Draco: My gosh its been a long time since you've written. My potential love for Hermione just about left me.

Hermione: No one stops loving me. Stop lying.

Draco: I mean, the cobwebs were forming, the dust was piling, and my obsession with this one girl-

Hermione: I'm telling you, she was a man.

Draco: No she wasn't! At least I never made out with Ron.

Hermione: Well neither have I, so we're even.

Me: I should've started writing earlier.

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Author's Apology: I know apologies are corny and everything, but I have to apologize to all the reader's who love the story and put it on their list and threw confetti every time I updated. If anyone ever takes the time to read the bio, I was having computer problems. My dad just had to wait to get a cheap computer, which took about a month. A virus infected the other one, and it wouldn't go back to normal, so that was a huge upset for me. I tried to get in a chapter, but all my work was on the other computer, and trying to remember with a case of writer's block was horrible. But I updated. I hope it's not as rusty as I think it is. My weekly, and sometimes every two weeks update will start to go up now. Frifri, I will thank people individually next chapter again. Check my bio on the current condition of my fic if I don't update regulary.

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Wow, mornings were horrible.

No, it wasn't just the morning breath, the laziness, or the weird positions I couldn't get out of until I was fully conscious that ruined everything. The fact that I usually hurt myself in some way wasn't it either. Not even the necessary chore of taking the frizz of my hair was it. In fact, nothing like all of the above described the present day I just woke up in.

It was the fact that I had bushes growing out of my ears, I couldn't feel my elbows (not out of numbness), my teeth were decaying yellow, and I had a T-shirt that was stuck to me that said "I do WAY more than just study with boys" in bright pink letters. The general queasiness that followed the initial shock wasn't helping either.

Plus, I missed my first class. My alarm was set for nine instead of six thirty like it usually was. My clock was a form of survival for me, because I would never get up on time unless I had an alarm.

Whoever did this to me is undeniably someone clever with a lot of time on their hands. I might even go as far as calling them a stalker. My window was charmed to put someone in an awkward position if they wanted to harm me, and my door was magically sealed for my own benefit.

Figuring out who did it, however, was impossible considering I was too mad to think straight and my attention was more focused on trying to get to the hospital wing undetected.

I looked at the clock again.

Class change should be finished. The only other person I could possibly run into was Neville, poor guy, who usually gets his books taken by third year Slytherins around this time.

It was now or never.

I grabbed my cloak and made a mad dash to the portrait hole. The whole time, the hairs on my neck were going up. I was being followed. It was most likely by my stalker who's probably trying to see the effect of whatever happened to me. I could've sworn I saw two figures behind a statue when I ran into…

Blaise and Draco.

Well, at least I can rule out the probability that they secretly don't want to kill, torture, or creatively want to cause each other's mysterious disappearance anymore. I think my present and very annoying problem got them close enough together to have a sleepover.

"What happened?" they asked in unison.

Never mind the sleepover. If they're talking in unison, they're going to buy a house next to each other and name their kids after each other as well.

"Temporary glitch in my wardrobe," I answered sheepishly, throwing my arms up, which was a mistake. My cloak went flying along with them.

Draco looked mildly surprised, but quickly covered it up with amusement. "I didn't know you had a shirt like that."

I rolled my eyes. I should try not to be so spastic next time.

"You apparently had a temporary glitch with your ear wax as well," said Blaise pointing to the bushes sprouting from my ears.

"Hey look, a flower," announced Draco while picking the flower from my ear while snickering almost violently.

"Ow!"

"Sorry."

"Honestly you two can be so insensitive," I shaking my head and putting the cloak back on in a huff. "I suppose you two had nothing to do with this?"

"No," they said in unison again with Blaise looking awfully guilty.

I eyed them and decided to deal with it later. My anger should be directed towards finding the person who did this.

I wrapped my cloak tighter around myself and pushed passed them.

Boys will be boys.

Well, if whoever pulled this is a boy, they won't be a boy for much longer.

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Newly rejuvenated and bush free, I entered the Great Hall and looked around for any sign of weirdness. Lets see. Tables in place, no professors here, Harry is in his seat, Draco is trying not to laugh at me, Blaise looks like hell, and Lavender was complaining about gaining a pound.

