Chapter 5

Summaries and Quidditch

A/N: After getting 9 reviews in one day after not having updated for... several months... I feel that I owe you reviewers another quick update. I can do this because I'm still on Christmas break, and that means that the most pressing things I have to do include procrastinating from actually reviewing for the Latin class I'm taking next semester, and playing computer games... So, here we go.

The day after writing the previous chapter, all of the characters gathered once again in the computer room. Just to clarify an inconsistency from the previous chapter, the author would like you to imagine that although the author is writing in January, the characters should still be understood to be writing during the summer following seventh year. If that didn't make sense to you, please ignore it and move on.

As a sidenote, Ron was also present in the room in spite of some fairly questionable things that happened to him as a result of the previous chapter's review incentive. He was temporarily kidnapped by one ash vault rose garden and was held for several hours before he remembered that he was able to apparate. So, he did that.

Hermione had temporarily considered being appalled at what might have happened to Ron at the hands of the several teenage girls who had spent time with him the previous day, but when she discovred that they got 9 reviews out of it, she decided it was all worth it. Ron, on the whole, disagreed.

Either way, they were about to begin typing the next chapter when Hermione had an epiphany. "You know what?" she asked.

"No," said Ron, truthfully. He seldom knew what.

"We've never written a summary for our fanfiction story!" stated Hermione, in a tone which suggested she found this to be a major problem, on the level of discovering that your pet chipmunk has come to be possessed by the spirit of Dr. Phil. If you're wondering when exactly you got a pet chipmunk, you'll want to speak to Dr. Phil about that.

"So you're saying that our fanfiction story has just been floating out there on the internet without a summary? How will people know what their getting themselves into by opening the link?" asked Ginny, who was clearly also appalled by this piece of news. It is the author's opinion that the teens had found themselves rather bored with the state of world affairs since Voldemort's defeat, and therefore were becoming entirely too worked up over normal everyday problems in order to put a little bit of excitement back into their lives. The author finds this appalling.

"So do you reckon we ought to write a summary then?" asked Harry, getting that gleam in his eyes that he used to get before he would take on a particularly dangerous mission. This turned Ginny on, and she wanted to kiss him then and there. However, she knew her desire would have to wait. They had a summary to write!

"Yes, I think we have no choice," said Hermione conspiratorily. "But how shall we go about doing so?"

"Why don't we look at some summaries other people have put with their stories. Then we can see how it's done," suggested Ginny.

"Sounds dangerous," said Harry. "We may suffer massive brain-cell reduction."

"Yes, but that's a chance that one has to take when reading fanfiction," said Harry.

"Yes, remember Hermione, we are all Gryffindors here!" registered Ron bravely.

"Yeah, you're right," said Hermione, and so, with her breathing tense and her wand in the battle-position, she clicked on the requisite internet links that got her to the first page of summaries on fanfiction dot net. To prevent confusion, the author would like to stress at this point that the following summaries have not actually ever been used, at least to the best of the author's limited knowledge. However, some have been inspired by actual summaries, and sadly none would actually surprise the author. Assume all spelling errors in the summaries or titles are intentional, whether or not they actually are.

Hermione, Harry, Ginny, and Ron were faced with the following rather terrifying advertisements for stories:

1. Mademoisselle Fleur Delacour's Nunnery By: Averytroubledfifthgrader

What happens when 17 year old Fleur Delacour decides to break off all ties with the Wizarding World and open up a convent for veelas who are called to live lives of chastity? Will Voldemort use the Veela-nuns to capture Harry Potter and shove tortoises down his throat? Read to find out!

2. Siriusly Doped UpBy: Probablyacrackaddict

Sirius is on drugs and Remus is the only one who can reach out and touch this troubled man's... soul. But how can he do this when Wormtail is trying to crowd his game? Will Lily Evans help Sirius and Remus hook up?

3. Hermione MalfoyBy: NarcissaLupin

Malfoy has got needs. But then, who doesn't? Hermione always thought that she didn't, but when Malfoy shows her how much of a prude she's being over all these years, she immediately marries him. Will their first child turn out to be Voldemort's sixth Horcrux?

4. This Lily Never WiltsBy: Amonkeywithakeyboard

A story following Lily threw her seven yeers at Hoggwarts, including: finding out that she's a seer, finding out that she's not muggle-born after all, finding out that she's pregnant with Lucius Malfoy's child, and, above all, finding out that shees actually a prinnces.

5. Father of MineBy: apsycopath

Harry goes back in time and falls in love with his own father and becomes his own mother. No slash though, 'cause Harry has a sex change. Not as weird as it sounds. Just read. Seriously. I'm a REALLY good writer! I swear!

6. Harry's Seventh YearBy: jamesweasley

Im know goode at summeries. I also can't speel. Butt my stories pretty good. Reed it, and tell everyone you know to rede it. But don't tell them that it sucks. 'Cause it doesn't.

