Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not any single name of Remus or Sirius! You do know whom they belongs to... :-(

Dedicated especially for actually omniscient, and an anonymous for taking a minute of your life to review my story which wasn't worthy at all (though I love it... lol).

Anyway... I forget to place a Warning in first chapter. So, here is the warning: Remus x Sirius slash... if you think you don't like this pairing and couldn't get over it, the exit door is on the right top of your window. Enjoy!

What Are These Feelings Called, Realization

By green-mermaid

I didn't quite sure how I get into the common room. All I knew was after that amber eyes boy said something that was beyond my brain; my feet walked by itself and led the way without the work of my brain. And soon, they led me to this familiar common room of my dorm.

I stuffed myself on the red coach near the fireplace, the usual place for James, Peter, and I (though sometimes I saw Remus sat on the coach too). I stared blackly to the blazing fire on the fireplace while my brain stopped thinking.

Remus... the one whom I always torture these three years? Remus... the one whom I always quarrel with these three years? Remus Lupin! That Remus Lupin...

I felt really get discouraged and didn't seem wanted to do something though I knew that Mr. Homeworks couldn't wait for me to regain my ardor. I sighed heavily and loudly, hoping that letting out breath could make me more in spirit. And it was hopeless. So, I suggested you not to do it because it was useless.

Not long after I let out a sigh, the portrait hole of Fat Lady let opened and made a tunnel for anybody who walked inside this common room. I didn't have any interest to look at the person who will enter the common room. I had lost my interest in everything! Wait... why did I lose my interest? I wasn't like this before I went to that library where both of them doing something that I couldn't interfere at all!

Someone sat on the couch next to me. I turned my head to see who the person that sat next to me was. There I saw James. With the same exasperated sigh. With the same gloomy face. With the same pouting mouth.

"James?" I called him.

"Oh... hello, Sirius," He replied me gloomily.

"What happened?"

He seemed to hesitate at first and tried to change the topic. "And what happened to you?"

Okay... think fast... usual reason? "Just... don't know what to do," I shrugged, trying to be as ignorant as I could.

He eyed me and shrugged his shoulder also. "I blew everything off,"

Okay... even though he answered me now, didn't mean he would forget why I was as gloomy as he was and by that time I shall search for the reason why I looked depressed. This was out of that Remus Lupin for sure. Well... Maybe...

"What do you mean?"

"I blew everything off. About me and Lily, I mean," He shrugged off his shoulder again.

I didn't say anything. Okay... my brain could be a jerk that couldn't collaborate with the situation here. But, James continued on with his sharing moments.

"Well... I was confessing my feelings again towards Lily and she scoffed at me. I really felt underestimated by her. And I asked her why she didn't want to get out with me, sorta like that," He smiled weakly.

"And then?"

I tried my best to pay my whole attention to him! I was talking with James now! Remus Lupin, get out of my sight!

"She just scoffed and said something like I was only playing along with her and she hate me for being a womanizer. Hey... do you really think that I'm that womanizer?" he cocked his eyebrow.

"Erm... depends. If I compared you with Re.. I mean Peter, yes... you are. But, if I compared you with me, maybe I am the winner," I grinned, just to break the ice here (and to make James shooed away his curiosity with my bloody-hell-matter-that-I-even-didn't-know-what-it-was).

"I'm serious, Sirius," James sighed and ran his hand to his messy hair.

"Serious is me. Okay... back to business. What did you say to her then?"

"Your question was wrong. The correct one was: 'What did I do to her then?'. That's better,"

I frowned and my mouth made a small circle. "Oh... Okay... what did you do to her then?"

"I kissed her in front of all of the students of Hogwarts. Is that clear to you?" James looked away and looked gloomier. He hugged his bend kneels tightly. "It is sucks! She slapped me after that and cried,"

He let out another exasperated sigh before stood up and faced me. "I'm not in the mood of asking you why you're as dark as me tonight. Just prepare for a reasonable answer tomorrow. I will go upstairs. Company me?"

Crap! I can't answer your question, you know that, James!

See? I was very alike with James, just like two sides of palm. I knew him and he knew me. That's what unfortunate of having a mate which was too conscious about your bad day.

