A/N: Please read this first. Lyrics below are NOT mine. It's by a song, called "Looking in the eyes of love", written by Tricia Walker and Kostas Lazarides, performed by "The Corrs" and available on the In Blue Special Edition CD. I don't own the lyrics and I will never claim them as mine. If you are and you are sure that the lyrics have to be deleted, please email me first. Then I will delete them MYSELF! Please don't delete the story...
Having said that... :) This chap has taken me really much effort. I had to take a step back from it, but I believe that things are going well between Clarity and me. Thanks to: All the Reviewers, Myra, Kristy, Cybrokat, Snow.I hope you will enjoy this chap as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Chapter 18

The music was playing softly in the background. It was a CD with various songs composed by Sara. The music was slow, easing, definitely something else than the Evanescence CD Sara got from Jena. They sat on the couch together as Grissom held her close to him. She had her legs curled up on the couch, her hands laid on her pregnant belly. She was looking at the burning candle on the table in front of her. She knew she had to talk now. They had eaten the pancakes, he had done the dishes, and she had grabbed another magazine and read. Now they were sitting on the couch, the silence was uncomfortable. They both knew that they needed to have a conversation, but neither of them knew how to start it.

Is it not possible to sit here, at least for now? I really don't want to talk right now... I don't want to feel the way I felt again. I don't want to remember what it was, in the hospital, the helplessness, the pain, the disability to do anything. I don't want to panic again; I don't want to be hurt again. Not when he's with me, I don't want him to see me like that. He isn't pushing me, but I can feel that he wants to know why I was acting like that. Why can't he just let me sit here, hold me and let me fall asleep against his shoulder?

She sighed, knowing that she probably would be the one to start the conversation.

"Gris... about tonight... I just... I..."

She tried to push away the scary images in her mind. She knew she was slipping again, she felt that she began to shiver. Desperately she tried to smile, hoping that the false gesture would convince him that she was okay. For one moment, she felt that she could betray herself too, but the feeling she felt grew stronger with every second she breathed. Her eyes filled themselves with tears; she looked away from him, hoping that he wouldn't notice.

Come on, Sidle, don't start crying now. Control your fear. Focus on the light of the candle, just focus. It will be okay, they are just images in your head. Just images, just feelings. They are not real; they are just in your head. You are sitting here, in his arms, there's no need to be afraid.

She inhaled deeply and tried madly to push the tears away. She didn't succeed; they started to fall down her cheeks slowly. Grissom noticed them in the light of the candles, and drew her to himself. Sara pushed herself away from him and tried to turn away.

I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to think that I can't handle it. I can do it on my own. Just give me a minute, I'll be fine. Just one minute...

Grissom touched her hand. "Sara?"

Don't call me, not now. Doesn't he see that I'm having a hard time? Can't he just leave me alone?

"I... I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

And that was the last thing she needed. That was the last straw. She started to cry vehemently, there was no mind trick that could stop her from sobbing. She placed her head in her hands, pressed against her knees. Her shoulders shook, she shivered. He moved closer to her, and embraced her with his arm. He tried to comfort her, but was partly unable through his own emotions.

God, not now. Don't let the tears come now. I need to be there for her, I can't break down. I can't have emotions right now; I have to be there for her.

He carefully made her sit close to him, made her head lay down on his chest. That she was sobbing made it even worse for him. He realized that she was crying for the same reason as he was, and that made it even harder for him to hide his feelings. He felt tears coming in his eyes. I can't push them away, I can't hide it anymore. He closed his eyes and a single tear slipped away down his left cheek.

Sara was the first to look up. "Gris... I... I am so..." Her lips trembled. "I could have been dead... you would never have known... about the little one... we would never have... been together... you just..."

She pressed herself to himself even more closely, to find support. "I... I just thought at the time... in the hospital... I went back, I could feel the pain. I felt the fear again... I was so afraid, Gris, I was so afraid..." He felt that another tear slipped down his cheek. Silence fell between them; she buried her face into his shirt, and started to sob again.

"I almost lost you. Sara, I was afraid too."

He whispered the words and she looked up, forgetting to sob for a short time.

God, he is crying over me. He is just crying because he felt that he lost me.

She didn't have the strength to smile at him, but it made her feel a little bit better.

At least I'm not the only one with these feelings.

She crawled to him; he laid her arm around her. They silenced. "Sara...?"

She nodded.

"You... you can't deal with it... can you?" What a way of phrasing... there's no way that she can answer this properly... Very good, Gil, very good.

She was quiet for a very long time, and then slowly shook her head.

What am I going to say now? That she needs therapy? Now she finally trusts me I'm going to advice her therapy? How idiotic can I be, she'll never trust me again. Though... it's the best for her, she can't deal with it alone. I'll be there for her, but... how do I convince her that this is the best for her?

"Sara? If you want to talk... you know... I'll be there for you..."

He's so sweet to me... and I need to talk... I'm not sure I can do it now, but I know I have to.

