Just Because I Said It Doesn't Mean I Meant It
April 3rd, 2015
As Christian's ring tone filled Kate's living room, Luke Sawyer pointed at Kate and gestured for her to leave the room with Ava. If Christian heard a child in the background, he would question Ana's whereabouts. Sawyer also knew he had to concentrate on every word Ana said to her husband, because he would have to report it all back to Taylor.
"Whatever you say or chose to do, I'm with you Ana, just don't give Grey too much information."
Ana gave him a small, tight smile and braced herself against the unknown. Evasive, Ana. Be evasive. Stay close enough to the truth that it does not appear as though you are lying and sound normal. Normal. Normal.
"Hi, Christian! Do you know I've been waiting for my sexy husband to return my text all day?"
You sick fucking bastard.
"I'm sorry, baby. I have been in one meeting after another and then to be honest, I forgot. I'll make it up to you tonight."
The fuck you will.
"Oh, I understand how that goes. But then I really got frustrated when I tried to call you a few times and it went straight to voice mail."
You know when you were balls deep in that whore.
"That was probably when I had Andrea charging it for me. Was there something you needed? Was everything alright?"
What a skilled liar you are.
"No, I just answered your text and you never replied, so I just thought I'd call you and see what was up."
Beside your sick fucking cock that is.
"My cell was charging, baby. I'm sorry you got frustrated. Other than that, how was your day?"
Just peachy, thanks to you.
"Oh, I had a few unexpected things that suddenly popped up and I had to handle them. How was your day of mergers and acquisitions?"
And caning petite brown-haired women who look like your birth mother? Fucking sick, fuck.
"Dull as usual with one meeting after another. So, what happened over there that you had to handle? Nothing too serious I hope."
Other than finding out I am married to a sociopath.
"Well, I had to deal with an unprepared editor at my department head meeting at noon, so I just canceled it around twelve-fifteen. It's just been really stressful and I've got a headache from hell."
Yeah, hell. Where I am going to send you.
"A headache? Ana, did you eat lunch? You know I've told you not eating can give you a headache."
Did anyone ever tell you fucking multiple women might give you an STD that you could have brought home to me?
Ana laughs. "Yeah, in fact, I did. Sawyer ordered us a steak and salad and my messy self managed to get salad dressing all over the front of my shirt, and I am positive the blouse is ruined. Sawyer was about to head over to Escala to pick up one of my shirts, but I just had him run out and buy me one real quick."
Come on, Christian. What would you have done if that had happened?
"It was probably closer for him to just buy you something. There are so many boutiques around GP plus Escala can be hell to get to if there's a lot of traffic."
Good save, you evil motherfucker.
"Well, it was just around one o'clock so there wouldn't have been any traffic. I am glad we decided to keep the penthouse. You never know what you will need it for."
How I am managing this conversation so well is proof there is a God.
"I was just calling to see if you were able to get out of there already. I am heading home now and thought we could have an early dinner. This entire week has kicked my ass and I just want to spend time with my beautiful wife."
How could I have married this creature from Satan?
"You know what, I actually can leave early. I have a few issues I need to make decisions about, but then I can come on home. What are you thinking of for dinner? Have you called and told Gail we would be home early? I can always stop and get some take out?"
And I can put some poison into your food.
"No take out, baby. I already called Gail and she is already preparing your favorite Coq Au Vin. I thought we could dine alfresco. Does that sound good?"
You dying sounds good.
"Oh, Christian, I don't know if I feel up to that but I'll try. This headache is turning into one of my famous migraines, which means I'll be throwing up here shortly, you know how they are,"
But you know nothing that is about to come your way.
"Have you taken any of your migraine medicine? Just hurry and try to get things wrapped up over there, I will be at home waiting for you, and we will see how you feel then. Okay, baby?
Baby? I would abort your baby.
"Okay, Christian. I'll see you in a while,"
And if you are lucky, I won't slit your throat in your sleep tonight.
"See you soon, baby. I love you."
In addition, I fucking hate your guts.
"I love you, too."
With all of my heart that you have literally ripped from my chest.
As soon as their call ended, Ana barely made it to the nearest toilet to empty the contents of her stomach. Wrapping her arms around the toilet, Ana continued to dry heave until the only thing that was coming up was her saliva. Ana had spent all afternoon in an emotional sandstorm, going from agonizing heartbreak to being completely numb, never considering what hearing Christian's voice was going to do her, much less make her feel. Now that she knew, Ana was more determined than ever to listen to that little voice that had screamed in the back of her head- Take the bastard down.
"Ana, honey? Ana was lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear Kate enter the bathroom, or realize that Kate had held her hair up as she was puking her guts out.
