Chapter 4:
Poetic Prophecy
One fine day in early January, the author (also known as: "me") was not in any particular mood to go into much detail about the circumstances leading up to the gang actually getting around to writing the next chapter. So, things are going to be rather abrupt. For example:
"Hey, let's type some stuff!" commanded Hermione, in that bossy voice which Ron apparently finds irresistably attractive. There are probably several very complex psychological reasons that Ron felt this way, but, once again, the author is simply not in the correct mood to write about complex psychological reasons. Or anything complex really. He also finds it beyond his ability to actually write in complete sentences some of the time. Anyway.
"Yeah, let's do!" agreed Harry. He decided it was easier to just agree. He figured that Hermione might actually hit him if he tried to resist. Let's face it, she had hit Malfoy in the third movie, and she's gotten loads more rebellious since then.
"Perhaps the word of the chapter should be marshmallow," said Ron. Any deliberation over this would require more effort from the author, and is therefore out of the question.
What is not out of the question is that Harry sat down in the computer chair and began to type the disclaimer and author's note. In fact, this is what he did.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this fanfiction do not reflect the opinions of the authors. Nor would the authors be so bold as to actually claim that they would own these opinions even if they did hold them. Because we all know that J.K. Rowling owns everything. Er. That is to say, J.K. Rowling owns our opinions, she doesn't actually own everything. And I'm not entirely sure that she actually owns our opinions either. She just owns the right to actually publish our opinions. Which is kind of a poor deal. But we make up for it by writing fanfiction.
Author's Note: Right. So. We're gonna right some stuff, which you probably want to read (elsewise you probably wouldn't have gotten quite this far in the story). Thus, proceed.
Ron, Hermione, and Ginny read what Harry had typed. They gaped a bit. Then Ginny said, "Harry, lay off the pot." Or, at any rate, she said whatever the British equivalent of "Harry, lay off the pot" would be. So, probably something more like "Wotcher, Harry, er, cheerio, set down the kettle." Or something. The author is feeling neither particularly British nor particularly coherent at the moment. He apologizes for any inconveniences. But he doesn't apologize very sincerely.
"Yeah, well, I don't feel like typing tonight," Ron announced.
"Why don't you have a go, Ginny?" asked Hermione, because for some reason the author prefers to write about Ginny writing than to write about Hermione writing. For some reason he's under the impression that Ginny has more potential to be witty. The author's kind of strange. But he much prefers the label "unique."
Anyway, Ginny, completely oblivious to the author and his reasons for having her type, began to type. And it turns out that what she began to type about was the whole "seeing ritual" detailed in last chapter. The author was vaguely surprised when he realized that this was what she was going to be typing about, having basically forgotten about the seeing ritual until he reread the previous chapters. This is why the author should not take three months (or however long it's been) hiatuses. But the author is in his sophomore year at college now, and is rather busy.
"So, tonight's the night for the seeeing ritchual?" asked Harry excitedly. One would assume that he was excited about the prospect of finding out who the whore-crushes were, so that he'd be better equipped to make said whore-crushes get all teary-eyed, and thereby render Voldemort mortal. But, as it turns out, the reason that he was excited was that he wanted to see the Dursleys' reaction to Ginny when she showed up
The way the four of them got there was by broomstick because the average fanfiction writer does not seem to keep track of the fact that doing so would break a number of muggle secrecy violations. Either that or the average fanfiction writer assumes that the wizarding world has fallen into complete chaos after the death of Dumbledore. But it hasn't in this fanfiction, because all the characters realize intuitively that since this is fanfiction, Dumbledore probably won't stay dead for long.
It is important at this time to remember that on their way there, Ginny did whatever it was that was described in the last chapter... something about a backwards figure eight and a snitch in her mouth, or something. We would look back to our previous chapter to remember what was going on, but we have discerned from the fact that most fanfiction stories lack internal consistency that looking back at one's previous chapters must be cheating.
Anyway, once they got there, they knocked on Uncle Vernon's door.
