Author: Baliansword
Chapter: 13, "Yearning"
A/N: This story is in the process of being molded into something else. My long break gave me some things to think about in reference to this story. I hope everyone bears with me, and I thank you if you do.
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Slowly Miskaelah awoke as fingers stroked her neck. Miskaelah turned her head as her eyes opened and looked up at Hephaestion. He seemed, for the first time in the last week, at ease. Such a look only came, she knew, because she'd been with Alexander. It did not bother her in the least though. Bagoas, who'd been her closest companion for the last few days, constantly told her she should stake her claim upon him. Basically, he wanted her to tell Hephaestion she must be the only one for him. Yet she understood him better than others, apart from Alexander, and knew that perhaps Hephaestion needed to wander as much as the king did.
"Good morning," Hephaestion said as he sat down on the bed next to her. Miskaelah rubbed the sleep from her eyes and rolled onto her back so that she could better look up at him. He didn't mention where he'd been. He did not need to, for deep down, he knew already that she knew of where he'd been. She secretly knew of all his companions in the last month. It didn't bother her in the least, he knew, and so he did not feel bad when he neglected her.
"What have you been thinking," Miskaelah asked as she took one of his hands and began playing with his fingers. He let her toy with him, for he rather much liked it actually. Her company was always different from that of others. However, he sometimes thought that if Alexander had been a female, he would have been Miskaelah. They were very much alike, the two, yet very different as well. "Your hands are cold."
"I was wondering," he began, taking then her hands in his, and he leaned over her. He put his elbows on both sides of her stomach and kissed both of her hands. However, all the clearness he'd thought he'd had on the way here was now gone. "Alexander moves around a lot. He can't be kept places, because that will be the end of him."
Hephaestion paused for a moment. He continued to toy with Miskaelah's hands and after a moment he began again. This time he tried to keep his thoughts clear and organized. It still did not work though. Smiling, he then said, "Do you want children? I mean, you don't have to have children, because I wouldn't force that upon you. But I was thinking, and I think that I do, want children that is. Yet, Alexander constantly will be moving. Even now I can see in his eyes that he's planning to go somewhere else. Likely after Darius in fact, or Bessus, but he wants to move. And…I don't want to have children that I can never see. So, you'd have to come with me, and I don't know if you'd want that. I don't even know if you'd want children. Yet, you do see what I am saying though, do you not?"
"I think I do," she said, a slight laugh following. "You want children."
"Yeah," he said, still smiling. There was a pause as he kissed her hand again. He then stopped, continued to hold her hands, yet continued to look at her. There was a true sincerity in his voice, and a genuine look in his eyes, both of which Miskaelah had never seen before. "Can we have a baby?"
"You don't have to ask," was all that she said. In no stretch did she mean that she was his slave. Instead, she meant that perhaps she loved him. Truthfully, she wanted to have his child, and had since the first night she'd been with him. Something about him was just right, and seemed to fit, and she would never escape that.
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"Which one of them do you think hasn't been with him by now," Cassander said as he lifted the cup to his lips and took another sip of his wine. He never watched his tongue. Not even if his words were to be heard by Alexander. "You cannot blame him though Alexander. He is rather handsome, and he is respected by many. Not to mention that you are not always with him. You stray, so why shouldn't he?"
"I did not say that he shouldn't."
"It was implied."
Alexander continued to look at Cassander. His lids closed a little at that moment. The last person he really wanted to have this conversation with was Cassander. However, he was also the only person that there was to have it with. Not to mention, despite the fact that Cassander was not always one of his greatest friends, the simple truth was that he was in the end –somewhat trustworthy. He knew what to say, and what not to say to others, which was a quality at least in Cassander.
"What do you want," Cassander finally asked.
"Clearly I would like Hephaestion. I want Persia. I want the world. I want…"
"That is your problem," Cassander interrupted before Alexander could even continue. Sometimes Alexander wondered why he put up with such actions on Cassander's part. What he did not know, was that Cassander wondered the exact same thing. "You don't know what you want. You want too much, which means that you want nothing."
"Have you been speaking with Aristotle?"
"No," he said with a laugh. Yet then he went back to a serious tone. "I just know that if you want too many things, you cannot have one thing. Alexander you are strong because you want everything. Yet you never have everything that you want. Persia seems like it is yours, but is it truly yours?"
Alexander said nothing. He'd begun to think, which was strange, because while around Cassander many stopped thinking. He'd always known though that Cassander was wiser perhaps than he let on. There was something that kept Cassander striving. Perhaps the rumors his mother told him were true and he just wanted to replace Alexander should something happen to him, but Alexander had stopped worrying about that. If anyone were to take over, it would be Hephaestion. Just thinking of him made his heart ache again though. As if Cassander had seen this he continued.
"You love him now, at this moment, more than you generally do…because you cannot have him. As soon as you have him again, you will not feel like this. But there is a difference between you now. It isn't even that he's testing the waters elsewhere. Do you know what truly is tearing the two of you apart?"
"Enlighten me," Alexander said irritably.
"Hephaestion finally knows what he wants." Cassander continued to play with a dagger he'd found on a table. He was so brilliant at times, but during that same stroke of brilliance, he was rather distracting. "All this time, he's done nothing but follow you. Don't doubt that now he won't because he still does love you and he will continue to cross land mass after landmass with you. But for the first time Hephaestion has found something of his own, something that you did not give him."
"I gave him Miskaelah."
"You're too shallow," Cassander laughed. "I am not speaking of only Miskaelah. I'm speaking of everything. There is so much here for him. Do you even know what he does here? I mean when he isn't with you, or doing something that you've asked him to oversee?"
A pause. Alexander would have answered, however, he knew not what to say. Again, the truth was that he did not know. He now wished that he did though. If only he paid Hephaestion the attention he needed. Never had either of them complained, but no matter what Cassander said, the lack of shared time just being the boys they once were –that tore them even further apart.
"He paints," Cassander said when the pause was too long. "I don't know when he learned such a craft but you should see him. He'll stand on the far balcony, the one that overlooks the land, and he'll paint. Mostly with Persian paints and so forth, but they are lovely. You should definitely go see some of them. In fact, one hangs in my room, so that you know."
Alexander knew this was only to offend him. He stared bitterly at Cassander for a moment. Cassander did not notice though. Instead he continued what he was doing. Currently he was trying to pull a jewel out of the butt of the dagger. Never would he stop while he was ahead though.
"There is also the fact that he wants children," he continued. "Not because you want him to have children, but maybe because he wants to have children. Then you are angry because he spends the night with the woman he'd like to have the children with. Sometimes Alexander, I do not understand you."
Alexander continued to glare at Cassander. After a moment Cassander glanced up at him. He only laughed. If he truly offended Alexander so much, Alexander should stop asking him for advice. Because believe it or not he was always going to be blunt. Yet, perhaps Alexander liked having true advice. Never would he cloud things over. But, he was Cassander, and he always had to go just a little bit too far.
"Even I've been with Hephaestion since we've been here."