"Sawyer said you're going to go home." Katherine's voice was a low whisper, sad and uncertain.
Slowly lifting her head from the toilet seats, cold surface, Ana began to cry, nodding at her best friend.
"Yeah, not for the reason you are probably thinking I am. Kate, this may sound horrible and borderline evil, but I have thought about it all day. I'm going home so I can pretend to be that stupid, fool of a wife that Christian believes me to be. Then I'm going to make him wish he'd never been born."
Helping Ana to her feet, Kate envelops her into a tight hug, wondering whether Ana can emotionally handle walking into that house and lay eyes on her horrible husband.
"Are you sure, Ana? I don't know that you are capable of doing this, how can you look at Christian? Ana, how will you crawl in the bed with him and what about fucking him? You have told me from day one that sick bastard wants to fuck constantly. Why are you taking the chance of catching some disease that you cannot wash off? Ana, this is not a good idea and all I am going to do is worry about you. Please don't do this to yourself."
Katherine is still clutching her friend and kissing her head repeatedly until Ana pulls her head back to breathe.
"Kate, I have to. Ray not only taught me how to fight but also how to be a survivor. I will be a survivor of The Christian Grey, not his victim. Christian does not deserve a confrontation that he will try to worm out of, you know how he uses that shrewd business mind and he will try to use it with me to get out of this. Christian deserves to be taken down by whatever means I can find. He has made a complete fool out of me and has robbed me of so much. It's now my time to reciprocate."
"But...What are you going to do? How are you going to go up against the mogul? He's practically surrounded by the Navy fucking Seals and now you know you can't even trust them."
"Kate, I...Just let me figure it out. The man isn't Superman and he does have a weakness, and you know what it is." Kate knew from the look in Ana's tearful eyes that she was determined and it was pointless to continue arguing with her. Letting her go, Kate looked down at the ruined blouse Ana was still wearing. "Let me go get you a clean shirt. Then wash your face and get your makeup bag and make yourself look presentable. Christian can't notice anything different about you."
"I already told him I've got a migraine, so he'll buy the way my eyes look." Kate nodded at Ana, headed to her bedroom for the shirt, and imagined all the ways she could murder her brother-in-law.
Kate followed Anastasia and Luke Sawyer to the SUV, all three of them in a resigned silence. Turning back to Kate before Sawyer helped her in, Ana grabbed her hard and whispered in her best friend's ear.
"I'll text you and let you know what's going on. Kate, don't forget Christian refused for me for to a prenup. I know that I haven't forgotten." The smirk on Ana's face was picture perfect and actually, quite foreboding.
Pulling back from Ana and watching Sawyer help her get in the backseat, Katherine's emerald eyes were twinkling like two stars on a cloudless starry night. She had forgotten about Christian refusing to have Ana sign a prenup. Kate walked inside her home holding Ava's tiny hand with a large smile on her face.
Sawyer pulled out of Kate's driveway and headed in the direction of the Grey home. He knew they had several things to go over before they arrived at the house.
Sighing deeply he asked Ana if she remembered everything she had told Grey. His voice sounded harsher than he intended it to.
"Of course, I do. Do you remember what I told him? I know you have to tell Taylor the same things in your report on the little woman."
Sawyer looked at her through the rear view mirror with an expression of what the fuck do you think? He understands her feelings, but was too pissed off at Taylor and Grey to appreciate Ana acting as if he was part of a greater conspiracy.
"Ana, I know that you said we'd go to Escala tomorrow, but you seemed to have forgotten about the plan to spend the weekend on the Grace." Luke watched Ana bang her head on the headrest in frustration.
"Shit. Well, I'm glad you reminded me of that. What do you think would be worse, going along with our plans or pretending to be sick with a migraine and using that as an excuse not to go?"
"If you lie about the migraine and stay at home don't forget you'll have to spend all weekend inside the house with Mr. Grey. If you keep your plans, you'll be around your in-laws and won't have to...Well, you know what I'm saying, Ana." The thought actually made Luke Sawyer feel sick.
Ana was very well aware of what Sawyer was referring to and just imagining having sex with Christian made her physically ill. She had no idea how she would deal with this, but she knew she would have to figure it out and soon. Christian had always respected Ana's refusal to have sex while she was on her period, but it was a ridiculous thought for her to have a period that lasted for days on end. The minute Ana thought of the word 'days', she was immediately repulsed because she had to be honest with herself, the plan of hers was not going to just be a matter of days. Perhaps weeks, but to think she could get enough on Christian in a matter of days was just plain foolish. All of this thinking had really given Ana a headache and was rubbing her forehead.
"I know what you're saying and I agree. Has your boss man already assigned security for the weekend? If Taylor is the only one coming, I may throw myself off the yacht."
