"C'mon, Shinji. I'm not asking for a miracle here. Just move your body a little." Misato urged enthusiastically, gyrating her hips. A song was playing on the stereo, but Shinji had no idea what it was. Something light and poppy, and the lyrics sounded like they were in English. It was a CD Misato owned, so it was clearly something she enjoyed, but Shinji didn't particularly care for it.
Furthermore, there was absolutely no way he'd ever make himself dance. No matter how much alcohol she fed him.
Speaking of which, it worried Shinji that Misato might hurt herself dancing around with so much alcohol in her system. She'd been drinking beer most of the day after their heart-to-heart that morning, and suggested they have a "date" once evening approached. Shinji thought she might want to go out, but she insisted that was too formal.
Maybe, Shinji speculated, that just meant she was too drunk to drive.
There were two wine glasses on the living room table. Misato broke it out to celebrate their new relationship. While Shinji had barely touched his yet, Misato was already a glass deep on top of the several beers she'd already drunk.
"I'm not much of a dancer..." Shinji said meekly. Though, he could at least quietly admit to himself that watching Misato shake her hips and twirl was incredibly captivating- and maybe even a little arousing. She wore her usual yellow top and jean short-shorts, her hair up in a ponytail that swayed with her exaggerated movements. There was something plainly seductive in Misato's stare, but even that couldn't convince Shinji to join her.
"Who is?" Misato asked with a teasing snicker. "It's not like I'm some pro." She sashayed over to Shinji, moving her body to the beat. While she was entrancing, Shinji also didn't cope well in situations like these. He blushed at her exaggerated movements, feeling embarrassed for her, in spite of the blatant evidence right in front of him that she was comfortable and clearly enjoying herself. The fact he couldn't imagine himself doing the same thing was what flustered him, and her attempts to rope him into trying filled his stomach with butterflies.
"C'mon..." She took one of his hands, and then the other, trying to move him to the rhythm of the song, but his body stood rock solid. "No one's watching, and it's not like I'm going to judge you. After all, you've seen how I dance. And besides..." She grinned flirtatiously. "I wanna see that cute ass of yours move a little." Shinji grimaced, unable to even look at her, but he reluctantly began bobbing along to the song, mirroring Misato's movements, albeit restrictedly. If he was going to stay true to his word and put effort into this relationship, that unfortunately probably included participating in nonsense like this, he figured.
"This is so-"
"Fun?" Misato's eyes were bright.
"Mortifying..."
"You're so cute when you're pouty." Before he could process that comment, Misato drew him close, putting a supportive arm around his waist. Her opposite hand still holding his, which she extended out to their sides. The sly grin grew wider, her head craning over his. He looked at her with an astonished blush, which reddened deeper when Misato's breasts pressed firmly up against his flat chest.
"Bet you think it's a lot more exciting now, don't you, Shinji?" She winked. Shinji gulped. Misato then resumed gyrating her hips teasingly, her pelvis grinding against his, imploring Shinji to follow suit.
"M- Misato!" Shinji yelped. Misato didn't say anything, instead simply laughing at his chagrin.
The stimulation on his crotch felt better than he'd ever admit, and though he did find Misato incredibly easy on the eyes, he wasn't sure he was ready for anything quite this intense just yet in their fledgling relationship. To say nothing of his complete and utter lack of sexual experience.
Misato sensed his growing unease and mercifully backed off, but continued to hold and lead him. While she had him in her clutches, Shinji figured it was better not to resist as she led him around the room, twirling, pivoting, and bowing at random. Thinking maybe it'd spare him more dry humping, though the sensation wasn't entirely unpleasant.
Which was fact he'd keep to himself.
He mechanically followed her lead, and Misato sensed that he wasn't dancing so much as he was allowing her to manipulate his body, but otherwise was content he was playing along.
"Just relax and let me lead..." She insisted, her expression ever-playful. Shinji nodded, surrendering himself to her movements completely. Misato ran her hand up to the small of Shinji's back, making it arch. Their pelvises touched again and she laughed.
"Shinji! So dirty!"
"Misato, stop that!"
"Sorry, my precious flower." She laughed huskily. Their breath was shallow and wanting as they moved, finally falling into some kind of synchronized rhythm. The less Shinji focused on dancing, and the more he focused on Misato, the more he started to enjoy himself. With a slight hesitation, he allowed a hand to wrap around her waist. In all the commotion, he grazed Misato's butt. Her face went red and she cast him a knowing and playful glare.
"I- I didn't mean-" He stuttered.
