He'd gone to his room again without a word. An occurrence that was all too common- and all too depressing- in their apartment.
Misato and Shinji's evenings were enjoyable enough. It was certainly better than being entirely alone, Misato thought... However, getting Shinji to engage or open up during a conversation was painful. When they had first met, she was partially resigned to the idea he would probably never change, though she made efforts to make him more outgoing and expressive.
Lately, she found herself increasingly dissatisfied with the awkward silences and lack of communication. If they bothered to talk at all, Misato found she was the eternal unspoken initiator. All the while Shinji gave her next to nothing to work with as far as keeping a conversation alive, often giving Misato simple, one-word responses. Or that awkward little smile of his. She had never met a boy quite like him, so withdrawn and tense, and even seemingly uninterested in sex.
Though that last part was a welcome change- relative to the majority of men- it was no less unusual.
And while Shinji was also agreeable and pleasant, Misato couldn't deny that, even with his company, she often felt lonely.
Another sip of her beer, trying to fill the emptiness inside her. For a fleeting moment, apropos of nothing, she envisioned herself gallivanting to his room and offering him some bodily comfort.
Wanna have some fun, Shinji? Feeling uneasy at this abrupt train of salacious thought, Misato vigorously shook her head, as if physically trying to dispel it.
Who would be the one being comforted? She asked herself bitterly. I'm the one who needs it. Let's be honest, and- why would I even think that? I'm twice his age.
The beer can was upended again. Misato was decidedly wasted, and she found some sort of broken comfort in that. Although she wouldn't characterize her drunkenness as "fun", it helped numb the agony of solitude.
It occurred to her that she hadn't known Shinji an incredibly long time. A few months, perhaps. And even so, she already considered him family. Certainly a friend. But they'd never discussed the exact nature of their relationship, she realized.
What am I to you? She thought miserably, shooting a sideways glance toward his room, where he was likely listening to his Walkman in bed.
Alone.
Again.
Don't you get bored? Don't you want to chase girls around? Fool around with Kensuke and Toji? Visit Rei? Don't you want anything, Shinji?
Unpleasant, disparate fragments from her adolescent years flashed brightly in her mind, like some kind of grotesque slideshow.
Too real, too big, too oppressive.
Her stomach lurched at the suddenness of it, the thoughts being equally as unwelcome as her spontaneous and unasked-for sexual fantasies. The sickness was amplified by the parallels of her trauma and isolation with Shinji's current predicament. She didn't want anyone to feel the way she had felt back then. Least of all someone as kind, sweet, and compassionate as Shinji.
You deserve better. Misato thought to herself, feeling her resolve building. So, I'm going to give you better. She rose from her seat at the kitchen table, took one step, and then froze when she asked herself: What are you planning to do? Misato wavered, both in her drunkenness and her unease at the question she posed to herself. Truthfully, she didn't know, and the thought of that frightened her.
Sighing shakily, she took a detour, doing a complete turn and marching toward the fridge. Two beers were retrieved, and then she beelined to Shinji's room, still feeling uneasy, but emboldened by the drink.
"Knock-knock." Misato announced cheerily, her hands too preoccupied with the beers to physically knock. There was a moment of complete silence, and Misato was worried that maybe Shinji had fallen asleep, or he was too engrossed in his Walkman to hear her, before he responded.
"Yes, Misato?" He asked.
"Could you get the door for me, Shinji? My hands are a little full."
"Oh? Uh, yeah." She heard his sheets shift and his light footsteps on the floor- every action was so cautious and measured- and he slid the door partially open. Only a crack, Misato noticed with mild annoyance.
"Yes?" He asked.
"Shinji, may I please come in?"
"Is everything okay?" It pained Misato to see him so on-edge all the time, likely already assuming her reason for wanting to talk with him implied there was trouble, or that he'd done something wrong.
"Yes, Shinji," she smiled, reassuring him. "Everything's fine. I just want to talk."
"Okay..." Sadly, he still didn't seem pleased with this, avoiding eye contact with her as he slid the door all the way open. Misato's smile faltered at his sullen demeanor, then made her way inside.
"Why don't we sit on your bed?" She suggested, taking a seat on it.
"Sit beside you?" He asked tentatively.
"Well, sure. Is that okay?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Shinji," Misato sighed. "we're friends. You don't have to be so tense."
