Evening! I'm off to bed soon. No idea why, but I'm just so tired today :(
People in the middle to upper classes were careful to use titles and family names when speaking to, or about others. No one past the age of childhood used first names unless they were invited to do so.
November 19th, 1843
...
Isabella Swan
After another full week of staying with Lord and Lady Cullen, I was ready to go home.
As much as I grew to love being in the house and enjoying their company, I wanted to be home, with my own bed, and get back to my routine.
Charles was nearly back to full strength, and he, too, wanted to go home.
With Master Edward needing to go back to town, Lady Cullen relented and had traveled with us back to the house with Master Cullen in his carriage and she would be staying the day with us, to make sure that we were well settled. Master Edward would see that we were settled and then take his carriage to town.
Over the last week, he had spent all of his spare time with us, and I was growing especially fond of him, and I think Lady Cullen knew.
She would give my sly looks and strange smiles as I latched on to Master Edward's arm while he walked me about the house and gardens.
Jasper had joined us for dinner one night and between Master Edward being attentive to me and the rest of the Cullen's watching and smiling at me strangely, something did not feel right.
It wasn't until my last night at the large house that things grew uncomfortable, and I asked to speak with Lady Cullen on her own after dinner.
She humored me through my stammering and stuttered words until she put me out of my misery.
"Lady Cullen, what is happening here?" I asked carefully. I did not want to assume anything or upset her.
"Whatever could you mean, Isabella?" Her laugh was high, and she had a sparkle in her eyes that should have calmed me, but it did not.
"The way you are all looking at me and how Master Edward is with me has left me feeling confused." I was also feeling a little frustrated, but I would not tell her that.
"Isabella, I know that I can talk to you like an adult, and I hope that what I say, well, I hope that you will listen like an adult," she said calmly before continuing. "Edward grew up knowing that he was expected to follow his father's footsteps. He married when he found a partner and he fathered two wonderful children, but recently, he has not been happy. You see, he and his late wife, Sarah, did not marry for love and although they had children and they were content, I knew that there was something missing from his life. Until very recently, he has been withdrawn and unhappy, but something happened that made him be like a boy again, he has been happier. That change was you," she said carefully. As I took in her words, my eyes widened considerably.
"Me?" I coughed out as I thought about Master Edward.
"Surely he could not like me, not in that respect? A friend, possibly, I am sure, but not as in a partner, an equal, or love?" I stammered.
"I am positive. I think the only reason why he has not approached you is that you are in mourning for your mother," she smiled happily as I tried not to count the beats of my thundering heart.
"But he cannot think of me like that, I am not like other girls, I am too young, surely, and I do not attend court or wear fancy clothes!" I wailed as I stood up and started to pace in front of the fireplace.
"Dear, calm yourself, please. He knows about everything you have just mentioned, and he does not see these as negatives, he does not care. You are not too young, I assure you, and if there was a possibility that you could return similar feelings, clothes, court, and class would not bother him in the slightest," she replied.
"How could I stand up in court with him, he will be a Lord one day and I am not fit to be a Lady, I assure you of that. I would be an embarrassment to him," I whimpered lightly as I stopped pacing and looked at Lady Cullen. "He would grow to hate me, I know he would. I am one step above a maid, and I would not want to discredit him, despite the pain it would cause my heart," I responded truthfully.
I had never acknowledged it to myself before, I knew that, but I did find him handsome and witty. I also knew it would be a dream to imagine him as mine and I did not dream.
They were pointless and painful.
"Isabella, you said that it would pain your heart, so does that mean that you might feel a small amount of care for him, more than a friend?" she hedged, and I had to think for a moment to fully accept what I was going to say.
"I think so, but I do not know for sure. I am fond of his company, and I think him handsome and, of course, I was pained when he had to go away to town and thought of him often, but yet I still do not know what I feel. I am so confused."
I was upset with myself for feeling the way I was, and I wished so much to be at home, where I was constantly kept busy and had limited time to think.
"Isabella, you may fear that you do not belong in Edward's world but let me tell you what Carlisle's mother told me when I had the very same fears. She said that I may not have felt that I belonged in his world, but I did belong with him, and that is where the difference lies. He does not care for class and situations, he cares for you," she replied with a warm look on her face as she stood up and came to me.
"I once said, not too long ago, that I would like to have you as a daughter, and I think that this is God's way of granting me that wish. If you are willing to humble my poor son and put him out of his misery when the time comes, of course," she whispered emotionally as I felt her arms encircle my waist and pull me in close.
It had been such an age where someone had held me and I was reluctant to let go, but I knew that I must.
I pulled away ever so gently and smiled at Lady Cullen while she wiped her tears.
"I would like to be a worthy daughter, if the time came and if Master Edward chose me, but please do not rest your hopes too high. It will be a long time before I am in a position to accept any offer made by him and it may be that by then, he will have grown tired of waiting, or worse, found someone else, in a better situation." I sniffed as the pain of what I had said sunk in.
