Misato woke the following morning to blinding, ripping lightning and roaring thunder. The weather outside was fine. It was a sunny, beautiful, and picturesque morning, in fact. The hangover, however, assaulted the landscape of her mind.
Not to mention the conflicted feelings and immensely turbulent moral and ethical dilemmas she now faced.
Stupid... Was the very first, and only thing she could think through the dense and horrible fog of the hangover. It echoed unnerving clearly in her sober and battered brain, no alcohol to dampen it. Clutching her head, she rolled over on her futon. Away from the oppressively bright sunlight shining into her bedroom.
She wasn't such a lush that she'd get blackout drunk. The previous night was still fresh and vivid to her. Was drinking to excess to the point of having no memory of what you'd done even real? She idly wondered. She'd passed out before, sure, but to have no memory of something seemed farfetched to her. Even Misato didn't consider herself that far gone.
Stupid! The voice repeated, as if trying to get her attention and away from her meaningless musings. Her brain was simultaneously too vividly clear with sobriety, and frustratingly hazy from the hangover. More than anything, she wanted a drink to nurse her aching head, but she was quickly convinced that maybe drinking wasn't the best idea, considering what it had led her to do the previous night.
What'd I do? She asked herself, knowing full well. Not a single detail lost, much to her regret.
As if ignorance would somehow absolve her of her actions.
And what do I do now? She wondered miserably, not wanting to face Shinji at all. After all, it wasn't like they could really date each other. What were they supposed to do? Hide their relationship from everyone? And what if things didn't work out? She risked alienating Shinji even further from her. It was entirely possible he'd abandon her completely if he experienced this kind of rejection.
Not to mention the legal and moral dilemmas. Shinji didn't seem the type to snitch on her, but Misato couldn't block the thought of being escorted from her apartment by NERV agents in handcuffs from springing to the forefront of her mind.
"Ugh..." Misato croaked into her pillow, drooling on it. Still half-asleep with lightning crackling inside her head. "Fuck..." At the very least, she thanked whatever god was gracious enough to give her the day off at NERV, and pathetically hoisted herself up on her futon. Resting for a moment on her knees and ass with her hands between her thighs, fighting the waves of nausea that threatened to make her vomit up the grand total of nothing she had in her stomach.
"Time's it?" The woman blearily muttered to herself, glancing at the digital clock. It was well past 9 AM. For a moment, she thought Shinji might be in school, and that eased her nerves, if only temporarily, as she thought she'd have a little time to nurse her hangover and figure out what it was she wanted to say. Then, she grimly remembered that it was the weekend, and that her blessing of not having to work also meant Shinji would be home.
"Aw, fuck..." Her heart hammered throughout her entire body. Every vein feeling like it'd rupture.
It's not that I don't like you, she began mentally rehearsing. Any girl would be- no. Stupid. Stupid!... Shinji, I need to work on myself before I can- commit- Fuck-
Honesty was the best policy.
I'm twenty-nine. You're fourteen. I was drunk. I made a mistake. This is fucked. I'm a manipulative, selfish coward- I'm sounding way too much like Shinji now. That's no good. She sighed. It occurred to her that maybe she could pretend to sleep. Buy herself some more time, and consider her next move. Feeling her anxiety starting to overwhelm her, she the thoughts started to frantically build.
You can understand, can't you? Misato begged internally. Grownups can make mistakes, too. It's not that I don't love you. I do. I want it to work, but, Shinji- In her mind's eye, all she could see was his disdainful stare, before he turned his back on her for the rest of her life. Hot flashes accompanied the waves of nausea.
Breaking things off with Shinji was necessary, and unavoidable. The logical conclusion. It was doomed to fail even before she planted the idea is his head.
However, if Shinji leaving her entirely alone was a potential consequence, Misato didn't know how she'd make herself go through with it. If he left her all by herself, she'd probably go insane. Maybe worse, she'd start looking for hollow companionship in the form of one-night stands again.
You can't do that to me. Please... She needed some coffee, knowing she'd only continue to feel shittier the longer she lay in bed.
Physically and emotionally.