"Yes, ma- Misato." Shinji caught himself and plopped down beside her.
Misato wouldn't admit it, not even to herself, but there was something she hated about being called "ma'am". Going beyond the age connotations associated with it, Shinji calling her that made her feel...
There was another brief flicker- a snippet, almost as if from a film- of fantasy in her mind, before she could whisk it away. She saw herself comforting Shinji again. Or, more accurately, her own warped brand of what she considered comfort to be, as it related to the male sex.
Knock it off... She scolded herself, not knowing where these fantasies were coming from. Before she could ponder on it much longer, Shinji interrupted her train of thought.
"Why do you have two beers, Misato?" The additional can didn't escape his attention.
"Oh!" She chirped, setting one on the floor, before cracking the other open.
"Just thirsty is all..." Misato chugged and then let out a long, satisfied sigh. The fizz always stung her throat so satisfyingly. Shinji smiled his meek smile as a shorthand for acknowledgement, but said nothing in his oh-so-characteristic way.
"So, Shinji..." Misato began, realizing in a panic that she had gone in with zero game plan. "What do you think of girls?" Seriously? "What do you think of girls"? She asked herself in disbelief. Moron!
Confused by this, Shinji blinked. "I- I like them. Just fine, I suppose..." He was blushing, and looking straight forward, unable to look at Misato at all. "Like, Ayanami. And Ms. Akagi. And... Well, you, of course..." Misato's face flushed, even though she knew he was only speaking in generalities. Answering her, but avoiding the real question.
Running away.
You're great at evading people, Shinji.
"Well, that's great, Shinji, but... What do you... Think about girls? Do you like them? Are you interested in them?"
"Interested in you?" He asked absentmindedly, before panicking at his choice of words. "Interested in me?" Not expecting such an abrupt and direct question, Misato looked like she'd swallowed a lemon.
"No!" Shinji objected. "I mean! I'm not interested in you! I- if you're asking that. I mean, in that way. In the way I think you might be asking." The boy stammered. "Of course I wouldn't be." He said a little more levelly.
Another intrusive thought. Their naked silhouettes kissing in the dark.
Of course he wouldn't be... The voice in her head echoed his statement, but she wasn't upset by this. She felt oddly awe-stricken instead, never having had a conversation like this with Shinji before.
His vehement denial excited something in her.
"I know what you meant, Shinji..." Misato giggled playfully. "I didn't mean about... Me, in particular." She gulped.
Yeah, maybe you didn't mean that initially-
"But, you know. Don't you wanna date? Ask a girl out?" Neck with her? Neck with me, Shinji?
Shut it!
"I-" Shinji wanted to say yes. More depressingly, he also wanted to add how little he deserved it. Why would a girl ever care about a dishonest, spineless coward like him? He wasn't anything physically impressive, either.
He knew no one was interested. But he couldn't just come out and say that to Misato.
So, instead, he offered some pathetic, half-hearted and evasive reply. "N- no. I'm content being alone..." He smiled, but it was easy to see there was nothing behind it.
"Are you?" Misato asked with some concern, not at all believing Shinji. "Are you?" She repeated. Shinji opened his mouth, then shut it again, sighing. He didn't want to lie.
I mustn't run away.
But he didn't want to, or even know how to, tell Misato about any of his true feelings.
He saw his father, in the elevator after the first Angel encounter, looking down at him. Complete disapproving disgust.
Not a word to him.
He didn't want to see that face ever again. Nor did he want to experience that kind of silence, either.
A silence he didn't create himself.
So, Shinji said nothing. Misato's heart sunk when Shinji failed to say anything, but there was also an undercurrent of frantic hope. Hoping that maybe she was breaking new ground, or maybe it was only a delusional prayer. Desperate to close the gap between them.
"You can talk to me." Misato offered with a smile. "No judgment here. Judgment-free zone." Shinji was staring off into space again. She couldn't decide if he was willfully ignoring her, or legitimately lost in thought. In either case, Misato felt an urgency mounting.
"I brought this for you..." Shinji was jolted out of his trance at the sensation of the cold, wet beer pressed against his arm. He looked at her suspiciously.
"I'm not old enough to drink."
"It's okay, Shinji. You can have some."
