A/N: This chapter came a lot quicker than I thought it would come. Finished in one day straight. I think writing may be an escape for me, to escape from all the things I have to do. I consider it as a 'healthy hobby'. Well, that's just me. Thank you for all your reviews, it placed a 'megawatt smile' on my face. Thanks to Snow (yeah, I'm officially calling you Snow now... ) for beta-ing. I may have to change the angst, it's still angst, but it will become less angsty. Don't worry, in this chapter, it's still present. That's enough from me, let's start it!
He closed the door firmly and stood still with the handle still in his right hand. He closed his eyes, again. He didn't know how many times he had closed his eyes today, he had lost count. He felt the tears were forming and a dull ache manifest behind his eyes. It had been a mistake, he thought. His love for Sara wasn't real, it was just an impulse, and it was nothing more than a simple thoughtless action, nothing more. His kiss... it was just a spur of the moment. It had not been real, it just couldn't have been. He felt the the tears coming, he tried to swallow them away, but the feeling was just too intense to push away. Then he thought about Sara. She would understand it... she has to understand. She knew he couldn't love her the way she loved him, he couldn't care about anyone... She deserved someone else, someone special who would make her happy. He cried now, he knew he couldn't do anything to make the situation different. He knew that he was lying right now, he did care about her, he loved her, and it was not a simple quirk. But why can't I show her how I feel? Why can't I love her the way she deserves? Why do I walk away every time I try to love her? He dared to think of it, dared to use the word love, because he realised that this was no longer friendship, or taking care. It was so much more.
Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped at the touch and turned around. Catherine was standing in front of him; he could only guess what she was thinking. She kept silent and placed her hand on his shoulder. He was so grateful that she wasn't asking questions, that she just stood right in front of him, in silence. He nodded at her, trying to convey a lot to her. It was a sign that she could talk to him, it was a sign that it was okay. He released his grip on the handle.
Catherine was first to brake the silence. 'What happened? Why are you crying? It's about...?'
He tried to look at her, but realised that it was too painful for him. He knew he had to talk to her, she was the only one he could speak to right now. 'It's... her. I...'
He searched for the words, but couldn't find them. She made a gesture to the chairs just across the hall, but he made it clear that he would rather stand there. She opened her purse, looked in it and grabbed him a tissue. He accepted it and wiped away his tears.
'Whatever happened between you two, you need to go back to her. She needs you, Gil, she needs you more than ever. And you know it.' He nodded, knowing that what she said was true. Catherine continued. 'You don't have to tell me why you're crying, I think that's private, and I'll accept that, but... I've known Sara long enough to know that she... loves you. And don't look at me like that, it's quite obvious. You have been... I'm not going to sugar-coat it anymore; you have been a real jerk to her. She has tried and tried to show you her feelings, and you just... turned around. You...'
She stopped her torrent of words and looked at him. He wasn't crying, he just accepted the words. After a while, he looked at her. 'I tried to... kiss her. And I just ran away... I don't know what to do about it anymore. She... I need her, I can't deny it anymore. God... I have been in denial for so long now... I... love her and I want to love her, but I just... I completely blank out every time I try to show her my feelings. I really want to Cath, but I don't know how.'
He felt the tears foming again, but he managed to push them away. 'Do you think she wants to see me again?' He wanted to know, but he doubted if Sara wanted that and he didn't think he could do it himself - to go back in there and apologize, but he had to.
'She has been really patient with you... more than you deserve.' She saw his stunned expression and smiled. 'Sorry, Gil, you wanted me to be honest, right? You can give it a go... I always say: never doubt, never look back, and that's what you need to do right now. Just go, and tell her what you told me. Then, it's up to her.' She moved closer and hugged him. 'You know what you have to do... shall I wait here?'
He shook his head. 'Thanks, but... no... I just... I'll call you back later, okay?' She smiled and walked away; looking over her shoulder, she left him with, 'Good luck.' He placed his hand back on the handle and opened the door again.
She was still sitting on the bed, in the same place Grissom had left her. She was crying, again. She didn't want to fall apart again. The kiss... it had been a surprise to her, she didn't see it coming, and for a moment she thought it was real, for a moment she thought they had a chance, but he walked away like he always did. What has he done to me? Why am I always crying when he does this to me? She wanted to forget him, she wanted to leave him... but she couldn't, her legs didn't want to walk her away, and even if they had been strong, she couldn't have left him. I've spent almost half of my life wanting him to love me... no, not to love me, but... I just want him to show me that I'm more to him than an employee... and every time he tries to, he just runs away...