"Nope, thank you. Just wanted to hanging out a little bit more," I grinned at him.

He gave me a slight nod before went upstairs to get his beauty sleep. Or maybe bad sleep. Whatever.

I didn't know how long I stared blankly on the rage of fire again. All I knew was that I suddenly heard the classic old father clock struck eleven and I dragged my feet upstairs to the spiral staircase. When I was at the boys' door room, I heard the portrait hole let open (with Fat Lady's surprise gasp and complain).

I didn't know why I should quickly enter the dorm and lied on my own bed as if I was sleeping. My heart was thumping when I heard the door opened again and a figure which I knew it well entered the dark room.

I could feel that Remus walked across my bed and stopped at the edge of my bed. Does he know that I hadn't fallen asleep?

"I'm sorry... really sorry," Remus whispered softly at let out a soft sniff before swept away his sob. He continued to his own bed (which was next to mine) and sat on it for a long time and I felt his stare on me (though it was dark in our dorm room). He then lied on his bed and slept (or he wasn't? Dunno).

What on my mind was who was he saying sorry to!

"Spill,"

I looked up and faced the boy with dark skin below his eyes. "What?"

"Spill the beans," James gawked at me.

Shit! I thought he had forgotten last night incident. "Beans?" I spooned a few green peas from my steak and offered them to James, trying to change the topic.

"Sirius Black, I don't think that your English phrase could be that dreadful," James glared at me.

"Just checking your mood in the morning. Anyway, I don't have something to spill," I inserted a piece of my meat into my mouth innocently.

"What happened with your 'date' with Remus?" He eyed me.

And crap! Why did my hand suddenly so weak so that I fell down my knife and fork.

"So, it related with that Remus Lupin, right?"

Think! Think! THINK! Okay... my brain couldn't think in a short time. It's useless. I sighed, regretting how stupid my brain was.

"Just seeing him with Jerry Mackanazia or sorta like that," I tried to act as if there's nothing wrong with that.

"Maybe, what you mean is Jerry Mackenzie," He corrected me (as usual).

Whatever! I hate that boy now. Why should I remember his name?

"Hell... I know that there's something about them. And, what made you so depressed?" James ate his tenderloin steak.

"Maybe not depressed but shocked... Dunno..." I paused, thinking the proper word to say to my best friend, but unfortunately couldn't find the word.

"Whatever! Geez, James, I even didn't know what had happened to me!" I threw my eating utensils to my plate, let it ignored by me.

I scratched my head, making my black hair messier. Hell... as if I could comb it in the morning. I didn't enough sleep last night and I overslept and didn't have enough time to comb my long hair. I regretted ever knowing a guy named Remus!

"..."

"What!"

James' expression was hard to draw. But I made a hint that he knew something that I didn't know.

"I know what happened to you,..." His eyes glinted, looking very proud of himself.

See! I told ya!

"And then, what had happened to me, Doctor James?" I asked him cynically.

"You love him,"

"..." I paused chewing my steak. Did I miss something from his word? "James... looks like I should check my health to Madam Pomfrey this afternoon,"

"Why?"

"I felt something on my throat yesterday when I saw Remus and that Jarre and now I think I heard you wrong," I let out an exasperated sigh.

"It's Jerry, Sirius. And yes, you heard me right: You-Love-Remus-Lupin. If you do not love him, why should you feel irritated and depressed when you see both of them together? And the disease of your throat that made me breathless was because you felt jealous to Jerry. I bet you also thumping hard that time," He leaned in and made our space smaller.

"Thanks for your useful advice, James. Need to throw it to the rubbish," I said to him with sarcasm.

"No! Wait! I hit it right, didn't I?" James held my hand to prevent me from run away from this conversation.

I let out an exasperated sigh before gave him a scoffing smile. "Whatever. I still like girls and Remus Lupin isn't a girl. Is that clear?"

Yes! I'm straight! I'm straight! I-AM-STRAIGHT!

"He's beautiful, more beautiful than girls you had ever met, isn't he, Sirius?"

Uh-oh... that playful smirk on his face again... Okay... he snapped me right again! 2-0 for James.

