Disclaimer: Not mine as you know.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews and please keep them coming! Oh…a heads up: in this chapter there is the mention of seeing with all your sensing. I am explaining so I don't get any "doesn't make sense" comments. It does make sense—when deep in meditation, when you have let everything go, try it…its amazing. Okay….so with that over with please review okay?

Next Chapter: Christmas presents and more memories to come…though maybe not so pleasant.

Chapter 18

Far Away

It' s the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's, ah, impossible
This kiss, this kiss
Unstoppable
This kiss, this kiss

--Faith Hill

She stared into his eyes, unblinking, waiting for an answer. She could feel the tension all around her. No one seemed to want to answer her. Why couldn't she spend the holiday with her own parents? Why all the fuss? The Headmistress who looked stern only moments ago, features softened as she looked at Hermione.

"Well, Miss Granger. Your parents passed away this past summer."

A small barely audible "oh," was Hermione's reaction. She stared at her hands resting in her lap. In the moments following, the Headmistress sent Draco on his way and excused herself for the night.

Lucius stood there though. His eyes fixed out the window staring into the night and Hermione wondered what such a man was thinking. Lucius pulled a chair up and sat down. He explained to her that he would gather her things early in the morning and she would meet him in his quarters after lunch where they would use the floo. Hermione listened raptly before speaking.

"Is your wife aware I am arriving with you and Draco?"

Lucius looked at her a moment and decided there was no harm in her knowing some of the truth.

"As your parents, my wife passed away this past summer also."

Hermione looked away feeling ashamed as if she had possibly opened up a wound that was not quite healed and poured salt on it.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know," she mumbled. It was strange seeing her like this. It was as if she were far away and searching for her way home. Hermione observed this man, her professor and noticed how he didn't truly seem sad at the mention of his wife's death, but something hung over him…something akin to regret. He was looking out the window again when Hermione placed two fingers on the side of his jaw and pushed his face to look at her. Her eyes searched his with an intense desire for understanding and knowledge.

"But…there was someone else…you have lost someone else…it torments you. I can see it in your eyes."

Lucius stood up. How could she suddenly see him so clearly?

"Get some rest, Miss Granger."

Lucius was almost out of the door when Madame Pomfrey stopped him.

"Be careful with her during the holiday Professor Malfoy. Her memory will return, but not all at once. Slowly, pieces of memory will return. Yours and your son's history with Miss Granger is not pleasant and I do not want her returning in need of a break due to anxiety of any sort is that clear?"

Lucius nodded curtly to the medi-witch. He tried to leave, but the medi-witch stopped him.

"One more thing you should be aware of. With the loss of her memories comes the loss of self…without being so concerned with the self and with the brain no longer being hindered by various memories shaping her views she will see things differently…more clearly if you will." Lucius said nothing as he looked the witch up and down. "Professor Malfoy she may say things that are uncomfortable and rather seer like, but she is not a seer or seeing in anyway as one would. She will simply be seeing what anyone who lets go of attachments and sees with all their senses."

With a curt nod of understanding, Lucius left.

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Her dreams were filled with darkness…suffocating darkness. An impending doom interwove the darkness waking her in a cold sweat. Dreamless sleep potion was out of the question because something might trigger a memory, but nothing had that night. After breakfast, Harry, Ron, and Ginny came to tell her bye before they left for the Hogwarts Express. They were strangers to Hermione. She knew who Harry was…who didn't. Beyond knowing the historical significance of Harry Potter, him and everyone else that came to say goodbye were nothing more than strangers. She wasn't even sure who she was. Would she normally hug them goodbye or would she simply shake their hand? She was a stranger to herself.

It was nearing lunchtime. The castle had been emptied of all the students as none of the few that were there was remaining for the holidays. Hermione had just dressed and was sitting on the bed observing the Gryffindor patch on her robes and the Head Girl pin when Draco walked in. Sometime during the night, it was decided that Draco would floo home with his father and Hermione. It was safer that way. From the doorway, he watched her run her fingers over the Gryffindor patch and Head Girl badge before walking in.