"He will be there with Christian; I'll be there for you, and Reynolds and Ryan for Mr. Grey and Dr. Trevelyan."
Ana scoffed at the absurdity of having so many CPO's for four fucking people. "A bit of overkill, eh? How very Christian Grey and so fucking stupid. At this point, I wish someone would kidnap me."
Sawyer just shrugged and cleared his throat, alerting Ana he was about to either give her a lecture or start demanding answers of whatever she had rolling around in that head of hers. Sawyer knew that Ana Grey was too intelligent for her own good.
"Ana, you need to tell me what you're going to do. I know what you said at Mrs. Grey's about Escala, and that's not be a problem as long as it can be done when we are positive of Mr. Grey's whereabouts, but other than that, once you get these files and find out about these women, what do you plan to do them? And don't bullshit me either, since we both know that will only piss me off and that you can't do any of this without me."
Sighing deeply, Ana met his eyes in the rear view mirror. "I want to copy every file from the first contracted submissive to this last one, but Luke, after that I'm not sure. I want enough to have him on a leash, to lead him wherever I want to. I want a reversal of Christian's fortune; I want him to be the idiot who does not know what is about to fucking slam into him. I want revenge, plain and..."
"Ana...Stop. I realize that you want all that shit and so would I. Fuck, I even believe you deserve all of that. However, just let me get the files on the subs he has kept since you have been married, show him and then divorce his ass. Hell, all of Seattle knows Mr. Grey did not want you to have a prenup. Just fucking divorce him and take whatever you want from him. There isn't a person you know that wouldn't blame you for wanting all this revenge that's set on your replay in your mind, but doing all the shit you're probably dreaming about is you torturing yourself, and don't you think that Grey has already tortured you long enough?"
Luke Sawyer's voiced is raised louder than Ana had ever heard it and he suddenly punches the steering wheel, startling the shit out of her. Where had his anger and frustration come from Ana wondered as she gazed out the window. The closer they got to the house Ana's nausea increased and her palms began to sweat. She was nearing a full-blown panic attack.
"Luke…I don't know if I can do this." With those whispered words, Ana's eyes fill up with tears, but she rapidly pushes them back. She cannot afford to walk into that house and have her appearances give her away.
"Do you want me to turn around? I can take you somewhere else?" Sawyer's voice was now devoid of anger and he was speaking to Ana as if she was a cornered animal. Several seconds of silence ensued as Ana seemed to be battling some inner conflict.
"No. Take me home. I think I can pull this off; just...Will you be in the big house, Luke?
"I will do my best to be, but you know if Taylor sends me elsewhere that I'll have to go. Ana, you have Mrs. Grey, and like I told you earlier, my loyalties stay with you and that will not change. Just listen to what I am reminding you of-the minute we pull into that driveway, a camera is going to catch us and someone may be monitoring it. Do your fucking best to not look upset or out of the ordinary. Once you are inside, no matter if you are full of murderous rage when Grey tries to hug or kiss you, just endure it, fuck think about Care Bears with sparkles shoot from their ass. Please take this weekend to think about what I said earlier and I will come up with whatever is within my capabilities to help. Just hold your cards to your vest, and do not alter your natural behaviors whatsoever. Remember, that unfortunately, you've got to appear as the same Ana who went to work this morning, not only to Mr. Grey, but also to Taylor, who doesn't miss a fucking thing."
"Luke, do you think Gail knows? I don't think I would be able to live if she does and has been a part of this deception from day one. She's like a mother to me, a woman I love and I just won't be able to stand the shame,"
Anastasia Grey's voice is practically childlike and Sawyer is wondering where she is lost inside her mind. It is obvious that the shame she just mentioned if Gail was also aware of this clusterfuck, is not the shame that is running through her mind. Over the past three years, Sawyer has overheard Ana and Kate refer to something that happened to Ana as a child, but their words were dubious and he was never able to establish what they were hiding. Sawyer had read Anastasia Steele's background check the day he was hired, and it was clean as a whistle and the only thing that stuck out to him was the fact her step-father, Ray Steele got full custody when she was ten-years-old. Other than that odd bit of information, there was nothing that indicated any kind of traumatic event in her childhood.
"No, Ana. I don't believe Gail knows." He quietly replied. Looking back through the rear view mirror, he saw Ana looking out the window, but not seeing a thing.
Sawyer was punching code to the estate's gate and Ana started to smooth her clothes and quickly applied some more lip-gloss. How will I face Satan?
"Are you ready, Ana?"
No, Luke. I am not.
"Yeah, just do...Lets..."
"I am, Ana. Just keep your shit together."