"Sure." Misato teased. "I'm not that naive Shinji. I know what guys like." She huffed, exhausted from the dancing. A small bead of sweat glimmered on her forehead. "And since when did you get so bold?"
"It really was an accident!" The boy insisted. "But... I must have a good teacher..." He smiled, and she returned it.
"You must," she agreed. "Y'know... There's lots of stuff I can teach you, Shinji." A waggle of her eyebrows.
"L -like what?" Misato was still leading, but Shinji had taken some of his own initiative, not merely being guided anymore and participating in the dance.
"Oh... I dunno..." Misato feigned ignorance, one of her slender hands drifting to Shinji's butt and groped it. Then, she imitated his voice and playfully echoed: "I- I didn't mean-" Shinji's face flushed beet red.
"Misato! That's not funny. It really was an accident!"
"Mmm... I believe you," she admitted. "But only because it's you, my sweet and innocent Shinji. I, on the other hand, totally meant to do that. I did say you've got a cute butt, after all..." Her breath smelled strongly of alcohol, but Shinji didn't mind. In fact, he found something strangely comforting about it.
Maybe it was as simple as familiarity.
"Thank you." Was all he could think to say, never having been complimented on his butt before. Misato cackled.
"You're so polite, Shinji. A girl compliments and gropes your ass, and you thank her like she complimented your shirt."
"W- well, yeah... Is that odd?"
"Odd? Sorta. Adorable? Also, yes. C'mon..." She led him over to the table where their glasses sat. "You've barely touched your drink." Misato commented, stumbling as they walked.
"You've barely avoided touching yours." Shinji replied with a good-natured snark that made Misato smirk despite herself.
"Jerk... Anyway, why not have some more?" She held the glass out to him excitedly. Shinji only stared a moment at it, and then at Misato. Since their talk earlier, he was feeling bolder and more willing to question her.
"What are you trying to butter me up for?" He asked curiously. This caught the woman off guard.
"Butter you up? Shinji, we're just having fun," she pouted.
"Well, yeah- I guess I just don't necessarily need to drink to do it. I'm already having fun, Misato." Misato sighed, a hand on her hip.
"You're having fun, sure. But you're doing it like you've got a stick up your ass. That's what the ol' liquid courage is for," she explained. "Besides, I already opened the wine. It's too late now, Shinji. We have to drink it." She feigned terror and held her hand to her mouth. Shinji rolled his eyes, and fought a smile.
"Oh, brother." He took the glass and sipped, and then added between another: "I'm not like you, y'know. I'm already kind of tipsy."
"From half a glass of wine?" Misato's mouth was agape, hardly believing he was such a pushover. Then again, it was Shinji they were talking about. "And- hey, "like you"? What's that supposed to mean?" Only after his comment registered did she find offense.
"Er- " Suddenly he was all too eager to drink, merrily gulping down more booze. "Mmm!" He gave an approving hum as he drank. Misato shot him daggers, but soon relented.
"Y'know, when you aren't being sulky, you're an awful smartass." Misato plopped down on the floor beside the table and started topping off her glass.
"You sure that's a good idea? You've had a lot already." He said.
"Oh, hush, my overbearing Shinji... Also, why not take a seat?" She suggested, gesturing to the open space beside her.
The boy nodded, wobbling unsteadily to the floor until she added: "Not over there, silly. Come sit over here. Right next to your girlfriend." She smiled. Shinji looked a little uneasy, but nodded again and scooted closer to her.
"More!" Came her playful, drunken command, her glass finally filled. When Shinji complied, she demanded again: "Even more!"
"Misato, I'm going to be pressing up-" A slender hand snatched his shirt and yanked his body against hers.
"Right against me?" She wrapped her arm around his back and held him close, and guzzled more wine. "Oooh, I know, Shinji! We're so naughty! Bet'cha never had a girl hold y'like this before." She slurred.
"No..." Shinji admitted quietly. So quietly that Misato's stomach dropped. A self-conscious wave washed over her.
"Sorry..." She apologized, embarrassment managed to rear its head even through the bog of her drunkenness. "I get sort of obnoxious when I drink... Not that you didn't already know."
"No, it's okay." Shinji reassured her. "It's just that everything's new. Even this. You're right." Misato modestly sipped her wine, resting her head on his.
"Have there been any girls before me?" She asked quietly. Shinji was ashamed even admitting to himself that there never had been, but he thought maybe the knowledge there never had would satisfy Misato.
"No, not even one."
"But you've messed around?"
""Messed around"?" Shinji repeated like he didn't know what she meant, but he fully understood.