"Headmistress McGonagall asked me to escort you to the Great Hall for lunch."

Hermione looked the blonde boy over and nodded. She stood, tossing her robes on leaving them open. She followed Draco through the corridors hoping to see something that seemed familiar. There was nothing. Ahead of her, Draco kept turning to make sure she was still there. Yes, he was hateful to her for all these years, but knowing how his father had felt when his father was his age and seeing the blank stare of lack of recognitions on her face prevented any acts of contempt. He may be a Slytherin and he may be a Death Eater, though not really by choice, but he was still human.

He waited for her to catch up before entering the Great Hall. As they stepped through the door, Hermione noticed there was only one table set up as most people had left the school already. All eyes were on her as she walked in. Draco had the feeling she was on the verge of trying to hide behind him. Lucius' eyes penetrated her in a way none of the other professors sitting at the table did. Instinctively, her hand reached out and grabbed Draco's arm.

Draco turned his head around slightly to look at her and then where she had grabbed his arm. She began to wonder if this was something abnormal for her. Her eyes were pleading and Draco could say nothing. He led her to her seat across from his father. Tentatively she sat down. Placing her napkin in her lap, she glanced around the table. There was the occasional sympathetic smile from professors that obviously knew her, but she had no idea who they were.

Across from her, Lucius observed her as he ate his lunch and spoke a word here and there to his son or other professors. His eyes seemed to keep their watch on her though. She was pale; her eyes appeared sunken; she looked withered and worn as someone who spent an entire night without sleep. She was eating though…that was something she had not been doing a lot.

"Did you sleep well last night, Miss Granger?"

Hermione eyes lifted from her plate and looked toward Draco who was simply looking between her and his father. Hermione's eyes felt stuck on Lucius. She swallowed her food and looked away before speaking very softly.

"Yes, just fine thanks."

Lucius looked her over and she had the feeling he knew better. Instead, he raised an eyebrow at her as if asking her if that was the answer she wanted to give.

Lunch was over fairly quickly and Hermione was sent off down the corridor with Lucius and Draco. Once again, she lagged behind observing her surrounding hoping for something to jog her memory. Nothing. By the time they reached Lucius' quarters, she had given up on recognizing anything. She followed them through the door and straight to a fireplace across the room. She watched Draco throw the pinch of floo powder in and say the words sending him home. Lucius and Hermione were left alone in his quarters. The moments of silence stretched out before them.

"It would be best if we flooed together, Miss Granger."

When Lucius finally spoke, Hermione started. Nodding her head, she took his proffered hand. In one swift movement, he pulled her into the fireplace and into his arms. When his arms wrapped protectively around her she felt strange warmth. She liked that feeling and at the same time, it was oddly familiar. It was odd to feel such warmth from someone who obviously possessed such a cold demeanor. It didn't matter. Her head lay on his chest and she felt the deep vibration of his voice when he called out "Malfoy Manor."

The moment they stepped out of the turquoise flames, Lucius let go of Hermione. Her eyes searched the opulent drawing room. Lucius watched her as she took a few steps forward farther away from the fireplace. In the middle of the drawing room, in the center of a rug, she looked around her. Lucius knew what she was doing.

"Nothing here inside the manor will seem familiar. This is your first visit."

Her eyes fell to her feet. Lucius looked around the room; Draco was nowhere to be found.

"Follow me Miss Granger. I will show you your room."

Hermione followed Lucius up the grand curving staircase. Her eyes absorbed everything around her from the mahogany banister intertwined with holly for the Christmas season to the portraits lining the walls. He walked her passed two sets of double doors before stopping at the third set. Opening both door in one swift smooth movement he stepped aside allowing Hermione to enter.

She stepped into pure magnificence. The furnishings were made of the best ebony one could find and the décor gave the illusion of royalty in its deep blues and sprinklings of silver. Lucius stepped in the room after Hermione observing her reaction to the room. She was enthralled, he knew that look from his seventh year.

As her eyes traveled every inch of the room, she noticed the double French doors across the room. Slowly she opened the doors and stepped out onto a balcony that over looked the grounds behind Malfoy Manor. She leaned slightly against the small half wall and looked down, noticing the ivy crawling up the wall of the manor and the outside of this small wall of the balcony. Turning back around to enter back into her room she noticed two more sets of French doors to her left.

