TOW the Ultrasound

(Week 12 of pregnancy)

Rachel had moved out of Joey's apartment without his help. Not that he wouldn't have helped, but she hadn't asked. Ross had told her what Joey's reaction had been to hearing she would move in with him, and she couldn't blame him. She tried to picture her reaction if Ross had informed her that Chloe was moving in with him. There was no way she would've thought that it might be only two friends living together. But as it was, it seemed to be her only option. Phoebe had just one bedroom, she couldn't live with Monica because Chandler hated her now, and she didn't have the strength to look for and decorate a new apartment.

For a while she had contemplated just staying at Joey's, but that wasn't a good idea at all. It would be like taking advantage of a generous offer. Besides, staying in the apartment without him was like an especially cruel kind of emotional torture. So four days after they had ended their relationship, she had packed all her things and moved in with Ross. She told Monica over the phone that Joey could now go back to his apartment.

She hadn't seen Joey since the day he told her it was over, and she was grateful for that. The day after the breakup she went to her doctor and had the pregnancy confirmed. The doctor even showed her the baby on the ultrasound, nothing more than a bundle of tissue with a beating heart. Everything seemed to be okay and the doctor had told her to come back four weeks later.

"At the twelfth week the baby is already going to look like a human being. You might want to bring the father."

Three hours after that she had eventually managed to stop crying. She had no idea how to approach him about that. Of course he had said he wanted to be involved and she believed him, but going to him, talking to him, knowing he hated her for what she had done… it seemed like an impossible task.

Her first opportunity to say something came a week after she had moved out. She was at the coffeehouse with Phoebe and Monica, looking through the brochures she had gotten from her doctor and the pregnancy books Phoebe had brought.

"Rach, if you have any questions about pregnancy and giving birth, you can ask me. If you wanna know stuff about taking care of a baby, well, I guess in that case you have to read the books."

"Thanks Pheebs," she had smiled warily. Sometimes she had the impression her friends were happier about her being pregnant than she was. Some of the brochures fluttered to the ground and she dove after them. When she came back up, everyone was suddenly silent.

"Wha… " she started to ask when she saw the reason of the awkward silence standing at the little table, gaping at her.

She wanted to say something, at least a 'Hi' would've been an accomplishment in the situation, but her throat just closed in on itself. Her heart made a painful lurch and her stomach clenched, letting her fear she might be sick. The stupid thing was, if they were giving each other the silent treatment, one of them should just have left, but neither of them seemed capable of doing so. In some totally screwed up way it felt so good to see him again, to know he hadn't completely vanished out of her life.

Phoebe finally defused the awkward situation. "Guys, as fascinating as it is to see you staring at each other, it gets old very fast. So Joey, sit down, and Rachel… you too."

Joey slowly sat down on one of the chairs and Rachel settled back on the couch. Once she had broken eye contact with him, she couldn't bring herself to look up at him again although she could still feel his gaze drilling into her. She took all the books and brochures and stuffed them back into the bag and stood up.

"I've got to go, see you, guys," she mumbled before running out of the coffeehouse.

Phoebe caught up with her two blocks later. "Rachel, do you even know where you want to go? Because this street leads neither to your apartment nor to anywhere… actually. So what is it?"

"Pheebs, you know what it is."

"So you can't even stand to be in one room with him anymore? How is that gonna work out with the whole being parents thing?"

"God, I wish I knew."

"You didn't even tell him about the ultrasound."

"Pheebs, I couldn't even manage to say 'hi', so 'ultrasound' comes, like, ten steps after that."

"But why?"

"When I saw him, all I could think of was that I wanted to crawl into his arms and forget everything that happened. Knowing he doesn't want me to… knowing he… hates me now… Pheebs, I'm sorta glad I managed to breathe, that hurts so much."

"Don't you think he's hurting too?"

"I know he's hurting. That doesn't make it easier."

"Do you think it makes it easier for him, seeing you unable to even communicate with him anymore?"

"No… no, I don't think so."

"So if you feel guilty for hurting him… and I think you should… you are the one who has to make an effort, who has to try not to make him feel worse than he already does. Do you understand that?"

"Yes… yes I do."

