Title: Realizations
It Don't Matter
Author: The Lady of Shadows
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Pairings: McShep
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing! SGA and the song this is based off of belongs to their respective owners!
Warnings: Emotional Angst
Realizations
It Don't Matter
John paused, looking out the window at the night sky and sighed. At one point it was not just him who walked this corridor and paused at this window for the spectacular view. At one point in time, he and Rodney walked down this quiet hallway together. John closed his eyes and smiled softly at the memories this view invoked. He remembered when he and Rodney first explored this area of the city together. They had quickly realized that this living area was for family and couples. Both had dreamt of a time when they could one day reveal their relationship to the public. When they wouldn't have to hide their relationship due to don't ask, don't tell, he remembered how Rodney had wrapped his arms around him and they stared out this window for the first time.
John turned away from the window and the bittersweet memory, continuing on to his and Rodney's quarters. The door slid open at his command and he stepped in. It was empty again. Just like yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that. John chuckled bitterly, it had been a while since both of them had been home together at the same time and awake. Rodney was, once again still in his labs, working on whatever project it was that had caught his attention this time. John had stopped trying to get Rodney out of the lab a long time ago. It seemed that nothing he did anymore worked.
He looked around at their quarters. They were quite nice, far enough away from the labs to be quiet and peaceful. John slumped down onto their couch, looking at the possessions they had acquired together in the past five years. He remembered the day that don't ask, don't tell was abolished and gay marriages had been made legal in the U.S. They had been so excited, for four years they had hid their relationship, pretending that they had been just best friends and not lovers who were deeply in love with each other. He recalled how Rodney had babbled happily at him once the news had reached Atlantis. That day they had put in the legal forms for their marriage and a request to change quarters. Two weeks later they had moved in as a married couple. They had been so very happy, he wondered when it had all disappeared.
For the first three years, nothing changed, they were together and in love. Together they had survived so much. The day it had begun to change was the day that the linguists had finally found and translated the schematics on how to build ZPMs in the database. John pulled his feet up onto the couch, wrapping his arms around his legs, and laid his head onto his knees. Yes, that was the day it had all changed. They finally had enough energy to last several lifetimes. With the new ZPMs they had gotten everything they had ever dreamed of. They now had consistent access to Earth. No more relying on the Daedulus for supplies, now they could dial Earth and have the supplies sent through the Stargate from SGC.
With the new excess of energy, new systems came online, sending the geek squad into rapturous orgasms. New discoveries were going on everyday which meant that Rodney had started to spend more and more time in the labs and less and less time with John. He took a deep, shaky breath, he missed Rodney. Now-a-days Rodney didn't go off world with the team. He was up every morning bright and early and he came home until lat, averaging 4-5 hours of sleep a night. John smiled bitterly; sure they had everything they ever wanted and more.
He rarely saw Rodney, they were married but he actually saw less of his husband then he did when they were still hiding their relationship from everybody. Rodney no longer wrapped himself around him when they slept; he no longer snuggled up to John as they watched movies. John snarled softly, they haven't actually watched any movies together in a very long time. They had always made a point to eat together in the mess. Talk about what they were doing and what their plans were for the day. Like everything else that slowly tapered off until they didn't do it anymore. They had been married for five years, together for nine years and it didn't matter, John realized. Nothing really mattered if Rodney didn't love him anymore.
John once again looked around their quarters. They had everything and now, he closed his eyes, now he wondered if it wasn't time for him to leave. It would be hard to do because he still loved the sarcastic bastard. It would hurt just like it would if Rodney decided to leave him, not that he hadn't done so mentally already. John took another shaky breath, his decision was made.
Yes it would hurt to leave Rodney but he couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't watch their love slowly die and decay. None of this mattered anymore to John. He got up and began to pack his clothing and his few personal items including the picture taken at their commitment ceremony. When he finished, he headed to the door, one bag slung over his shoulder and a bag clenched in each hand. He paused for a moment and looked at what he was about to leave behind. A line from one of Reba McEntire's songs flashed through his head and he whispered it into the empty room before he left, "Now I know and now I see, nothing matters if you don't love me."
TBC
This fic was inspired by this song:
It Don't Matter
By Reba McEntire
We've got a nice little house on a quiet little street
But it don't matter
A two car garage with a new Cherokee
But it don't matter
Chorus:
Cause we don't ever seem to talk anymore
And you don't hold me like you did before
We've got everything we wanted and more
But now I know and now I see
Nothing matters if you don't love me
We've given 12 precious years of our lives
But it don't matter
And I guess for awhile we were both satisfied
But it don't matter
Chorus
It wouldn't be easy to walk out tonight
But it don't matter
And I know I would miss you if you said goodbye
But it don't matter
Chorus