It was a topic he didn't want to broach.
"Oh, don't play dumb. I know you're..." Misato struggled to think of a delicate way to phrase what she wanted to say. "Sweeter than other boys your age, but you are still a boy. You're telling me you've never been frisky with a girl, even if it was never a serious thing?" Shinji's face soured, though Misato couldn't see.
"No," he said flatly, not eager to discuss this any further.
"You don't have to feel bad about it." She reassured with a faux laugh. "You are still young-" "It's not that," he corrected her. "I don't feel bad about not having done anything. It's just..." He trailed.
"Just?" She prompted.
"Talking about stuff like this is just kind of crude." His comment and tone immediately inspired a deep sense of shame in her. Misato would have blushed if her face wasn't already alight from the alcohol.
Crude, Misato thought to herself. Yeah. That's exactly what I am. No one's bringing me home to meet their parents.
"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable." Misato whispered. Sensing he'd spoiled the mood, Shinji tried to better explain himself.
"I guess talking about that kind of stuff is just sort of difficult for me. That's all." Shinji had an annoying and almost impressive penchant for phrasing things in such a way that it nearly always hurt Misato.
That kind of stuff.
The familiar and unwelcome slut-shame was growing, and not at all in a pleasant way. It called to mind the idea of getting railed by Kaji, with Shinji being there to witness her at her absolute lowest.
""That kind of stuff"..." She repeated almost as if she were a child being judged by her parent who had caught her being bad. Shinji craned his head to glance up at her.
"W- well... Yeah. That sort of stuff. You know?"
"I do." She said absently with glazed eyes. The wine glass tilted.
"Did I say something wrong?" There was a nervous trill in his voice that Misato found barely, almost imperceptibly, satisfying in her shame and spite. But she had to do better than to submit to those dark feelings.
"No, Shinji," she sighed. "I'll just try to avoid bringing up that kind of stuff around you, if you feel so strongly about it." Shinji wanted to tell her that he was relieved to hear her say that, but something about the situation made him uneasy. As if he were failing, or had already failed, some kind of test.
"I feel like I said something to upset you." Was all he could think to say. Misato's brow furrowed in irritation.
"You just made me feel sort of-" she began, before deciding to go a different, more deflective route. "You were just kind of acting like a prude." She muttered.
"Because I didn't want to talk about dirty stuff like that?"
"There it is again. The truth comes out," she grinned humorlessly. "You don't like things that are dirty, do you, Shinji?"
Dirty like I am, she thought.
"What?"
"I mean, why would anyone? No one seems to. At least, not for long." She went on. "You're not wrong to feel that way."
"Misato?"
"Sure, they like it for a little bit, but then they leave you. Once they figure out what you are."Shinji looked confused, and she grinned snidely. "Slut," she spelled it out for him with a resentful glee, and chased it with a hollow, rueful laugh.
Shinji didn't say anything.
He'd clearly struck a nerve, but he was out of his depth and not sure where he misstepped, or what her hangups were.
"I wanna be close to you," Misato went on after a moment, doing her best to rein in her hurt feelings. "But without-" she paused, knowing he'd react to the next word strongly. "-sex-" She grimaced as his body tensed up. "- I don't know how to do that. If you're so put off by everything that's crude, then what do you see in me, Shinji? Crude's all I am... It's not even that I want to mindlessly fuck you. I just feel closest when, well. You know... Without that, is this even going to work?" Shinji's body was still rigid, and his instincts were screaming at him to get out of this situation, but he fought the swelling anxiety as best he could, for her sake.
He tried to say something, but only a low, shuddering breath came out.
The truth was, she was feeling equally insecure, and she also wanted to run away. But after their pep talk about cowardice, she felt like running wasn't an option, no matter how badly this hurt.
"Do you think I'm disgusting?" Misato asked.
"No..." He finally managed to speak. There was a mild comfort in knowing he wasn't lying to her, either.
"If you don't like dirty things, then why do you like me, Shinji?"
"I don't think you're dirty. And that was never why I liked you. I mean- sometimes stuff you do might be. But I don't judge you for that." While what he said was somewhat reassuring, Misato didn't entirely buy it. Nor did it feel especially good that he considered some of her actions dirty, even if he claimed to separate her from said actions.
"You were kind enough to take me in," he went on. "You're compassionate and thoughtful. You saw that I was alone, and you made sure I wasn't anymore. I think you're a sweet, caring woman. That's what I see."
"Like taking you in was such a charitable thing to do..." She whispered. "I did it more for myself than anything else. Because I hate being alone. Even when I do something kind, it's for my own benefit." Shinji considered this a moment.