Shambling out into the hall like a zombie, she cautiously surveyed her surroundings, trying to gauge where Shinji was, and fearing their inevitable interaction. The smell of eggs flooded her nostrils. It was faint, meaning-
Misato rounded the corner to the kitchen. She was right. Shinji wasn't cooking, but he was seated at the kitchen table and eating something he'd made.
"Oh! Misato!" His expression was immediately more alert. "Good morning." He said.
This isn't going to work, Shinji. Last night was a mistake, and we should both just forget it. That's what she had to say.
"Good morning." Misato warmly returned the gesture.
"I made some eggs, if you'd like some. They should still be pretty warm. And there's some toast on the counter."
"Thank you, Shinji..." Misato offered a half-hearted, appreciative smile as she shuffled over to the counter to grab some toast. He neglected to mention he'd put coffee on, but Misato was grateful it was there.
Just say it, the voice in her head urged. Are you just going to ignore it? What? You think he's forgotten? Think about someone other than yourself just this one time. Once her glass was poured and the toast was retrieved, Misato took a seat at the table across from Shinji. Though the toast was good, she ate it sadly, feeling horrible, inside and out.
She had utterly betrayed Shinji, and used him much the same way she used Kaji, or any other man she had sex with. Or, conversely, the way those men had used her. The only difference was that Shinji hadn't even gotten the benefit of fucking her... If such a sad thing could be called a benefit, Misato thought morosely. At this point, she was flattering herself. To be her age, and still not married... She was nothing more than a husk. Probably not even good for a lay anymore.
The self-loathing and regret were in full bloom.
Then, Shinji, being the sweetheart he was, went out of his way to make her breakfast. It was true that this was something Shinji would do on any given day regardless, but it made Misato no less depressed.
"Not feeling well?" Shinji's timid voice squeaked after swallowing a mouthful of food. Misato realized she'd been staring at him the entire time with her unfocused, glassy eyes. She imagined she probably had unsightly bags under them, too.
Super attractive. I bet he thinks that's real hot.
"Hungover..." Misato mumbled. Shinji bowed his head to signal he understood, but he wanted to say- and ask- much more. However, finding the guts to do it was exceedingly difficult. Especially without the liquid courage Misato had fed him the previous night. His mouth worked for a second, and Misato's head perked up, but nothing came out.
Yeah... Misato thought, relaxing, although some part of her was disappointed. As to why, she wasn't sure. I don't know what to do, either. Please, please don't hate me.
"You feel okay after that beer last night?" After several moments, Misato broke the uncomfortable silence between them with the question, not sure what she was expecting to hear, or where she was going with this.
"Yeah..." He offered quietly. It was obvious he wanted to say something else, something more, but Misato bleakly understood everything that was happening now was on her terms.
She was, quite literally, the adult in the situation. His commanding officer. His guardian. The power dynamic was completely in her favor on every conceivable level. And that terrible, lingering realization she had completely demolished everything in a moment of weakness destroyed her.
Her credibility as a figure of authority, and a parental substitute, was irreparably shot, and even if they somehow managed to move past this, it could never be fully undone. Even if Shinji still loved and respected her after the previous night, and even if he stood by her after this was over, everything had been gutted and destroyed.
I've completely fucking failed you, Shinji. I love you. Please, please forgive me... Misato rested her forehead in her palm and let out a pained breath. Although this worried Shinji, he simply chalked it up to the hangover being especially brutal.
What now, genius? Punish Shinji for the one time he opened up? Misato bit her lip. Dangle something shiny in front of him, give him a little bit of hope, then dash it away? If you hadn't already lost him, you sure as shit will after this. She trembled.
"Good, that's good..." Misato replied to Shinji robotically after a few moments, in complete autopilot as everything continued to fall apart inside of her. She had wanted to brighten Shinji's life somehow, to comfort him and let him spill his issues and grievances he had, to console him and help him vent. That's all she had been trying to do. Her intentions were good when she brought him that beer.
Bullshit. You went in there because YOU wanted to feel better. Don't act so fucking noble. You took advantage of a child.
