AN: YES I UPDATED. Sorry it took so long….hopefully you all don't hate me too much

Chapter 7, A.K.A. The Randomly Kenny-Based Fic with Absolutely no Plot Whatsoever

It's very early in the morning, and our young hero is trying to sleep peacefully after a night of hard partying. His father, however, has different plans.

Readers know what those "different plans" are, because they've seen it a thousand times before

In the canon show, Kenny's dad is merely a drunk who occasionally beats up his wife. But in the fanfiction world, we are led to believe that Stewart, because he is poor, also wails on his children. He also rapes them, forces them into prostitution, calls them unpleasant names, and gives them no lunch money.

So Stewart barges into Kenny's room, drunk, as usual. He stumbles over to the bad, and hits Kenny on the head with a large bottle of rum.

"Hey, uh….kid…..get up." Poke. "Yer brother needs food 'n Poke. "Gettup." Poke. Poke.

After this UNBELIEVEBLY RUDE awakening, Kenny rubs his eyes and sits up. He looks over and sees his father, looking very angry. "But father!" he cries, "I was having a most pleasant dream! Please allow my poor, under-nourished body time to rest! I beg of you!"

Readers wonder why Kenny is suddenly speaking like Pip

Stewart just mumbles and blindly swings his arms around, as he staggers out of the room, leaving Kenny to start his horrible day.

Readers know his day will be horrible because he is poor, and that is reason enough

First, he grabs some hair gel (the cheap dollar-store kind that gives you herpes) and applies it to his hair.

Although he is smelly and has not bathed for several weeks, fangirls still swoon over the human sex God

After finishing his sex-locks©, he moves on to his favorite part of the day……getting dressed.

Cue moronic drooling and staring at groin

He removes his shirt, revealing rippling muscles.

Of course malnourished people have muscles. Stop being so stupid

After examining his fuckability in the mirror, he drops his pants (Can you say "bulge"?) and finally….his boxers.

Warning: Viewing the genitals of Kenny McCormick will make all other genitals appear disfigured and strangely disappointing

Kenny now begins making love to himself.

It's what God would want him to do

After enjoying a good morning self-blow-job, Kenny now skips happily to the bus stop to join his friends/butt-buddies. Cartman nods at his "friend" while secretly getting a mind erection. Kyle is reading a book, because he is a Jew, and that's what they do. Stan is, um…jocking…..or something. The audience doesn't care; they just want Kenny to strip.

Shouts of "spring break" and "take it off!" can be heard

Insert depressing bus ride speech about how Kenny will never find true love and has syphilis again

We arrive at school, where Kenny jay-walks up to his bitches. They be wantin' they money, but they be his boos so he don't want none of that, 'aight?

Spell check just committed suicide

"Hey boo," Kenny says as he fluffs his pimp jacket (It was there the whole time, kay?) and grips his jeweled cane. "Kiss my sexy chest." And it is kissed. It is kissed by everyone. In fact, kissing his chest turns into a contest to see who kisses it the best.

Mr. Garrison wins.

I REGRET NOTHING

For the rest of the day, Kenny just masturbates (with enthusiastic applause) and writes beautiful poetry. His soul is tortured or something…..I dunno. But he writes. Oh, how he writes……

So Kenny and his hoes live happily ever after in the land of semen and candy shops (Like the song, retards). Until he gets shot by Homicidal Butters© in one of his death rampages. From then on he's Satan's bitch.

Please review! It makes my brain smile