"If it makes me happy either way, do your intentions matter?" He asked. She contemplated their new dating arrangement, and then sank even lower.
Who was really the one in need?
"I guess not..." She quietly lied, her mind elsewhere.
"Why do you feel like you need... Sex?" Shinji choked the last word out like it was a hairball. The question made her want to laugh. Some pent-up resentment bubbling to the surface.
"Are you joking?" She chuckled derisively. "What do all guys want? You're an outlier, Shinji. Or maybe just a liar. When that's almost all men ever respond to, what else am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to connect to them? A pair of tits and a pussy is pretty universal. Any guy can understand that. It's easy, and- it makes me feel less alone. Why not do it?" Said aloud, she realized how pathetic it must sound. Not that it hadn't occurred to her on numerous occasions already.
"You could... Talk instead?" He offered timidly.
"Talk? Who wants to? And of all people, you suddenly want to espouse the virtues of talking? No one wants to hear what anyone else has to say." She sneered and gulped down the majority of her glass. "Relationships are like a contest of whoever cares less. If you show even a hint of longing, or your real emotions, you lose. You end up alone again because you're desperate. Better to just spread your legs and keep your mouth shut."
"Jesus." Shinji whispered involuntarily.
"Heh, sorry... I shouldn't be exposing you to shit like this. It's got nothing to do with you."
"That's not how you think of us, is it?" Shinji asked.
"Like...?"
"Like this is all just some kind of game. A contest to see which of us cares less? That's not really what romantic relationships are, is it?" Shinji asked in disbelief. "That's so... Cruel." Misato finished the remainder of her wine.
"Yeah, it is. And no, Shinji. I don't think of us that way. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jaded." "Then why would you want to repeat that?" He asked, not understanding at all. "If you were so dissatisfied with sex-"
"I already told you," she snapped. "That's all I've known up to this point. It's not like I enjoy it. I do it because the alternative is being alone. And now I'm going crazy at the idea of you judging me or leaving me, and the only thing on my mind is keeping you, and sex is all I know, Shinji." Her voice wavered. She reached for the half-full bottle on the table.
"What are you doing?" Shinji asked, concerned.
"Same thing I do any time I want to stop feeling, Shinji: Drink."
"I think you've had enough." He put his hand over hers, stalling it in place.
"Real cute, Shinji... Lemme go."
"I think this should stop- or, we should stop for tonight, at least." Shinji tempered his bold declaration.
"What's "this"?" Misato asked with swelling annoyance.
"The drinking. I don't think it helps."
"Oh, here we go. As if I haven't heard these trite lectures a thousand times before. Drinking's not my problem. Pain is my problem. Drinking is the solution." Misato grumbled.
"Well, maybe it shouldn't be. And maybe it doesn't have to be." Shinji's naive idealism made her want to puke, but she relented. Only to spare herself having a conversation like this for the thousandth time.
"Okay, Shinji." She set the bottle down on the table. "You win. I'll just stew in my sadness instead." This petulance wasn't very becoming of her.
"Now who's being the sulky one?" He asked.
"Excuse me?"
"You aren't going to lose me. And I'm not judging you. I don't know what happened to you in the past, but none of that matters to me. It's behind you, and I'm here with you now. Doesn't that count for something?" Misato hung her head somberly.
"It should, shouldn't it...?" She trailed off, resting her arms on the table. "It's not fair of me to take this out on you. I'm sorry. The reality is I've never had a healthy, functional relationship, so," she sighed shakily. "I guess I've already surrendered to the idea of this failing despite wanting to be with you, and wanting to try dating. What does that say about me?"
"I think it says we both have a lot of work to do, like you said earlier." He tried to offer a bit of compassion and hope, and then held out his hand. She dumbly stared at it, puzzled and not understanding what he was doing.
"Sex isn't important to me," he explained. "If you're worried I need your touch to connect with you, even this is enough." He wove his fingers between hers, interlocking him. "We never have to do anything you don't want to do." Misato's eyes were getting misty, wanting to believe him, but scared to trust what he was saying.
"What about when handholding isn't enough? You think we can do this forever, and you'll be satisfied with it?"
"I'm not... Thinking about forever right now. I'm just thinking about the moment. And at this moment, all I know is that I like holding your hand, Misato." He tightened his grip, making her blush. "You're such a liar..." She smiled wearily.
They sat together in silence, enjoying some peace and companionship for a change, blissfully unaware of the rapidly approaching trials on the horizon.