"My room is next to yours and Draco is on the other side of mine. I do so hope the proximity of our rooms is not a problem."

Hermione's eyes landed on Lucius' doors and then back to Lucius.

"Something tells me if I could remember anything at all that I would prefer the close proximity."

Lucius looked down his nose at her processing what she just inferred.

"Indeed?"

He stepped back into the room and strode across the room. He paused in the doorway to inform her when dinner would be served. Hermione stood just inside the French doors listening to the fading sound of Lucius' feet on the hardwood floors. She knew he was her professor and a fellow students' father, but what she didn't know was why she felt this strange pull toward him…as if history could never be truly forgotten.

As she stood there thinking…contemplating who she was and where she fit in with these Malfoys, she realized how tired her body felt. She felt so drained…as if sleep were an oddity of her life. She slowly drug herself to the bed. Climbing on top of the covers, she curled up in a ball and slowly the world faded around her.

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The darkness was suffocating her. She felt it closing in cutting off her air. She plunged forward desperate for some indication of light. She found it ahead in the shape of a candle light. It was her salvation. She moved forward. The light grew larger as she approached the image. She stopped. The darkness surrounded her hiding anything and everything, except this one image. She stared in wonder and fascination at an image of herself…an image that seemed composed of memories emerging from the darkness. She stood before a mirror. It was a mirror she knew from her studies…the Mirror of Erised. This image of herself stared into the mirror…and in the mirror was Professor Malfoy. The light changed suddenly and Hermione was staring at the image of herself again studying while a seventeen-year-old Professor Malfoy watched her.

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Lucius sat at the dining room table eating and waiting for his son to retrieve Miss Granger.

"Was it wise of Headmistress McGonagall to send the girl with you? What if the Dark Lord discovers your…guest?"

Lucius surveyed his other houseguest.

"Unless you plan on informing the Dark Lord of the Mudblood's presence in this manor, I see no problems."

His guest sneered slightly at him.

"I could tell him, Lucius, but at what gain? I am not your secret keeper. I would be unable to disclose your location properly."

Lucius nodded his head as if in agreement. They heard the footsteps before Draco walked in followed by Hermione. Lucius observed her as Draco held out a chair for her, just as he was raised to do. She sat on Lucius' right, directly across from his other guest. Hermione took in this strange man across the table from her. His black hair hung in a greasy looking sheet, casting parts of his face in shadow. He appeared to posses a permanent scowl that made him look much older than he truly was.

"Miss Granger, this is a guest we will entertain for the holidays."

Lucius' voice broke her thoughts. Turning her head to Lucius, she listened to his introduction.

"This is Severus Snape."

Lucius watched, waiting for any sign of recognition from the girl. There was none. She simply turned her head to look straight at Severus and blinked.

"You know me," she asked him.

Severus sneered at her and mumbled in response.

"Unfortunately, yes I do."

Hermione looked him up and down and then looked to Lucius and Draco. As she stared down into her plate, they heard her soft sad whispering voice.

"Whatever it is I have done to you I apologize, Mister Snape." Her eyes looked up to Severus who sat there stunned and frozen to his seat. "I must have been just awful to you for you to hold such contempt."

Severus stared at her. What had she truly done in order for him to hate her so? The silence in the dining room was finally broken when Draco picked up his fork and began eating. He knew Severus would not respond.

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They were served tea in the drawing room. Hermione sat before the fireplace, book in lap, staring into the fire wondering what she would normally be doing. She felt so…lost. Lucius sat on the other side of the sofa with a book, reading. Severus paced around the room with a book, obviously searching for something, and stopping occasionally to sip his tea that sat on a side table. Draco quietly worked on his chess game.

Hermione was shaken out of her reverie when Draco stood and bid everyone a goodnight. As he disappeared from the drawing room, Severus continued his pacing research and Hermione turned to Lucius.

"Professor Malfoy?"

