(Week 16 of pregnancy)
Rachel felt restless, she had caught herself taking deep breaths, squirming in her seat and starting to daydream. Something was wrong with her and she had yet to figure out what.
"So, you think it's gonna be a girl or a boy?"
Phoebe's question pulled her out of her thoughts. Luckily for her, she had heard it. Not like today in her meeting when she had zoned out so completely, she had had no idea what everyone had been talking about.
"Joey thinks it's a girl. He kept talking about 'her' from the second he knew I was pregnant."
"And you?"
The question surprised her a bit. Ever since Joey had said 'she' the first time, she had never once questioned the fact that she was going to have a girl.
"I don't know. I guess I think he's right. It doesn't matter as long as it's healthy. Right now I have… other problems."
"What's up? I mean… besides the obvious."
"I'm feeling so strange, you know. Antsy and on edge somehow."
"Wait, aren't you in your fourth month of pregnancy?"
"Yeah, why?"
"This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy."
She couldn't believe that it had never occurred to her to ask Phoebe about that. The only friend she had who had already been pregnant. And since she was mentioning hormones, maybe she could admit to her why she was feeling on edge, what her daydreams were about.
"God yeah, I guess this is what I'm feeling. I can barely think of anything else but sex at the moment. So this happened to you?"
"Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so in, y'know, medical terms I was… I was thrice as randy."
"Well, you know what? When I go see my doctor tomorrow I'll ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something."
"Yeah. Yeah, that's what you need a good... pill."
She winced at that. Of course, there was a seemingly easier way to solve that particular problem, but Phoebe should've known that for her that was completely out of reach.
"Phoebe! I'd love to solve that problem with something other than a pill, but it's not gonna happen, so stop making fun of me."
"What about… you know… the father. I mean, he wanted to be involved so…"
'Yeah,' she thought bitterly to herself, 'as if being involved means sleeping with the woman who hurt him to make her feel better.' She tried her hardest not to even think about the possibility, not to get her hopes up.
"The 'father' got his heart broken by me and can barely stand to talk to me, let alone help me with this particular problem, so I guess it's gonna be the pill," she said in a tone that was meant to be eloquent, but sounded more like a question.
"Rachel, it's been three months. Have you even tried to talk to him about that? Joey was never someone to hold a grudge for all eternity and he knows that you're sorry. Just talk to him, he might be okay with it."
Hope rushed through her like a burst of adrenalin. Her heart started to hammer against her ribs and she had to take a few shuddering breaths to calm herself down.
"God, Pheebs. You have no idea what just thinking about it does to me."
"That good, huh?" Phoebe said with a suggestive leer.
She smiled dreamily at that question, out of ideas what to say to that, how to describe what he could make her feel.
"Didn't Joey kiss you once?"
"More than once."
Well, not that it was any of her business anymore, but for a split moment, jealousy reared its ugly head. But she squashed the silly thought and concentrated on what she wanted her friend to understand.
"And?"
"It was pretty good… well, it was definitely above average. More in the really great category, actually."
She smiled in a superior way and started to get up. Now that Phoebe had put that idea into her head, there was no way that she wouldn't at least try to refresh her memory of how great he really was.
"Well then, multiply that with infinity and you'll get an idea of what I am talking about. If you'll excuse me, I'll have to go talk to the father of my child."
………
Joey was surprised to hear the soft knock on his door. Chandler usually never knocked and when Monica knocked, he was always afraid she would smash the door in.
He was even more surprised to see Rachel standing outside. Her cheeks were red and she panted as if she had run up the stairs. Maybe he should tell her to stop doing this in her condition.
"Hi Joey, can I come in?" she asked insecurely.
Something was up, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.
"Sure," he said with a polite nod, waiting for her to step into the apartment before he closed the door again.
When he turned around and saw her standing there, looking around herself; when he saw her gently touching the leather of the Barcalounger as if deep in thought, he realized that they hadn't been together in this apartment since the day of the breakup.
He had to lean against the kitchen counter for a moment when it hit him how much he missed her. For a moment he tried to imagine just having her here again, pretending that nothing had happened, forgetting about it. He knew he still loved her, maybe…
"What were you doing?"
He had been so busy staring at her, her question caught him completely off guard. After gesturing in the direction of the little table where an open book was lying, he eventually managed, "Reading."
Rachel didn't even look in the direction he had indicated. "Learning lines for DOOL?"
"No, 'Baby's first year'."
For some reason, that seemed to honestly surprise her. "You're reading baby books? I thought you knew about babies from your sisters?"
"I thought it couldn't hurt to check if they were right about stuff."
She turned around and lifted the book up he had been reading, leafed through it for a while and then sighed dejectedly. "I have to rely totally on the books, I don't know the first thing about babies. I'm gonna be a terrible mother."
There was so much concern in her eyes, so much sadness, he couldn't stand the thought that she was torturing herself with that notion.
"You're gonna be a great mom, you'll see," he said, trying to sound as honest and convincing as he could muster. She had to see that he meant it, that she didn't need to worry.
She took a step into his direction and looked at him in a way that made him freeze on the spot.
"Joey …" she began and his chest constricted painfully at her soft and pleading tone of voice.
Mostly, the pain he felt was like dull ache, but hearing her say his name like that, having her look at him like that… he wasn't even close to being able to handle that.
"So, what brought you here?" he asked a bit more harshly than he had intended to.
Rachel blushed deeply and took a step back. He noticed that she took a few deep breaths and that the skin of her forehead was shimmering with sweat. She looked sick somehow.
