A/N: Whoa, this came very fast! Almost one shot. The original concept was way longer, but almost 4000 words is a lot. The rest of the chapter will be called "Chapter 18", which is halfway there. Thanks for everyone who reviewed to me, you know? I'll have a party when I reach the 100 :) Thanks to Cybrokat for betareading (Really quick this time :))
This chapter is dedicated to Myra, (sarasidlegrissom if you want, read her story. She's on my fave authors list!
Sara woke up. She had no idea how long she had slept, but she felt well-rested. She felt too comfortable to open her eyes, though still she felt too awake to turn around and fall asleep again. She tried to imagine the world around her without opening her eyes, just to have the sound and the feelings to show her what she was doing. Hmm... I just fell asleep. In his arms. In his arms? She tried to think back but her mind was blurry since the massage. She wanted to remember anything though, so she went back in time in her thoughts.
He massaged me. Hmm... It still feels good there, he really has soft hands. And then? He gave me his shirt and brought me to the bedroom. I... I guess I fell asleep there; he woke me when he brought me soup. Soup... yes, he made me soup. Oh, I love him; he really took care of me. I fell asleep... with his arms around me.
She tried to focus herself on the sounds in the room. And the touches. This was something she always did when she had to wake up and actually didn't want to. She still hadn't moved and felt something on her stomach. What's this? It's not any part of my body... wait wait... She moved her left hand to the place and touched the skin of his hand. It's his hand! Lying on my pregnant belly... is he aware of the fact that he's doing this to me? She moved her fingers on his skin, caressed it softly and finally gripped it. She twined her fingers between his; his fingers were warm and smooth, exactly as she expected them to be.
She pricked up her ears, and heard him breathing close to her. He's lying close to me? How close exactly? Nothing else is touching me, but if I hear his breathing, he must be close to me. She sighed, knowing that there was no option than just open her eyes and see it herself. She moaned, and opened her eyes flutteringly. The room was actually quite dark; the only source of light came from under the door that led to the living room. She looked at him, and tried not to move. He was asleep. lying on his side, face to face with her. He looked, and there was no other word to say it, adorable. He's so sweet, even his beard looks adorable. She wanted to move closer to him, to kiss him, to crawl in his arms, she wanted to hold him. She wanted him to hold her close to him, but she didn't want to wake him either.
He deserves some sleep, if I'll wake him, he will not be pleased. He has done so much, the least I can do is to let him sleep. She tried to close her eyes again and fall asleep, but it just didn't work. She couldn't sleep knowing that the man she loved was so close to her. She inhaled heavily and closed her eyes. This hurts... She realized that she had to take some of her medication; the last time she took them was just before she left the hospital. She didn't know how long ago that was: she didn't have a clock to tell her the time, but she knew that it was too long ago.
She frowned and realized that she had to wake him; she had no other options left. She bit her lip, stubborn as she was. She wanted to watch him first, the pain could wait. She moved her eyes to the end of the bed. He was covered with the blanket completely, just like her. His head was half lying on the mattress, half on his pillow. She smiled. The idea of their bed sheets made her smile. If Catherine has done this, I need to thank her. Jeez, whoever did this has a genius mind.
She noticed his ears, his nose, and every part of his face. And it made her smile. She wanted to kiss his cheek; she wanted to stroke his hair, to feel his soft neck. The longing had become too strong to bear, she leaned forward, hesitating. Can I just kiss him awake? How would he react if he feels my lips against his skin? Would he like it? Would he be mad that I woke him? Would he kiss me back? She shook her head softly. Come on, Sidle, he loves you. He told you that he does, he certainly wouldn't mind being kissed by you. She closed her eyes and felt her lips touch his cheek. She felt the soft hairs of his beard connect to her lips. She kissed him, whispered something and moved back. She watched him open his eyes. "Hey..."
He smiled at her. "How long have you been staring at me?"
She took his hand again. "Not long enough... sorry that I woke you up."
"Don't worry, I needed to wake up, and... I love being woken up by you... I love your kisses, Sara." Have I just said that to her? He moved forward to her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. She closed her eyes. He sat up, held her in his arms and moved her closer to him. He took her face in his hands, each of his palms covering her cheek. He first kissed her left eye, her right eye, her nose. He closed his eyes and kissed her mouth too.