"I'm only fourteen-"
"I know." Misato cut in sharply. "And I'm your guardian. And I'm telling you it's okay." Her voice was pleasant, but also stern. Shinji wasn't sure why, but he could sense he was treading on thin ice. Still, he was hesitant to accept this gesture, especially from someone he perceived as his guardian. "I can't-"
"Can't what?"
"You know. I'm not old enough-"
"Drink your beer, Shinji." Something in Misato's voice and expression was suddenly cold, and it scared him. It didn't read as something a parent might demand, nor as one of her orders while he was inside the Eva. Shinji wasn't sure he'd ever seen her so coldly detached and indifferent to his objections before, and it frightened him.
Shinji nodded reluctantly, and pulled the tab on the beer. The familiar hiss- from all the times Misato had opened hers- filled the room. Some foam climbed out of the opening, before it settled down. Shinji inched the can to his lips, casting Misato a sideways glance, half-expecting her to tell him it was all just some kind of test. Instead, the coldly clinical and expectant stare remained plastered on her face. A chill ran through him.
He took a swig. It was bitter, and he didn't enjoy the taste whatsoever. He grimaced, but obediently swallowed, then looked at Misato to gauge her response. Hoping to have earned her approval to escape whatever chilling wrath he had incurred.
Finally, she seemed to soften again, satisfied with his compliance.
"Good boy!" She said playfully. "How was it?"
"Awful..." Shinji couldn't help grinning as he wiped his mouth with the back of his forearm. "Yeah. No one's first one is good. Y'get used to it." Misato took her own (considerably larger) sip.
"Misato... Why did you want me to try this?"
"Well... You go through so much of your life just existing, Shinji. I want you to live a little." The truth, but a half-truth.
I want you to let me in. And that's never going to happen if you keep tensing up and shutting me out. Misato thought glumly, a little sickened by her true intentions and omission. But, she figured, the ends would justify the means. She certainly didn't plan on letting him drink too much, or letting him become a lush like she was. But an icebreaker was sorely needed.
"So, go on. Drink some more." Misato beamed. Shinji nodded a little more enthusiastically this time, feeling just the slightest hint of rebelliousness emerging from within, feeling naughtily adult. It still tasted bad- though not as bad as initially- the second time.
"Better, right?" Misato asked, and Shinji agreed. Shinji could feel an odd but comforting warmth brewing in his stomach and radiating throughout his body. It was... Pleasant. Like all of his nerve endings being embraced.
A hug... When was the last time...? He wondered.
Misato's head was also swimming, already several beers deep by this point in the evening. Though she did her best to think back on the evening, the exact number she'd had to drink eluded her. "Feeling anything?" She asked. When Shinji feverishly confirmed he did, his face just ever-so-slightly pink, she giggled.
"God, you're cute..." She laughed, before immediately regretting her choice of words, though she didn't show it outwardly. It wasn't what she said, necessarily, but the intent. Shinji clearly thought she was just being her typical, playful self. But there was a difference, and that difference had Misato panicking internally.
Panicking, but also...
Don't even go there.
"Let's go back to the topic of girls," she said with the faintest hint of a slur in her voice. Shinji agreed, feeling more compliant with alcohol in his gut. "You've never had the urge to..." Misato felt so strangely flustered discussing such innocent topics with him. "You know... Ask a girl out?"
"Like Ayanami?" Shinji whispered, feeling like Rei was the most logical choice, being the closest to his age, and the only girl he'd had any real extended interaction with. The only real romantic interest he could think of.
If she even qualified.
He wasn't convinced she cared much for him, though he also doubted any girls at school would, either.
"Well," Misato fought a strangely jealous instinct deep within herself. "sure, like her. But it doesn't have to exclusively be her. It could be anyone." She offered him a hopeful stare, thinking maybe he'd catch on to what she was implying.
Why would you want that? She chastised herself. Stupid! Not an option!
"Anyone?" Shinji echoed in confusion.
"W- well, yeah. It's not like you only have eyes for Rei, right?" Now it was Misato who found herself stammering and on the back foot.
Shinji took another gulp of alcohol without even being asked, which surprised Misato. While he wanted to tell Misato that she looked nice, even with a bellyful of booze, he couldn't bring himself to do it. He felt the frustrations with his own cowardice welling up.