"What is it, Rachel, you look like you have a fever or something."
After taking a few more deep breaths, after wringing her hands together and wiping them on her pants, she finally managed, "It is in a way a pregnancy related problem that I have."
He patiently waited for her to continue, but her condition got worse with the second.
"I… uhm… I have… I feel…" she stammered after a while only to continue with, "God, it is hot in here."
Her unusual behavior started to worry him. He frantically tried to match the symptoms she was showing to the things he had read in the books and suddenly a very disturbing similarity came to mind.
"Rachel, this doesn't have anything to do with the fourth month of pregnancy thing, has it? The hormones…?" he asked, hoping to hear a clear 'no' from her.
"How do you know about that?" she asked instead, almost relieved.
"Reading, Rach," he gave back, still hoping that that wasn't what this was about.
"Well I was thinking… that you maybe, could help me out with this."
At first he didn't even know what to say to this, it was totally outrageous.
"Rachel! What made you think I would agree to this? After what happened!"
Tears glistened in her eyes when she took another step in his direction, pleadingly looking at him. "I knew it was a long shot, Joey, but I had to take it. These hormones are driving me crazy. But it's not just that. I miss you, Joey. I miss you so much it hurts. I miss…you know… us."
He had to close his eyes for a second after hearing her say that. As if he didn't know how that felt. As if he didn't miss her so much that he had cried himself to sleep more times than he would care to admit.
"I miss you too, Rach. But…"
He tried to come up with something to say, anything that would fit after that 'but', anything that would explain to her – and to him – why they couldn't be together although they obviously needed each other that much, although they had their history… and their future.
"I'm not saying you should take me back," Rachel continued when he hadn't said anything for a while. "This doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to. I just need you to… kiss it better."
The slightest hint of a smile played around her lips and the allusion to their first night wasn't lost on him at all. But why for crying out loud did she think that it could ever not mean anything? Didn't she know that it would always mean everything to him? That it always had? Had she ever really understood how much she had meant to him? Maybe if not, then it would be more than a mistake to start things again.
"It's over, Rachel, you have to accept that."
Another step towards him and she stood right in front of him. She put her hands on his chest and looked up to him with a sad smile.
"How can I, knowing I'll never hold you in my arms again, or touch your skin, or feel your lips? Knowing I'll never make love to you? How can I accept that I can never kiss you again when it's all I can do not to kiss you right now?"
He smiled a bit. "You watch too much TV, Rach."
"I loved how Drake said that, I couldn't say it better because this is exactly what I'm feeling."
She moved closer to him, lightly moving into his body, tilting her head up, looking unflinchingly into his eyes.
"Tell me to stop, Joey," she murmured, inching closer to his face. "Just tell me… to stop."
The kiss she gave him was tender and loving, opening his heart, making him melt. When he opened his mouth to her, she deepened the kiss and passion flared up in both of them. The way the fire was back between them, as if there hadn't been three months of misery since the last time they had made love, surprised him. It made him momentarily forget all about heartaches and pain, about ex-boyfriends and babies and insincere friends. It was better than any kiss he'd gotten from her before, because it not only flooded his heart with the happiness he always felt when she kissed him, but it also took away the pain and he desperately needed to get rid of the pain.
He crushed her to him, plundering her pliable mouth with the eagerness of a drowning man gasping for air. He shoved her against the wall and somewhere in the back of his mind he registered that it was the same spot where everything had begun. Needing to feel more of her, he kissed his way down to the side of her neck, to the very sensitive patch of soft skin that always made her go crazy when he grazed it lightly with his teeth.
A long, deep moan from Rachel triggered something in his head. A picture of Ross, kissing the same spot on her neck that he himself kissed right now. Of Rachel, moaning like she did just seconds before. He tried to push it away, resumed kissing her passionately but another picture forced itself on him. Rachel kissing Ross.
He paused, swallowing hard. Trying to force down the sickness crawling up in him. Another picture, Rachel running her hands over Ross's naked chest. He swallowed again, sensing he might lose the fight against the urge to throw up. More pictures came, faster and faster, with an unrelenting speed.
Rachel sinfully naked, legs wrapped around Ross's body. Ross touching her, kissing her, making her come. He tore himself away from her and stumbled blindly into the bathroom. Behind the closed door he tried to get a grip but the pictures just kept coming. He doubled over and retched into the toilet until he was only dry heaving. Then he sat down on the floor, resting his back against the bathtub. He could barely muster the strength to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand.
It was the first time in his life he felt utterly defeated. It was the first time in his life he wanted to die.
In this moment Rachel appeared at the door, looking worried. "Sweetie, what's wrong? I heard you getting sick, what happened?"
He couldn't answer, he wasn't sure if she needed to know what kind of pathetic loser she had turned him into.
She was still glowing from what they did before. The realization made his stomach turn again and it took his last remaining strength to push a new wave of nausea back into his gut. She busied herself at the sink and kneeled down beside him, running a wet washcloth over his lips and then handing him a glass of water. He drank it greedily, needing to wash away the foul taste in his mouth.
"God, you're scaring me, Joey. What was that? Something you ate?" she asked, lightly caressing his face.
He lifted his gaze to her and just looked into her eyes. It was obvious when it hit her. He could tell by the way she suddenly drew her hand away, by the way all the color drained out of her cheeks and by the way the moisture shot into her eyes. She clamped a hand over her mouth and tried to backpedal as fast as she could, almost falling down in the process.
"I'm sorry, Rachel," he said tonelessly, "…but I can't help you."
tbc
A/N: As always, your opinions are very appreciated and helpful.