Chapter 28: Confessions of the Heart
When Elizabeth and Little Jack arrived out at Jack's land, she got down first off of Sergeant and tethered him to a nearby tree. Then, she reached up and pulled down Little Jack. He waited patiently by his mother's side as she offloaded the things off the saddle. Then, the two walked together to the next closest tree and laid their blanket down. Elizabeth handed Little Jack over his bag full of items that she always carried with them when they went out. There they sat, little Jack playing with his toys and Elizabeth deep in thought.
"Mama, Mama!", he exclaimed excitedly as he tapped his mother's arm and pointed. Elizabeth came out of her thoughts and looked over to where her son was pointing. At a distance, there was Nathan on Newton. "Why is he here, of all places?" Elizabeth thought to herself. But she smiled, glancing back at Little Jack and responding, "I see that Jack." The two waved to Nathan, and Nathan waved back and directed Newton in their direction.
When he arrived, Nathan dismounted Newton and tethered him next to the Sergeant. He stroked Sergeant before proceeding to the Thorntons. He smiled at them and gestured if he could sit down, and Elizabeth nodded back at him. Nathan sat down and tousled Little Jack's hair and said hello to them. Immediately, Little Jack went over and crawled into Nathan's lap and started chattering away to him about his toys. He listened attentively but stole a glance over at Elizabeth, who was watching the scenario from where she sat. Their eyes met and held in that moment. As Nathan smirked his crooked smile at her, she looked away and off into the distance, wearing a sad but thoughtful look on her face. Nathan's smile turned into a look of confusion for a moment, but he turned his attention back to Little Jack.
The three remained like that for a while. Then, Little Jack curled into Nathan more and fell asleep in his lap. Nathan shifted slightly so that both of his legs were stretched out and that the little boy was lying comfortably. He put his arms behind him to hold himself up in this position. He closed his eyes momentarily and leaned his head back to feel the fresh air and the slight wind blow across his face. Just as soon as he opened his eyes and looked around, he met Elizabeth's gaze once more. Something in that look that she wore on her face held him there, wanting to know more but not sure how to continue.
But then, he just decided to ask and said, "Elizabeth, I'm concerned. You haven't seemed like yourself lately. Is everything alright? "
Elizabeth looked away and down at her skirt as she smoothed it. She then reached over and picked a blade of grass and started stripping it, a small section at a time, and focused on that for a few moments, feeling Nathan's stare pierce through her and knowing he was waiting for an answer. Elizabeth was at a loss as to what to say but knew she couldn't keep avoiding the situation or Nathan. Regardless of her feelings, his friendship was too important. They would get through this, like they did when she chose Lucas. He remained loyal in friendship through that, and so she could only hope and pray that he could now.
Finally, once the blade of grass was gone, Elizabeth looked back over at Nathan, who had kept his gaze the entire time. She smiled tentatively and spoke, "You asked me when we spoke about my writing awhile back what was on my heart, and I didn't answer you then. You told me to let you know when I figured it out. "
Nathan nodded and spoke, "And you did just that, at the jail, when you told me of your choice. You've always been honest with me. That's one thing I appreciate about our friendship. "
Elizabeth took a deep breath and continued, "Nathan, I was wrong back then. The way that I came in and told you that. I never should have said that I was looking for Jack in you. Beyond the serge, honestly, you are nothing like him. I'm truly sorry for that hurtful comment. "
Nathan nodded and spoke, "It's OK Elizabeth, I understand." He was a bit confused as to why she brought this up, but wanted to give her the opportunity to speak her heart and mind as she needed to.
"But it's really not OK and you really don't understand Nathan.", she said, and tears began to roll down her cheeks. She brushed them back with her hand and took a few deep breaths. During this time, Nathan shifted the sleeping boy to a comfortable position between him and his mother and sat up, crossing his legs and placing his hands on his knees. At a loss for words still, he simply waited for Elizabeth to continue further.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you and Allie with my actions and words during that time of indecision. It was never my intention, but I did. I hope that one day, you will truly forgive me for that.", she choked out between sobs. She paused to regain composure and wipe away the tears with the back of her hand, now streaming down her face. Elizabeth pulled out her handkerchief and blotted her face. Nathan sat speechless, wearing a truly concerned look on his face and intently staring at Elizabeth. "Where was this coming from and why? Obviously, it's a painful memory for both of us," he thought to himself.