You can't even compliment a girl? He asked himself, feeling pathetic.
The disdainful glower of his father lingered in his mind.
"Why am I such a coward, Misato?" Was all the boy could think to say. The conversation became something else entirely, without warning.
"Huh?" She blinked.
"And why does my father hate me so much?" He ignored her confused non-response. "Ayanami is either afraid of me, or she hates me, too. And, even you..." Shinji laughed bitterly. "I see that you're not always sure what to make of me. Even now. Especially now." He drank dutifully. Always doing what others asked of him. "Am I doing a good job?" A wry smile darkened his youthful face.
"Shinji..." Misato was regretting her decision to allow him to drink, not realizing he'd be such a lightweight. Also, she wasn't sure why, but she expected he'd be... Happier. With alcohol inside him. It was true she wanted it to be the catalyst for him to open up emotionally, but she was under the impression he'd at least have a pleasant buzz on the way to intoxication. "I wanted you to feel better..." She confessed, feeling like she was shrinking, all at once ashamed of her idea.
"Oh." The cynical smile grew. "So, you gave this to me because it was what you wanted." And she wondered why he was so emotionally unavailable, he thought with a sharp resentment. This isn't even about me. I do what she says. I do whatever anyone demands of me. That's my only worth. There was some disdain brewing within when he looked at her again.
Misato hesitated for a moment, feeling exposed, and a little bit frightened. "My motives may have been at least partially selfish," she agreed. "But I also did it for you. So we could have a conversation for once. A real conversation. I want to know how you feel. But getting through to you is so hard, Shinji." Her voice was a low, wounded whisper. "Maybe I fucked up... But maybe we can have an open conversation, regardless of that." He winced at Misato's curse, but her admission calmed his uneasy nerves, if only for a moment.
"What is it you want me to say?"
"That's just it, Shinji. It's not about what I want you to say. Just a second ago, you got upset with me for making you do things I want you to do, so. What do you want to say? What do you feel deep inside that needs to be said? Get it out. Not for me. For you." Misato nudged closer to him on the bed, but he tried to scoot away.
"Hey-" She reached out her hand, clutching his shoulder. "No running," she asserted. "That's the only rule."
Shinji turned away, scoffing. "That's just it, Misato. I don't even- fucking- I'm sorry. I shouldn't swear. I don't know what it is I even want to say. I pilot the Eva. I follow my father's orders. I listen to Dr. Akagi. I take orders from you. I'm an empty vessel, and all I ever do is what's asked of me. All that's inside me is what anyone else puts in. I don't know what to say because I don't even know what's inside of me. Sometimes, I'm not even convinced I exist at all." His voice was getting hoarse.
As much as it tore Misato up to hear this awful confession, she also felt oddly relieved. Her eyes were starting to sting, but she did her best to reassure and encourage Shinji.
"It sounds to me like you said a lot with that alone. That took a lot of courage to share with me, Shinji. I'm proud of you." She rubbed his shoulder. Shinji tried to flinch away from it, feeling sick. Misato refused to let him go.
"No running," she repeated. "Not from this, and not from me. You're okay."
"I'm not."
"I'm here." She soothed. "Nothing bad's going to happen."
"Something bad is happening!" He protested, feeling like he could retch. "Don't praise me. I haven't done anything to deserve it."
"Stop that, now." Misato's tone was agitated.
"I'm a coward, Misato, and weak. People get hurt because of me-"
"Shinji!" She shouted. "Don't do that to yourself." Shinji chuckled humorlessly, stoking the flame inside her.
"Oh?" He said shakily. "So, I can only say something when you want to hear it?"
"No," she explained, her voice low and commanding. "But I'm not going to listen to you tear yourself down, either. Opening up is one thing. Actively destroying yourself is another. And I care way too much about you to hear you badmouthed. Even if you're the one doing it to yourself." The grip on his shoulder was tight, and Shinji's whole body was tensed against it. He tried one more time to break free, but she wasn't having it. The emotion was overwhelming him, and he didn't want to break in front of her, but it was beginning to look like he didn't have a choice in the matter.
Apt, considering the common thread of his life.
Gendo Ikari was looking down at him.
Silent.
Say something!
Covering his mouth, Shinji sobbed into his palm.