Out of the current list, two things weren't common in the Great Hall. There weren't any professors here and Blaise looked like hell. He's a very decent looking guy who takes care of his hair like he would his son, so naturally you'd think that he'd look good everyday. But right now, his hair looked like Harry's, his uniform had little rips here and there, and he wasn't touching his food. If I remember correctly, guys almost never watch their weight unless it's at an unhealthy amount.

Suddenly, someone yanked me down in my seat.

"You were about to walk past your seat," said Harry jokingly.

I looked at him and started ranting about my morning. Harry looked at me like I just told him that Draco wanted to go out with him.

"You're not serious."

"Oh, I am," I replied, getting back to my earlier anger. "Someone is really trying to be the next Weasley twins."

""AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

I looked back to see who screamed.

Pansy was holding a mirror and shielding her face from my view.

Harry looked slightly mischievous. "Hey Pansy!"

"Huh," she said turning with a confused look on her face.

Harry burst out laughing followed shortly by the rest of the Hall. Pansy really did look like a pug. Her face was scrunched in, her eyes were rounder than normal, and her fur DID NOT match her outfit by the way.

Unfortunately, Pansy heard Harry laughing.

"You did this, Potter. I'll get you. I'll get-"

"Silencio."

Pansy's mouth shut immediately. She opened it up again to not hear any sound coming out of her mouth. Who shot the curse?

I grabbed Harry's arm to get his attention, but he strangely felt like Hedwig.

"Harry why do you have- oh my gosh!"

"What?" he asked distracted.

"You're a barn owl."

"I'm a WHAT?"

"Hey, Potter looks like an owl!"

He turned towards the Ravenclaw table. "WHAT?"

He quickly took my purse and took a mirror out. You know, I find it kind of weird that he knows where things are in my purse.

"WHAT?"

He quickly walked out and turned in the direction of the hospital wing. How was this happening? People don't automatically turn into animals on their own. And I doubt anyone was an animagus. I sat back down and looked at the first year that was sitting next to me. He looked like he was going to be sick. Just then, he burped up a hairball and quickly covered his mouth. He then took a sip of his drink. A few seconds later, he burped up another hairball.

The drinks!

That's it!

I took Harry's drink and smelled it.

Yep, it's definitely a potion.

Someone is really up to something.

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I walked into Defense against the Dark Arts completely on my guard. So far, I have dodged slime balls, fire breathing armor, a couple of charms and curses, two cupcakes, and a slightly pissed Professor Flitwick. He didn't smell too nice when I passed him and he had a stern look that kind of reminded me of Professor McGonagall.

Even worse, I have to endure the likes of the Professor Harpenger;swell…likes.

"Okay, since I'm hungry and I got relocated to this classroom, all of you will just open your books and read chapters 20-25. I want a scroll of parchment on the material by next Wednesday!"

Every ones jaw got abnormally large after the instructions.

"What?" the professor asked with a suspiciously venomous tone. "Continue you idiotic excuses for students!"

Everyone promptly got their books out and started or pretended to read.

I looked at Mrs.Harpenger a little more carefully. She didn't have the girly and slightly annoying presence about her today. What is it? I wonder if Flitwick got the cure for the smell.

I shouldn't be getting off subject.

Although, he did a perfect imitation of…McGonagall.

That's it!

The staff doesn't have the same attitude as they usually do. I could've sworn I heard Dumbledore say something about throwing Blaise to the dogs or lions or something like that. Also, Professor McGonagall told me that my love life was as tedious as my favorite book. That's something Trelawny would say to me. Hagrid even dressed nice today (no offense, I love the guy)!

It couldn't be Polyjuice potions. Snape hid the stash somewhere where no one but him could get into. It couldn't be a Death Eater attack either, thank the goodness of Mother Earth. Half the populations would be dead if that was it. What could it be?

I had to research.

But since Snape appears to be teaching the class, getting out would be impossible unless I injured myself to the point of tears or nausea. Plus, I don't really want to inflict harm on myself.

Haha, Snape looks like a girl.

Wait, he is a girl!

