Senseless Rambling: Sweet Moses, has it really been so long since I've updated? I figured it was safe to come out of hiding and update, since the violent e-mails from authors here have diminished in supply, and I require new hurtful insults to sustain my life force. And souls. I could always use more souls.

Right, so, this chapter is basically summing up mpregs (Male Pregnancy), seeing as how there has been a disturbing increase in these. Don't get me wrong, they can be pretty funny, but when the author tries to make it serious….well, then it's my job to step in and mock it with my not-funny humor.

I love Stan/Kyle, do not flame me for that, plznthnx. Now read, and please keep any biological weapons away from me, I don't want your filthy germs.

Ch. 9, A.K.A. If you have a you-know-what you can still get knocked up

It was a dark and stormy—wait, no, dark and SEXY night in South Park, specifically in the bedroom of young Stanley Marsh. The raven-haired boy was nibbling (GRAPHIC, SO GRAPHIC) on the neck of his Jewish lover---

Ike? Gerald? Some OTHER Jewish person besides the obviously clichéd one we know is coming?

---Kyle Broflovski.

Readers impale themselves

"OH STANLEY! LET'S HAVE SEX! HOT, GRAPHIC, CATHOLIC-ON-JEW SEX!" screamed Kyle.

Wait, they're in bed together and they HAVEN'T had sex? Why are their clothes off, then? And how come no one can hear the screaming?

Stan drooled, but suddenly, his empty jock-skull (Football players have no IQ) had a pure thought.

"Kyle…..are you sure? WHAT ABOUT SAVING OURSELVES FOR OUR HIP, FASHIONABLE GAY WEDDING?"

Kyle stared at him. "Stan…gay marriage isn't legal in the U.S."

GOLLY GEE KYLE SURE IS SMART

Stan blinked as the goblins in his head processed this information. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that words are annoying and there was a naked kid in front of him.

"Sex?" he asked. Kyle nodded.

"Yes, Stan. Sex." Stan squealed and much humping ensued.

This would be where some cheesy love-song lyrics would be inserted, because the authoress, despite being in her early teens and having only experienced lust, knows what true love is. WHY DIDN'T CODY EVER RETURN HER CALLS? IT WAS ALL THAT STUPID BRITNEY'S FAULT…..Ahem. So. Song lyric time.

AND IIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU

Song time over. It is now early morning, and birds sing, possibly frolicking among the branches whilst awaiting death by global warming.

The readers who survived the screeching death ballet of lyrics that is a Celine Dion song are now awaiting the Authoress telling her audience that gay sex is wrong

Gay sex is not wrong.

Several male readers leave. The remaining readers await the Authoress explaining the values of safe sex

Safe sex is for pussies.

Readers decide to just fuck it

BACK TO THE STORY

Kyle awoke bright and early (Smart people wake up early, remember?) and stared lovingly at his boyfriend's sleeping form next to him. Suddenly, his warm and happy feeling disappeared as it was replaced by another feeling…morning sickness.

"LIKE IMMA GONNA PUKE," screamed the red-head as he ran for nearest available exit….the window.

FACE PALM

"Kyle vomited out the window, and the force of the vomit killed Kenny as he passed by, on his way to his morning visit to Raisins.

Logic is dead and gone, people. It died with its life partner, Common Sense, many moons ago

Kyle burped, and the noise of that TREMENDOUS BELCH woke him up.

"WHAT'S GOING ON? WHERE ARE MY PANTS?" Kyle glanced at the screaming jock.

"Stan, I have morning sickness and my stomach feels weird. I think we should go to the doctor."

Stan blinked. "Why me? BITCH, I AIN'T YO DADDY." He snapped his fingers for dramatic effect.

"PLEEEEEEEAAAAASE? I WANT YOU TO BE WITH ME BECAUSE I LOVE JOOOOO," he cooed with large juppy-eyes.

Jew plus Puppy equals Juppy SHUT UP

With that COMPLETELY CONVINCING argument, Stan and Kyle hotwired—er, borrowed Randy's car and headed for the South Park Hospital. Oh, and you can be sure they had lots of sex on the way there.

FACE PALM. AGAIN

After parking the GropeMobile in the Handicapped Parking Space (STAN'S A REBEL), they rushed inside and suddenly appeared in the doctor's office like, 4 floors up. HOW THEY GOT THERE SO FAST MATTERS NOT. We just have to experience the Terrible Shock.

The doctor waddled (I need sleep) up to Kyle and examined him. "Hmmm….Something appears to be wrong with this teenager….I'm going to have to examine him further in the back room. The dark, secluded back room. With the door locked."