Following his usual and gentlemanly protocol, Sawyer opened Ana's door and helped her out, while whispering very softly, "Walk in and put your shit where you usually do with a smile on your face."
Ana had sometimes wondered what it felt like for a person as they walked to their execution. With each click of her heel that brought her closer to the front door, Ana realized what a condemned person felt like. Holding her head high, Ana kept her eyes on Sawyer's muscular back as he opened the door and allowed her to pass him and enter the house. Seeing no one, Ana placed her purse and briefcase on the same table as she had for the past three years and watched Sawyer head to the security office. Walking further in the house and toward the kitchen, she saw a beaming Gail Taylor waiting for her.
"Good evening, Mrs. Grey. How are you feeling? Mr. Grey said you are unwell." Ana began the migraine routine and was rubbing her temples, all the while searching Gail's eyes for deceit, she found none.
"Yes, it's another migraine. I just feel terrible. How was your day, Gail? Christian said he called and requested dinner a little earlier this evening. I hope you weren't too rushed,"
"I'm sorry you are feeling poorly, dear. Did you take your migraine medication?" Gail Taylor, always a caregiver.
Sitting at the breakfast bar, Ana merely nodded, still massaging her temples with her eyes closed.
"I'd offer you a glass of wine, but I know you can't mix it with your medicine. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better, Mrs. Grey?"
Ana could not help but smile. "Yes, Gail. You can call me Ana,"
It was at that moment when she felt his presence, although he was not in the kitchen yet. Ana lowered her head and closed her eyes, feeling that if she could not see him then he could not see her. God forbid she let him see the damage he had inflicted upon her. Ana heard his voice before he touched her, she knew he was barefoot since she had not heard him approaching and she knew his touch was going to slay her. Then there it was- the lips of the devil on top of her head and his arm draped across her shoulders. Ana had to swallow the vomit that was creeping up her throat and force herself to keep her body relaxed underneath Christian's touch.
So this is what it feels like to be touched by evil.
"Are you okay, Anastasia? You look extremely pale and I do not like it one bit. Let me take you upstairs and run you a bath before we eat. Mrs. Taylor, we will be ready to eat in about forty-five minutes."
Now the evil speaks.
"Certainly, Mr. Grey,"
If only Gail's happy and delighted smile was enough to fix Ana's shattered being. Christian helped Ana off the bar stool; his hand on her elbow was a conflagration that seared her skin to the bone, as he led her up the staircase. Ana could hear him murmuring words to assuage the migraine that she did not even have, but to her ears, Christian's voice was a harrowing scream that she just could not shut off. Ana had not dared to even glance his way, keeping her head tilted toward the wall so she wouldn't even look down to see his beautiful bare feet.
One that is evil can also pretend quite well.
Christian opened the door to their bedroom and Ana nearly gasped as she saw their marital bed. Her soul seemed to be a paroxysm of torment and she felt the sudden desire to flee from this hell she knew she was trapped in. Ana sat so close to the edge of the bed she was practically hanging off it. She could not bear to remember everything they had done on this bed, that she had done because she loved Christian and she thought he loved her. However, today, with one look at a red Audi and then hearing Luke Sawyer call out the names of five women, five names that were screaming submissive, Anastasia realized the joke was on her. Oh, how disgusted she felt. All of the things she'd done with Christian on this very bed, all of those things she hadn't ever felt comfortable doing, but still took part in because she knew she couldn't ever give Christian what she always feared he'd leave her over-his need to inflict pain on women. Ana made the conscious decision to give Christian what she prayed was enough to keep him happy, to placate him enough for him to lose his extreme needs, his need for pain. He had assured her repeatedly she was enough for him, that she satisfied him and had taken away all of his past urges. Ana had pushed all of her insecurities away and was willing to push her limits as far as she possibly could without allowing him to punish her, hoping that was more than he would ever need. Now she recognized her insecurity had been a subliminal warning of the truth, she had just chosen to ignore it.
As Ana listened to Christian in their bathroom, she realized something that struck her like a lightning bolt. Why had she always conceded to Christian's whims? Why had she listened to him tell her that she was enough to satisfy him despite that he couldn't inflict pain on her? Christian had told her those words so many times these past three years, but it never dawned on her how fucked up they were. Ana allowed a man to tell her, "Sure, you satisfy me sexually to a point, if you go along with everything I need since you refuse me what I ultimately want." She had been a mother fucking fool.