This must be a new concept for him. Although, this does put ProfessorHarpenger in a horrible position. Now Snape knows all about her anatomy.

Haha, Snape is a girl.

"Granger, start reading!"

My book flew open faster than Harry's Firebolt.

Well, I could read all of this in about forty-five minutes, so I might as well do it later. Everything else I have to do is done.

I looked up to see Snape having trouble with the heels he had on. I think the moving of his hips disgusted him slightly as well. In fact, I think everything about himself disgusted him at the moment.

Wait, I have to think it one more time.

Haha, Snape is a girl!

I wonder why the teachers aren't saying anything. Well, they must be worried about the students taking advantage of this slight confusion.

But this was my chance to call out Snape.

I shouldn't.

But I deserve some fun.

Yet I shouldn't.

But he was mean to me first.

"Professor Snape?"

"Yes, you irrta- ahhhhhhhhhh!"

He turned around in a snap like he usually does. Too bad he never did it in heels. The next thing you know, he's on his butt while trying to scream at everyone to shut their mouths. Poor Neville, who was up front, was trying not to look up his skirt, because it was in plain sight of him. I think he misinterpreted the mishap as Snape having a bad cross-dressing accident. Snape then gave some Ravenclaw guy a detention for pointing.

Of course, no one else wanted a detention with having Snape as the possible detention giver, so they shut their mouths promptly but kept smirks on their faces.

"Get that smirk off your face Potter! Five points from Gryffindor."

All the smirks mysteriously disappeared.

But at least I'm satisfied with myself.

He didn't even take points off!

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Granger, for blurting out!"

Damn!

I should really stop acting on impulse.

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The next class I had was Herbology.

Well, not really.

I really had arithmacy, but poor Hagrid had no idea what he was doing.

And I'm really doubting if Flitwick knows much about plants.

He's gotten burned, bitten, licked, and pissed in about thirty minutes. Can't really blame him for the effort.

"So, in conclusion, this flower makes a fine powder that is used in helping patients get over frostbite. And, it doesn't burn, bite, or lick. Now, can anyone tell me what this is, cause, hehe, I really haven't the slightest idea."

I raised my hand on instinct. "Umm, that's just a regular plant used for decoration, sir…er…ma'am."

"Really. Fascinating. Ten points to Gryffindor," he said looking kind of discouraged.

I smiled sympathetically.

Ever since my little stunt, everyone knew about the now famous teacher swap. No one dared to take advantage, however, since the staff was just as capable as expelling their asses out of school in their current state. Snape almost gave little Timmy Denilby, a cute little 1st year Hufflepuff, a stroke and the urge to cry by threatening him using foul words. He then came running to Harry with accusations of Snape being a Death Eater and coming after his family. Harry comforted him, and Neville congratulated Timmy for not crying like he would. Timmy then left with new hope in his heart.

That part was the real tear jerker.

"I really don't know why we have to sit through this," whispered Harry while adjusting his glasses. "So far, we've learned that Professor Sprout's favorite plant likes eating fabric and Flitwick once knew a girl named Jane that told him to stay away from that fern over there."

"The one on Sprout's desk?"

"It has the power to eat your socks and your nose," Harry replied sarcastically.

"Fascinating," I said dully.

"And this one is an OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"

Flitwick immediately started bleeding orange gunk and left for Madame Pomfrey.

Well, Madame Pomfrey was currently Mr. Filch, so Flitwick went to Dumbledore…who is currently Madame Pomfrey.

Confusing and annoying, I know.

And totally smart as well. Someone must have planned this really well. Just an hour ago, Ron started telling Draco he loved him and turned pinker every time he said it. Then his head started to inflate, and that's when he got the clue to leave.

Draco felt very violated after that.

Blaise also started leaking snot, so he left to get it fixed, leaving a very annoyed Filch to his work.

Harry started singing in opera about how he was feeling, and Dumbledore immediately got rid of that one. His feelings could let out important information.

Blaise told me, after he found the cure that he had a sneaking suspicion that the smell he smelled coming from one of the bathroom stalls caused his incident. He also thinks that these are just pranks being pulled.

It had to be pranks.

If it wasn't, someone was completely deranged and didn't have that great of a life.