"No more running..." Was what she'd said to him. Well, what the fuck was she doing last night? She was running, too. Only, she didn't run away from Shinji. She ran right to him. Right into his arms, and even into his bed. They didn't have sex- maybe the one thing she was vaguely proud of herself for- but not for lack of trying. She was fully ready and committed to give it to Shinji, if he'd asked for it.
Kaji and Ritsuko's disapproving and disgusted faces appeared in her mind. You've sunk that low, Katsuragi? Wanting it from a child? They asked without speaking.
As if either of you would understand what he means to me! She objected desperately.
Blind, white panic set it.
Misato shot up from her seat, her head still pounding. A low, agonized grunt escaped her. "Misato?" Shinji asked urgently. "Are you okay?"
"Sick..." The word was gagged more than it was said, then she was hurrying to the bathroom. Misato knelt over the toilet, heaving a few times. Nothing came, not that there was much to vomit up anyway.
She'd noticed that Shinji followed behind her, and she wished he hadn't. He was keeping his distance, standing just outside the open doorway, which she found some kind of darkly humorous symbolism in, but she didn't want him near her at all right now. Everything felt absolutely disgusting and wrong.
She felt disgusting.
Furthermore, she didn't want Shinji looking at her, for his own sake.
Why would he want to date a wreck like herself? A sweet, kind, and respectful boy like him belonged with a well-adjusted girl. Not a dried-out, used-up old vulgar and repulsive husk like herself. "Can I get you anything?"
A gun. Misato thought grimly.
"No, Shinji... I'm'm'kay..." Gathering herself, she kept the back of her forearm glued to her mouth.
What do I say? It occurred to her that maybe she really could avoid bringing up the relationship indefinitely. After all, Shinji lacked the courage or initiative to do much of anything on his own, and he'd probably never try to broach the subject. Even piloting the Eva was something he did only at the behest of others. She could keep quiet, and he'd never bring it up.
Only...
"No more running..." The mantra, so similar to Shinji's own, kept popping into her head. She wasn't any better if she was dishonest with him, or if she avoided the topic. Not to mention it would cause other issues, namely Shinji becoming even more of a recluse if she failed to address it and gave him false hope the one time he poured his heart out.
The deep, black, primal fear that she would lose Shinji forever was growing. He was already so awful with perceived rejection. Misato could only imagine what the aftermath might be if she broke up with him less than twenty-four hours after agreeing to date him.
"Misato." Shinji interrupted her train of thought.
"Mm?" She looked at him attentively, still feeling distracted, but losing her place.
"About last night..." He began.
Oh, no-
"It's- probably not a good idea for... Us to be together." His expression was strained.
"Huh?" Misato's mouth was agape.
"What I mean is," he went on. "You were drunk. I was drunk. Things are just- easier. If we don't go through with it."
Easier.
That explained it.
Nothing he said was illogical, or even remotely unreasonable. In fact, that was exactly what Misato wanted. Everything worked out if Shinji was the one to break it off, right? Everyone walks away happy, and no one's feelings are hurt. Life would carry on as it had before.
Lies.
Liar! Fucking liar!
A hotly intense and abrupt indignation swelled at this proposal. She wasn't immediately certain if it was just because Shinji was always opting to do whatever was easiest in his life, or because he rejected her before she could let him down. Or maybe it was that pathetic insinuation of his that loneliness was something simple to deal with. In the end, the reasons didn't matter.
Fury boiled to the surface, overruling any sadness or fear she may have felt toward the prospect of any other man rejecting her like Shinji was trying to.
"For you." Misato said with a precipitous hostility that even she didn't expect. There was no forethought or consideration to what she was saying. "Easier for you. None of this is easy, being alone isn't easy. This? Easy? Not for me, it isn't. Get real." She hissed.
This was what you wanted, right? A small voice asked with some concern from within, nearly drowned out by the fire burning inside.
It wasn't.
