Chapter 9: Reflections
As she closed the door, Elizabeth decided that she wasn't quite tired yet. So she made a cup of chamomile tea and decided that she would write in her journal like she meant to earlier at the cemetery. Thinking for a moment, Elizabeth's eyes wandered to the table with all the framed photos on it. Her eyes first fell on the picture from just a few months prior of her, Lucas, and Little Jack. That was a precious memory. Elizabeth had truly enjoyed her time with Lucas. He was such a good companion, and there was never a dull moment. Then, she looked to her left and came across the picture of her and Jack on their honeymoon. She touched the frame and then caressed Jack's face in the frame. "Oh Jack, how I miss you. How I miss us. How I miss what could have been with you, me and Little Jack", Elizabeth spoke in a voice just above a whisper.
Then, she picked up her pen and wrote:
"Today I visited the graves of Lucas and Jack. As I walked through the cemetery, I saw the graves of former students and community members who also battled this flu epidemic and lost their lives. They were all so young! I am so amazed at the strength that the women of Hope Valley have. Here they are, people like Molly and Cat, who lost their husbands only 10 years ago, and now they've lost their children. And yet, they go on about their lives, now raising their grandchildren as their very own.
Then, I look at myself and I feel like I am barely functioning some days. I wonder how I did this back when Jack passed. And I remember the community of widows and children that surrounded me and loved on me. But I found out about Little Jack too, and I knew I had to go on for him, because now I'd always have a piece of Jack with me.
This time, though, it feels different. I never thought I had to fear losing Lucas. Wasn't he the "safe" choice? I thought that I wouldn't have to worry about losing him like I lost Jack. But here I am again, mourning the loss of someone who meant a lot to me. I miss the companion that Lucas was and the accessibility of affection that I had so easily available with him. We had so much in common, and it seemed like it was working out pretty well. Where did I go wrong? Didn't I face my fears by letting love in again with Lucas?
Yet, this epidemic took away all that. And here I am again, 5 years later, at a state of loss. But the strange thing is that I've noticed this time through, I feel like it's Jack that I've lost all over again. I DO miss Lucas, but I long for Jack at this time. It literally feels like a deep ache within my soul.
Faith mentioned earlier that it's possible that maybe I didn't fully grieve Jack because of being pregnant with Little Jack. I wonder if that is true.
I told Nathan earlier that I felt so lost and alone, but I also feel very confused. How was it so easy to put away (bury) things that Lucas and I shared, and yet, it took me 2 years to take off Jack's rings? Why is it Jack that I'm aching for when Lucas was supposed to be my lifetime love? This baffles me to no end.
Faith also mentioned that it was important that I allow myself to feel. It's like once she wrote that out, that's all that I've been doing. But then she wrote the word process as well. That is what I am not sure how to do. For now, I think that journaling what goes on in my head is best. And, allowing myself times like today to recharge
. I think if I don't, the headaches and insomnia won't stop even if I am faithful with my medicine that Faith prescribed. Elizabeth looked up from her journal and heavily sighed. She took Faith's second prescription out of her purse and unfolded it onto the desk, and she read it out loud, "1) Journal, 2) Feel, 3) Process." She thought to herself, "Well, it's a start." She took the prescription and placed it in her journal, closing it up. She'd visit her journal again tomorrow at some point. Elizabeth got up to put her teacup in the sink, and she looked at the photo of Jack on the table. "I miss you, my love," as she smiled at the picture. Once again, she looked at the picture of Lucas, herself, and Little Jack and thought to herself, "I wish that could have been Jack." But it hadn't been and she sighed heavily and turned out the light and went upstairs.
Now down the road at the Grant rowhouse, Allie was I n her bedroom reading a book before going to sleep. Nathan came and stood at the doorway. He cleared his throat and went on to speak to Allie. "Umm, Allie, I wanted to thank you for going along earlier with my spontaneous invitation to the Thorntons for dinner. It was one of those times that I truly felt that we could be there for both of them. I wanted to tell you how proud I was of you for your flexibility in the situation and how you interacted with Little Jack. You are becoming such a responsible young lady and I'm so very proud of you. And I'm sure that the Thorntons appreciate the time and care that we gave to them as well", Nathan said, smiling at his daughter and with sincerity in his eyes.
Allie placed the book next to her on the bed and pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees. "Thanks Dad. I knew that this was one of those times you talked about earlier today, and I was glad to do it. Despite the fact that I know that you were hurt by her choice with Mr. Bouchard, as you pointed out before my adoption ceremony, we want what's best for the Thorntons because they are our friends first and foremost", Allie responded.
Allie thought for a moment and then looked at her dad with a puzzled look and asked, "Dad, how long does it take to grieve someone?" Mrs. Thornton just doesn't seem like herself lately. When we met Mrs. Thornton, it had been a little over a year since Mr. Thornton passed away... or do I call him Mountie Jack? It seemed like Mrs. Thornton was doing OK back then. Was it like this when my mom died?", Allie asked with sad eyes. Nathan sat next to Allie on the bed, and put his arm around her and responded, "Each person has their own way of grieving their loved ones. When Mrs. Thornton lost Mountie Jack, she was a new bride, and I'm sure it was hard to lose her husband. But then, she found out that she was going to be a mom to Little Jack and that a piece of Mountie Jack would still be with her, and I'm sure that brought about a sort of comfort and joy. So, in that sense, it is sort of like when your mom died. Your mom was my best friend, and losing her was very hard. Yet, I found out that I was given one of the best gifts I could ever have received. A piece of my sister, a piece of my best friend that brought me comfort and joy. That gift was you Allie. I still miss your mom even now, 10 years later. Some days, I do really well, but on other days, I think I'd feel a little lost if I didn't have you. Does that make sense? "Basically, it's a process that takes time," Nathan commented as he brushed his daughter's hair away from her face as he looked seriously into her hazel eyes. Allie nodded and responded with a big hug. "Thanks Dad for explaining that to me and being a great example of a true friend. I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I love you, Dad," Allie said as she snuggled under the covers. Nathan chuckled and leaned over to give Allie a kiss on her forehead. He turned out the light and wished his daughter a good night.
Nathan went into his bedroom and closed the door. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and put his hand over his face. In a sense, it had been a long and hard day. As he opened his eyes, he knew what he needed to do before anything else. Nathan kneeled at his bedside and closed his eyes once again. He knew that the only way that he could peacefully handle any situation, personally or Mountie-related, was in this act of surrender through prayer. It's how he had faced things when Colleen passed and he took Allie in, and if he was being honest with himself, it's how he managed to face the rejection from Elizabeth. Additionally, he was so thankful that he and Allie recovered so quickly from the flu bug, but his heart broke for those in his community that had lost their loved ones. There was nothing that he felt he could do in this situation except be there in any capacity that he could to serve his community and pray each night. He didn't know how to explain it, but he found power, strength, and peace in these prayer moments. After his prayers, Nathan whispered an amen and settled himself for bed as well.