"Hmm... kiss me... kiss me..." Sara whispered the words with such longing that he couldn't deny it anymore; he wanted to kiss her too, not just on her forehead, but kiss her. She wants to kiss? Really kiss? He breathed in and started to kiss her intensely, their tongues danced around each other, fast and slow, passionate and deep, like the dance of the Tango. The feeling of the lips, her hands holding his shoulders, her face in his hands, it became too much for him. He couldn't handle it anymore and he let her go softly.
She still had closed her eyes. He silently watched her; she opened her eyes and looked at him. He touched her face and stroked her cheek. She moaned, as a sign that she really loved what he was doing. She ponders, is there anything wrong with her? "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, it's just... do you want to pour a glass of water for me? I need to... get my medication."
"Of course I will..." He walked away to the kitchen where he had left her medication. He came back with the box of the medication and looked at the sticker planted on it. Maximum dose: three times a day, two pills. He placed two pills on his hand and gave them to her. "There you are, honey..."
She took the pills, laid them on her tongue and swallowed the water. She placed the empty glass on the bedside table, and smiled at him. "Thank you... Gil..."
Did she just call me Gil? My first name? She never did this, not even before she became on my shift. And on shift, it's only Catherine who calls me Gil... does this mean something special? Can I ask her? Should I ask her this? "Ehm... Sara? You... you..."
She smiled at him, didn't look away. He didn't have to finish his sentence; she laid her index finger on his lips. "Yes, I called you 'Gil'... I... I didn't know what I was doing... I... I don't know but I love to call you 'Gil', if you don't mind..."
"Honey, look at me, of course I don't mind. I was just... surprised that you did. Okay?"
She moved towards him and laid her head on his shoulder. "Hold me..." She mumbled the words. He drew her towards him, her back touched him now and he embraced her with his arms. She crawled in his arms; he held her even closer to him. "Sara... I love you..."
"Hmmm..." She moved her shoulders and he let her go.
"Shall I make breakfast for us? I know... it's..." He checked his watch. "It's almost 6, so it's technically not breakfast, but... when I think of the time we have slept, I consider it as breakfast."
"Breakfast? Sounds like a good idea..." She sighed. "I... I want to cook some dinner for us when... when I'm able again."
"I love cooking for you, even though I'm not good at it. And Sara, I will cook for you until you're feeling well enough." He moved from the bed and turned around. "I'm going to bake you some pancakes, if that's okay with you. You can just stay here, make yourself comfortable. There are laying magazines over there; I guess the one on the top may draw your interest. There's a fascinating article about a new refined theory to make a time line, one of the best forensic entomologist from the USA wrote it, I think you might be interested in what she wrote."
"Okay, I will read it. What's the name of the magazine?"
"It's 'Journal of Medical Entomology'. Usually, the articles are about the link between insects and diseases, but sometimes there are forensic articles too."
Sara nodded. "Okay, then I want to read it."
He walked over to the pile of magazines and took the one on the top. "It's on page 23." He put on the light above the bed and Sara took the magazine and looked at the front page. She flipped through the pages until she arrived at the right page.
Grissom walked to the door and walked out. Before he closed the door completely, he watched her through the chink of the door. She was lying on her side, her face to the door. She was half covered by the blanket, only her legs were covered. Her left arm lay under her head, to lift it, and with her right hand she touched the pages of the magazine, she followed the lines she was reading. She seemed to be focused; she didn't notice that he was watching her. He smiled and reminded himself that he had a job to do. He closed the door and walked to the kitchen.
He took the frying pan out of the drawer and put it on the gas cooker. His mind, though, was not with the pancakes he had to make, but with her. He realized that he needed her, that he wanted her and that he couldn't live a life without her. When he woke up today, by the kiss on his cheek, he felt such warmth inside, things he had never felt before. He had never truly thought that he would ever do this with Sara. He had wanted it, he had imagined it, but he always considered these fantasies as unrealistic. Now she was his, he didn't doubt that anymore, he knew he didn't have to worry. And even though he tried very hard to be there for her, to be caring and optimistic, he couldn't hide the feeling of fear.
