Title: Realizations
State of Grace
Author: The Lady of Shadows
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Pairings: McShep
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing! SGA and the song this is based off of belongs to their respective owners!
Warnings: Emotional Angst
Realizations
State of Grace
It had been two months since he had left Rodney and it still hurt. He didn't know if it would ever stop hurting. John's lips twisted into a parody of a smile, Rodney hadn't even noticed he had left. John leaned tiredly back into his chair, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He had to stop thinking about Rodney; it wasn't doing him any good. He had paperwork to finish and had a staff meeting with Elizabeth in two hours that he had to prepare for. He put his feeling for Rodney into the back of his mind and got back to his paperwork.
He slowly walked into the conference room, feeling tired and worn down. He smiled cheerfully at Elizabeth and Carson, hiding his weariness and pain behind his customary mask. He made his way to his seat and paused, Rodney was here. He hadn't shown up for a staff meeting in quite a while. John mentally prepared himself; he wasn't going to let anyone see how much Rodney's presence hurt him. He slowly ambled on to his seat just before he reached it, he swayed alarmingly. He felt dizzy and nauseous, he decided he really needed to sit down and took another step toward his seat. He never made it. He distantly heard Elizabeth, Carson, and Rodney call his name just as he collapsed and blacked out.
When John woke up in the infirmary hooked up to an IV drip, he wasn't surprised. In the past two months since he left Rodney, he barely ate or slept. He hadn't taken time to relax and have fun. He didn't see the point. As he looked up at the infirmary ceiling, blinking drowsily, he was once again coming to a realization and a decision. He was killing himself in trying to forget about Rodney. It was kind of hard to do when they worked for the same people in the same city. As long as he remained on Atlantis this cycle of self-abuse would continue. Once Carson had cleared him to leave the infirmary he would tender his resignation and leave Atlantis.
Carson pushed back the curtain separating his bed from the rest of the room. "Ah lad, I see that you're awake. How are you feeling?"
"Tired."
"Not surprised, you have really done a number on yourself, John." Carson stated seriously, "I'm going to have to ground you from active duty for a bit."
John closed his eyes and whispered, "I know."
"John, why did you let yourself get so run down? You've dropped eight pounds you can't afford to lose. Not only that you've exhausted your body by not sleeping properly," Carson questioned worriedly.
John did not answer; he just smiled at him sadly. Carson, realizing that he was not going to get a response, shook his head and sighed. "Alright John, if you don't want to talk about it now, it's all right. You have two weeks bed rest and I'll be monitoring your meals until you've gained back the weight you have lost. I hope you're up to some visitors because you have quite a few people who were worried about you waiting."
Carson pulled back the curtain and motioned for those waiting to come in. Elizabeth, Teyla, Ronon, and Rodney came up beside the bed. Elizabeth smiled down on him and said, "Well, John, you had us worried there. You know John, there is no need to do everything yourself. Lorne is your 2IC, he is there for you to delegate to."
John tightly smiled and nodded. One eye on Rodney, he bitterly wondered why Rodney had even come to see him. Didn't he have some project demanding his attention? Teyla stepped closer, a serene smile gracing her features. "I hope you are feeling better soon, John." Ronon grunted his agreement.
John muttered, "I'm sure I will." He thought, 'Once I leave Atlantis and Rodney behind and return to Earth.'
Rodney glanced at the other four; they nodded and left John and Rodney alone. Rodney stood there for a while, fidgeting under John's stare. "Ummm, I went back to our quarters to get you some fresh clothes and found out they were gone along with all your personnel effects. What's going on John?"
John stared at Rodney in disbelief for a moment then barked out a cracked, bitter laugh. "Rodney, I moved out two months ago."
"Wha . . ."
"Don't tell me, for the past two months you've been catnapping in your lab." John saw the guilt flash through Rodney's eyes. "Thought so," he whispered and closed his eyes, turning away from Rodney.
"You left me!" Rodney stated in disbelief.
"No, Rodney, you left me two years ago. You just didn't move to new rooms. I just corrected your mistake." John murmured into his pillow.
"What do you mean I left you two years ago?" Rodney angrily demanded then screamed, "What?" Rodney listened to the person at the other end of the radio. "I see. I'm on my way. Morons! I'll be back to continue this conversation later John. They urgently need me in the labs."
"Whatever." John muttered, knowing he probably wouldn't see Rodney before he left Atlantis.
He was right, two weeks later John had tendered his resignation under protests from Elizabeth and Stargate Command. John stood firm, he was leaving Atlantis and the Air Force. Elizabeth regarded him quietly as he prepared to leave on the Daedulus. "What about Rodney, John? You're leaving him behind."
A bitter smile flickered across his face, "He won't even notice I'm gone. Just like he didn't notice when I moved out two and a half months ago. He won't notice I'm gone not till he needs me for one of his projects and finds me gone."
"John," Elizabeth whispered sadly.
"If I stay, I'll die here on Atlantis. I'll work myself to death instead of just into Carson's care. I can't stay here anymore."
"What are you going to do now?" she asked softly.
"I'm going to tour the U.S. in an RV. I'll relax and have fun and maybe I'll forget about Rodney," he softly stated.
John adjusted the mirror on his new RV and looked over to make sure the road maps were in easy reach. He pushed play on his CD player, skipping it to track eight. Reba's southern voice filled the cab and he sang along as he drove down the road.
"Grace worked down at Wal-Mart
For 13 years she punched that clock
Been two weeks without a day off
She never gave it too much thought
'Til one morning in the mirror
Two new lines opened her eyes
And suddenly it hit her
She still had the wings to fly
Attention late night shoppers
A two for one on broken chains
Chorus:
That's the state of grace
It's the weak made strong
It's finding what you're missing is right there all along
It's an open road to a better place
It's a life worth living
In the state of grace
Grace cleared out her bank account
Bought a beat-up camper truck
Turned her pink slip into personnel
Then tore her time card up
As she drove away she wondered
What New York City would be like
And would the stars keep you up
On a clear desert night
With a front seat full of road maps
To help her lose her way
That's the state of grace
It's the weak made strong
It's finding what you're missing is right there all along
It's an open road to a better place
It's a life worth living
In the state of grace
Grace knew when she looked up
There wouldn't be a sky
If the dreams we've been given
Weren't supposed to fly
That's the state of grace
It's the weak made strong
It's finding what you're missing is right there all along
It's an open road to a better place
It's a life worth living
In the state of grace"
John knew that one day, he would find his state of grace without Rodney.
TBC