"As if I care. Could I close this case?" I tried to stay calm. Calm! Why can't my heart calm when it related to Remus Lupin?

I was about to leave the Great Hall before the owls filled the place with their flapping sound. I sighed and had stood up from my seat. I never got any mail from my family since they thought that it was some shame of me to be in Gryffindor, the worst enemy of Slytherin (aka my family).

"Hey, Sirius! There's a letter for ya!" Peter looked up from my package (he always checking everybody's package before that somebody could touch his own package).

I cocked an eyebrow and exchanged look to James (who shrugged his shoulder). I sat back and flipped the letter to its back side to check the sender.

Aha! Kreacher... never knew that a house-elf could write a letter... A bit disappointing that I hoped it was from mom (though her condition was someone beyond a psychiatrist could handle).

I tore the brown paper (with my family's seal) slowly. I didn't have any interest at all with the letter though James leaned to me and companied me reading the letter (He complained how slow I tear the letter).

Master Sirius (Uh-huh... Kreacher couldn't possibly Dear Master Sirius, since he hated me the most and vice versa).

Master Black was died yesterday. And now, the family will bury him right away. Please give us an answer whether you're going to the funeral or not.

-- Kreacher

I re-read the letter twice and read the same sentence. Master Black was died yesterday.

I didn't know how to react. I hate my dad. I really hate him! But, somehow, deep inside my heart something felt wrong and I lost something. James looked at me deeply before returning to his seat (he patted me slightly on my shoulder).

"Black?"

I looked up to the voice and there, I saw hazel eyes I'd longed for since waking up this morning. I almost grabbed his hand but when I saw the blue eyes boy beside him, I re-thought again. I laughed wearily.

"Black? What happened?" Remus touched my shoulder.

James stayed calm in his seat, didn't even bother to speak up. I slapped Remus hand and smirked at him. I couldn't think anything in this proper moment. My brain was as black as when I saw Remus with that Jerry or someone named like that. Black, yeah... that's my family name, wasn't it? Dark and gloomy.

"Showing your lovey dovey moment in front of me, huh, Lupin? Get lost! Go dating anywhere else!" I snapped him.

Remus' eyes showed that I was hurting him. But, Jerry, on the other hand, slipped his hand to Remus' slender waist.

"Yeah, we're going to Honeydukes this evening. Join us, Black?" Jerry smirked at me.

I glared darkly to him, reaching my wand and readied to point it to this boy that almost reached my anger limit. I was lost in my emotion and couldn't think clearly. All I could see was this jerk Jerry whose hand now was in Remus' waist.

I felt that somehow the students' chattering faded away. James' screamed at me but I couldn't clearly hear what he said. And Remus' eyes were showing his fear on me.

Yes... this is the most appropriate thing right? Actually, I really belonged to Slytherin since I became this evil just because jealousy and broken heart. I didn't belong to Gryffindor.

"Rid..." I flicked my wand to Jerry who faced me calmly.

"EXPELLIARMUS!"

And soon, my wand was beyond than my reach. I looked at the person who took my wand away from me. I glared to the boy who now handing two wands in his hand.

"Don't you dare, James... Give me back my wand!" I hissed with fury to him.

"Sirius! Do you want to be expelled! Merlin, Sirius!" James yelled at me and I could feel the whole Great Hall watched us. The teachers were coming towards us. Professor McGonagall touched my shoulder.

"Mr Black, are you okay?"

I glared to James for some seconds before slapped Professor McGonagall's hand harshly and stormed out of the Great Hall.

"Sirius!" I could hear Remus calling my name. My given name! Not my family name! Geez... why should I feel excited about that!

James shouted my name. So did Professor McGonagall and other teachers. The students were chatting with each other and I could hear that they were saying my name many times.

I didn't care at all! I stormed to the Astronomy Tower and felt sun shine went to my face through the half-ball glass. I didn't feel like going to the dorm since James would search me there and I didn't want to see anybody at the moment.

Nobody ever going to the Astronomy Tower and I would find my silent time there. I hate everybody! I hate my father! I hate Jerry! I hate Remus Lupin! I hate James Potter! I HATE EVERYONE!

