Well, folkies, here's the next chapster! Read, Review (Most importantly) and Enjoy! (Second most important. I guess reading would be the least important. Wait, I'm not making any sense here. If you don't read, then you can't review after you enjoy it. How am I making sense?)
StringynKel: Uh oh... all my reviewers have seemed to catch the 'laughing up your gut' sickness. Let this be a warning to the rest of you before you journey forward on your trial of peril!
Authoressinhiding: Thanks for the review, once again! I'm glad you're enjoying it!
Disclaimer: I think... wait.. nope. Don't own LOTR (or darth vader, in the previous chappie,) and never will.
The Company continued their absolutely ridiculous behavior, not knowing that every orc could hear them.
Only one orc who was hanging upside down, pretending he was a bat, complimented them on their singing.
"Ya gotta admit, fellas," he said, "For the enemies of Sauron, they've got some voices."
Another orc named Lurtz slapped him on the head.
"They've picked up our trail," he growled, "And we will deliver them, good voices or not." He glared at the orc, who at that moment wanted his mommy. But sadly he realized that orcs, little or not, had no mommies. With this shock, he screeched loudly, "I WANT MY MOMMY! WAAHHH!" He started to sob uncontrollably.
All the orcs told him to shut up, and said things like, "Stop your squealing, you dungy old rat," or "I'm gonna bleed you like a stuck pig!" And other wonderful things like that. They were all mad except for one nice orc who patted him on the head.
"Aww, it's okay there, little guy," he said, "We don't need mommies, cause we've got each other." He gave the best smile he possibly could without braces and patted him on the back.
"You, you really think so?" sniffled the orc.
The other orc nodded. "Of course I do, and-" he paused suddenly and turned to the others. "Darn it all, guys, for once in your life could you not eat each other? I'm trying to comfort this dude, here."
The others stopped eating and stared at him.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" said an Orc.
"I think I'm thinking what you're thinking," replied another. They looked at each other, and dove for the little orc.
"Let's get him!" they shouted.
"EEEEKKK!" the poor little orc shrieked, diving away and running off into the passage.
As the Fellowship commenced through the Mines, Gandalf suddenly said as they were walking, "Look down, everyone, and you will see the pretty Mithril."
Idiots that they were, they all quickly looked down to see it.
"Where is the Mithril, where IS the Mithril?" Gimli asked.
"Ha, ha, ha, made ya look, made ya look, now you're in the baby book," chuckled Gandalf evilly, hopping from one foot to another.
The Fellowship glared at him as he danced. "So when is this Balrog gonna come along?" asked Boromir.
"Search me," replied Aragorn, "but I hope soon. This geezer is gettin' on my nerves."
"You can say that again, brother," replied Legolas.
Suddenly the shriek of an orc came into hearing. The Fellowship halted and listened intensely. Aragorn put his hand to his ear.
"Hark, ist that a resonance of suffering that I heed?" he said.
Boromir strained to hear. "I cannot tell who or what it is," he said.
"Legolas, what do your Elf ears hear?" Gimli asked impatiently.
"How should I know, I'm not a bat. I can only see far," replied Legolas annoyed.
Gimli grumbled. "Guess you're only a one talent kinda guy," he said.
"It's SARUMAN!" yelled Gandalf.
The Fellowship stared at him in disgust. "Dude, you are so, like, not on track here," criticized Sam.
As he was saying this, the orc came into view, and he was being chased by the other orcs, and, unbelievingly, the nice orc who had tried to comfort him. They were starving and wanting more meats, and the little orc was getting on their nerves.
"Why can't we have some meats?" cried one. Suddenly the Fellowship came into sight, and the orcs stopped dead still.
"What 'bout them?" said one, "They're fresh!"
Gandalf came up to them. "They are not for eating!" he yelled.
"What 'bout their legs?" said an orc. "They don't need those. Ooh, they look tasty." He started towards the freaked-out Fellowship.
Gandalf shoved him back. "Get back, scum!" he shouted.
The orcs growled menacingly, and Aragorn dove behind Legolas, who thought how much of a baby he was. Boromir laughed unafraid and drew his sword.
"I do not fear death," he said proudly. Aragorn popped out from behind Legolas and pulled his sword out also.
"The way is shut," snarled an orc, "It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut," he said, approaching the company.
Gandalf and Sam were in the front, and Sam was angry and annoyed. He turned back to the Fellowship, who was awaiting a speech to cheer them on. Sam's eyes welled up with tears, and he said, "For Frodo." He charged at the orcs head on, shouting, "Back, you devils!" he killed one orc and punched another in the face.
The Fellowship yelled and ran after him. Soon all the orcs were dead, except for the little orc who had started all the trouble.
He grinned sheepishly at them as they stared at him. He gave a little wave and said, "Well, my preciousess, I think you had best move on to decent places. There is a nice bridge up ahead, and we must go, yes, we must go at once!"
"We're not in decent places," remarked Aragorn.
"Dude, he just said that!" shouted Boromir.
"He did not!" yelled Aragorn, "He said we should keep going until we get to decent places. You're wrong, wrong, you couldn't be any wronger!"
Boromir pouted unhappily.
Frodo had been staring at the little orc for some time, when suddenly he realized that the orc was not an orc! "Gollum," he said suddenly, glaring at the orc.
The Fellowship turned to him.
"What?" said Pippin.
"Do you remember the Old Forest, on the borders of Buckland? Folk used to say there was something in the-" Merry started foolishly.
"Quit it, Cadet," ordered Sam harshly, "You don't say that yet. And I have come to see that... it is Gollum! The old villain!"
Everyone turned to the orc, who appeared rather scared.
"Let's get 'im!" shouted Gimli, running at the shriveled and retired hobbit. (Actually he owned a penthouse in New York city and his own resort in California, but we won't get into that right now.)
"No, wait, hold it, Gimli," said Sam. Gimli muttered and retreated back to the others. Sam slowly approached Gollum, who was rather scared. Sam knelt down beside him and said, "You know the way to Khazad-dum?"
"Yes," squeaked Gollum.
"You've been there before?" said Sam.
"Yes," squealed Gollum, who looked even more scared than before.
"You will lead us to the bridge of Khazad-dum," commanded Sam firmly. "But first, you will have that boxing match with me. I want to beat you up."
Gollum groaned, "Ohh, we don't feel like boxing now, stupid fat hobbit! It ruins it!" he slammed his fist on the ground. Sam sighed irritably. "Fine, 'ave it your own way," he said, getting up, "But you will take us to the bridge of Khazad-dum. We need to be pressin' on, here, and we don't have much time."
Suddenly Gandalf cried, "I DON'T WANT TO DIE, NOOOOOOOOO!" he plunked on the ground again and reached for a tissue. Celeborn patted him on the head and handed him one. Gandalf glared at him and slapped his hand away. Poor Celeborn was shattered.
Gollum looked at Sam. "What's wrong with the wizard, precious?" he asked.
"He's bein' a baby, that's what," Sam replied.
"I am not a baby!" shrieked Gandalf, stamping his foot on the ground. Sam rolled his eyes in annoyance.
Well, that's that, people, now's that lovely part where you tell me what a great job I did! He he he!