Christian stood in the doorway of the bathroom and in a quiet, soothing voice, told Ana her bath was ready. Ana knew she had to raise her head and look at him. Ana would not give him a cheap thrill of seeing her head down in a submissive pose; even if she was looking down to avoid facing him. Ripping the band-aid off, Ana stood up and turned to her illegally handsome husband who was staring at her with a worried expression. Just taking in Christian's face, his body, his hands and feet, made Ana feel bloodless and cold, like the cadaver she had become. Taking his outstretched hand and wincing as if the lights were exacerbating her migraine, Ana allowed Christian to lead her into the bathroom where he lowered the lighting.
I will have to allow this evil bastard to touch me.
"I didn't put any of your favorite Jasmine oil in the water. I was afraid the smell of it would bother you. Let me get you undressed and in the hot water. Remember how my mother told you to try to relax when you had one of your migraines? Hopefully, this bath will relax you some." Christian gave Ana a small smile meant to allay the pain from her migraine.
The beautiful face and smile of Lucifer, who became Satan after he was cast from heaven.
Ana stared into her husband's face in a state of wonderment; who was this man? He looked like the man she had married on a beautiful May afternoon, however, who was he? Why had he done all of this? If he did not want her, did not want to be married, did not want to stop a sexual lifestyle that entailed beating women, why hadn't he simply divorced her? Was it over money, not having her sign a prenup? On the other hand, was Christian just the kind of person who wanted more when he already had it all?
Probably, because he feels omnipotent.
Christian was gently caressing Ana's body with a bath sponge as if he were bathing a small child. Ana's eyes were closed as she recollected her hopeful dreams of having Christian's children and remembered how Christian would remonstrate the idea of children. He always promised one day. Now Ana was silently promising one day. Ana could only endure so much and having his traitorous touch on her skin, his eyes scanning her naked body, she began to panic. Of course, she could not let Christian see that, so Ana had to saturate her mind with one of her many happy places. She envisioned herself as a girl of twelve, two years after Ray rescued her from Carla and her boyfriend, the man who had horribly raped and beaten Ana. That twelve-year-old girl who was finally coming out of her fractured mind and was not only her father's baby girl, but also the tough-minded young woman Ray taught her to be. Immersing herself in memories of fishing with Ray, Ray teaching her how to shoot straight, taking her to church, and the simple, quiet moments they shared, Anastasia nearly started crying, and in that place everyone has in the back of his or her mind, that place where they still feel like a child, Ana wanted her daddy.
Ana became vaguely aware that Christian had been humming as he ran the water over her body, but it when he began to speak; she realized she would have to engage in conversation with him.
"Don't you agree, Anastasia? I am sure they will both understand if we cancel our plans, especially knowing how ill you are. My mother will probably demand that you go back and see the neurologist since this migraine is so intense,"
"Are you talking about canceling our weekend on the Grace with your mother and father? My head hurts so much that I zoned out for a minute."
And I had to endure your disgusting hands on me.
"Yes, baby. You know that there have been times where you have been practically hung over from these damn migraines for days after they are gone. I know you will not feel like being out on the boat all weekend and the sun glaring off the water will only make your eyes hurt again. Give me your hand, I'll help you out and dry you off,"
Then you can fuck off.
"True, but Christian your father has been looking forward to this for a month and you did promise that we'd drop anchor and the two of you would do some fishing. He will be so disappointed if we bail at the last minute. I bet he's already got his gear packed up."
Talk him out of canceling, Ana. Do it.
"No, Anastasia, they will understand completely and I'll call them after I've put you to bed. I'll bring your dinner up here on a tray," This
This fucker will not let it go.
"How about this idea, Christian. Why don't you and your father go fishing this weekend and invite Elliot? I'm sure he'd jump at the chance to get away because I'm positive Kate's hormones have turned her into a gigantic bitch that's making his life hell."
Take the bait...And it's not really a lie. Kate is driving Elliot insane.
Christian smiled when he started to dry her off between her legs. It was an unexpected touch on his part, since Ana had been too busy trying to think of ways to get him the fuck away for the weekend, but when he made contact with that part of her body, Ana slightly jumped. Christian looked up at her wearing a lascivious grin, thinking that Ana jumped from arousal, when it was actually from surprise that quickly dissolved into disgust.
Fucker.
"Mrs. Grey, even with a migraine my good girl can get excited."
I have only started to get excited thinking of your demise.
"Christian, hush up. You are talking too loudly and it is killing my head. Now, what do you think of my idea about you all going fishing?"
