I had to post this chappie really quickly, so here it is!
Authoresshiding : I'm so sorry! You ARE a WONDERFUL reviewer! I take it back! You are a VERY loyal reviewer, and I thank you.
Chapter 8: The Fellowship and the Geezers part 1
The Fellowship made their way towards the Gap of Rohan, and some months later they were fast approaching it. It was a sunny day when the Fellowship was on a rocky hill, enjoying themselves. Boromir, Merry, and Pippin were sword fighting on a flat spot, and Aragorn was smoking his pipe and watching them. Sam had just finished giving Frodo some of his famous cooking lessons, and now he and Frodo were also watching the sword fight. Legolas was watching the sky, Gandalf was smoking, and...I think I got everyone. Oh wait, maybe not. Gimli was chatting to Gandalf about the Mines of Moria, and was trying to convince him that they should go there instead of the Gap of Rohan.
"We should go through the Mines of Moria!" yelled Gimli, stamping his foot and trying to appear tough.
"Why?" asked Gandalf irritably; "So I can sacrifice myself for all you maggots just to fall down in the depths of the earth with an ugly, stupid fireball? I think...NO!" he said loudly. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at him.
"Quit staring at me!" he shouted. The rest of the Fellowship went back to what they were doing. Pippin was sword fighting with Boromir when Aragorn made an unnecessary comment.
"Yo dude, cut Boromir's leg off, Merry," he said, blowing a ring of smoke into poor Boromir's face, making him cough. Pippin looked quite annoyed.
"I am NOT Merry, Strider. My name is Pippin. Remember me, Peregrine Took? That ring a bell in your midget of a mind?" Aragorn shook his head numbly.
"Oh, for crying out loud!" cried Merry; "just ignore him, Pippin."
"Serenity now, serenity now!" Sam cried.
Pippin shrugged his shoulders and tried to slash Boromir, who succeeded in cutting his finger. Pippin shrieked and dropped his sword.
"Ooh, are you okay?" asked Boromir worriedly. Aragorn sprang up and shouted at him, "Now look what you've done, you idiot, you've hurt poor Frodo!" he ran over to Pippin and grabbed his hand. Pippin slapped his hand away and shrieked, "I am NOT FRODO! MY NAME IS PIPPIN, YOU JERK!"
Aragorn started to cry, and Boromir rolled his eyes.
"See here, Pippin," he said, "I took a few courses in CPR, so I think I can help you." He took out his doctor bag and taped Pippin's finger up. Merry and Pippin glared at Aragorn, who was banging his head against a rock.
"I just can't do it anymore!" he sobbed; "Oh Valar, great, great Valar! Take me away to a better place. Great Spirits, take me now!" he cried, throwing up his hands. Merry and Pippin seized this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and tackled him to the ground, tickling him.
"Hoo, hoo, hee, hee, ah, HA, ha, ha!" Aragorn snickered, "stop, stop, STOP IT!"
Boromir pulled the two Hobbs off of poor Aragorn, who was now in hysterics. But Merry and Pippin started tickling him also, and soon everyone joined in except for Gandalf, Legolas, and Sam. Legolas was glowering in disgust at them, and Gandalf completely ignored them. After about ten minutes, Sam said to the party in his James Bond voice, "All right, gentlemen, that's enough."
No one listened to him, so he whisked out his handy-dandy, whim! notebook. But he realized he had no use for writing with a green striped crayon and finding clues left by a blue cartoon dog, so he tossed that away. He dug deeper in his pocket to see what other junk he had. He finally felt something cold and metallic.
"What have I gots in my pocketses?" he wondered aloud. Gandalf and Legolas, who had been looking at himself in a mirror, stared at him. Sam clapped his hand over his mouth and prayed that Frodo did not hear him. Since Frodo did not, he pulled out a bright and shiny whistle.
"Whoo, hoo, hoo!" he cried, "I was born lucky, whatever my Gaffer might say." He put the whistle to his lips. Gandalf and Legolas covered their ears and clenched their teeth. The whistle blew so loudly that even Saruman in Isengard heard it. The men, dwarf, and Hobbits jumped to attention.
"Every Orc in Mordor's going to hear this racket!" shouted Frodo, holding his hands over his ears.
I believe, no, I think, no, I know, yes,I mentioned earlier that Saruman heard the whistle. He knew that something was happenin', so he sent some of his birds to check it out.
"And if it's a band of guerillas, then high-tail back here and tell me," he said to the crows. "Get it? High? Tail? Ahh, ha, ha, ha!" he cackled, rolling on the black floor. He had the bad habit of cracking horrific puns at the wrong moment. In fact, he was so wrapped up in himself (literally, I mean his cloak was so long...sheesh) that he accidentally rolled right past the Palantir, which Sauron was looking into right at that moment and was watching this whole charade.