I sat on one of the seat on the Astronomy Tower, forgetting my wand and Kreacher's letter.

Kreacher's letter! I abandoned it!

I looked up to my empty hand in my realization. I checked my robes and found nothing. After a few second, I slumped back to the lounge seat.

Whatever! I don't care about anything anymore! Let them expelled me! This is right, I don't belong to everywhere!

A knock in the door made me back to the reality. I looked up to the door and hid myself though I still checking who was coming to the tower.

"Black? I know that you're in here," the newly-come person walked down the low stairs that lied between the long seats (A/N: like in theatres).

I muttered under my breath though I was sure that the newcomer didn't hear my muttering. Or maybe he heard me... because he stopped on the stair I hid myself and walked toward my hidings. After a few second I could feel that the owner of that voice was beside me.

"I find you,"

He took away my robe (that I used for hiding). I looked up and met soft hazel eyes of Remus Lupin, a person whom I didn't feel like meeting him at this moment. Actually, I didn't even know my feelings... In one side, I wanted to be alone. But, in the other side, I wanted to be accompanied. Weirdo. For the first time of my life, he smiled to me. He smiled to me!

I looked away, hiding my face to him (in case if I was blushing). "What do you want? Looking me doing stupid things again?"

He frowned. "You're not stupid, Black," He sat on the seat next to me.

I scowled at him. "Is that sarcasm? Get lost... Gerry is waiting for you in Honeydukes. Rather than accompany a stupid person, you better accompany a smart ass, right?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "His name is Jerry. Anyway, Can't we be friend just for a moment? I'm sick of quarreling unimportant matters with you for 4 years, Black,"

I quieted down. I bent my kneels, hugging them.

"Sorry, I read your letter," He showed me Kreacher's letter and gave me the letter.

I took the letter lazily. "Never mind,"

A crooked silent grew between us. None of us said a word. "How is Ferry? Aren't you going to go with him to Honeydukes this evening?"

He kept silent. His face showed an apologizing look. "His name was Jerry, Black. Well... don't think it went well, eh?"

We were in silent again. I knew that I shouldn't be happy this time... but,... the thought of I ruined their date made me flying a bit higher. Damn! James couldn't be true that I loved him, right?

Merlin! What had I done that You made me head over heels to a boy while girls were out there wishing me to notice that they were exist in my Dictionary of Beautiful Woman?

I looked over my companion who seemed enjoyed the silence moment between us. He looked the whole room with happy expression.

"This tower looks fantastic! I wonder how beautiful it is when night," he looked the autumn sky through the glass.

I smiled. He looked like a child, very like a child. He faced me with his smiling face again. Merlin! Don't wake me up! Please! My one and only wish for the moment: let this be forever.

"You are not going to write them the reply?" He pointed to Kreacher's letter. My attention went to the brown letter. He eyed me. I could feel it on the corner of my eyes.

"I don't know," I shrugged my shoulder ignorantly and slipped the letter on my robe.

He looked at me deeply. I thought he was going to say something but he didn't. He just shrugged his shoulder and looked the sky again.

"Date with me in here tonight?"

Somehow somewhat, I couldn't control my lips for saying that to him. Shit! I really hate my mouth these days for being uncooperative with my brain and cooperative with my disobedient heart of mine!

Remus averted his gaze quickly to my eyes, looking at me with disclosure. His eyes went wide. Geez... that amber eyes really looked wonderful!

AKH! Merlin! I went mad, crazy, and insane at the same time! Me, the one who always received the date invitation from half of the girls in Hogwarts, was now giving the invitation to a boy whom I always quarrelling and torturing with for these 4 years. Moreover, he was a boy and had a smart boyfriend that went along with him well.

I guessed it wasn't only my aunty and my mother who need a psychiatrist, but I also needed one too.

-- TBC

For Beta-Readers: Many people said that I should search for a beta-reader for correcting my worst English... anybody out there who will help me?

That's for today... :D giggling... save their date for the next chapter, okay? I would be very pleased if you have a minute of your life for giving me some happiness through your review... thanks!