It wasn't at all what she really wanted. What she really wanted was to taste him again. That dirty kiss of theirs sticking out in her mind. She wanted that hot breath in her chest again, and for him to look warmly on her with those soft eyes of his. She wanted him to treat her tenderly, and like her feelings mattered, too. She wanted to hear him reciprocate her love. She wanted him to say those elusive fucking words no man ever bothered to utter, no matter how horribly she debased herself, all so they could get off.
The last thing she wanted was for him to clam up and run from her for the millionth time.
Now, those same rueful, judgmental glares of her friends inspired a deep, burning resentment instead of any kind of shame. It reminded her of maliciously defying her father while she had sex with Kaji.
Yeah, that's right. She imagined herself grinning spitefully at Kaji and Ritsuko, and even her father. Her legs spread so familiarly. Shinji thrusting into her. He's my boyfriend. He does it to me, and not only do I let him do it: I enjoy it.
"I'm sorry, ma'am-"
"Oh, fuck off. No, we're not going there. What happened to not running away, Shinji? Didn't we agree?" It occurred to her that he technically never did agree, but she didn't intend to backpedal at any point now that she was so thoroughly pissed. The extreme hangover doing no favors as far as improving her mood.
Shinji turned his head, pretending to study something in the hallway.
Misato smiled derisively. "We can't even go one night without everything falling apart, can we? Fuck, we're broken, Shinji."
"I- I guess so." He hesitantly agreed, not wanting to upset her further. And failing miserably at it.
"Stop being so agreeable. And quit being such a coward. You want to give up just because it'd be easier? Even you don't believe that. You know what comes after a breakup, Shinji? I do. I've done it plenty of times. All that's waiting for us is even deeper misery and loneliness. Hollowness and numbness follow. The absence of life itself follows. Pitch-fucking-black. You think you're doing something noble in the moment, or that you're sparing yourself pain. Then the moment fucking ends, and life goes on. Painfully." He flinched. Misato was fully embroiled in rage, though it wasn't strictly Shinji that incited her anger.
It was the frustration over everything in her life reaching a tipping point. Sick to death of being judged, and already fearing what other people would do if they knew about them. Disgusted by the thought of drifting through even one more day simply numbly existing, without so much as a speck of light to give her any hope for the future. Frustrated with her own cowardice, which was a dark reflection of Shinji's own.
Fuck that.
She didn't want to submit to it, even if Shinji seemed perfectly willing to concede.
The idea he'd so willingly lie both to her and himself just to shield his heart was maddening. The idea he'd willingly hurt her to spare himself the pain he was eagerly subjecting her to was even worse.
Perhaps, most of all, Misato was set off by the idea of being rejected by a man yet again, but for a different reason.
No, she thought. It's the same fucking reason. It's cowardice all the way down. Kaji acts cool, but he ran, too. Don't you run away, Shinji.
"Do you care about me?" She asked.
"Huh? Of course I do."
"Then how long are you going to insist on running away, Shinji?" Misato shakily rose.
"I'm not-"
"Bull-fucking-shit," she seethed. "Don't lie to me. You think I can't see it? That I don't understand? That it doesn't hurt? It does, Shinji. If you're saying you want this to be over, you're not only lying to me, you're lying to yourself. Weren't you the one complaining just last night that you were a coward? Was that all just talk?" Caring so much about what others thought was exhausting, and Misato was over it.
Yes, it was true she understood there was far more to the situation than just the judgment of her peers. There were issues of morality and unfair power dynamics involved. And it didn't escape her that the entire ordeal could be easily construed as abusive and manipulative.
Even so, it disheartened and angered Misato to no end that the one time she had something good in her life, she either had to live in fear, with the knowledge she was actively abusing Shinji and could be caught, or she'd have to resign herself to being alone, likely forever.
And Shinji would pay for it either way.
Why not get some happiness out of it in the process?
"I- I don't want either of us to end up hurt," he feebly tried to justify his weakness. This weakness of his did nothing to quell the inferno inside her.
"You don't want either of us to end up hurt? Shinji, do you think you're sparing yourself hurt by shutting people out before you can even get close to them?" She sighed. "I get it. You're anxious. You feel like it's too much, well... So do I. There's a lot at stake. If anyone were to find out, I'd be in a lot of trouble... Considering you're an Eva pilot, I'm... Not even sure what they'd do to me..." She admitted with a dry smile.