If he does not agree to this, I really am going
Christian has Ana wrapped in her robe and heads towards their bed. He thinks her eyes are closed because of the bedside lamp, but it is really because of the dread in Ana's stomach as she thinks about lying in their marital bed that was never sacred, but was one big lie. Christian tucked her in and sat on the edge of the bed gazing at her face and softly stroking her hair. Daring to peer into his eyes Ana attempted to decipher the emotion she saw in them, even their gray seemed lighter. Where Ana had always believed she saw devotion and love, she realized now it was probably pity. She was sure Christian saw her refusal to be hurt as a weakness, a weakness; he probably pitied her for having. He dimmed the bedside lamp, kissed her on the forehead and went to go get her dinner. Ana looked at her tablet to send off a quick email to Kate about Elliot going fishing with Christian and Carrick, but she knew that Christian would be back shortly and she couldn't take the chance. She was secretly cursing herself because she had left her phone inside her purse, both of which remained on the entryway table.
Before she even finished thinking of a way to let Sawyer know to bring up her purse and phone, Christian had returned, holding a tray with her favorite meal. Ana knew she was going to have to throw him a thankful smile and she could only pray that it appeared sincere.
"Here's your favorite, baby. Mind the duvet; I want to set the tray down properly so your food doesn't spill."
Oh, Christian. Why must you pretend?
"I thought about your idea of us guys going fishing for the weekend and it does sounds appealing. I'll call dad and let them know what's going on and our change of plans, then I'll call Elliot and see if he wants to come too."
Thank God.
"Please apologize to your parents for me. I just feel terrible about this and having everyone disappointed in me."
Oh, no. I just thought of losing Carrick and Grace. Grace.
"Baby, no one is going to be disappointed because you've got one of your fucking migraines. Shit, you know my mom has thought of everything to help you, even having you seen by the best neurologist in Seattle. When I call and tell them, my mother will probably be over here within half an hour to check on you,"
If I keep thinking about Grace no longer being in my life I am going to start to cry.
Ana chooses to not respond and attempts to eat, but her already sickened stomach is rebelling on her. Knowing Christian will prod her to eat a little bit more, Ana forces small bites of food down her throat by taking big gulps of water. She listens to Christian's one-sided conversations with Carrick and Elliot, both of whom eagerly accept his invitation and they make plans to leave before sunrise.
Good, I will be asleep when he leaves.
Instead of leaving the room while Ana is eating, Christian lays across the bed, laying his head on an arm bent at the elbow. Ana catches him staring at her quite intently.
"You never told me about what you had to wrap up at work and those decisions you had to make. Anything I need to be aware of?"
More meaningless, chitchat bullshit.
Ana's mind ceases with his question as she realizes this could be an opportunity to throw a wrench in his seemingly well thought out double life. She is actually quite surprised that her thoughts are so clear and that this idea just hit her. She is inwardly beaming.
"I don't much feel like talking, but yes, I made some decisions to adjust some things and handled it pretty quickly, well, as quickly as someone with a brain numbing migraine can. The changes will start on Monday since my entire department heads responded quickly to the interdepartmental email I sent out. I believe it was a good decision and will work well for everyone involved. But I'm sure there will be one or two who may have trouble adjusting to the changes."
When he hears this, he is going to shit.
"You have piqued my curiosity, Mrs. Grey. Tell me all about what my beautiful and smart CEO did today. Sounds like you made some solid and concise decisions, I hope they weren't about any serious problem at GP that you never told me about?"
Christian had raised one of his eyebrows in a questioning manner and Ana internally scoffed at him. As if he had a say in anything that occurred at Grey Publishing. He had given that company to her and it was all in her name. She owned it lock, stock, and barrel.
"Oh, my decision wasn't based on a serious problem at GP. It was really about circumventing some things in a practical way. You know, a way to disrupt or hinder some problematic behavior. I felt like I needed to rattle some cages to catch people's attention."
Ask me what I changed, Grey. Well, I have not changed them yet, but I am come Monday.
"So, tell me what you did Anastasia. I want to see if I can learn anything from you." Christian looked too amused by his own words, even cocky. Ana decided to play along with him, indulge him with some flirting, but reminding herself to appear as if she does not feel well. She then pushes her tray away and Christian throws her a look of disapproval.
"I ate all I could stomach, Mr. Grey. You are lucky I have not already hurled on you. And what could little ol' Anastasia Rose Grey learn from the master of the universe, Christian Grey?" Ana even threw in her little giggle Christian always claimed to adore and he returned it with a beaming smile that threw Ana off kilter a bit. Just looking at his face, that beautiful smile and gorgeous gray eyes, Ana became heart breathtakingly aware of the love she has for this man and she could not comprehend how she would ever get over it. Ana had to tear her gaze away from his face as she felt thousands of tears rushing toward her eyes.
While his intoxicating grin remained firmly on his lips, Christian began to rub Ana's feet.
"Oh, Anastasia. We both know I've taught you a lot."
His virile reply quickly pushed Ana's tears away in disgust. Yes, he had taught her things. Some she had to begrudgingly admit to enjoying, others that left her in the shower scrubbing away feelings of abhorrence and humiliation.
