Title: Realizations
I Wouldn't Know
Author: The Lady of Shadows
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Pairings: McShep
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.
Warnings: Slight Angst
Realizations
I Wouldn't Know
Rodney took a deep breath. He was going through the Stargate again with Teyla, Ronon, & Colonel Cadwell. This wasn't going to be a first contact mission. It was a mission to visit old friends. He followed everyone through the gate and arrived at Fraisada. "Come, the Fraisadans are expecting us for the harvest ceremony." Teyla stated and began moving down the dusty road at a fast clip.
Rodney followed the team down the road and wondered if it would be like the last few 'goodwill toward our allies' missions. They'd arrive for some sort of festival and be greeted joyously. Everything would be fine until someone asked that one set of questions. If this continued on, he'd quit going through the Stargate again. No matter how much Elizabeth insisted that he go. These missions hurt too much.
They reminded him of just how idiotic he had been these past couple of years. He'd never thought John would actually leave him and now that John was gone his own inadequacies were rubbed in his face. The only people not giving him disapproving or disappointed looks were the science staff that worked with him. After all they knew that it was just as much their fault as well as Rodney's that John left. They remembered how many times Rodney had actually tried to leave for meals with John or how many times he had tried to leave at a reasonable time so he could spend the evening with his husband. They had all at one point, stopped him. They needed his help with this, what was his opinion on that, and did I fix this right?
Rodney sighed sadly, everyone on his science team were walking around with hang-dog expressions. Especially Radek, Radek had been the one to call him that day in the infirmary. Radek was kicking himself over it, thinking that he should've left Rodney alone and come up with a solution to the problem himself. It may have taken longer but he could've done it. Rodney shook his head sadly; it wasn't just Radek's fault. It was his as well, he should've told Radek to handle it himself. That he was with John and John needed him more then Radek did. Radek would have understood. Rodney snorted softly, hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
Rodney looked up and saw they were almost to the village. Rodney smiled bitterly to himself; he knew what was going to happen know. It would be a repeat of what had happened on every other mission he had gone on. The village elder would warmly greet them then spot Rodney. He or she would then ask him, they always asked him, where John was? How was John doing? Would John be showing up later?
Rodney would always be forced to reply that John was no longer on Atlantis and he didn't know where he was. That he didn't know what John was doing and no, John wouldn't be showing up later. Rodney was getting tired of it. He didn't care about the goodwill missions anymore. At first he couldn't just say this to Elizabeth but now, now he could. He was tired of telling every elder that he wouldn't know how John was doing.
The elder of the village, Washu, came toward them and bowed politely. She arched a brow and turned to Rodney. Rodney closed his eyes briefly, knowing what was coming. "Rawdnay, where is Colonel Sheppard? Is he not coming today?"
Rodney took a deep breath and made a decision. This had to end and there was only one way to do this. Rodney looked directly at Washu and in a callous and uncaring tone as possible said, "I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him. I couldn't say it's been awhile since I last talked to him. I haven't thought about him lately so I wouldn't know. I couldn't care, I couldn't say, I wouldn't know."
Teyla and Ronon looked at him in shocked disbelief but there was no surprise in Colonel Cadwell's eyes. Then again Colonel Cadwell was somewhat of an outsider in Atlantis and he could see what was going on with much clearer eyes. He knew it wasn't just Rodney at fault.
Washu looked deep into Rodney's eyes and saw the pain therein and nodded gently. She would spread the news around the village. They were not to ask Rodney about John. Whatever had split the two men apart was not their business. The people of Fraisada owed Rodney too much. By not asking what happened would be a way of repaying what they owed him.
Rodney saw the decision in her eyes and he nodded to her, grateful for her understanding. The festival continued on, Rodney enjoyed it but still wished John could have been here. He would have enjoyed it greatly. The harvest festival wound to a close and the team said their good-byes. When they arrived back at Atlantis, Rodney went directly to Elizabeth. "We have to talk."
Elizabeth nodded and he and the rest of the team went back with her to her office. "Elizabeth, I will not be going on anymore missions, goodwill or otherwise," he stated firmly.
"Now Rodney . . ."
"No! I have too much to do here to go gallivanting about the galaxy."
"Rodney, you need to get out of the lab. I'm sure your people can handle things while you're gone." Elizabeth stated firmly.
Rodney gave a sharp, bitter laugh, "Elizabeth, if they could handle everything that needs to be done without me, John would never have had a reason to leave."
"Now Rodney, your exaggerating a little," Elizabeth started.
"He is not exaggerating, Dr. Weir," Colonel Cadwell interrupted, a serious look on his face. "I don't get how you people keep on blaming Dr. McKay for Colonel Sheppard leaving when you people are just as at fault. The only one blameless of this entire situation is John Sheppard."
"What do you mean, Colonel?" Teyla asked softly.
"Simple, Dr. McKay's science team has had so many demands placed on them by everyone except Colonel Sheppard that they are being run ragged. Each of the scientists has eight to ten projects going on at the same time. All of the projects have top priority. They all have to be done immediately according to the people who asked for them."
"Wha. . .a . . .t?" Elizabeth stuttered out.
Colonel Cadwell smiled grimly, "Tell her Dr. McKay."
"It is quite simple Elizabeth, each department on Atlantis plus Stargate Command has asked us to do something about certain problems. I have ten projects going that are answers to these problems as does Radek. None of the projects we are currently working on are personal pet projects. They haven't been for the past two years. They are solutions to problems we have been asked to fix," Rodney sighed tiredly.
"Oh," whispered Elizabeth.
"Yes, oh," Rodney bit out sarcastically. "The thing is, as soon as we get one done. Someone else asks for something else. When John originally moved out of our quarters, the demands had actually gotten worse. The reason I did not return to our quarters at night was because I had fallen asleep in the lab at my station while I was working on something for the botanists." Rodney smiled bitterly, "Thus, never noticing that John had left me."
"Rodney, I'm sorry." Elizabeth whispered sadly, "I didn't . . ."
"It doesn't matter anymore, Elizabeth," Rodney interrupted. "What's done is done. All I can do now is move forward." He stood up, "If anybody needs me, I'll be in my lab."
"Colonel," Elizabeth started.
"He's telling the truth. Colonel Sheppard was the only person who didn't ask them for anything. Unfortunately I went over his head and asked for something. I should've realized . . ." Colonel Cadwell sighed and shook his head, "No, it doesn't matter anymore. It is far too late to fix things."
Elizabeth, Teyla, and Ronon nodded, Colonel Cadwell was right. It was now too late to fix things. John was gone and Rodney was immersing himself further into his work, trying to forget all that he had lost. Rodney wasn't the only one who had screwed up. They had too because they had not realized what was really going on. They had lost John and if they weren't careful, they could lose Rodney too.
TBC
I Wouldn't Know
By Reba McEntire
Everyone I see these days still asks me about you
I guess they got so used to us together
They assume that everything is ok
And then I have to say
Chorus
I wouldn't know I haven't seen him
I couldn't say its been awhile
I haven't thought about him lately
So I wouldn't know
I am getting tired of people asking
Why can't they just leave me alone
I couldn't care, I couldn't say, I wouldn't know
I don't get out anymore to our old stompin' grounds
Cause some old friend is bound to ask me why you're not around
I'll just stay away
So I don't have to say
Chorus
I am getting tired of people asking
Why can't they just leave me alone
I couldn't care, I couldn't say, I wouldn't know
Owari