Moment
You don't know what to do anymore, do you?
He always smelled of blood, sweat, and dirt. That was the first thing she noticed. It was the first thing about him that stirred the feeling deep within her body. It caused her heart to quicken and her skin to heat up. At first she thought nothing of it, but as the years passed and she grew older, she knew what the feelings meant.
It had all happened so quickly, as most important things in life. She smiled wryly. Her hand clutched to her side, and she could still feel the hot, sticky blood pour out of the wound.
You deserve it. You deserve worse.
Sesshoumaru was so different. His body was clean, too clean, and he always smelled as fresh as the morning. It was never what she wanted, but she gave in to him anyway.
Because you felt obligated to him, just because he saved your life? You little whore.
She never meant for it to end like this. She just couldn't help herself, couldn't restrain herself. She fought a game with her lust, and it won, forcing her to do its bidding.
Forcing you to your knees?
She had only known the man personally for a few days. All she knew prior to that was that he was her Lord's brother. They teamed up, grudgingly, to fight the war with Naraku. Their camp was just outside the palace.
And you couldn't help yourself, could you?
She let go of her side, and the cold outside air made it hurt. She could barely remember how she had gotten out to the courtyard. She was sitting on the stones surrounding the long-dead fountain. The stale water gave off a sickly-sweet smell. She wondered how long it would take.
Smell. That's what got you in this mess.
The first time he came to her, she didn't know what to do. She was in the courtyard, and he came by like a thief in the night. She didn't even hear him approach.
You were so stupid.
She loved everything about him, from his musky scent to his unkempt hair. Just the simple fact that he was a man, not semi-androgynous like her Lord, made her heart beat faster. She could feel the sweat on his skin, his chapped lips running over her breasts, his calloused hands roughly kneading her flesh. He hiked up her skirt and took her right there, out in the open, like some chambermaid whore, but she loved every minute of it.
But you knew it was wrong. You cast your eyes upon every man you saw, and you jumped at the first opportunity.
She touched her side again, and felt that the blood was drying, forming a scab over the wound. She had the urge to cry, but all that escaped her lips was a quiet, guttural sound that only people too far in their sadness can make. It was a sound that the meek made when they were past crying, and nearing the laughter that comes with insanity. Her hand went down to the little sickle-knife that she kept hanging off of her hip. It's weight was comforting.
You didn't think he'd kill you, did you? He barely grazed you. He wants you to live, even though you're worthless now.
She knew that she wasn't going to die. Even in his jealous fit, after he caught them together, he would never do that. But it was the first time he had ever hurt her. It was the first moment she had ever truly feared him.
She heard footsteps approaching and tensed herself up, not ready to face him again, but ready to put on a face of strength and courage.
But it wasn't her Lord that appeared, it was her lover.
Funny how you separate the two, though you've shared both their beds. Surprising that you don't want them both at the same time.
She looked up at him, the desire still coursing through her veins, but now it was stemmed by the pain coming her side, and her heart. He grasped her by the shoulders and pulled her to her feet. He wrapped his arms around her in the way a person would comfort a friend, not the way a man would hold his beloved.
He doesn't love you. Your body, maybe, but not you. You're too young and stupid to understand that, aren't you?
She was suddenly desperate for him to love her, for someone to love her. She had hurt the only man who felt anything for her, and she was sure that their relationship was beyond repair. She grabbed him around the waist, pulling him closer. She felt him tense, and began to kiss his chest, urging him to relax. She sat herself on the ground and pulled him down on top of her.
You love nothing more than to have a man on top of you! You're disgusting!
She tried to take off his red robe, but her young shaking hands wouldn't let her. He removed it himself and he pulled her skirt to her waist.
There you go again…can't you at least be ladylike about it?
She grasped at his back with her nails as he plunged into her. She closed her eyes, and tried to imagine that it was Sesshoumaru who was on top of her, but she couldn't. Her lord was taller, thinner, and more lithe than his brother.
The grass was digging into her back as they moved, and it brought her back to reality. She grasped the sickle-knife that adorned her hip and brought it behind his back, where he couldn't see.
You coward! How could you do this? Stay and face it, don't run away! No wonder he doesn't want you!
His thrusts began to get harder, faster. It began to hurt, began to make her wounded side itch and the scab tear. She put the thin, sharp blade to her wrist.
Don't do it, you stupid girl!
She closed her eyes and pressed the blade down, slicing it down the length of her arm.
How could you!
She switched hands and sliced down her other wrist as well. It was deeper than she expected. She tossed the knife to the side and let her hands cling to his back as best they could. She was already beginning to feel week.
What's wrong with you! What have you done?
Her breathing was growing erratic, but she still kept her hips wrapped him, driving him harder into her. He let his weight fall onto her and she knew he was almost done.
The world was growing darker and she was feeling light headed.
Just a few more seconds…
He pushed in as far as he could and spilled into her. His eyes were still closed. She let her arms fall to the side, and let the blackness sweep in, vaguely wondering what the last moment would be like.
She heard someone calling. Someone far away.
"Rin!"
You stupid girl…you stupid, stupid, girl…
FIN