7. I killed my father?By: JKRowling'sstalker

It turns out that Dumbledore had a child with Professor McGonagall back in... probably the fifties or something. Anyway the kid was Snape. How will Snape find react when he learns he killed his father? Did he really kill him? Is Neville Longbottom really a ferret? Find out!

8. A DiaryBy: Illiterateoddball

Don't read this unless you have explicit written consent by Ginny Weasley herself, otherwise your computer will actually explode. You want to test it? Just click on the link. And don't forget to review.

9. Dumbledore's Field DayBy: baseballplayer

What happens when Dumbledore goes more insane than usual and decides to replace Quidditch with baseball as Hogwarts' official sport? And who's this hot muggle-born baseball player who shows up to teach Ginny how to play? Could it be the author?

10. Harry and Ginny's first anniversaryBy: aromantic

The war's over, and Harry and Ginny have been married for a year. Will Harry be able to find Ginny the perfect gift? Will the perfect gift be a puppy? What kind of puppy? Why do summaries include so many rhetorical questions?

11. Romance at HogwurstBy: alustygentleman

Pairings HPOC GWOC RLNT NLHG RWLL ABCD EFGH. Much Fluffiness, but no slash, at least not until I figure out who AB CD EF and GH are. Rated K+ For mild pregnancy and some suggestive lyrics.

12. A good storyBy: Someone

I can't be held responsible for whatever is in this story, I wrote it while I was on a sugar high. Actually, I didn't even write it. A friend of mine did. And then she fled the country. So, no flames, or I'll hunt you down and poke you with a straw. Or at least flame you back.

13. Harry Potter and the Year of the SerpentBy: ParseltongueMalfoy

We all know that Harry's Parseltongue. But snake? Voldemort plan eat Dobby. Will Harry be able to save Dobby and eat all the Horcruxes in the nick of time? Or else!

The four of them had been taking turns reading the summaries out loud, because this was the only reasonable way the author could think of that they'd all be at the same spot at the same time so that the following dialogue could take place:

"Wait a second," said Harry. "That one doesn't even make coherent sense!"

"Well, none of them actually made a lot of sense," reminded Ginny.

"Yeah, but that one seemed to be missing chunks out of it," said Harry.

"Well, you see, fanfiction dot net only allows a certain number of characters per review" said Hermione, "so I think that some authors simply write as much as they want to, and then just randomly delete words to cut it down to the proper size. I think that that's what we should do, when the time comes to it."

"Sounds good to me," said Ron.

The four teens continued to read some more summaries, but the author is not quite in the mood to think out very many more, so he won't. If the reader is insufficiently entertained by the above summaries, the author would recommend that the reader just go read some more of the summaries on the actual web-page, as some of them are quite amusing.

Either way, after about five more minutes of reading mind-numbing summaries, Harry and his friends found that they were ready to write a summary of their own.

"Okay, so what we've got to make sure to do here to write the most effective summary," said Hermione, "seems to be to do whatever we can to make people read the story. This means writing the most eccentric summary possible, even if some of the things in the summary have not technically been included in the story yet. Let's have a go then."

By a process which the author would feel more comfortable not having to explain, the four of them came up with the following summary.

Harry Potter and the Quest For the Whore CrushesBy: Harryandco

We're not very good at writing summaries. But some interesting stuff will happen during this story. Snape finds out that he's actually Dumbledore in disguise. Some of this was written by Ginny while she was on a sugar-high. Hermione Granger turns out to be born through Snape's illicit affair with McGonagall. Oh, and of course, the whorecrushes have to date Harry. Read and review, but don't flame!

"That's way too long," complained Harry, after it was written. "There's no way that we can get that on the summary page!"

"Don't worry," said Hermione. "Like I said, we can just cut it down, and leave in only the important words. Let's try this."

The new summary read:

We're not very good. But interesting Snape finds Dumbledore high. Hermione turns out to be a whore to date Harry. Review!

"Well..." said Ron, after looking the summary over. "It doesn't actually represent our story accurately at all."

"That's all right, most summaries don't," said Hermione. "And I'm not sure that most people who end up reading stories do so by merit of the summaries. I'm not quite sure how they do decide which stories to read, but that's one of the great mysteries of fanfiction, probably never to be discovered."

"Oh," said Harry. "I'm vaguely disappointed. But not overly so. Anyway, I think that since we've put so much work into writing this summary, we should knock off for the day and play some Quidditch."

"Wait, we've got to write at least a little bit or else no one will review!" said Hermione.

"That'd be such a shame," said Ron, who was beginning to think that Hermione's obsession with reviews was becoming vaguely unhealthy once again. She had, after all, just determined that him being kidnapped by an American teenager was generally worth the nine reviews that the previous review ploy had procured.

At any rate, the three others were about to sneak off and play Quiddtich anyway when Hermione shot them the kind of look that reminded them that if they messed with her, they'd probably end up cursed with hexes that they didn't even know existed. So they helped her come up with the following very short chapter, which shall be uninterrupted by character dialogue on the grounds that it's pretty late at night and the author feels that he really ought to get to sleep but also that he really ought to post this chapter before he goes to bed. Which also explains why there are probably several unintentional typoes in this chapter.