"Thanks... I... I want to... talk."

She looked at him and wiped her tears away. She inhaled deeply. "I just..."

She paused, and thought of what she was going to say now. There was no way that she could go back now, she had to talk. She appreciated that he waited for her to be strong enough to continue. Her eyes met his, and she noticed that he looked at her with great concern. She gave him a weak smile and looked away.

"I... was lying in the bed and... I... I hadn't thought about... the accident... when I was in the hospital, it all was too close to me, I pushed away my feelings. The only thing that mattered was to get better, I thought. I smiled and thought that I was okay... everyone thought that I was okay. I... I knew that I wasn't, but somehow this thought didn't make sense. I... always pushed my feelings away..."

She whispered the last words. She took his hand and squeezed it. "I... tonight I thought how close I have been, how easily I could have died... and I... couldn't handle it. Suddenly, I felt the pain again, the fear, you have no idea, but it was so scary. I just thought of... you... me... and... I could have lost you, Gris, I could have lost you. And now, I don't want to. I... I need you, I need you so much, and I thought... felt... if Catherine had been too late, I felt so sorry for you, for everyone, and I was so scared... so scared..."

She sobbed twice and swallowed. "I have been so selfish... you only thought about me, you sacrificed yourself for me... that's not good. You forgot yourself, your life was about me and that's so wrong. I'm so sorry for that, so sorry..."

He looked at her, and felt so sorry for her. She has to know that this is not true; she has not been selfish, not at all. Why does she think that she has been self-centered? I have been there for her, but that's just normal, she needed me and I just was there. Why is she feeling this way?

"Sara... what you think is not true. You haven't been selfish at all. You needed me, and I was there for you. It's normal, you are absolutely not selfish. I will take care of you, as long as you need me. I will be there for you, Sara. Anytime."

She pulled herself close to him, listened to the sound of his heartbeat when she placed her head to his chest. "Gris... I... I think I'm... I'm not okay... I know it..."

She looked at him, although there were tears in her eyes, she didn't look the way she looked before anymore. She had changed a bit. That she had admitted that she was not okay had changed her mood, she didn't have to pretend anymore. The heavy burden had fallen from her shoulders.

"Hold me..."

He took her in his arms, warmed her with the heat of his body. She closed her eyes, not because she was tired, but because she wanted to think. She was not afraid anymore; she felt safe in his arms. She trusted him, and she trusted him that she hadn't been selfish. If he says that, it is probably true. She also thought about his words. He's there for me; he told me that he is. But somehow I feel that... talking won't be enough this time...

He was watching her from the corner of his eyes. He noticed that she had closed her eyes, but she was not sleeping.

She needs help, not just from me, but from a professional. I will be there for her, behind her, beside her, but I can't fix her problems. She needs to see someone, and I'll be there with her. I'll go with her; I will not leave her alone. But how am I going to convince her that she has to go to therapy?

He knew he had to say it to her, face to face. He couldn't fence, she would only protect herself by saying that she was okay, and he would never have a good conversation with her again. At least, he felt that way.

Now I only have to find the right moment. And the words.

He searched in his head, but every phrase he tried, didn't work. Come on, Gil, just say it to her. You'll never know how she will react, you can always try it. He looked at her again, trying to find the strength to continue.

"Sara?"

"Hmm?"

Great way of starting a conversation Gil.

"Sara... ehm. I... I really think that... that you need to see someone..."

Seeing someone... Even greater. She's seeing me already. Clarity, Gil, clarity is a good thing.

"Someone to talk to... apart from me. Someone to help you. A... psychologist..."

That's said. That's out. He was waiting how she would react. She looked up, but her expression told him nothing. What is she thinking? Bad idea, right? She's mad, isn't she? She's angry at me that I told her. But I can't say anything to her right now, everything I say will be wrong.

After a very long time of silence, she nodded. "You're right." She bit on her lip, again.

She's saying that I was right about therapy? She confessed it so easily. How? Does she mean she feels the same way about it? What am I going to say now?

Grissom had thought this would be a long conversation and the early confession made him a little uncomfortable. He didn't expect this. "You want to go to therapy?"

She nodded again. "Yeah... that might be a good idea. Though, since... I have seen a lot of psychologists in my youth... most of them weren't helpful at all, but... maybe I have to give them a second chance... I know that I can't do this alone and I know you want to talk with me... but that isn't enough. I want to... to be able to... live normally, without waking up from nightmares. Without these thoughts... images."

She laid her head back on his chest. "You want to go with me? At least at my... first appointment?"

"Of course." He touched her hair with his fingers.

"Thank you... I've said this a lot I know but... I really love you."

He was touched by her words. Of course it's normal that I do this, but she thinks it's special. "You're special to me... Sara, I... love you too. I just realized that I... that I can't spend another day without you. I need you... I... I could have lost you..."

This time it was Sara who had to calm him down. "Sh... it's okay. I'm alive... I love you, we'll be together. Forever... I know, I have never been a cheesy person but... it's true. I will love you, always."

