Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I have altered the names to make it more amusing; the names, too, I did not make up (for the most part). It should be rather obvious which character I am parodying, for instance, Professor McGonagall is Professor McGonads.

Further note: This is intended as a comedy. I have taken a few liberties with the characters, and put them in situations where it does not strictly follow canon with the books. If you cannot cope with that: deal. This is meant as humor, and nothing more. That said, let the fun begin!

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Chapter 1 – The Shortest Chapter – Ever

Looking up from the scrap of parchment he held in his hand, Professor Doubledork asked, "Is this real?"

Professor McGonads nodded, "Terrible as it sounds, it is true."

Doubledork shook his head, "How can this be done? I thought he had graduated from Hogheads long ago."

"He had," McGonads agreed, "But he is saying that he needs more training, and is coming back. We'll have to keep an eye on him."

"Don't worry, Professor McGonads," Doubledork promised, crumpling up the paper and throwing it towards his pet bird, Feebles, who let out a loud squawk when it impacted, and immediately fell to the ground from the shock. "I shall be very careful when Lusty Malformed returns to Hogheads this year."

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Chapter 2 – Herwhiny Contemplates Buying a Comb

The train began to move along the track, and as Harry Plodder and his best, and only, friend, Runt Queasy, sat in their own little compartment, far away from spying eyes so they could do whatever they wished without being seen, they could almost hear the faint sounds of the engine, speaking, "I think I can, I think I can." Harry, short, egotistical, with some stupid cut on his face and brown hair that always needed proper grooming, was leaning back with his hands folded behind his head. Runt, red-hair, freckles, and interminably stupid, watched him with fascination, when suddenly this girl who had decided she was their friend, and who the two boys only let hang out with them was because she not only dissipated the rumors that they were involved, but as puberty was slowly setting in, was becoming more interesting with each passing day. At least the two bumps on her chest were. In any case, she came barging in, like she always did, and gasped out, "Did you hear?" Her incredibly unkempt hair flung itself over her eyes and she tried to brush it away, but her fingers became ensnarled, and she had to fight to free her hand. Even though her parents where both non-magical humans, she had not yet heard of this thing called a "comb."

"What is it now, Herwhiny?" Runt sighed.

"Drano Malformed's father, Lusty Malformed, is coming back to Hogheads this year," Herwhiny Grumble informed them, feeling it necessary to repeat the chap's last name twice, as if the father's last name would somehow be different then his sons. She had little common sense, though she was quite book-smart.

Harry sat up, "How can he do that? I thought he had graduated, like, a million years ago or something."

"It was hardly a million, Harry," Herwhiny corrected him, which made Harry want to stand up and smack her. "And I'm not entirely sure. I heard that he wanted more training, and returned to get it."

"I bet he's just here to spy on Harry," Runt said.

"Yes, I'm worried, too," Herwhiny agreed, "After all, he is a Vegetarian, one of You-Know-Who's most loyal supporters."

Harry nodded, "Yeah, Spoiledsport, the most evil sorcerer ever. We'll have to keep a watch on him." Herwhiny nodded and then left. No one knew where she actually went to when she left them, but it was a good excuse for her to go away and leave Runt and Harry alone.

"What do you think of that? You think Lusty wants to spy on you for You-Know-Who?" Runt wondered.

Harry shrugged, he didn't know all that much, "It's a possibility," he said, and then took a nap.

When the train finally reached Hoghead, all the students disembarked. As they headed towards the carriages which would take them to the castle where the school was located, they could all hear Halfwit's booming voice, summoning the first-year students, who would ride in boats to the castle. As Harry and Runt got into their private carriage, being forced to share it with Herwhiny and Normal like they were every year, Runt tapped Harry on his shoulder and pointed. Together they looked at a very tall and striking first-year. "That's Malformed," Runt said.

"I don't know," Harry said appraisingly, looking Lusty Malformed up and down, "He looks well formed to me."

"No, Harry," Runt reprimanded him, and Harry was not sure if Runt had become jealous, "It's Lusty Malformed, he's at Hogheads, as a first-year!"

"I knew that," Harry snapped as they got into the carriage and went up to the castle.

As they rode up to the castle, Herwhiny could not shut up about seeing Lusty there, "Did you see him?" she said, "With that long blond hair, and those black eyes, it had to be him. I mean, really, what first-year is over six foot tall? It shall be interesting to see how he fits in this year."

TBC….