Nathan tried to reassure her through his words, but to reinforce those, he reached out and grabbed her hand as he spoke, "Elizabeth, it's already forgiven. Allie and I told you before, you and Little Jack are like family to us and always will be, no matter what. "
Elizabeth looked down at their hands and then into Nathan's eyes, knowing the sincerity that his words held. She smiled at him, changed her position, drew a deep breath, and continued to share with a new boldness. "Losing Jack was hard. I think it is harder than I realized until I lost Lucas too. I've done a lot of thinking, journaling, talking with Joseph and others, and just praying through that grief. But I've come to realize a few other things during this grieving process that I had buried deep within. So deep and so hidden, so that I wouldn't feel it, or have to. ", Elizabeth shared openly.
She breathed a heavy sigh and resolved to press forward. She'd come this far, she might as well go all in at this point. Elizabeth looked at Nathan and continued, "The day that I thought I lost you with the prison transfer was a raw response from me." That's when I first realized I had stronger feelings for you than I realized. That frightened me, Nathan. Originally, I thought it was because you were a Mountie like Jack and I couldn't lose you like I lost him. I didn't think I could go through that again. "
Nathan just sat there listening and waiting for her to continue. "When you confronted me about the fact that you knew that I felt the same as you and then you proceeded to share that you were in love with me, I was terrified to the core, Nathan. And I ran from you, straight to Lucas, and as we both know, I chose him.", Elizabeth said, now shaking in her spot as she shared.
Nathan nodded, but wore a pained and confused look on his own face. "I know she needs to speak this out, obviously, but rehashing this is hard.", he thought to himself. And he quietly said a prayer in his heart for them both.
Elizabeth spoke, as the tears trickled down her face again, "Nathan, I have discovered recently that I was so terrified back then because of my own feelings, not yours. I did care for you deeply, more than I understood. So, instead of trusting those feelings, myself, you, or God, I ran to safety, or so I thought."
Elizabeth continued and looked intently into Nathan's eyes, "Nathan, you mentioned earlier that I've not seemed quite myself lately. I started noticing some things, reactions and feelings, that I didn't understand. Upon further examination within my own heart, I realized something."
Nathan held her gaze and swallowed hard. He didn't know exactly where she was going with the conversation, but his heart began to pound. "Could Fiona have been right earlier?", he wondered to himself.
Elizabeth shifted her position once again, this time so she fully faced Nathan. She sat, hugging her knees to her chest, took another deep breath, and continued. "Nathan, you made me a plaque years ago with Emerson's quote: "Always do what you're afraid to do" and that's what I'm doing now. Why I am talking to you finally", she said. She looked down at Little Jack sleeping next to her and touched him tenderly before resuming, "Nathan, I am in love with you. I believe that I have been for a very long time. And, I believe the reason I was so terrified about it was because, no disrespect to Jack, but it is a deeper love than I have ever experienced before. "
The two sat there, eyes locked and motionless. Both of their blue eyes were full of tears, and both were speechless. It was hard to know how long that they sat like that, but then Little Jack began to stir and sat up shortly after. He rubbed his sleepy eyes and looked between his mother and Nathan. He touched his mother's face and cupped it in his own small hands and inquired, "What's wrong, Mama? Why are you and Mountie Nathan both crying? "
"Oh, my sweet boy, we aren't sad. Sometimes, people cry for different reasons. We were just talking and remembering some things. Mama and Mountie Nathan, we're OK, I promise.", she reassured Little Jack and gave him a big hug. She glanced over at Nathan, and he smiled.
"Ok, I'm glad. Mama, can we go home now?", Little Jack asked. Elizabeth once again looked over at Nathan as if asking him, and he nodded. She stroked Little Jack's hair and responded, "Sure we can! Let's just clean up our things and pack up, and we will be on our way. " They all stood up to complete the task and made their way to the horses. Elizabeth secured Little Jack onto Sergeant before turning to Nathan.
She spoke quietly, looking at him intently, "We are... OK, right?" Nathan smiled and nodded again. She smiled back and went to mount Sergeant and Nathan assisted her. The Thorntons waved goodbye to Nathan and rode off.
Nathan watched them ride off and exhaled the deep breath that he had been holding. He ran his hand through his hair. He never, in his wildest dreams, thought that he'd hear those words coming from Elizabeth. Nathan needed to internally digest this conversation a little and talk to Allie before he could go forward. And, most importantly, he needed to pray.