"C'mere..." Misato whispered softly. Shinji resisted, trying to turn away. "No..." She asserted, pulling him into her arms for an embrace. "I love you." Fresh tears slit Misato's cheeks, though she didn't break completely.
Instead of offering any comfort, her declaration of love only wounded Shinji further. He didn't deserve it, he wanted to protest. He was nothing, and no one. A spectator of his own life. A tool, or an instrument, just to be used as others saw fit. Only useful as long as he piloted Eva, or did the chores.
Love?
No one could love him. And yet, in spite of his own opinions of himself, he buried his head firmly in her chest, openly weeping for her. Did you get what you wanted? A small, bitter part of him thought. Are you happy now, Misato?
Misato gingerly kissed the top of his head and stroked his hair. It pained her to acknowledge it, but his hot, ragged breath felt incredible against her chest. And it felt even better when he willingly wrapped his arms around her, once again doing something without being asked to.
"That's it." Misato encouraged quietly, wanting to see more behavior like this. "I'm proud of you, Shinji." She knew any praise would hurt, especially in this vulnerable state he was in, but it was all the more reason he needed to hear it. Distantly, she hoped that maybe this could become something normal for them. They sat like this for several minutes, until Shinji's sobbing slowed. Eventually, he lifted his head from her bosom, looking up at her with his shimmering, red eyes. Only inches away from her.
Tantalizingly close.
The sight of Shinji's tear-streaked, emotionally-battered face broke her heart.
"Oh..." She cooed sadly, cradling his face with her hands. Without a word, she reeled him in and leaned forward, giving him a peck on the cheek. Shinji flinched, but he didn't fight it, which pleased her.
More than anything, in this moment, she wanted to mend the brokenness inside him, and between themselves.
Bodily comfort.
"Did that feel good?" She whispered with a hurt desperation, afraid he'd retreat inside himself at any moment. Or, perhaps even worse, that he'd reject her affection.
Instead, Shinji nodded. The emptiness in Misato gradually ebbed away, something hungry, raw, and desperate taking its place. Something alive.
"It did, didn't it?" She agreed, enjoying that numb void within herself becoming something new. She gave him a look, as if to say "I can do even better," and she was pulling him back in. Only, this time, Misato wasn't going for his cheek, or only a little peck. As much as she tried to temper herself, their mouths clashing was a ravenous, hungry act. Shinji barely had time to register the collision before his lips were parting, and her tongue was invading his mouth.
"Mmm?" Shinji moaned in a growing panic, his body going rigid. Misato sensed this and ran her hand along the back of his head, then jerked him closer, and gave him her own reassuring, approving,
"Mmm..."
His hands shot up to her shoulders, and he started trying to pry away. "No," he whispered raggedly through the kiss, but Misato didn't want to let go. Figuring that all he needed was a little direction and persuasion, and he'd enjoy himself, too. Shinji was a boy, after all, she thought.
Timid or not.
In all the excitement, her mind curiously drifted to how hard her nipples were getting, and she imagined his hot breath in her chest again. Then, the thoughts kept coming, and changing.
Building.
Mounting.
Mounting her, in her mind's eye. Misato openly moaned in drunken lust into the silence of the room, wanting Shinji to hear her, and wanting to entice him.
Take it, she beckoned internally. You can, if you want to. And I think you do.
The trance was broken when Shinji- at last- broke away and lurched to his feet. He stumbled backward and nearly tripped over himself, slamming into the opposite wall of the room against his back. Panting heavily and staring wide-eyed and disbelievingly at Misato.
"S- Shinji!" Misato stammered, a hand over her mouth. All the shame and horror rocketing to the surface, and intensifying when she realized she only felt ashamed because Shinji didn't seem to enjoy her advances. "I'm sorry! Are you hurt? I didn't mean to hurt you." She gulped. Her throat was painfully hot and dry. "I'm drunk," she offered with pleading eyes, as if that justified or excused what she had done.
She knew it didn't.
The boy was mute, merely studying Misato with horrified eyes. Like an animal in a trap, trying to gauge if he was looking at a friend or a foe.
Growing worried she might lose him forever if she didn't speak up, or maybe wanting to win him back if she already had, Misato blurted: "I wanted to make the pain better. To make it go away, if I could. I'm not- I'm bad at... Comforting people. Especially men." Her eyes were misty as her voice wavered.