He held her hand even closer to him. He noticed the music, and looked at her. I want to dance with her. Can I do that? Won't she turn me down? Would she be too tired to move? I can only try, can't I? He placed her off him, she opened her eyes and confusion filled her gaze. He stood up, but still held her hand. "Do you want to dance with me, Sara Sidle?" What is she thinking? She isn't saying yes... does this mean she'll turn me down? And if she does, does this have consequences for us? After the confusion, her face brightened up with a warm smile. She stood up and walked with him to the middle of the room. She noticed the lyrics of the song she knew well, very well.

I wonder should I tell you
About all the crazy things that I have done
I've been hiding all my life
When I should have stayed
I tried to run

She felt him coming close to her. She was not in the mood for a wild dance, but it seemed he just wanted to hold her. She smiled and closed her eyes. Has he chosen this music to dance with me? Has he listened to the lyrics carefully? Or is this just a spur of the moment? She felt him slipping his hands to her waist. He laid her hands down on his shoulders.

I was searching for an answer
In a world so full of strangers
But what I found was never really enough
Now that I've found you
I'm looking in the eyes of love
- In the eyes of love -

Grissom held her tightly. Oh, she is so beautiful. Her waist is warm, warmer than my hands. He knew that she eased on the music, she knew the song. He hadn't chosen the music, but when he heard the slow guitar at the beginning, he hadn't doubted: this was the song he wanted to dance with her. And he had been right; the song described his mood perfectly though he couldn't focus on the lyrics completely, she drew his attention away.

Baby you've been good to me
Oh, so much more that you could know, yeah, yeah
I never thought that I would find
Someone who's so sweet and kind
Like you

She shivered. She didn't know why she was warm. Maybe the lyrics make me shiver... She locked her mind off; she wanted to focus on him, not on the song. She already had pushed away the conversation; she didn't want to think about the therapy. Not yet. She laid her head against his shoulder.

Please believe me when I say

This time I won't run away
I swear be all the heaven's stars above
Now that I've found you
I'm looking in the eyes of love

He looked at her though the corner of his eyes. The expression on her face was just perfect, her eyes were closed, but he felt that she was thinking of him. He moved his hands to her back, bared it by curling her shirt up. He twirled her around, holding her tight to him.

Looking in the eyes of love
I can see forever, yeah
I can see you and me
Walking in this world together

She heard him whisper her name, still she didn't look up. She liked the feeling he gave her: very warm, but still calm. The intimacy was very intense, and she liked the feeling. I have never thought that I would do this with him. Ever, but now I am, I really love it. I never thought that he would be so sweet, but he really is. She caressed his shoulders with her hands.

Oh, my heart's found a hope
I've been dreaming of
Now that I've found you
I'm looking in the eyes of love

He accidentally crossed her skin with his right hand when it moved up. She didn't look at him though. He caressed her hair. It is so soft... He smelled her hair, knowing she had washed it today. It smelled like the shampoo he had brought for her a week ago. He was glad that she liked it so much that she preferred it to her own shampoo that she had with her in her overnight bag. He must have chosen the right perfume for her if she liked to use it that much.

Looking in the eyes of love
I can see - forever - I can see forever
I can see you and me
Walking in this world together

She felt sad that the song had almost ended. She wanted to dance with him a lot more. She wasn't used to doing these intimate things with someone, but she felt very comfortable with it. And so did he, she noticed. During the whole song, she had her eyes closed; now she wished that she had been able to see him. Still, she resisted the temptation and kept her eyes closed. She wanted to feel him for the last couple of seconds.

Oh, my heart's found a hope
I've been dreaming of
Now that I've found you, I've found you
I'm looking in the eyes of love, yeah
Oh

The song faded away. They both still had closed their eyes. She was the first to look up. She lifted herself on the tip of her toes and kissed him on his mouth. She took his hand and his hands moved to her shoulders. He twined his arms around her and embraced her carefully. He whispered words in her ear. "I have some movies... do you want to watch one with me, Sara?"

She seemed surprised. "Ehm... sure. What movie?"

He let her go and walked to the table. He looked at the title of it. "Ehm... it's called 'Serendipity'. You know it?"

She looked at him. "Ehm... Gris? Did you search for this movie yourself?"

"Why?"

"Because this is... ehm... a girl's movie... it's not your style, believe me..."

"In what way?"

"It's ehm... romantical... well, if you did, I was wrong about you. I thought you only watched documentaries about... bugs. I never thought you watched romantic movies."

He looked at her. "To be honest, Catherine chose this movie. Well, she forced me to watch this with you, I didn't have a choice. But I really would love to watch this with you, really. Still, I think it's... interesting... I mean... you know San Francisco really well and so do I. And she's called Sara..."

He opened the drawer of the DVD-player and placed the DVD in it. "Let's watch it?"

She settled down at the couch. "Yeah, that's fine."