Title:Realizations
Close to Crazy

Author: The Lady of Shadows

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Pairings: McShep

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

Warnings: Angst

Realizations
Close to Crazy

Rodney awoke with a start. He realized that what had awakened him was him reaching out for John and not finding him there. Rodney sat up, thinking the lights on. He sat there for a moment, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He sighed sadly and reached for the picture of him and John on the table by the bed. He chuckled brokenly, he was right near the edge of insanity all thanks to Elizabeth.

She decided she was going to help him. Help him in what way? The only way she could help was to either bring John back to him or help him forget about John. She didn't realize that. she decided that Rodney was working himself to death and maybe he was but he needed his work to help him keep his sanity. Elizabeth decided she needed to go through all the projects that Rodney and his team had going and waded through them. She decided which were priority and which weren't.

Rodney shook his head too little, too late. He had lots of free time now. All that free time unfortunately just left him time to brood over John. He wished he could just forget John. He missed him so damn much, perhaps too much. Two days ago at the mess hall he had been reliving happier times. He had been so immersed in his memories that he had forgot that John was gone.

He had absentmindly turned to where John had usually sat when they were still together and made a sarcastic comment on Kavanaugh's latest stunt and waited for John's response. He had waited only for a moment when he realized that he wasn't going to get a response. He remembered looking up, catching Radek watching him, sorrow shining in his eyes. Rodney knew he needed to let go but try as he might he just couldn't let go.

He knew about the rumors floating around Atlantis. He had overheard two of the new botanists whispering to each other about him. The rumors said that he was going crazy over the loss of John. He chuckled hollowly, he wished he was crazy. If he was then he wouldn't know that John was gone. He also knew that the rumors were pretty close to being true. He was getting closer to crazy everyday.

He sighed again, stroking his finger down the picture of John and him. He once again thought about the reduction in his workload and its consequences. He was now getting out of the lab earlier and therefore getting to bed earlier but it wasn't helping him any. He tended to lay awake in bed for hours before he finally fell asleep. He would, like tonight, sleep for a couple of hours and he would start dreaming of John. He would then instinctively reach out for him, wanting to wrap himself around the warm body of his husband. This action would always cause him to wake up when he couldn't find what he was looking for. After he had woken up he would just lie there in bed until morning, waiting to go to work.

Rodney shook his head, Elizabeth and the rest were trying to help him but all they were doing was making it worse. He needed his work. As long as he could lose himself in the beauty of solving equations or figuring out how some piece of Ancient equipment worked, he would be fine. Eventually. Yes, eventually he would be fine. Eventually he'd stop missing John and everything . . . would be . . . perfectly fine.

owari

Close to Crazy
by Reba McEntire

I still reach for you
In the middle of my dreams each night
But my arms come up empty everytime
And lately I talk to your memory
More than I should
If I could just forget the past I would
Cause this missing you ain't doing me no good

Chorus:
I'm so close to crazy
Right on the edge
Just one step away from going insane
But I'm not there yet
If I could just lose my mind
I wouldn't know we're through
But this close to crazy
Is far from over you

Today I caught myself
Reliving how it used to be
At a table for two just you and me
But talking to an empty chair and laughing right out loud
Turned everybody's head and left no doubt
I'm a broken woman close to breaking down

Chorus

But this close to crazy
Is far from over you
I still reach for you
In the middle of my dreams each night