"You said it felt good," she whispered unevenly. Misato knew she had no right, but it hurt her feelings to have her affections rejected. Especially since she felt like it was one of the rawest- and maybe truest- expressions of herself, despite also loathing herself for showing it to anyone.
Shinji wanted to run, to scream, to move out, or even move away, back to his teacher's home. Quit NERV. Abandon humanity, let the Angels win. Condemn his father. Damn Misato. All of these thoughts flooded his mind, too many thoughts and plans of action, and ideas, intrusive thoughts, undeveloped, vague concepts finally materialized in his mind, so many, too many.
He did nothing.
Instead, still frozen, still staring at his supposed "guardian".
What the hell was that? He repeated to himself, over and over. What the HELL was that? "Maybe I... Wanted you to take my pain away too..." Covering her mouth, Misato sobbed into it, not taking her eyes off of Shinji. "Is that pathetic, Shinji? Do you think less of me for that?" It came out choppily and broken. Though he wanted to say something to console her, Shinji was still in panic mode, and actively disengaging.
Run away, his mind pleaded. Run away, now. And he wanted to, but even so, he stood still. Only breaking his statuesque stillness to run the back of his hand over his mouth, and straightening his posture. Still making a conscious effort to keep himself glued to the wall, as if it would protect him.
"You can hate me, if you want to." A weary smile cut her beautiful, wounded face. "Just, please, please don't run away again. Stay here with me, and talk to me."
"I- I don't hate you." Was all he managed to say after the uncomfortably long, one-sided silence. For another minute or so, the only sound in the room was Misato's crying, which she did her best to stifle, with limited success. Shinji spoke again, "I'm afraid..."
"I am, too." Her voice was a miserable croak. "But, Shinji, isn't it better to be afraid than to be alone?"
How much longer can I stand the sound of her crying? He thought to himself. Too much. Way too much. And what is she talking about?
Misato could plainly see Shinji was lost, despite knowing full well how she felt. Because he often felt the exact same way she did, and she knew that, too.
"I'm lonely so often, Shinji," she sniffed. "I love having you here. But sometimes it's like being alone, because you never say anything, or let me in. Sometimes it hurts more than being alone. If I were by myself, I'd know I have no chance at happiness. But you're here, and it makes me want to try." The bed creaked as Misato rose to her feet. "And trying hurts when I feel like it isn't reciprocated. Or even appreciated... All I know is that it hurts. I know it hurts you, too. Being so isolated. I lived that way, Shinji, for so many years, I'm still living like that now- I don't want that for you." With growing unease, Shinji noticed Misato was closing the gap, trying to get close to him again.
Feeling like he could retch again, he held the back of his hand to his mouth. His throat was so hot and dry. Nothing came, but his stomach was doing somersaults.
Don't come any closer. Shinji begged internally, unable to bring himself to say it aloud. Misato reached out to touch him.
"You can be afraid, if you want to. We can be afraid together. Just don't run." Misato bargained.
"What is it you want from me?" He managed to choke out. Before she could reach him, her hand flinched at the question.
"What do I want?" Unprompted, as they had been so many times that evening, images flashed by in her mind. Washed out in somber purple hues. Like old, strange photographs of things that had never happened.
The two of them sharing a bed. Massaging Shinji's slight, nude torso. Her tongue teasing the flesh on his neck. Something sad and broken in their eyes, but Misato didn't see that.
Not willingly.
Would you be with me, Shinji? The thought seemed to emerge from the ether, almost as if it were a thought from someone else's mind. It was a silly, nonsensical intrusive thought... And yet, it wasn't.
Was she worthy of being loved for who she was, and not just her body?
Or was she just an empty vessel, in constant need of being filled, much like Shinji thought of himself?
Fulfilling the needs of others by forsaking her own. Longing to fill the void within herself, and too often finding it in the sexual embrace of a man. Only for them to pull out, leaving her just as hollow as she was before the sex even began. Maybe even hollower, considering they'd never say what she desperately wanted them to. Underneath it all- and Misato cursed herself for it- she wanted Shinji to give her a chance. Not as a sexual entity, or as a friend, or even a mother. As a woman, a lover, deserving of more than empty, emotionally unfulfilling sex.
I want you to say you love me.
