Little Gallifrey – Chapter Three!
A Little Britain / Doctor Who crossover that has desperately outstayed its welcome
By Nix Nada
Disclaimer – If my apologies were genuine, I wouldn't still be writing them…
Now with added narration by Dame Tom Baker!
Tom: In the quaint welsh village of Gallifrey, renowned black-hole poker, Omega, has stopped in at his local to drown his sorrows. I tried to drown my sorrows once, but they chewed through the bag before I could throw them in the canal…
Omega frowned through the eye-holes of his golden mask as he sat, disconsolate, at the bar.
The barmaid looked up from polishing a glass. "What's up, Omega?" she asked. "You don't half look glum."
Omega sighed. "I'm all right, Myfanwy," he replied, heavily. "It's just not easy being the only Timelord on Gallifrey, you know."
Myfanwy couldn't help letting out a small laugh. "Give over!" she said. "This place is teeming with Timelords!"
"It is not!" retorted Omega, huffily. "If it was, I think I'd know about it! Name one."
"Okay," said Myfanwy, "what about that nice Rassilon boy? He seems lovely – and he's a Timelord. You should ask him out for a drink sometime."
For a moment, Omega was speechless. "Wha-?" he spluttered. "Rassilon? A Timelord? I don't think so, Myfanwy!"
"He is," replied the barmaid. "I saw him in here the other night, banging on about cloister bells and chameleon circuits."
"That doesn't prove he's a Timelord," snorted Omega.
By this time, Myfanwy's patience was wearing thin. "You know what, Omega?" she said. "I wasn't going to tell anyone this, but it's about time you faced the truth." She took a deep breath. "I'm a Timelady."
At this, Omega nearly choked. "You?" he gasped. "You're a time-botherer? A wanderer in the fourth dimension?"
"Yes! We're all bloody Timelords, Omega!" she cried. "Look around you – this is Gallifrey!"
"Well," huffed Omega. "I'm not staying here to listen to this!"
As he made for the door, Myfanwy called out after him. "Now don't you go doing anything stupid, Omega! I mean it," she yelled as he slammed the door shut. "No creating anti-matter universes where you exist by will alone!"
She turned back to polished the glasses.
"Bloody idiot," she muttered. "Good thing I never told him I was gay…"
o o o
Later that day, Omega sat in his anti-matter universe, where he existed by will alone. He looked around at all that he had created and felt content.
"At last," he said to himself, "I am the only Timelord in this entire universe. Now I can – who the bloody hell are you two!"
Two men, one grey haired and hawk nosed, the other short with a pudding-bowl haircut had wandered into the throne room.
"Don't mind us," said the older of the two. "Just a couple of Timelords, passing through. We'll just be on our way."
Omega let out a cry of frustrated anguish.
Tom again: And so we reach the end of our journey around Little Gallifrey. I hope you learned something. I know I did; I learned to never offer to manage a midget basketball team and that saying 'time at the bar' on Gallifrey isn't half as funny as I thought it would be. Good life!
EDIT: Okay, You might have already noticed this, but I've bowed to pressure and added a chapter four. Read on, if you dare!