Chapter 16: Scratching the Surface
On Wednesday after school, Elizabeth worked at her desk until Joseph came for her grief counseling appointment. The session would be over at the school/church so that they would have the space to speak privately and without disruption. Joseph opened the time with prayer and, afterwards, asked Elizabeth how she was doing since Lucas had passed away. Elizabeth looked around the room as she thought for a moment, and her eyes began to fill with tears.
Elizabeth heavily sighed and shared, "I am doing... fair. It's better now since I've been journaling again these past few months, visited the cemetery, and had some good crying sessions. But Joseph, I don't think I'm just mourning Lucas. I feel like I'm mourning Jack all over again. Or, maybe, for the first time ever. I have this deep ache inside of me. I feel so very sad and lonely. I mean, it's better now than before because I'm starting to be around loved ones again. At first, I had anxiety issues when I got around others, but now I find the company of others, like at Sunday's picnic, to be very comforting. I've truly enjoyed being back with my students here in the classroom this past week. I've missed them so much! I think being here will help too. But my concern is, how do I deal with this grief? I feel so stuck. How do I deal with the fact that I'm mourning Jack still too? " . Joseph looked into Elizabeth's eyes and spoke, "Elizabeth, all that you are sharing with me is perfectly normal in any grieving experience. It will not always be this intense. I'm glad that you've taken up journaling again and that you're allowing yourself to cry through this grief. But, from what I understand, you found out you were pregnant with Little Jack soon after you lost Jack Sr.? Do you feel like you mourned him completely back then? " Elizabeth looked down at her hands in her lap and then back up at Joseph and nodded her head no. "I think I got so wrapped up in my pregnancy and setting up for Little Jack's arrival and also returning back to work that I pushed it aside. I mean, I did think of my loss and Jack, but I feel like this time with losing Lucas, I'm feeling the loss of Jack this time through just as much, if not, maybe even more than Lucas. Is it horrible to say that? I never thought I'd be alone again in my lifetime. I thought that Lucas was a safe choice and someone that I didn't have to fear losing like I lost Jack. But here I am again, without a love, without a companion, "she lamented as she gazed out the window.
Just then, in the distance, she saw Nathan riding by on Newton on his afternoon rounds. She watched intently the whole time that they were in sight. Once out of view, she looked back at Joseph, who was looking at Elizabeth with a curious look on his face, and with that, she blushed and looked down at her hands in her lap. Elizabeth asked, "Elizabeth, what were you thinking just now, as Nathan rode by?"
Elizabeth shook her head, shrugged, but this time, didn't look at Joseph. "I'm not really sure. Sometimes, especially during this time of grieving, I've had some recurring thoughts and questions go through my head about that matter too. I've been thinking so much lately about everything. Two years ago, before I made my decision about Lucas, I was torn between how I felt about Lucas and Nathan. I cared for both men in different ways. I was really drawn to Nathan. We had an inexplicable bond there. But I wouldn't allow myself to get too close or feel too much for him because I didn't want to lose him like I lost Jack. I mean, he's a Mountie, after all, and it's a dangerous job. I thought that made it more of a risk to lose him. When Nathan admitted that he was in love with me, it terrified me to the core. And I ran away, not only physically but emotionally as well, and I invested in my relationship with Lucas more. He was safe. He was there. He was consistent. And I chose him and I put an emotional wall up with Nathan. I compared him to Jack because of the uniform. I couldn't separate the individual men; I just saw the uniform and it scared me. The thing is, though, I lost Lucas. The one I thought would be the steady one. So, my mind has been swirling with various thoughts. Did I make the wrong choice? Did I deny myself happiness? Did I deny Nathan or even Allie a chance of it as well? These are things that have been going through my head as well as the loss of BOTH Jack and Lucas. Should I even be thinking about this during this time I'm grieving for two men that I've loved? I'm so confused about how I feel right now, Joseph," Elizabeth softly cried as she spoke.
"Do you feel like you decided about Lucas out of fear, Elizabeth?" Joseph inquired. Once more, Elizabeth shook her head, shrugged, and whispered her answer, "I don't know, maybe?Jack's job always terrified me, but we moved forward because we loved one another. I couldn't see doing that again just to lose out. So, maybe? I mean, I did love spending time with Lucas. He was a good companion, and we had a lot in common with our backgrounds. He seemed like a good choice, a safe one, for me and Little Jack. "
Joseph and Elizabeth talked for about another 30 minutes. They concluded that Elizabeth would continue these sessions with Joseph weekly until further notice. Joseph encouraged Elizabeth to continue to journal and visit the cemetery as she had been doing for her emotional release. Also, he encouraged her to pray things out as well. That when she felt overwhelmed, she should take it to God, let it go, and let Him work within her. He referred to a poem he had read by W.B. Yeats called Broken Dreams. Elizabeth thanked Joseph for his time and help and made her way to the rowhouse to relieve Laura for the evening.
As he was closing up the schoolhouse, Joseph reflected on the meeting from that day. He felt good about how the whole conversation went, but he had a concern too. Yet, Joseph believed it was too early in Elizabeth's grieving process to address it just now, so he made a mental note of doing it at a later time. Joseph believed that Elizabeth would need to eventually address her feelings and fears about Nathan because he could see that the matter was never truly addressed or resolved. One step at a time, for now, the focus would be on getting her through the loss of both Lucas and Jack completely.