Fuck you, Christian Grey.
"Now, back to business. What's going on down there that required shaking things up?"
Nothing at GP needs shaking up, Mr. Grey.
"After leaving my usual Friday department head meeting, you know the one I have at noon? Well, anyway, I believe I told you I was irritated with a few people and ended it at twelve-fifteen. So, I spent a great while thinking about my schedule and those of each department, and I've changed my two-hour meetings that I have at noon in a much more efficient one hour meeting that I'll oversee on Tuesday's and Thursday's. That idea seemed appropriate; consolidate a few departments for meetings that probably will not even last an hour anyway. It will also free up everyone's lunchtime, including mine, Mr. Grey. Meaning we can squeeze in some alone time if you know what I mean?"
Oh, Mr. Grey, keep wearing your poker face and nod thoughtfully at my words, but I just SAW something flicker in those gray eyes of yours. Bingo.
"That sounds like a solid plan and good time management. What kind of feedback did you get from the department heads? I'm sure they were all pleased."
However, I bet you are not…
"Yes, they were. Everyone was pleased and obviously loved I had made the changes. Nevertheless, as I said, I am sure there are a few out there who will not find my unexpected plan very appealing. However, I am the boss. So like you told me, they'll just have to live with it."
Oh, to be one of the firing neurons in your brain right now Christian.
"Very true, Ana. Very true. And I support every decision you make at GP, especially ones that will make your life easier."
The way I support those that make your life more difficult.
"Christian bends down and kisses both of Ana's feet and stands up. "I'll take your tray downstairs now. Do you want anything else from the kitchen? I will bring up some water; you know the doctor said staying hydrated was one way to help you with these migraines. Can I bring you anything else up to you?"
Sawyer's gun so I can shoot you with it.
"The water sounds wonderful, make it sparkling please. And if you wouldn't mind, would you bring me my briefcase and purse? They're where I always leave them on the entryway table."
"Anastasia, you are not going to work while you can barely keep your eyes open. So I will not bring you your briefcase. Absolutely not."
Go fuck yourself, Grey.
"Would you at least bring me my purse? I was supposed to text Kate to tell her how I am feeling and I haven't, which means she has blown up my phone with texts. Pretty, please?" Ana even poked out her bottom lip as an extra measure. Christian leaned down to kiss her forehead and murmured, "How can I tell that precious face no? I'll be right back, baby."
Alternatively, you could trip on the stairs and break your neck.
"Thank you, sweetie."
The second Christian closed their bedroom door; Ana could not help from having a full-blown giggle fit from imagining how many things are running through her husband's head now. He was surely in a full-blown panic attack and probably had no hair left. Ana was laughing so hard she had to bury her face in her pillow to keep anyone from hearing her. Where she'd pulled that story from was even beyond her, but she was convinced of a God now. Despite her laughter, Ana quickly sobered up and looked around their bedroom, full of depression. Ana had done so much work and put so much thought into every piece of furniture in the room, the color of the curtains, the fucking carpet. All to create a safe haven for her and her husband. The man she comforted at night when he woke up screaming from one of his nightmares, and held in her arms when he recounted the horrific early years of his life. Ana was coming to believe that the worst part of loving someone with deep-rooted issues is that they somehow attempt to make you responsible for them. If Christian was insecure, full of self-hatred, and completely self-destructive, why did he cause Ana to feel that, she was supposed to make him better by changing who she was. What the fuck? Yeah. Wow. Whatever.
All of this time was nothing more than a waste of her love, compassion, and determination to always comfort Christian. Ana had given Christian everything she'd had and not only had he not appreciated it, he threw it back in her face as if it disgusted him. Christian has used her body as a vessel and an afterthought, and abused her trust and fidelity that she had placed in him. Simply put, he had made her a fool, she looked like a fool, he thought of her as a fool, and now she felt like a fool.
Perhaps Sawyer and Kate were right when they advised her to just walk away and not do what she was doing. Even Ana admitted by being here proved her to be a masochist. Why the fuck was she here? Letting that horrible piece of shit believe that she was still his goddamn idiot of a wife. Had she always been this stupid? Is that why he married her? Jesus Christ, why had he married her? Telling her own self-abuse to fuck off, Ana got up and put on her pajamas, the ugly flannel ones that Kate had bought her to wear when she was sick and went to wash her face. Ana looked into her vanity mirror searching her face for the changed woman she now was, but only saw the face of the twenty-four year old woman who looked into this very same mirror this morning, this morning when she left for work in the warm belief she had the love of her beloved husband. Ana just could not comprehend the fact that she was now so different on the inside but appeared the same on the outside. Her face should prove how her heart was sliced to shreds in Kate's living room. A heart Christian had severed in such a way that only her right atrium remained, barely pushing enough spurts of blood into her body to keep her alive.