Why, all of a sudden, was I overtaken by thoughts of him? I could not understand it.
"I think you are suppressing your thoughts on him because until now, you saw no hope of it coming into fruition." She laughed as if I had spoken my thoughts aloud and maybe I had, but it still hurt to think of him not seeing me other than as a friend.
"I think that I need to go home with Charles and think about what we have talked about. I am finding it hard to even think clearly here," I admitted honestly and sighed with relief when Lady Cullen nodded.
And that was how I found myself making the tea with Lady Cullen and Master Edward as they sat at my now spotless table.
Charles was happy to be home amongst the woodland and to see Master Emmett again and no sooner had the carriage pulled up, he was out through the back door.
"Thank you for having your maids tend to the house," I said as embarrassment flooded through me. Just the thought of how the house had looked when Charles was ill had me cringing in fright.
"It is no matter, Isabella, you had far more serious concerns," Lady Cullen replied honestly, which made me giggle.
"You would not have thought that he was on death's door not two weeks ago, would you?" I asked with humor as I looked out of the window at Charles. He was now running around the small courtyard with a hoop and stick like there was never anything wrong with him.
"Children bounce back quicker than adults, or so I have been told," Master Edward said gently, and I nodded.
I had not yet had a direct conversation with him since Lady Cullen and I talked last night, and I did not know how to approach him now that I knew he liked me. Should I keep our conversations limited, as not to encourage him, or should I let him set the lead and follow in his steps? I was so out of sorts with all of this mess, and I wished that Mamma was here to tell me what to do, or at least have spoken to me in the past about how these matters worked.
"Isabella, you have been steeping that tea for a while, is everything okay?" Lady Cullen's voice cut through my thoughts.
"All is fine, I was just thinking," I smiled as I picked up the teapot and placed it on the table next to the cups.
We drank our tea in near silence, just listening to the laughs from Charles and Master Emmett and before too long, Master Edward stood up and made his apologies.
"I am sorry that I have to leave so soon, but it is a long drive to town in the carriage," he smiled weakly before continuing, "Would you walk me to the door?" he asked, and the nervousness was rolling off him.
I cast a quick eye to Lady Cullen who gave me a swift nod and a smile before I nodded to him.
I was silent as we walked out of the room and down the small hallway to the front door, not knowing what to say or do.
As soon as I reached for the door, he put his hand over mine and when I looked up to his eyes, I saw so much battle deep within them.
"Isabella, I hope you will not be too upset, but Mother and I spoke this morning at great length, and I wanted to convey something to you. I know you are a little scared, but please know that I will not hurt you. All I ask is that maybe in time, when you are ready if you are ready, maybe you could see me as someone who is more than a friend. Or at least wound my heart now and say no," he tried to smile, but the fear creeping into his features masked it.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, thinking over what I needed to say.
"Sir, I am afraid that I will put my heart too deeply into your hands and when the time comes, you will wound it, not because I find you a man who is capable of that, but because I fear you will tire of waiting. I am but sixteen and although I am young, my heart and mind are not. I do not want to open my heart, and have it wounded," I held back a sob as I thought about how much Mamma and Papa loved each other and how much pain she was in when Papa went to heaven.
"Isabella, I will not tire of you, I do not think that is even possible, but if you would like me to keep my distance until you are ready, I shall do so. I do not want to wish to cause you pain," he said somberly as he let go of my hand gently. I wanted to snatch it back up in an instant, but I didn't know how without being too forward.
"Master Edward, I did not say all that I needed to," I smiled softly as I carefully reached for his hand. Once it was in mine, I looked up to his eyes once more and tried to be brave.
"I do not have the words that a fancy education can bring, but I do have a heart and if the time comes when I am out of mourning, I will gladly give it to you to cherish, if you would permit me," I whispered and watched as his face registered what I had said.
The smile that radiated from his face could have lit up the darkest of days.
"You have warmed my heart on this cold winter day, Isabella," he smiled wider as he kissed the back of my hand.
We had little else to say and we both knew the time had come for him to leave, for at least another month. I would miss him terribly now that I was forced to reveal to myself what was in my heart, but there was nothing I could do but hope that he would come back to me.
"Isabella, before I leave, may I ask you another question, a favor, if you will?" he lowered his voice and leaned in a little and I briefly wondered what Lady Cullen would say if she walked out and saw us.
"Yes," I replied quietly.
"Would it be at all possible for you to call me Edward? No Sirs or Masters, just Edward," he whispered conspiratorially, and it made me grin.
"It would be my pleasure … Edward."
Aww. She gets to call him Edward.
Any chance you can let me know some fic recs? E&B, HEA, little to no angst (I cry at the silliest of things). Any feel-good fics?
See you in the morning!