"All the more reason-"
"No," she snapped, immediately knowing where he was going with that train of thought. "I understood the risks, even while I was wasted. I have reservations, even now,"
Understatement.
"but, I want to try. I think you deserve it- we deserve some kind of happiness and pleasantness in our lives. Don't you think so, Shinji?"
"Of course, Misato." Shinji agreed. "I do think you deserve to be-"
"Not just me." She cut in again, matter-of-factly. "Don't omit yourself like that. We deserve happiness. That means you, too." She insisted.
"Yeah..." Shinji offered noncommittally. Her face fell, but she did her best to temper herself. Sometimes, Shinji... She thought. I want to wring that passive neck of yours, just to see if you resist.
"Can you get me an aspirin?" She whispered, before adding: "Oh, and don't worry. Alternatively, don't go thinking you got off easy. We're not finished with our little conversation." "Yes, Misato." He'd begun walking away before he'd finished saying it, and she heard him rummaging through a cupboard while she leaned onto the toilet, feeling lightheaded and nauseated.
It felt like she could visualize an entire map of all the veins in her skull, every single one feeling full to bursting.
"Here you go..." Shinji broke the trance, offering her a pill and some water.
"Thanks..." Popping the pill, she greedily drank the water, her arid tongue soaking it up like a sponge, and her throat doing the same.
"I don't think you really want to leave me." She continued with a mutter. Some water escaped the corner of her mouth.
"No..." Shinji agreed.
"Can't you give me anything more than one or two word phrases? Shinji, talk to me again," she begged.
"I'm sorry, I'll try to do better. You're... Right. I do want us to try..."
"But?" She coaxed.
"But I'm afraid."
"Good boy..." She praised, but neither her expression nor tone was reflective of that. Still miserable in her sickness, her eyes vacant and pained. "Never be afraid to tell me how you feel." Misato went on.
Yeah, like you're so honest with him. She chided herself. You were gunning to dump him, then you reel him back in when you sense he's the one trying to get away. Hot and cold. Desperate bitch. Why don't you take him to bed right now and destroy any sense of self-worth you still have left-
"I probably will be afraid for a long time..." He smiled. "But, I'll try to be honest with you in spite of that fear... Misato, wouldn't you be happier with someone... Older?"
Older.
It echoed internally. Though she didn't think about it terribly often, whenever she did, the thought of getting older terrified her.
Especially as it related to finding a partner.
She was twenty-nine now, which was depressingly close to thirty. The death-knell for a woman. And, really, how close was thirty to forty? And forty to fifty? And fifty to dying alone?
When Shinji is my age... I'll be forty-four. Her stomach knotted up and she retched, though nothing came.
"Misato?" Shinji asked, concerned.
"M'okay..." She offered pathetically.
Why couldn't I have been younger? She lamented. Rei popped into her head, though she didn't acknowledge the girl in any way beyond that.
"And, no, Shinji. I wouldn't be happier with someone older." Kaji was just on the cusp of her mind's eye, but she didn't want acknowledge him.
Screw you...
"Been there. Done that. I'd like a guy who's nice to me for a change," she whimpered the last part out before collecting herself as best she could. "Like you..." She looked at him instead of directly into the toilet and offered a weary smile.
"Misato..." Shinji didn't know how to comfort her, completely out of his depth. The boy trepidatiously knelt beside her. He put a hand on her back, gently rubbing it.
"Don't run," she panted, fighting the urge to puke up her insides. "I know you're scared. Just don't run..."
"I won't." He said as firmly as a stunted, emotionally-damaged boy like him could. "I want to make you happy."
"And you want to be happy..." She urged. "Don't just do this for my sake. Do you think I can make you happy, Shinji?" The truth was, he wasn't sure... But he also knew he didn't want to be alone again. Misato could sense his uncertainty, and it frustrated and hurt her that he didn't seem as committed as she was, but she also understood that he was far less experienced than she was, and that she was catatonic at his age.
