Devil on the Doorstep

Well, this is a surprise. I didn't think I'd write anymore… This is just a little songfic vignette in Seth's POV, about being scared.

Devil on the Doorstep; Chapter XXI: Numb

Tired of being who you want me to be

Why is it me?

Feeling so faithless

All my memories are the same.

Lost under the surface

It was why I didn't want Kai to find out the connection between his father and The Phantom of the Abbey.

Don't know what you're expecting of me

I'm only thirty.

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

It's what I've been taught since I can remember

Caught in the undertow

And when you're a quiet person like me, you just go with it.

Just caught in the undertow

Swept along like you're caught in Lake Baikal.

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

As a teenager, I could do nothing right.

Caught in the undertow

Swept along.

Just caught in the undertow

I can't imagine what a normal life would be like.

I've become so numb

Numbness… a brilliant feeling.

I can't feel you there

When you don't care about anyone but yourself.

I've become so tired

But I couldn't do that.

So much more aware

I'm so aware of the Abbey. I guess it stems from living there for thirteen years.

I'm becoming this

And then I was steadily turning into the Phantom.

All I want to do is be more like me

What is me? Who is Seth Hiwatari?

And be less like you

A cruel, sadistic thirty year old?

Can't you see that you're smothering me?

A scared fifteen year old, who can't do anything right?

Holding too tightly

The boy who found out he impregnated a girl at the age of fifteen?

Afraid to lose control

The seventeen year old who cherished his dream of being an actor?

Cause everything that you thought I would be

Or The Phantom of the Abbey, the one that can do nothing?

Has fallen apart right in front of you

I can't have any regrets.

Caught in the undertow

Because, if I said I regretted meeting Bryoni, so she would live, then I wouldn't have Kai.

Just caught in the undertow

But I can't regret Kai.

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Because he's the one that gives me the strength to carry on.

Caught in the undertow

He's one of the only good things that came out of this whole sordid mess.

Just caught in the undertow

The other is two years of freedom.

And every second I waste is more than I can take

I'm congratulated for being such an intense blader.

I've become so numb

But people don't realise that I block out every thought.

I can't feel you there

Every feeling except grief. Like Kai with anger and Bryan with hate, I let grief battle for me.

I've become so tired

And I'm tired of being the Phantom.

So much more aware

I want to be Seth Hiwatari.

I'm becoming this

I can live without all the trappings.

All I want to do is be more like ma

All I want is for Kai and Bryan and Tala and Spencer and Ian to have a proper family.

And be less like you

And I have to give them that position. I have to be all their family.

And I know I may end up failing too

Afraid to fall.

But I know that you were just like me

Because I don't know if I can go on, with betraying them again.

With someone disappointed in you

Disappointed… no, disgusted.

I've become so numb

I've trained myself to become like Bryan and Kai.

I can't feel you there

Thirteen years of loneliness.

I've become so tired

I'm tired of being the scapegoat.

So much more aware

I want to sit back and watch my son surprise the audiences.

I'm becoming this

That is what I am scared of.

All I want to do is be more like me

Not pain or suffering.

And be less like you

Because I can deal with that.

I've become so numb

And I can deal with failure when they are standing behind me.

I can't feel you there

But I am scared of myself.

Tired of being who you want me to be

Scared of letting them down.

I've become so numb

Scared of kindness.

I cant feel you there

Because I am not kind.

Tired of being who you want me to be

I am the Phantom.

-

I don't know where that came from… one minute, I was typing up the third chapter of Sixteen Candles, the next I was thinking 'Let's write another chapter'. I know it doesn't really fit in, but I couldn't do it as anything separate, because it doesn't have too much to do with anything except Seth… So… hope you liked it, and look out for Sixteen Candles!