"I seee youu," said Sauron menacingly. Saruman stopped rolling and looked frightened. "Get it? I see you? Eye?" Tee, hee, hee!" Sauron giggled. Saruman got the joke and laughed with him. He laughed so hard that he continued to roll, holding his stomach. Sauron tried to do the same, but only succeeded in flipping over. The Orcs in Barad-dur wondered what in the heck was going on with Sauron. Old geezers. Sheesh.
The crows finally managed to get out of Orthanc and fly right in the direction of the Fellowship. Sam, meanwhile, had gotten everything back into order, and was now munching on some high-fat sausage and staring into space. He wondered why the stars were white and appeared so small, and if Sir Isaac Newton or Johann Kepler had ever thought the same thing. "Are there such geniuses like myself?" he thought. Frodo came over to him and inspected the greasy food. "Yuck, gross, blech, is this all you brought from Rivendell, Sam?" He said. Sam slowly brought the sausage to his mouth and bit it, continuing to stare in to space.
"Uhh, Sam?" said Frodo. Nothing happened. "Sam?" Still nothing. Totally and completely nothing. Nada. Not the tiniest bit of anything whatsoever. Not a fraction of anything, not... well, I think you get the point. Frodo stood there watching Sam continue to blank out. "DARN IT ALL, SAM, WHAT IN THE HECK ARE YOU DOING!" screamed Frodo, waving his arms frantically in Sam's face. Sam was startled out of his dream world and shook his head.
"Whoo, haa, what?" he said, looking around him. He saw Frodo fuming in frustration and said, "What is Mr. Frodo? Do you want some more of my cooking lessons, or do you want to do pushups for ANNOYING ME!" he bellowed, springing up. "FIFTY PUSHUPS FOR BUGGING YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER AND CRITISIZING HIS CHOICES OF FOOD, MAGGOT!" he screamed, throwing his sausage on the ground. Everyone ran over to the two hobbits to see Frodo do some work for a change. Legolas was thinking how miserable and humiliating that would be, but he decided to kick poor Frodo while he was down.
"Hee, hee, hee, you look so stupid, I mean, like, dude!" he laughed, pointing at Frodo, who amazingly had already gotten to fifteen. Frodo went red in the face and looked like he was about to cry. Legolas continued to chuckle until he realized that everyone was glaring at him. Sam was blowing steam from his ears.
"You...you..." he started, but he was so furious that he could not say anything and sat down. "You tell him for me, Gandalf," he managed to say, "I will say no more." He put his head in his hands. Gandalf practically jumped for joy when he heard those words.
"I will say it with pleasure," he said proudly, turning to a very scared Legolas. Legolas shrunk behind Aragorn, who pushed him away. Gandalf cleared his throat, and everyone held their breaths. "ONE HUNDRED PUSHUPS FOR SPEAKING OUT OF LINE, MAGGOT!" shrieked Gandalf. Legolas sulked and lay down on the ground.
"One sir, two sir, three sir, oh, I can't do it anymore, sir!" he wailed, dropping to the dirt. The Fellowship stared at him pitilessly.
"You should have thought of that before you called him a name," said Aragorn haughtily.
"What do you think of all day, anyways?" questioned Boromir.
Legolas's mind went to face creams, body creams, lilac fragrances, dry and fringed hair, what would happen if such a thing could happen to him and how he could go on living, and last of all, his one true love which he expected to see in Rohan, the beautiful Eowyn. "Uh-hum," he said, "I don't really think you need to know. Anyways, you are all so mean to me!" he pouted.
"That's what you get for bein' mean to Private Frodo," replied Sam, walking over to him.
"Private Frodo?" said Boromir.
"Yes," answered Sam, "I am promoting him to the rank of Private, since he has completed his pushups, unlike girly-boy here," he pointed to Legolas, who had not even gotten to seven and was whining about his hair getting messy and his complexion growing filthy.
Sam sighed and rolled his eyes. "Is there anyone who will do the rest of Cadet Legolas' pushups for him so that he can put some Olay Regenerist on his face?" he asked the Fellowship. No one responded. "You'll get no name calling for a whole month," continued Sam.
"Well, that isn't so bad," said Pippin hopefully.
"No," said Sam, "No, it isn't." Pippin thought for a second, and then said, "It's a deal!" He shook Sam's hand vigorously and dropped on the ground. He had already gotten to twenty-five within ten seconds.
"Wow, he's like Superman!" said Gimli, tugging on his beard.
"Which one, the guy in the movie, or the dude on the TV show?" questioned Aragorn.
"What does it matter?" shrugged Gimli.
"It just DOES!" squealed Aragorn.
"Oh, just shut up for once in your life, will you?" said Merry, disgusted; "I thought we were talking about Pippin, anyways."
"Who?" asked Aragorn stupidly, scratching his head. He took his hand away from his head and looked at it. "Oh, diapers," he muttered, "Looks like I have flakes again. Time again for the stinky shampoo."
Sorry, that wasn't too long. Review, review!