--Grey--

Disclaimer: G-Gundam not mine.

Rating: K

a/n: So I watched episode 40 for the first time at 3 in the frickin morning and the material in that episode is just irresistible. Although I'm pretty sure other people have written fics about it, the awesome thing about episode 40 is that it leaves room for soooo many different interpretations. So here's mine.

This is in no way related to the last segment. As I've said before, all of the chapters are different interpretations of the same characters, the same plot line. They can co-exist together, or they can be considered AUs of each other.

As for pairings . . . isn't it obvious? I'm an avid DomonxRain supporter.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When he first met Allenby, it was safe to say that he had been delighted. Here was a girl whose sole mode of expression was through her fists, and whose ability with her fists rivaled even his, who seemed in all respects to be his female counterpart. She was cheerful, adventurous, and best of all, he wasn't afraid of losing her. She had saved his hide on more than one account over the course of their fleeting friendship, and she had done whatever he wanted for him, whether that be replicating George's Rose Hurricane attack or simply scouting out his next opponent. Up until that point, he was sure it should've been her.

When he called her back that time on the docks before their tag-team match with Argo and Andrew, he had surprised himself. He really wasn't sure what he had wanted to say. He really didn't know how he felt about her.

When she disappeared, he should have spent longer looking for her. He shouldn't have forgotten about her at the sight of Fuun Saiki, and he shouldn't have abandoned his search for her so early on. If his concern for her was anything more than superficial, he should have done all the things he didn't do and he shouldn't have done all the things he did.

Up until then, he was almost certain it should've been her.

And yet she--

--she wasn't Rain.

It was as simple as that.

Logically, it should've been her. They communicated and interacted well together, they were comfortable together. She was everything he could have hoped for--wasn't she?

But since when was the world ever logical, really? Since when was it logical to have giant metal monstrosities duke it out in the ring of the Earth, laying waste to the very matrix from which humanity had sprung, all for the outcome of one dictator of all space? Since when was it logical to adhere to codes of chivalry and fair play when the very activity these codes were geared towards fanned the coals of a never-ending cycle of bloodthirsty competition, of the overt oppression and distraction of the masses at the hands of a handful of government agents?

Logically, he shouldn't have been so hurt when Rain resigned. Logically, he should have respected her decision instead of taking it personally and burying the pain deep inside his heart, to the deepest, darkest abyss of his soul, where he stored his most personal anguish. Logically, he shouldn't have been so harsh to that Akino when all she tried to do was ready his Gundam for him. Logically, he shouldn't have stood for hours in the rain outside the garage where the Gundam was kept, drenched in thoughts of her.

He remembered the hours before the Gundam fight against Schwarz Bruder, when the Shuffle Alliance had gathered around him. He should have been happy that they had gathered around him as a tribute to their allegiance to him, that he had their support like old times. He should have been overjoyed at the idea of coming so close to his promise of winning all his preliminary matches.

"Did you find Allenby yet?" he rememberedArgo's mild interest when he asked that question.

He remembered the utter shock with which Chibodee, George, Sai Saici, and Argo got to their feet when he told them later, "Rain's no longer with us."

Yes, even then, they knew. Everybody knew.

He had been such a fool.

Allenby was fun and entertaining. She laughed all the time, but it was a one-dimensional laugh that held no meaning. But Rain . . .

Her appeal had been so much deeper, so much more profound. There were no words to describe her. And her smile . . .

Oh, her smile.

Her smile intoxicated people--he had seen it most acutely in Chibodee. Had that been the reason he had pushed her away? Because she had seemed so hard to win, so easy to lose, and because he had been so afraid of losing her that he ironically pushed her away?

His friendship with Allenby had been simple. It was a relief, and not much more. A relief from the way Rain destabilized him when they made eye contact, the way her smile made his heart skip beats, a relief from the way she moved so gracefully and effortlessly. It was torture for him, so uncomfortable and complex and confusing when all he wanted to do was be with her. Rain Mikamura. The woman he had always known, who constantly surprised him without even thinking about it.

He was comfortable with Allenby. And yet, ironically, he had never been so himself with Allenby as he had with Rain. As much as he hated the thought of losing her, as much as he was afraid of trusting her because he had been betrayed and abandoned by everyone else he had trusted--he had never been so himself as he was around Rain. He had never been so himself, but at the same time he had never been so uncomfortable. She made him such a contradiction.

Talk about illogical.

She had seen him at his worst, all the time. He had lashed out at her with his words, with his silence, with all the things he didn't think he'd ever be able to say to her. And yet, every time, she would just smile quietly, a little forlornly and leave to repair his Gundam, blackening her hands with the grease from his Gundam for no reason at all.

Except for once. He hadn't meant to push her to the floor at the hospital lobby--he had meant to shake her off, to sort out his confusion. Why had he gotten so mad at her? Why did he hold her so responsible for Allenby's disappearance? He guessed that it was probably because she had always been the responsible one; she had always been the one to make everything okay even when things were at their worst for him. She had always been able to fix what he had damaged, be it a Gundam or anything else they had encountered.

There was an old adage that Kyoji had taught him when he was young. Something about tolerating imperfections in people you didn't care about, and loathing imperfections in those you did. She had made a mistake that one time. Oh, the irony. The irrationality.

When he heard that she had resigned, he had called her selfish. He would have called her anything to disguise the anguish, the darkness that lay behind the multicolored layers of his soul. When Allenby disappeared, his concern was open--it was on the surface but not anywhere else. When Rain left, the pain was too much to expose to the world. It was deeper, and it ate away at him while he stood drenched in the rain. The rain had been so heavy that day. It synchronized so musically with his churning insides as he had stood in the darkness, waiting and waiting and waiting hopelessly for her to return.

Allenby never had a chance.

Schwarz Bruder. In the fight, he needed to focus on the Neo Germany fighter. He was supposed to, he should have been aware of only him when it came to that match against him. But--it was only after reflecting on the whole ordeal that he could admit this to himself--he had been atrocious in that match. A part was from hiding the pain that festered within him, eating away at the layers of his heart, another was the fact that he wasn't all there. No, he didn't have his other self at the computer outside the ring, fanning the flames of his strength by her mere presence. The crowds had always cheered for him: deafening, enthusiastic, ground-shaking cheers. But he had always only listened for one voice. Always, always.

Hers wasn't there. It was then that he realizedwho it washe was fighting for.

Schwarz had him on the ground, helpless and cornered. He needed to focus only on him. Only on Schwarz, only on the pain, only on the fire within that he waited to return. He only needed to focus on Schwarz.

"Rain!" And somehow, in the midst of all this pseudo-concentration on Schwarz, he found himself again. Somehow, he was able to tear apart his battered pride and scatter it to the winds and stand up and look her in the eye and tell her with his fight against Schwarz all the things he thought he'd never be able to tell her. Somehow he had been able to get away from the bombs unharmed, fueled by the thoughts of Rain,and somehow he was able to leave his cockpit and run to her on the battlefield and to hold her, for that one fleeting moment that lasted always.

Gone was that pestilential pride, gone was the anger, gone was the sorrow. Gone were all the things about himself that he couldn't deal with at the moment in that one brief moment.

Always, always.