By the time Christian returned, Ana was already back in the bed and nearly asleep. Once her head was clear from the fog of slumber, Ana looked at the bedside clock and realized her husband had been gone for quite awhile.
Hmm...
"Did I wake you up, baby? I am sorry, I had a few things to go over with security and I didn't realize where the time had gone. Here's your water and purse, baby." Christian turned off the overhead lighting and the only light was coming from the bathroom, dimly lighting their bedroom. When he spoke to Ana it was barely in a whisper and as Christian perched himself beside her on the edge of the bed, Ana noticed several acute changes about him.
What is this?
Christian's posture had changed; it appeared softer, for lack of a better word. His expression was...Compunctious. Were those gray eyes full of self-reproach? Christian gripped both of Ana's hands in his as he studied every aspect of her face, pondering her blue eyes until he looked down to the floor. Ana began to feel very uneasy. This was not the Christian Gray who had left their bedroom an hour ago. This was a side of Christian she knew those few months before their marriage. Ana could not help but wonder if everything she had said made Christian suspect that Ana knew something he had not wanted her to know. Is that why he is behaving this way? In addition, what had he been doing in the past hour? The entire atmosphere in the room was nerve-wracking.
Christian?
Christian eventually looked back at his wife, gray eyes to blue. Ana was trying to hold her suspicion at bay as best she could as well as attempt to decipher whatever his expression and eyes were emitting. Refusing to allow her distrust of him turn into curiosity, Ana kept quiet and watched Christian do whatever in the fuck Christian was doing. His unspoken emotions were bouncing throughout the room and Ana could only wonder what they were doing inside his head. There was really no sense for her to try to figure him out since she thought she knew him, only to be wrong.
Oh, how wrong I was.
Maybe it was that Ana began to rapidly blink as she watched his face, or just the fact that he'd suddenly found his voice underneath some hidden pain that was buried within a briar patch, but Ana saw his mouth moving and heard the soft words he was saying.
Are you about to confess?
"Anastasia, there is something that I… that I have wanted to… fuck!" Christian gripped her hands a bit harder in what was seemingly frustration. Ana was holding her breath and at this point, her expression had gone blank. She was so confounded by all of this that she couldn't consider which mask of emotion she should be wearing, but she did realize that before today's revelations, she would have prodded him with questions trying to figure out what was going on. Therefore, that is what she decided to do.
"Christian? What is the matter? Maybe it's because I've just woken up, but I am confused here. What is it? You can tell me. You know you can trust me, Christian."
God damn you, fucking say it!
"Ana, please look at me."
Oh, you want to see my destruction in your eyes, do you?
"I am, Christian. What's wrong, sweetie? You're scaring me."
Ana's husband was looking deeply into her eyes, as if he was trying to bore a glimpse into her soul, his own gray eyes were a shadow in the darkened bedroom, yet Ana could feel Christian scrutinizing her face.
"I'm sorry if I'm scaring you, I'm not trying to and there isn't a reason for you to be scared. There is just something I have had on my mind for a very long while now and I want to tell you. I think I have finally found the courage to tell you. For some fucking reason, I've found the courage to say this now, tonight."
I am still waiting…
Ana knew it was her time to pretend that she was reassuring him, so she gave Christian's hands a gentle squeeze. "Just tell me, Christian." Her voice, not more than a whisper.
"Anastasia, you know how I used to...how I...Shit, why is this so fucking hard to get out?"
"Just say it."
You pussy.
In a very unlike Christian Grey way, Christian took a deep breath that he rapidly exhaled and nodded at Ana. She thought she felt fear radiating off his body.
"You're right. I'll just tell you." Yet, he kept sitting there without saying a fucking word, staring at Ana as if she was an unsolvable Algebra problem.
Oh, this is fucking ridiculous. Whatever this shit it, whether it is your guilty confession or more bullshit, just say it!
Then, in the middle of her own inner monologue, Ana heard what Christian was trying to gather his balls to tell her and when they registered within her brain, she froze in complete disbelief.
"Anastasia, I've been thinking about this for a while now, because I know that I'm ready. I have been terrified to tell you, but I feel that tonight is the perfect moment. Anastasia, I want us to start trying to have a baby."
A/N
I apologize that it took a bit longer than usual for me to post this. It has been complete for several days, but I never had the time to obsessively edit it. I am sure there are still a trillion mistakes; just do not pay attention to them. I promise the next chapter will be up by week's end since I have already written a lot for it.