"So stop feeling sorry for yourself and start to think about him and – first and foremost – about your baby."

Thinking about that, now, three weeks later, she was still amazed at how pitiless and demanding Phoebe had been. How honest. It had hurt her at first, it had made her think she had lost another friend, because she knew how much Phoebe cared about Joey, but it made her pull herself together. It had been a kick in the ass she obviously needed. She had to stop feeling like the victim here. Because she wasn't.

The next time she had met Joey at the coffeehouse, she had managed a somewhat civilized greeting and they had made it through almost five minutes before Joey gave in to the urge to leave, prompting Phoebe to run after him too. Rachel didn't know what she had said to him, but the third time they met, he asked her how she was feeling, even if it took him at least three attempts to get it out.

It took her four to form a coherent sentence as an answer. Knowing that her time was running out, that she had only ten days left to tell him about the appointment with her doctor, didn't make things easier. Obviously tired of all her trudging around the subject, Monica and Phoebe just stood up and left the coffeehouse with some laughable excuse.

It had been now or never.

She had twisted her hands together in her lap and found it somewhat easier to speak to them instead of speaking to him. "So… uh… Joe, I wanted to tell you that… I have an appointment with my doctor in ten days and I… uh… wanted to ask you if you… might want to come. She says she's gonna make an ultrasound and we could… see the baby… you know. But if you don't want…"

"I'll be there," he answered quickly and she looked up at him, surprised. Her gaze seemed to make him feel insecure and now he was the one taking great interest in his own hands.

"I mean… uhm… if you want me to."

A tiny smile stole onto her lips at that. "Of course I want you to. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't."

He looked up again at her words and this time it felt as if they were really looking at each other again, but she couldn't stand the pain and devastation in his eyes for long, so she cast her eyes downwards again. After rummaging through her purse, she put a yellow post-it on the table.

"This is the address and phone number of my doctor and the date and time of the appointment. See you there, Joey." She had left without looking back at him, feeling not as relieved as she had thought she would be.

And now the day had come, she laid all prepped and legs apart on the examination table and Joey – was late. The moment she thought he had decided not to come at all, he barged into the room, panting heavily.

"I'm sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?"

"No, just me getting naked from the waist down and…" at that moment it occurred to her that she was indeed naked from the waist down, shielded from his eyes only by a thin blanket thrown haphazardly over her knees. Their eyes met and there was no denying that this situation wasn't just awkward, it was ridiculous.

She bit her bottom lip to keep herself from grinning, but when she saw the corner of his mouth twitch, she couldn't help but grin.

"Not that this is a completely unfamiliar situation," she joked and he had to chuckle at that. She was glad they had broken the ice at least a bit.

"So how is living at Ross's going?" Joey asked, taking her by surprise.

Encouraged by the seemingly light mood she answered, "I liked it better with my last roommate."

As soon as these words had left her mouth, she flinched at the fact that this sentence had so much more meaning than she had intended it to. And Joey didn't seem to be in the mood to let that slide.

"Well, wouldn't he be glad to hear that."

"Joey, I …" she started but was interrupted by the doctor coming into the room.

"Hello, Miss Green, nice to see you again," she greeted Rachel cheerfully and sat down at the examination table. "And you are?" she prompted Joey who still lingered near the door, obviously not knowing where his place in all of this was.

"I.. uhm… I'm Joey Tribbiani. The… the father."

Rachel bit her lip at Joey's stammered words. The father. Not the boyfriend, the friend or anything. No. The father. It wasn't even clear to her why that hurt her so much. She knew he hadn't come here because of her, but because of his child. Still, having that so obviously made clear hurt more than she would've thought.

Oblivious to the drama unfolding in front of her, the doctor leafed through Rachel's file.

"Everything is great, your blood test is okay, count of rubella antibodies is okay… well, seems like a by-the-book pregnancy to me," she finished, looking up to Rachel with a friendly smile.

Rachel forced herself to smile back.

"Okay, let's take a look at the little one, shall we?" the doctor went on, and she started to prepare the intra-vaginal ultrasound probe while Rachel tried her best to stop herself from grimacing. She had hoped this time they could make the ultrasound from outside. Even though she willed herself to relax, when the cool surface of the probe touched her, she flinched back.