She could have been dead. She could have died at the operation table; she could have been six feet under right now. He shivered and stared at the refrigerator. Come on, Gil, she's not dead; you don't have to think about that. She's alive, she's perfectly alive, and the only think you should think about right now is to cook. She needs to be fed, that's the only thing that counts.
He couldn't. He couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he could have lost her for good. The two weeks she was in the hospital, he had pushed that feeling away; he was too concerned to think about the fact that she could have been killed. Strangely, now that she was here and that she was perfectly alive, he thought about her, lying on a metal layer in a cold morgue. Or even worse, lying on a hospital bed, knowing that she never was going to wake again, but too stubborn to die. He couldn't handle the idea that he could have been the person to decide to shut the machines and let her die.
She could have been dead, Gil, she could have died.
He felt cold as ice when he realized that she had been so lucky to survive. He remembered the conversation he had with Catherine, on the phone. He didn't have had the time to freak out; he just hurried to the hospital. The memory of the ride was blurry and almost black. He remembered the traffic lights; he remembered that his cell phone rang but that he had shut it. He remembered that he locked his car, for some strange reason he didn't remember his way to the hospital hall. He remembered Catherine's concerned reaction, her close hug. He appreciated the fact that she had been there.
He remembered Sara lying on the bed, the pale skin, the artificial respiration, the cold hand, the yelling to him when he tried to go to the operation room. For one moment he had thought that she was going to die there, for one moment he had felt that she didn't have a chance. He remembered that he decided not to think about his own feelings from that moment on. She had needed him, she still needed him.
But I can't push away my feelings right now, is that bad for her? Do I harm her if I allow myself to have feelings? Can I take care of her as good as I admit my emotions?
He didn't know what to do, and he walked to the refrigerator to take a bottle of milk out of it. He banged his head to the metal of the door and closed his eyes. He knew that he was wrong, that he had to show his feelings.
I need to talk with her, I need to tell her what I have been though when she was in the hospital, but is she interested in that? Is that something she has to know? I need to tell it to someone, I need to tell her, but wouldn't it interrupt her healing process? Is she strong enough to talk to me about this?
He sighed and decided not to think anymore and just to focus on the pancakes he had to make. He opened the refrigerator and sighed again.
She set the magazine aside. The article had indeed been interesting, exactly as she had expected. He always shows me such great stuff. She smiled and closed her eyes for a brief moment.
I have been so lucky to be here, to have him here with me, loving me. I feel so auspicious that he still is in love with me, after all the things that happened. After all the times he tried and I pushed him away, because I didn't want him to hurt me. After all the times I tried and he couldn't try. After all the mental outbursts I had and he had to comfort me.
What does he think about me? Does he think that I'm an emotional wreck? Someone with serious problems caused by her traumatizing past? A broken person? He must know that this is wrong! That I'm quite weak right now is due to the medication and the accident, not at any of my mental issues. I'm perfectly healthy, mentally. Everything is fine, he has to know that.
She shrugged and changed position. She knew that she had to be glad that she woke up next to him. He is so sweet to me, I love him, God, I love him more than anything in the world. She wanted him to be close to her. And he had been close to her, not just this morning but all through the weeks she had spent in the hospital.
Her mind went back to the time she had spent there. He had been there for her, at her side, for almost all the time. She knew that he was there for her, not just as someone she worked with, but much more than that. She didn't want to believe this at the first, but when they talked, since he had given her that necklace, she felt that they had a chance. And they had a chance, she knew that.
He wanted to be the father of her baby, but there was more. He loved her, not just as the mother of his child, but as Sara Sidle. Not just as an employee of the Las Vegas Crime Lab, but as the woman she was, Sara Sidle. And she didn't want to mess up this time; she wanted to keep him close to her. This morning had been great, waking up in his arms, kissing him awake.
This is what I have always dreamed of. It all feels so unreal.
That he was her boyfriend now was something she had to get used to. Calling him 'Gil' today hadn't been a surprise for her though. She hadn't planned it, but it just slipped out of her mouth. It felt good though; it seemed less distant than the short version of his surname as anyone seemed to call him. Still, this all frightened her a bit.
