A/N: Big thanks to my faithful reviewers. Hope you'll like the next chapter as well.

TOW Joey and Rachel talk

(Day 53 – seventh week of pregnancy)

Joey thought he might have discovered what he had always run from. It had to be this. He had never been afraid of commitment, of responsibility. He had been afraid of getting so close that someone could hurt him.

Before, girls had cheated on him, had left him – not very often, but it had happened – but it never took more than a beer and a pizza to deal with that. Now, when he had finally allowed himself to get close enough to fall in love, he had his heart smashed into a million pieces.

He had no idea how to deal with that. With her. Maybe Monica was right, maybe he should talk to her. Maybe they could figure it out somehow. After all, Monica had said Rachel was sorry.

Then again, she'd known. They had talked about this exact problem and she had given him a promise – a promise – that he had nothing to be afraid of. That promise had been one of the reasons he had allowed himself to get closer to her than he had ever been with any other girl before.

He drew a shaking breath when the memories of the day she had given him that promise came to him unbidden. It had been the tenth day of their relationship.

(Flashback - day ten)

Joey came home expecting an empty apartment. After ten days of making as much time for each other as they possibly could, they tried to go back to a bit of normalcy, which also involved taking their respective jobs a bit more seriously again. In Rachel's case this meant she had to work late hours to catch up with all the stuff she had neglected lately.

He stepped into the apartment, threw his key on the kitchen counter and leafed through the stack of mail that had been in their mailbox, sorting between his and Rachel's mail. His attention was drawn away from the letters pretty quickly, though, when the lounger turned and revealed a very naked Rachel, only covered by a flimsy silk scarf.

Then she got up slowly, left the scarf on the lounger and slunk over to him.

"You know, I thought that naked Thursdays thing wasn't such a bad idea after all," she purred while running a finger down his chest.

"I'm glad you finally agree," he grinned.

"Then why are you not naked?"

"Just give me a sec," he threw over his shoulder while running for the bathroom.

After taking a quick shower, he found her sitting on the lounger again.

Grinning, he walked over to her and asked, "So, now that I'm naked, what are you planning on doing with me?"

She stood up, turned him around and made him sit down on the lounger. Then she leaned down and kissed him before she said, "I actually have an idea."

He waited for her to make her move, but then she seemed to hesitate.

"What is it, Rach?"

"Will you… uh… let me try something?"

"Of course. What do I have to do?"

"Just… don't move… only if I tell you to."

He was mightily intrigued. Not just because she wanted to take the lead, but because she seemed so insecure about it. He had a vague sense that it might have something to do with the number of women he had been with before. He felt that she was afraid he would compare her to them or something. And although of course, he prided himself on having done everything at least once, his sex life had mostly consisted of fairly basic one-night stands. That wasn't even close to what he had with her.

She started kissing him, caressing him, and his whole line of thinking dissolved into a thick fog of desire.

Turned out what she had planned consisted out of going down on him until he was on the brink of exploding. Then she pulled back, having him groan with frustration. But she made up for that by slowly impaling herself on him. The way she was positioned over him, with him sitting upright and her breasts pressed against his chest, she felt even tighter than usual. Which made it even harder for him to hold back. But when he started to move, to thrust up inside her to increase the sensations, she reminded him that he was supposed to keep still.

He did as being told, still slightly shaking with the desire to just forget about what she wanted, and she started to clench her inner muscles around him. It took all his control and willpower at this point, but he kept perfectly still, wondering if it was possible topass out from excessive arousal. She contracted her muscles again... and again, until he found the release that had been building up inside him for what seemed like forever. He came with a long howling cry and blindly thrust upwards, not even remembering anymore what she had said. Every contraction of her inner walls drew another spasm out of him, another thrust, until he sagged back against the lounger, feeling drained and utterly satisfied.

He leaned his head back with closed eyes and waited until the world stopped spinning. When he opened his eyes again, she had pulled away from him and disposed of the used condom. Then she snuggled into his arms, looking at him intently.

"Thank you," he murmured under still labored breath, looking at her lovingly.

"You don't need to thank me, honey. I never did. It was about time that we made it about you for once."

Her sultry tone had him making a mental note that the next round was going to be about her.

"It was incredible, really. I think I saw stars."

"I think that was the title of the article where I read about it," she smiled.

It felt overwhelmingly good to know that he was the first guy she'd done that with. Only when he realized why that was, his stomach clenched painfully.