Kaji's easygoing smile.
"Am I not good enough?" Misato finished her thought aloud. Shinji looked at her wide-eyed and quizzically. "I mean- it's nothing." The defenses were rising along with her fear, in spite of what she'd been preaching to Shinji. Putting herself out there was scary, and she suddenly felt ill at the idea of what he might say. "I can leave. I'm sorry for- all of this, Shinji-"
"The kiss-" he interrupted. "Misato, I did like it. I'm just scared. I'm sorry."
"I liked it, too." She admitted hastily, desperately clinging to the tiniest shred of hope any time he was gracious enough to give it to her.
Did you like it because it was dirty, Shinji? Or did you like it because it was me?
Then, almost as if he'd read her mind: "Misato, did you kiss me because you wanted to kiss me? Or did you kiss me because you just," he hesitated. "Didn't want to feel alone?" Though her mouth opened in reply in an instant, she bit her lip, considering what to say next.
"Would you hate me if I said it was a little of each?" Her voice was low. Shinji shook his head, though he did seem at least a little disappointed.
After a moment: "And why did you enjoy it, Shinji?" The question was turned back around on him. "Were you also feeling lonely? Or was it because I was the one kissing you?" Though the line of questioning could be considered loaded, she had no antagonistic edge to her voice.
"Both." Shinji replied flatly and honestly, his lip curling almost imperceptibly at their similar natures.
"Well..." Misato tried to chuckle to dispel some of the tension. As was so characteristic of Shinji, he smiled at her efforts, but it was clearly just a pleasantry for her sake. Misato's expression relaxed, and she found her focus drifting to Shinji's hand. Wordlessly, she took it in hers, weaving their fingers together. Shinji looked up at her, not sure what to make of the gesture.
"Is this okay?" A blush broke out across her face, feeling so pure. There was something about being intimate with Shinji in particular that made her shy. Shy in a way she hadn't felt in several years.
With any other guy, with Kaji, she could be as vulgar or filthy as she pleased without a second thought. Cursing and drinking to excess wasn't only easy, but fun. Sex was no big deal, and flirting was as natural as breathing. But, when she wasn't being a tease, or intentionally trying to fluster Shinji, she often found she was the flustered one. He gave her a renewed sense of what it meant to be a woman, and not just some repository for sexual gratification.
I want you to ask... But I know you won't. It's not even fair of me to want you to, but I want you to ask me, Shinji.
"I'm not sure what you mean. But, I like holding your hand. Misato."
"You like holding my hand?" Her heart fluttered, not expecting such a powerful reaction to something so simple and innocuous. It occurred to her that something as small as this was something she'd never done with a man. At least, not without it being accompanied by, a precursor to, or an afterthought of, sex.
"Mm." Nodding affirmatively, he looked into her eyes.
I want you to ask.
"We could do this more often." It came out before she could cage it, and instead of asking Shinji to ask her what she really wanted to hear.
"Would... That mean...?" She could see he was finally getting it, and her heart leapt.
"I'd like to try." Going wide-eyed and slack-jawed in shock, Shinji tried to temper himself. He must have misinterpreted something.
"Us? Together?"
"I'd like to try." Misato repeated with a growing, mischievous grin. "I thought you'd never ask." She added, before realizing he hadn't just yet agreed. But her fears he would decline were quickly dispelled: "I would, too." The boy managed to choke out.
"Okay." Misato declared proudly and sighed in relief. "So, it's agreed, then... Aren't you going to kiss me?" She joked. To his credit, Shinji very gamely attempted to lean in and give her what she asked for, but he hesitated, not at all accustomed to initiating. Misato found this trait of his endearing rather than frustrating now that they had agreed to try something, but it did make her worry about the road ahead. Not that she'd let it spoil the moment.
Instead, she leaned down and planted a gentle, nurturing kiss on his lips. Misato pulled away, but only a few inches. "Well, Shinji Ikari..." She whispered and the grin returned, a glint of something wild in her eye.
Shinji had lived in this room for several months now, and he'd also known Misato just as long. But, in his drunken, dreamlike stupor, the visage of the woman just inches from his face and the room encompassing them, and even his own feelings, were wholly
Unfamiliar.
Misato rested her forearms on his shoulders, linking her hands behind his neck.
"No more running..."