Little Gallifrey – Chapter Two
A cruelly lengthened Little Britain / Doctor Who crossover
By Nix Nada
Disclaimer – I can only apologise again…
The assembled members of the Timelord High Council listened as the Valeyard gave his final summation.
"Doctor," he said, his tone low and sonorous as a funeral bell, "you have been charged with the crime of meddling in time and the affairs of other races. If found guilty, you will be taken from this place to a place of execution; there to have your remaining regeneration stripped from you. What have you to say in your defence?"
The Doctor stood, drawing himself up to his full height.
"Yeah," he said, "but no, but yeah, right. I can't have done it cos I was with Tegan wasn't I and you can ask Nyssa if you don't believe me but don't listen to what she says cos she's a lying cow and anyway everyone knows she done it with Adric and it was Adric what give her the crabs."
He nodded firmly to underline his point.
The Valeyard cleared his throat, uneasily. "We have all seen the evidence against you, Doctor," he continued, trying to regain his composure. "Am I to take it that this is to be your sole defence?"
The Doctor thought about this for a second before reaching a decision. "Shut up!" he said. "You don't know nothing cos you wasn't there and anyway the Rani was letting the Master touch her bum if he give her a fag but he never give her one so she went in a right strop and got off with Reverend Magister just to make the Master jealous only it was the Master and when she found out she took a wee in his TARDIS console room and blamed it on Romana."
"If I may interrupt," said the Inquisitor, loudly, as she tried to bring proceedings to a speedy close. "It is the decision of this court that the Doctor's fate be decided by the Matrix – the repository of all knowledge on Gallifrey." She turned to an old Timelord who wore a large key on a chain around his neck. "Keeper of the Matrix," she said. "What is the verdict?"
The Keeper tapped a few buttons on the console before him. As he waited for the machine to give its results, he gave a single, noisy cough.
Eventually, he looked up, wearily.
"Computer says no," he said.