"So you didn't do that with… him?"

The soft expression on her face changed to trepidation in a matter of seconds.

"No, Joey. Don't…" Shaking her head she drew a shuddering breath and tried a different approach. "I read it in 'Cosmo' a few days ago and thought I should give it a try."

Trying to chase away the bad vibe he had brought on by his question, he smiled and said, "Remind me never to interrupt you again while reading that magazine."

"Worked out just fine the last time, didn't it?" she gave back lightly, but he saw the uneasiness still lingering in her eyes.

"Yeah, it did."

The memory made both of them smile genuinely, before Rachel seemed to have mustered the courage to finally address the elephant in the room. "Do you want to talk about that, Joey? About… you know… him?"

He sighed and rested his head back against the lounger, looking at the ceiling.

"I don't want to, but I don't think we can dodge that issue forever."

She moved around on his lap, drawing her knees to her chest. He knew she always did that when she felt vulnerable.

"Joey, I know he's your friend and you feel guilty about doing this to him, but Ross and I… we're over."

He shook his head and looked at her steadily.

"I don't think you are. I talked to him the other day. I didn't mention anything about us, but I asked him what he feels about you and he said he's still hoping that you two will get back together eventually."

"He really thinks that?" she asked with wide eyes.

"He still loves you, Rach."

Now she was the one shaking her head determinedly.

"I don't think he does. Ross… he is a bit like a dinosaur, he can't cope with changes. I mean… even two years after his divorce, even knowing Carol was gay, he still tried to get her back somehow, to make things the way they were. I'm like some backup plan for him. Every time one of his relationships fails, he tells himself, 'Oh that's all right, I love Rachel, I'm gonna be back together with her someday anyway.' I mean, yeah… he probably is gonna be mad at you for taking that chance away, but you didn't. Because that chance ceased to exist when he got married to Emily."

That was a connection he hadn't even seen before.

"That was the moment you stopped loving him?"

She contemplated that for a while until she said, "Yeah. Because… you know… I didn't stop loving him for a very… very long time. Ever since Ross and I broke up, I've never said 'I love you' to any other guy. But he loved Emily, he wanted to get married to her, only one year after we broke up. That made me leave my love for him in the past and unlike him, I'm never gonna turn back."

It felt good, reassuring, to know she felt that way, but he knew there was more to his fears than him thinking she might be still in love with Ross.

"Still… I feel guilty, and knowing he wants to get back with you… scares me."

"Why?"

He'd never had been one to hide his feelings, but admitting to this insecurity, to the true reason for his misgivings, was harder than he'd thought it would be.

"Rach, I… can't compete with what you two had going on for years. I'm afraid of losing you to him."

There it was. She responded to that with putting both her hands on his face, looking at him determinedly and seriously.

"Joey, this isn't a competition. Regardless of where Ross still is, I'm not there anymore. You're not gonna lose me to him."

He felt himself believing her. Not just because of the words she'd said, but because he could feel and see that it was the truth.

When he hadn't said something for a while, she pulled her hands away from his face and took his into hers, squeezing them firmly.

"Remember what you promised me that first night?"

"Of course I do," he answered, not quite knowing what she was getting at.

Her gaze holding his steadily, she told him, "That promise is binding for me as well."

(End flashback)

He had believed her. And it had been believable. With a sudden clarity he realized that the thought that she had broken her promise didn't hurt as much as the question why. The question what she might have been missing, what it was he couldn't give her, what he had done wrong. And he found that Monica had been right, there was no other way to find that out than to talk to her about it.

He pushed himself off Monica's couch and slowly made his way out of the apartment and over to his own. He hesitated a while when he stood in front of the door, heavily tempted to just turn around again. With shaking fingers he used his key to let himself in.

The second he stepped through the door, Rachel was at the door to her room. She looked like hell. He could see that she'd cried a lot, that she'd slept in her clothes, or hadn't even slept at all. A fresh bout of pain made his chest constrict and he had to force himself to breathe. Unable and unwilling to take a step into her direction, he just closed the door behind him and leaned his back against it, fixing Rachel with what he hoped was an angry glare.

There they were. Thirty six hours after the last time he'd told her he loved her, he couldn't even bring himself to say 'hi' anymore. It was glaringly obvious that Monica and Chandler were right, there was no way he could keep living with her after what happened.

Rachel took a few tentative steps towards him until she was standing about a step away.