Similiar thoughts passed through her mind. She smiled painfully, knowing he was probably going to act like nothing happened. She could almost hear him telling her to forget it... 'Sara... it was a mistake, you have to know that. I like you, but... Let's just move on.'
But the last thing she wanted was to 'move on', she wanted to talk about it, but she wasn't sure she would be able to bear the pain again; she didn't know she could handle his unsure mind again. If he came back to her, she would forgive him and everything would be okay, but was that what she wanted? Would I get somewhere when we made up and he promises to not to run away? Would he finally say those three little words to me? She had her doubts, but she knew she couldn't do anything but give him another chance.
She dried her tears and looked at the necklace on the bedside table. She smiled and took it. She let it lay in her hands and rubbed with the tip of her index finger on the silver-coloured metal. She loved the way it felt in her hands. She unlocked the clasp and put it on her neck. The metal felt cold on her skin. She sighed and changed position.
Then she heard someone open the door. She looked at the doorway abruptly. It was him. He was crying, she thought, she saw the rawness in his eyes. She tried to stay calm and hoped she could remain silent and listen to his words; he was probably going to tell her something really important. She knew that it would be impossible for her.
'Yes?' While saying it, she could have kicked herself. I sound so cold and harsh, he will walk away again and I'll never know what he was planning to say... what have I done? She almost freaked out before he even had the chance to talk. But he didn't walk away; he even moved a little closer and stood still right in front of her bed.
'I'm sorry for what I have done. I shouldn't have...'
She broke his words by coughing softly. 'I know what you're going to say... I just wanted you to know that for me it was no mistake. But if you want to leave me... just go... I won't hold it against you...' She stared at the white wallpaper and felt that she was crying again. Why am I crying? It has to be the medication... they make me weak and drowsy.
He inhaled deeply and looked at her. 'Sara... that's not what I was going to say. Please let me finish, okay? I shouldn't have walked away. I don't think it was a mistake... not at all. I...' He closed his eyes and let Catherine's words haunt his mind. 'Just go, and tell her what you told me.' He searched for strength. 'I love you Sara. I always loved you... But... every time I try to show you what I feel, I just... I... I'm sorry Sara, sorry for what I have done to you. I wish I could turn back time, but I can't. I was... hoping... you would give me another chance. Please...'
What did he just say? Did he say that he loved me? No... that he had always loved me? Was this the same Grissom she had worked with for so many years? She looked at him with a stunned expression. Her eyes were wide open, but then she realised that he might take back his words tomorrow, that this was just a mistake. She knew she had to say something, but didn't know what to say. She chose to be honest, it would hurt her, it might hurt him, but twisting the truth wouldn't bring them to a better position. 'I don't know if I can, Grissom. I have known you for a very long time and you can say that you'll do better, but I don't know if I can trust you about that. You may feel a different way tomorrow... please don't make me happy for nothing.'
'I know I have been a real... ass... towards you, I'm so sorry for everything, but please, give me another chance. Tell me what I can do to show you that my feelings are real...'
She smiled at him. He was really trying to be nice. 'You don't have to prove it, but... just think about it. You can come back tomorrow and tell me what your answer is...' It pained her to wait, but she knew she had to do this.
He took a step towards her and looked at her, hoping she would look back at him. She did. 'Can I... just hold you? I need to feel you in my arms, please? I promise that I won't do anything else. I... I want to be with you, I want to be there for you.'
She wanted to say no, but she realised that she couldn't resist it. She nodded and felt how tired she was, not physically but mentally. She placed her feet back on the bed and laid her head on the pillow. He walked to the other side of the bed, took off his shoes and sat on the other side of the small bed. He moved his hand to her shoulder and gently moved her so he could position himself behind her. He let his body lay back into the other side of the single bed. It was small for them both, but just big enough to lie close to each other without almost rolling out of it. He placed his other hand on her hair and caressed it. He felt her snuggle back into his chest and the tension ease from her body... she was about to fell asleep. He wanted to tell her that he loved her again, but he knew that it was better to remain silent: she would only become upset with him or send him away. Her breathing became rhythmic and calm; he knew that she was sleeping right now. He wished he could see her face, but when he would move he would wake her. He decided to stay there and closed his eyes. His hand moved to her belly that had become a bit bigger, he could feel that there was some life in there. He let his hand rest there gently and fell asleep.
A/N: I'm looking foreward to the next chapter myself. Next week, I'm at school, yes, again. I can't make any promises... but it will upload it, that's for sure. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. TBC!