Who is capable of pulling something this annoying off?

No one felt like eating after that. Most of the students had a bad case of hunger, were majorly pissed off, or were in no mood to do anything but shower. A lot of bad smells filled the hallways from vomiting, stinky B.O. and strange leaks coming from weird parts of someone's body (like their toes). I had a bad case of giggling and having unusual things come out of my mouth. My jaw cracked when a miniature watermelon appear out of nowhere in my mouth.

I was currently waiting for Harry, who actually got hairy and couldn't stop saying the phrase I'm shaggy whenever he talked.

I ran my hand through my hair. I've been checking on it ever since I tried to go down to the kitchens and get something from Dobby personally. My hair caught on fire and started shedding all at the same time. That only lasted for about ten minutes after Pansy, Snape, and a group of Ravenclaws saw me. Blaise attempted to shield me while Draco threw his own fit about how his hair lookedand felt likesomeone took a dump on it.

We both looked at him, and he gave a rather dignified whine.

The door opened.

"Do I have bad hair?" he asked giving me the biggest hug. He squeezed tight enough to kill me before he realized that his anger should be directed somewhere else.

I rolled my eyes and saw very shocking red hair pull back behind a corner. I grabbed Harry's hand and told him to follow me quietly. I turned the corner and saw no one there. I walked a little down the hallway until I came across a turn in the hallway. Left or right, that is the question. Well, left doesn't really have anything to offer. Right, however, had a tapestry hanging within reach.

I walked toward the tapestry and lifted it.

I saw feet.

Then, Harry jerked the whole thing up and we saw the faces of…

The Weasley Twins.

Why hadn't I seen this coming?

Ron was on bed rest because of a freak bucket andflying bunnyaccident (don't ask), and Ginny was in her room intent on avoiding anymore horrible pranks that would be pulled on her.

"You two did everything, DIDN'T YOU!" I asked in my best Molly voice.

"Well-"

"Yes."

"But only-"

"Because-"

"We wanted to announce our arrival-"

"In a rather unique way," they finished in unison.

I hate it when they do that.

"What about the teacher swap?"

"Well, it's our out of body experience potion, on sale in our shop for a rather cheap price if I say so-."

"How does it work?" asked Harry with interest.

"Well, everyone has a secret ambition. It just lets them have an out of body experience for a day…or so," replied Fred.

Well, that should explain why Snape got to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

"Or SO! DO you have any idea what you did today?" I asked fuming.

"Yes, very good work," replied George.

"We've promoted almost every new item in our store."

"ALMOST!"

"Now if you excuse us-."

"We have-."

"Stupefy, stupefy!"

They both fell on the floor. I put them in a full body bind as well, before transporting them to Dumbledore, with Harry pleading for me to let them go.

I was on a mission, and he couldn't stop me.

WhenDumbledore saw them, he had a slight grin on his face but quickly changed it to a stern look when they woke up. He said they were being immature and all this other good stuff that the twins replied with a yes and no sir, and then they were off the hook.

I thought that it wasn't really fair, but they weren't students here, and Dumbledore had a sort of soft spot for them.

And now I can read those pages that Snape assigned us today without being interrupted.

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Draco was nowhere in sight when I entered the workroom.

I started humming to myself and read the whole thing in about an hour. The chapters were longer than I thought. Maybe that's the reason why Snape gave it to us.

I should really start on that essay. I should do half today and do half tomorrow.

I don't have a quill though. My quills had all turned into pigeons and escaped the classroom in a rather vicious manner.

Maybe I could borrow one of Draco's.

I got up and quickly made my way to his desk. There was a letter partly open on his desk. I took a glance at it and found…

Dear Lucius,

The Mudblood-

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Haha, cliffhanger. I know it's kind of mean to leave one after being gone for so long. But, consider this chapter as an early Christmas present. I wasn't going to introduce the Weasley Twins until a couple more chapters, but I've been neglecting this fic. I hope you enjoyed. I did a good bit of foreshadowing who the culprit was at the beginning of the chapter.I tried to make it longer, but there wasn't anything good to add without it seeming extremely childish or irrelevant. Thank you for staying with me!

Draco is back in the next chapter, believe me.