A/N: The following chapter has been written in quite a hurry because several of the authors really want to get outside and play Quidditch. However the other author has a vested interest in putting a new chapter up, and the remaing authors know better than to mess with her. So... enjoy.

One morning Harry realized that it was about time for him to come of age. So, he turned 17 on a day in late July. Nothing interesting happened over the remainder of the summar, accept for an encounter with Fred and George which somehow caused Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and Harry to all attempt to perform the tango on broomsticks at midnight in the air above Hogsmeade. The details of this encounter shall not be thoroughly explained because the time it would take to invent them would be better well spent on broomsticks above the Burrow. Suffice it to say that the immediate cause of the airborn tango was the responsibility of a new product now available at Weasley Wizards' Wheezes for the ridiculously low price of 8 sickles and 7 knuts. (The authors would like to point out that, in addition to their normal roll as fanfiction writers, Ron and Ginny are also now official advertisers for Weasleys' Wizards Wheezes and that the authors do not at all find this to be selling out, as Fred and George pay us in galleons instead of reviews. For those of you who may thing that this is the very definition of selling out, we say only that money talks.)

Anyway, the main point of this chapter will be to get Harry back to school so that he can start looking for the whorecrushes, who are, apparently, the actual focus of this entire story, even though none of them have technically appeared at all during the previous chapters.

So, the month between Harry's birthday and the day that the Hogwarts' Express takes the students back to Hogwarts shall be unapologetically skipped over. On the day of the start of term, there was a very hectic morning. This also will not be delved into to any great degree of specificity, but there are three things that must be said about that morning. First of all, Ron and Hermione got into a very spirited shouting match. The two of them are required by fanfiction custom to get into several fights during any story in which they are a couple, and we've been largely neglecting this convention. Second of all, Mrs. Weasley screamed a whole lot and made a great fool out of herself so that the author could slide in another subtle reference to how much Ginny has in common with her mother. For some reason, fanfiction authors seem to enjoy this. Third of all, approximately two dozen live lemmings were discovered in the Weasley refrigerator playing high-stakes game of twister. This may seem highly irrelevant to the reader at the present moment, but will actually turn out to be a major plot point in later chapters, assuming that the authors remember that they made this promise when they're writing future chapters.

Anyway, soon, after heading to platform 9 3/4 with an escort of anywhere from 3 to 300 Order Members, the trio (oh yeah, and Ginny too) got on the train and found a compartment, meeting up with Neville and Luna, and pretty much everybody from the school, all crammed into that one compartment. Including Blaise, with whom fanfiction writers seem to have an unhealthy obsession.

At this point, before the train pulled away from the station, Harry discoverd that the was wearing one of Ginny's discount badges. The authors have just realized that they neglected to pick a word of the chapter for this chapter, and have decided that "lemming" is the retroactive word of the chapter. Anyway, the baton said "My lemming is orange and Draco's lemming is a prostitute's pet." When pressed, the button said. "Yes, that does mean that I'm calling Draco a prostitute."

At this point, several lemmings hopped onto the foodcart, hijacked it, and drove it to the nearest town. Yes, the lemmings drove the foodcart. They were magic lemmings, and it was a magic foodcart. All of these things may also become major plot points in future chapters, although the authors have no clear idea at present of how exactly that might happen.

Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, Hogwarts came into view almost instantly, allowing virtually no time for conversation and allowing the authors to knock off and play Quidditch.

"Oh fine," said Hermione irritably, when Harry, who had been typing the most recent bit, looked up hopefully. "But we're going to work really hard on next chapter and make sure that it's good. We can't go slacking now."

"Okay, we wouldn't dream of it," said Ron happily as he grabbed his broom and skipped outside (that's right, skipped).

Hermione stayed back to write the ending author's note.

A/N: Er... sorry about the hasty nature of the previous chapter, but the others really wanted to play Quidditch, and it is a very nice day for it. Far be it from me to stand between them and their Quidditch. I'm afraid they find me somewhat bossy as it is. Anyway, we've been instructed by the Weasley twins to distribute free samples of the air-tango-inducing product which was shamelessly promoted during this chapter to anyone who reviews. So, review, and by nightfall, you'll end up doing the tango on your broomstick in the air over Hogsmeade. For those of you who might be considering pointing out that you do not visit Hogsmeade, own a flying broom, or even actually know the tango, i say only: stop being such downers. And review!

A/N: So, that chapter was fairly rushed, but then again, it was also fairly long. I want to put it up now without proofreading it so that I can go to bed and post it as quickly as possible, so some of the typoes above may not be intentional, and there's also really no guarantee that the previous chapter made any sense, or was even humorous. But... it was an attempt, and it was a quick attempt. So... hope you enjoyed it.