The doctor smiled up to her. "Relax, Rachel."

And she did. But it wasn't because of what the doctor had said, but because she suddenly felt a comforting presence behind her and a warm, strong hand was placed on her shoulder. She stopped herself from putting her own hand over his, though, like she wanted to. That certainly would've been too much.

Then suddenly, nothing mattered anymore, because a strange sound filled the room, fast, like a pulse racing in one's ears after running. Maybe even faster. And on the monitor she could see it, her child. She didn't even need the doctor to explain what she saw to her, like the first time she had been here. Everything was clearly visible. A complete human being, lying peacefully in her womb, created during one of many nights of passionate lovemaking with the man who stood right behind her. It was a miracle. Their little miracle.

On her peripheral field of awareness she noticed the doctor removing the dreadful probe and smiling at her.

"I'll give you two a minute."

They barely noticed her walking out of the room.

What she did notice was Joey removing his hand from her shoulder, grasping her hand instead while stepping closer to the monitor, which he seemed unable to wrench his eyes off. Just as she was.

"God, that is so amazing," she heard Joey whisper after a while. "It's so strange to think that there is someone in there. A baby…"

It was then she became aware that their hands were tightly clasped together. She hadn't even thought about it before, it had felt so right, so natural.

"Our baby, Joey," she said quietly, while looking down at their intertwined hands.

When she looked up again, she saw that he had turned his head to her. His eyes were brimming with tears and his face was lit up by a profound happiness, the same she felt while looking at the monitor. And she saw something else in his eyes, or better, the lack of something. It was like something had given way inside him, like some impenetrable wall had crumbled, broken down by the tiny person on the screen.

"Yeah, our baby," he whispered while holding her gaze.

"So, do you have any questions?" the doctor's friendly voice invaded their moment, bringing them back to reality.

Joey let go of her hands at once and the loss of contact felt almost physically painful.

"I have," Joey said to her surprise.

"Okay, so why don't you come with me while Ms. Green gets dressed?"

He nodded and after looking at her briefly, he followed the doctor out of the room.

Rachel sighed and after a last look at the monitor before her, climbed off the examination table.

………

"So, Mr. Tribbiani, what is it you want to know?"

Joey cleared his throat uncomfortably and suddenly found the question he wanted to ask rather childish and immature. But since he was already here…

"Is there… anything I can do… to help her, you know?"

The doctor inclined her head a little to the side, her steady, though not unfriendly gaze unsettling him even more.

"I take it you're not in a relationship?" she asked instead of answering his question right away.

He asked himself what might have given it away and shook his head. "No. But I want to be a part of…" he waved his hand, frantically searching for the right word. "…this," he finally said, wondering when the last time had been that he had felt like such an idiot.

"That's good to hear," the doctor said with an approving nod, making him feel a bit more at ease again. "But right now, there's not much you can do. Just… be there for her. Give her the feeling that you're there no matter what. That she can count on you."

………

He was still puzzling over the doctor's words while he said goodbye and left her office, waiting for Rachel who had gone in after him, probably asking a few questions herself. He also waited for her while she got a new appointment, then he helped her into her coat and held the door open for her when they left.

The awkwardness only came back when they stood on the street, unsure what to do next.

"So… wanna take a cab together?" Rachel finally asked.

"No, I… have to go back to the studio," he answered, not quite able to keep a hint of regret out of his voice.

"Oh… okay," Rachel said hastily. "Then… bye."

She turned quickly and started to go, as if she suddenly needed to be far away from him.

"Rachel… wait."

Looking at him expectantly, she slowly turned around again.

"I…" he started, stuffing his hands into his coat pockets to keep himself from fidgeting nervously, "I want you to know that… I meant what I said about wanting to be involved. If there's anything I can do… just tell me."

She favored him with a light smile.

"Okay," she breathed. Then she cleared her throat and a little louder she said, "And… thanks for being here… today. It meant… it meant a lot to me."

His heart lurched painfully in his chest and he wasn't quite sure if he could trust his own voice when he said, "Any time, Rach."

tbc