Lucius looked up from his book and found Hermione's eyes. Hermione hesitated unsure whether to continue. She swallowed the lump in her throat and continued.

"I believe I may have regained a memory while I slept before dinner, but I don't understand all of it."

"Indeed?"

The sound of Severus' feet pacing on the floor stopped and one could hear the slight scrape noise of the teacup being lifted from its saucer.

"Why would I see you inside the Mirror of Erised?"

The only sound was that of Severus choking on his tea. Lucius slowly turned and looked at Severus in such a way that Severus' only response was to lift on eyebrow and proceed to excuse himself for the evening.

The silence of the room hung around them. Lucius had no idea he was what she saw when she looked into the mirror at the cabin. He knew that if her memory was complete and she was herself, she would never have admitted that to him. A strange sensation washed over Lucius as he just sat there, unsure how to respond.

Accepting the fact that she was not receiving an answer from him, she turned her gaze to the fire.

"There was also something else."

Lucius was unsure if he wanted to know or not, but the need to know kept him in his seat listening.

"I saw a memory of us, but it was different. We were the same age and it just doesn't make sense…"

She heard Lucius' deep inhale.

"Miss Granger, you had a mishap with a time turner and found yourself in my seventh year for just a bit."

Slowly, she turned and looked at Lucius. He noticed it in her eyes…recognition. It wasn't a normal recognition, as if she suddenly knew who he was, but something different…something deeper. He looked away feeling as if she were invading his soul.

"It's me," she whispered.

The fire in the fireplace crackled.

"I said there was someone else you lost…it was me wasn't it?"

She could feel the heat and tension radiating from Lucius. He refused to look at her, looking down his nose at the floor in front of him instead. Hermione grew frustrated at Lucius not bothering to look at her. She wondered briefly, what she would normally do, but decided that did not matter now.

Sliding off the sofa, she knelt down on the floor, in front of Lucius. He looked down his nose at her, surveying her as she tentatively inched forward between his legs. Her eyes looked up into his.

"Miss Granger, you cannot lose what you do not have. I was aware from the moment you landed in my life in my past that you would be returning to your own time. I befriended you knowing you would leave."

Hermione's eyes narrowed as they penetrated his icy grays.

"Befriended," she asked. "The memories I had were of you watching me. Your eyes still had their icy appearance, but a warmth and longing swam in them."

Lucius tried to remind himself of what Madame Pomfrey had warned him about. He was aware she could possibly say some things…things that could make him uncomfortable. She inched closer.

She is not herself, Lucius...

Her hands gently rested on his knees.

She is not herself…

Head cocked to the side slightly, her eyes traveled to his lips.

She is not herself, Lucius…She is not herself….

She inched forward. The feel of her hands gently sliding up his thigh to his waist sent shivers through his body.

She is most definitely not herself...

Unconsciously, she gently licked her lips. Her chest heaved.

Don't let her do it, Lucius...The Mudblood is not herself…

She leaned up, unsure of herself, like a child on a bicycle for the first time. When her lips touched Lucius', he thought he was going to bust. Never had he experienced something so sensual and yet so innocently naïve at the same time. His pent up emotions about her overwhelmed him…feeling he held deep inside himself, hidden since his own seventh year. He could feel his entire body shake and knew she had to feel it too. Hermione meant for it to just be a quick kiss and that was all, but she underestimated everything Lucius kept hidden for so long. His body seemed to quiver under the touch of her lips. His shaking hands reached out and grabbed her face, keeping her lips on his. His lips moved with more maturity than Hermione's…with more depth of emotion and longing…slowly and sensually.

It was the sound of a whimpering, weak, exhale from Hermione that brought Lucius to reality.

What the bloody hell are you doing?

He begrudgingly pulled away.

"I am terribly sorry Miss Granger….I should not have done that."

His voice wavered in a way that filled him with a certain amount of shame…shame at his own weakness. His eyes could not leave hers. They were wide and full of recognition and knowledge. Her cheeks were slightly flushed as she spoke as if he had not said a word, as if Lucius Malfoy had not just apologized to her.

"That's it," she said. "It wasn't me that you lost…it was yourself."