It was unfair to expect so much of him so soon...
"I love you." It took Misato several seconds to process those words coming from Shinji, of all people. Her sickness cleared in brilliant flash of light, her head shooting up and her eyes going wide.
"W- what?" It came out in a needy, frantic whisper.
"I do..." He admitted, blushing. "I don't know if we'll be able to give each other exactly what we need, but. I want to try, because I do." Misato had butterflies in her stomach.
""You do" what?" She asked, mesmerized and urgently wanting to hear his declaration again.
"I do... love you?"
"Say it like you mean it. Please?"
"I love you." He blushed. Misato returned it with wide, misty eyes. It was the first time Shinji had seen her face so utterly awe-stricken and innocent. She almost looked like an entirely different person.
"And," he added. "You look beautiful, Misato. I always thought so." He paid her the compliment he couldn't give her the previous night. Her lip quivered.
"You're not just... Teasing me?"
"Teasing you?" He asked, confused. "Why would I?"
Shinji had no idea.
So many men in Misato's life never even bothered, or even thought to bother, to say those words to her at all. Or, they'd only vaguely allude to them. As if they were some kind of prize she had to earn. Even when she was given "love", it felt contingent on her worth as a sexual entity, or it was strictly conditional and dependent on her earning it through other means. An ever-present What have you done for me lately? underpinned every affectionate action. There was always another hoop for her to jump through so she could get a measly scrap of insincere affection from those manipulative, horny ghouls.
Though Misato didn't think about it often, she realized there was often an undercurrent of resentment, hating that she almost had to perform sexual circus tricks just to be told she was worthy of basic human warmth and kindness.
And it struck her that this hateful emotion simply didn't exist in reference to Shinji. While he was prone to running away, she didn't doubt that he loved her. Furthermore, she didn't feel he loved her strictly for her body, which was something she'd never experienced before.
He loves me better than any of you ever did. She was talking to Kaji, her father, and all the flirtatious flakes again. Only this time, there was no bitterness. Just a growing, horrible depression. Don't cry- It came too late. A sharp hitch of her breath, and she was turning from Shinji. "Misato." He rested a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
"I'm okay." She tried to collect herself, but her wavering voice suggested otherwise. "You're just... Shinji, I'm so glad I have you. All the other men in my life made me feel so fucking disgusting. Not you. I actually-" Her breath caught. "Feel beautiful with you. You're not like almost every other guy, Shinji. Don't ever forget that."
"I'll- try, Misato." Her hand found his, still on her shoulder, and rested on it.
"We both have to try," she both affirmed and shifted the subject. "If we want this to work, and I do. You do, too, right? Shinji?"
"Mm." He nodded reassuringly. He could tell this didn't quite satisfy her, and added more before she said so: "I want this to work, Misato. And I'm not just saying that for your sake, or to please you. I promise." She smiled, kissing the back of his hand.
"Thank you, Shinji. I love you." She blushed.
Shit, it's too soon to be saying that, isn't it? But he just said he loved me. And- what am I thinking? Of course it's okay. It's only the ravenous, hungry dogs you need to be careful around...
Her body slackened and leaned against Shinji, her head on his shoulder.
"W- what are you doing, Misato?" The nervous squeak in his voice made her giggle.
"I don't know, Shinji. Probably something dangerous. Exciting, isn't it?" What followed was an alien sound that took her a moment to identify: Shinji returning her laughter.
"Well, I certainly like it more than fighting Angels." Misato hooked a hand around Shinji's neck, and pulled him closer. Planting a few gentle kisses there. He immediately tensed up, and she found that cute, too.
"Don't go getting cold feet," she whispered huskily. "C'mon, hon. Is it so odd for your girlfriend to show you some affection?" Shinji had never been called "hon" before. He liked it.
"Odd? No. Just- feels really-"
"Good?" Grinning, Misato finished the boy's sentence.
"Extremely." He confirmed.
"Mmm," she laughed. "Well, get used to it. You've got a doting girlfriend now, Shinji."
For how long? A voice inside her asked.