"Joey," she began with a shaking voice, clearly not knowing what to say. "Are you okay?" When he just kept glaring at her, she hurriedly corrected herself. "I mean… I know you're not, how could you be? It's just, Monica said you were… you had…"

"I'll live." He could see how the coldness of his voice made her flinch, but he couldn't help it. It seemed like the only defense he had.

"Joe, I wanted to tell you how terribly sorry I am for what I've done. I wasn't thinking clearly, it just happened and…"

He couldn't believe she was trying to make this into something it wasn't. Into some misstep, some drunken mistake he could just forgive.

"You didn't just sleep with some guy, you slept with Ross."

"Does that make a difference?"

Again he couldn't believe what she was saying. "Of course it does! Do you even realize that this is every fear I ever had about us? That I would never stand a chance against what you two had? That one day, when he feels like it, he would come swooping in, claiming you back?"

Obviously she remembered all the conversations they had about the subject, recalled that her past relationship with Ross was his one sore spot, his one insecurity. He could see her searching for the best way to alleviate his fears, now that she had made them come alive.

"But he didn't get me back, Joey. We're over. We both know that now."

"And you needed to sleep with him to find that out?"

As soon as these words had left his mouth she started to cry and for some reason that made the pain he felt even worse. For a while he was hoping that seeing her suffer would lessen the pain, would feel like justice somehow, but he wasn't looking for revenge, he was looking for an explanation. Something, anything that would make him understand why she had done this to him, to them.

"I never wanted to hurt you, Joey. You have to believe me. I was just so overwhelmed and confused. I know now what I want. I want you, I love you."

He wished it could be this simple. But now he didn't trust her anymore. For years he had tried to figure out what women were talking about when the trust issue came up. He had always thought that there was some elusive moment in a relationship when two people decided that they now trusted each other and that they would never sleep with anyone else again. Now he knew what that really was about. It was about being sure that the one you love is the one person in the world that would never, ever hurt you. It was the thing Rachel made him promise, because she had already experienced a betrayal like this, which made what she did even more inexcusable.

"What happens the next time you're confused, Rachel? Are you gonna run and sleep with Ross then as well? The night before we get married? The day we talk about having a second child? The day we thinking about buying a house, or... or getting a dog?"

She stared at him wide eyed for a few moments and he realized that he might have let his guard down way too much with what he just said, with telling her how much he had wanted for them, how far into the future his dreams had already reached.

Her voice was a broken whisper that started to gain conviction and intensity with every word she said.

"That is so unfair, Joey, you know that. It will never happen again. What do I have to do to prove that to you?"

He actually had to think about that for a moment. But sadly enough, there wasn't one thing he could think of that would've given him back his faith in her. "You don't have to do anything. There was one thing you shouldn't have done."

The indisputable truth of this statement seemed to have taken Rachel's last remaining strength. She pressed her hand over her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut, shaking with suppressed sobs. Just when he thought he couldn't take it anymore, she closed the space between them and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Look, Joey, I know I made a horrible… horrible mistake. I can't believe I did this, knowing myself how much it hurts. And I am so, so sorry. But I love you and I want to raise our child with you."

His body answered to her nearness on an instinctual level and he almost had his arms around her already, when he remembered whose arms she had been in the night before. He put his hands on her shoulders and shoved her away.

"Rachel, can't you understand exactly what I'm feeling right now? I wanted to raise her with you too, I would've loved to. I was really happy about having a baby with you. And I promise, I will be there for you and her as much as possible. But I don't think I'll ever be able to forget what you did to me. To say it with your words, Rachel: this changes everything."

Rachel was openly crying now and he knew he had to get out of there as soon as possible before he started to cry himself.

"You promised you would never hurt me, Joey. This… this hurts so much."

"I expected one thing of you, Rachel. That you'd keep the same promise I made. You broke it first."

She looked into his eyes and maybe she saw there how pointless it was to hope he would just forget and forgive instantaneously, because she suddenly asked, "How long can I stay here?"

He still wasn't sure about making her leave his apartment, his life. But he knew on the other hand that they couldn't live together anymore. It would hurt both of them far too much to be good for anything.

"Rachel, I don't mean to punish you. I'm not gonna make this hard on you or anything. You can stay here as long as you need to find a new place. I'll help you move your stuff. I want to be involved in everything about the baby. But Rach, we…" the words he was about to say almost choked him. "We're over."

tbc

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