How is he going to react to me if I'm better? If I'm going to work again, with him... can he react as Grissom, the supervisor? I don't think I can respond to him like I used to do. What if Ecklie finds out our relationship? One of us is going to take a step back then, but... I don't want him to do that, his work is his life; never... he doesn't have to lose his job because of me. Even if he says that he's okay with it, I'm sure he isn't.
She sighed and moved her hands to her temples. She felt that the medications were going to work, she felt somewhat dizzy, but the pain had disappeared, not completely, but it felt better than it had felt before.
I'm so lucky to be here, in his home, in his bed.
Her thoughts reached the moment she had been hit by the bullet. In all the time after the hit, she didn't want to think about it. She was just too afraid how she might react; she had pushed away the feelings. Deep in her heart, she knew that it was wrong. She tried carefully to gauge how far she could go back now. She didn't remember the bullet hitting her, but if she tried to think hard enough, she could get the moment with Catherine back. She remembered Catherine, begging her to stay with her, whispering things... She didn't remember words, but the tone of her voice had never really disappeared off her mind.
The pain, she still felt the pain she had felt back then. Her heart, pumping the blood through her system, desperately trying to keep her alive. She remembered that her breathing was not normal; she didn't understand what was wrong. The pain... the killing pain, flamed through her body. If she went deep enough, she still could feel it.
Her lips trembled, but she swallowed the present fear away. I have to go back, if I don't, I will never really recover from the scars I have. I will always be afraid; I have to go through my fears.
She still remembered how scared she was when she was lying in the hospital bed. She still heard the monitors beeping all around her, the IV's in her arm, the wires, the oxygen mask on her mouth, preventing her from saying things. She still felt as helpless as she had felt then, too tired to do anything but awake enough to notice that everything was wrong. Too tired to open your eyes and look at the world around, but too pained to sleep well.
But the fact that he had been with her, holding her hand, the fact that he had been close to her as often as he could, meant the world to her. She still heard the voices of the doctors around her.
They must have thought that I was sleeping...
They thought that she was going to die... At that moment, Sara's eyes widened. She hadn't thought about it, but suddenly she realized how close she had come to dying.
If Catherine had come some minutes later, I would have been dead. If the surgeons had done something wrong, I would have been dead. If they... would have considered me too weak, I wouldn't be... pregnant anymore. Would Grissom still have loved me if I... had lost this little one? I could have been dead; I really could have died...
I have been so selfish, I must have thought about him too, he must have gone through a hard period and all I did was thinking about me. His whole world was about comforting me, and... He didn't think about himself. He had sacrificed himself completely for me, and that's not good. It's wrong, it's so wrong, I have been so self-centered. God, if I had realized it then, it all had been so different...
She felt a tear slipping down on her cheek and she wiped it away with the back of her hand.
I could have been dead... I just could have been dead! I just could have fallen in a coma and never be able to wake up again. Oh, God, I have been so close, so awfully close to death...
Now she realized that she wanted him to hold her, to comfort her in his arms. She swung her two legs out of the bed, leveraged her body with her hands and stood up her legs. The world waved around her, but she didn't care. She laid her hand on the wall for support and opened the door of the living room. There she stopped, hoping that he would see her and carry her to a place where she was safe. He looked up when she knocked on the door and immediately noticed that there was something wrong. He put off the gas, laid the fork on the kitchen sink and walked to her.He twined his arms around her. She pressed her head in his shirt and started to cry. She didn't have the strength to say anything and gladly he just let her sob. They stood there, in the middle of the living room, the smell of pancakes surrounding them. He was clearly having a hard time, he struggled between his own emotions and comforting her. I have to be there for her now, I can't start crying now. He whispered her name. She still hadn't stopped crying. "I was so scared... so scared. I just... I don't know, I thought about... you, the accident, I just... realized that..." She couldn't finish the sentence.
"Shh.. it's okay... You're safe now. Shh, Sara, please stop crying..." She let out a last sob and looked at him. Before he could do anything, she wiped away her tears with her arm and tried to walk away. He stopped her. "Sara... you okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I just... I realized how... close I have been to... dying. I could have been dead..." Her words faded away.
He walked to her and embraced her again. "It's okay..." He guided her to the couch, supporting her while she shuffled. He made her sit there and walked to the kitchen. "The pancakes are ready." She nodded and waited on the couch for the pancakes to come her way.
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