The boys saw no problem with this.

Readers would face palm, but their skulls have already burst open from the force of their previous face-palming

Several gropes and awkward noises later, Mr. Pedophile Doctor and Kyle emerged from the back room.

"I have some bad news," said Mr. Pedophile Doctor. Kyle clutched his lover's shirt and whimpered.

Stan broke the Dramatic Silence. "Is it testicle cancer? PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT TESTICLE CANCER. 'Cause if somethin' happens to his you-know-what, I'm totally out of here. I'm just in it for the sex, man."

Everyone laughed heartily. Stan is so sweet and retarded!

Readers bang their heads' on the keyboard furiously. The fic is loosing more and more intellect by the second

"No, no," chuckled Mr. Pedophile Doctor (I'm getting sick of typing that) "Kyle is simply pregnant."

The audience is now completely certain that the authoress is indeed on crack

Kyle squealed happily. "OH STAN! IMMA GONNA BE A MOMMA!"

Stan promptly passed out.

SEVERAL UNCONCIOUS HOURS LATER…..

Stan and Kyle are now back in Stan's room, and the GropeMobile is….not. Yeah. So. Our two lovebirds are now stuck with the issue of telling their parents, and their friends, of Kyle's little bundle of gayness. Luckily for them, there is a conveniently timed Block Party that every person who ever visited South Park at any time ever is required by law to attend.

Instead of using intelligent dialogue to pass the time before the Block Party, we're just gonna ignore all aspects of logic and say that it is now like, 8 pm or something. Whenever Block Parties are held, that's what time it is.

The Authoress is not very popular and has therefore never been to a Block Party

The party was huge, and people were crowded into every available surface of South Park. Everyone was there!

The Audience knows everyone is there, because the Authoress told them everyone would be about four paragraphs ago. They forget she's on crack and therefore has no idea what she's typing. She believes she is in Epcot right now

Stan gripped Kyle's hand and they maneuvered through the crowds together, searching for the stage. Yep, you guessed it! They were going to announce to everyone that Kyle was pregnant!

Several paragraphs depicting Kyle vomiting on Kenny and killing him again later…..

They reached the stage and climbed up, grabbing the microphone. Nobody made even a remote attempt to stop them from rushing the stage, because Kyle is pregnant and pregnant people are allowed to do whatever they want.

"Attention everyone!" Stan said, grabbing the crowds…attention (Note to self: Buy a thesaurus). "I, Stanley Marsh, have an announcement to make." He paused here for dramatic effect, causing the heads of several members of the GINORMOUS CROWD to explode in anticipation.

"Kyle Broflovski, MY HOMOSEXUAL LOVER, is pregnant…WITH OUR LOVE CHILD LIKE WOAH." The crowd gasped.

Randy Marsh, a geologist and therefore an expert on pregnancies, spoke up. "BUT, HOW CAN SOMEONE WITH A YOU-KNOW-WHAT GET PREGNANT?"

Someone else jumped up on stage and grabbed the mic. "I can answer that," came the voice of Damien, South Park's favorite (ONLY) Anti-Christ.

The readers vaguely recall Damien explaining the TweekCraig pregnancy earlier, so they assume he is a Doctor. Not because he's Doctor-worthy, just because they think he'd look hot in the outfit

"Kay, so, I was like, screwing that blonde kid Pip earlier, and I busted up time and space or some shit. I dunno. But anyways, it is now possible for men to get pregnant, which would explain why my Father, SATAN THE ÜBER GAY PRINCE OF DARKNESS, is pregnant."

"Satan's gay?" Cartman wondered in astonishment. The entire crowd face-palms.

Cartman has just hit a new low of retardation

"THAT EXPLAINS IT," screeched Kyle, as he jumped into Stan's arms for a kiss.

The Audience "awwws" and vomit onto the computer screen

So Stan and Kyle have their baby, and name it "Style." STAN PLUS KYLE EQUALS STYLE LAWL I'M SO CLEVER. Anywho, Style becomes some sort of genius and marries Ike, because Ike isn't REALLY his uncle so it's legal but still really creepy. Cartman, after learning the gayness of Satan, goes on a spiritual journey and becomes a Monk, and later becomes a Pimp, thus making him the world's first Mimp. And Damien goes on many magical adventures explaining to gay men why they're suddenly shitting out kids.

Like? Love? Hate? Review and tell me! Seriously, your reviews sustain me. LOVE AND RAINBOWS!