"Howdy," said Uncle Vernon, who was wearing a cowboy hat for the occasion. This reaction was quite less dramatic than that for which Harry had hoped. Nonetheless, Uncle Vernon soon stepped aside to make way for Dudley, who was not wearing a cowboy hat but was instead wearing one of Ginny's discount buttons which she gave him at the wedding the previous day. Or whenever it was. Fanfiction writers, I've noticed, rarely take the time to actually remember how long ago any events actually happened in their stories.
Anyway, the button said "Maybe you're a Horcrux!"
When pressed, it answered itself: "Actually, I'm a caffeinated Jack O' Lantern."
Incidentally, Dudley was not in a good mood. He was a man scorned. "Who are you, and what have you done with my marshmallows?"
"What marshmallows?" asked Ron, through a mouthful of marshmallows. Dudley stared at him. "What, I got these from the muggle convenience store. Because fanfiction writers often forget that we are don't buy things from the muggle convenience store, partially because they almost never accept galleons."
"They're in the refrigerator," stated Dudley.
"What are, the galleons?" asked Harry.
"No, the marshmallows," rebutted Dudley.
"Why would you keep marshmallows in a refrigerator?" asked Ginny.
"Because that's where we've got to go put the snitch, remember?" asked Hermione.
"Oh, right," stated Ginny, who then proceeded to go stick the snitch in the Dursley's refrigerator, enabling her to make the following prophecy.
"I can't think of a prophecy," said Ginny. "And we mentioned that it was going to rhyme, and be completely incoherent. And, come to think of it, it should probably contain several spelling errors, as I largely slacked on those, but don't real feel up to going back. You feel up to writing the prophecy, Hermione?" asked Ginny.
"Sure do," said Hermione.."
"The first whore-chrush hastens into dating Harry
Never knowing whether Voldemort is a cherry
Fleeing Den Thomas this one will abscond
Her long flowing hair is probibly blonde
The second one is sort of a prude
If you say anything to her, she'll think that you're lewd
The third one may not even be a girl,
but if he's not then Harry might hurl
Even though the last term probably wasn't British
The second of the whore-crushes also plays Quiddish
And dont think that we've forgotten the fourth whore-crush
Whenever you say the word "death-eater" this one will blush
Now we return back to the first elusive soul holder
(we could have stayed in order but we found this way bolder)
You will find that this won is not quite so brite,
She often forgets to stop her car at a red light
Yes, she drives, in fact her mother's a muggle
And this girl also has a tendency to like to snuggle.
We've given enouf clues for number one, now here's number two
Try as you might, you would never expect that this one would like you
The first one, as we've mentioned, seems to be a boy,
But his name is not, as a matter of fact, Roy.
The fourth one, again, does not like the word "death-eater"
Perhaps you'll know why, whenever you meet 'er.
And as a side note, not a single whore-crush looks like a marshmallow
even though one of them eats way too much jello.
That's all there is in this sacred prophecy,
Now it's time for Harry to go get all kissy.
"That seems like a good place to end the chapter," stated Hermione, once she had finished the prophecy.
"Ok, I'll write an ending author's note," said Harry.
A/N: So, this is shaping up to be... er interesting. Anyway, since it's been so long since we've updated, we've got to give a good prize to anyone who reviews. So... anyone who reviews this chapter gets 10 minutes alone with Ron, no questions asked. Except maybe by Hermione. Who does have a wand. So, you may not want to take too many chances with questionable behaviors, but, still... getting to meet Ron is still a good prize. He's really neat. Or, whatever neat is in British.
A/N from actual author i.e. Gryffindor777 i.e. a rather lazy author: Right... soo... I started this chapter in September, then had to go back and make some changes and finish it. If I've still got any readers after so long away, I'll keep this thing going, as it is still easier to write than my more serious fic. I'm not entirely sure whether this chapter was even funny though, so let me know if you have a chance to review. Thanks! Also, thanks to whoever it was that suggested one of the whorecrushes should be a male... i was looking through the reviews and couldn't find it right away, but if you want credit, message me, and I'll put your pen-name here.