Rachel wondered why it had never bothered her that Monica's apartment was on the fourth floor. Because right now, it did. According to her OB-GYN her blood pressure was too low anyway, not to mention the other things that were wrong with her right now. So walking up all the stairs to Monica's was a bit of a challenge.
She still did it regularly, though, because Monica was about the only person she felt comfortable with. Chandler still hated her, so she always called Monica before she came over to make sure Chandler wasn't at home.
Also, lately she found herself avoiding the coffeehouse. Although she knew Phoebe was always trying to help, talking to her drained her strength somehow. Besides, there was always a chance of seeing Joey in the coffeehouse and for the past five weeks this was something she had tried to avoid as well.
Since the kissing incident five weeks ago, being around Joey was torture. For both of them. They barely managed to look at each other anymore. There was this mix of pain, embarrassment and humiliation that had taken days to overcome enough that she had been able to stand being in his presence for as long as it took to say 'Hi' and 'I've gotta go', and she was pretty sure he felt the same.
It wasn't even like she couldn't understand what had happened, the problem was that she understood it too well. She knew that it had nothing to do with forgiveness. It had to do with what he saw when he closed his eyes. Because then he saw her with Ross and that made him sick because it made him feel inferior and lacking. It made him experience the sickening fear of being hurt like that again. She knew this, because she had been there, too, once. Only that for Joey, it must have been a hundred times worse. Back with Ross, she hadn't even known the girl he had been sleeping with and she had the pictures in her head for months. Joey had to face the betrayal of two people he thought he could trust implicitly. She couldn't even imagine what that must feel like.
Facing Ross wasn't much easier. Sure, they somehow managed to live together and he was always trying his best to counter her constant depression with a fake good mood. But she knew he was suffering, too. And although she even asked him how he felt, he never gave her a real answer. It was like he didn't want to burden her with his misery on top of her own.
She knew it wasn't that his failure – this momentary lapse they both had fallen victim to – erased the failure she and Joey had made by breaking the rules like that, by springing the news on him the way they had, by letting things get so horribly out of hand.
When she had told Ross what had happened with Joey that day five weeks ago, he had asked cautiously if she didn't think that Joey was overly dramatic. That, in the face of the fact that Joey himself hadn't been exactly a saint before and that breaking hearts hadn't been foreign to him, his reaction seemed slightly self-righteous and hypocritical. She had nixed that. She'd told him that it hadn't been Joey who had done something wrong. That it had been her and that Joey's reactions were justified and understandable.
She could tell that Ross didn't agree with that, but thankfully he let it go.
So that left her with Monica. The one who steered clear of painful subjects, who was excited about her pregnancy and didn't make her feel bad for destroying the group and breaking both her brother's and her friend's hearts. The one who knew that she accused herself of that enough almost every hour of every day.
As she took the last step to the fourth floor, she saw Joey storming over thehallway to his apartment, slamming the door shut behind him. Slowly walking over to the door number nineteen, she wished she could just walk through it like she used to. Instead she put her hand on the smooth wooden surface for a while, thinking back to happier days.
Then she turned and opened the door to the other apartment.
Monica stood in the kitchen, wiping the kitchen counter. When she saw her, she smiled at her a bit strained.
"Hi, Rachel."
Sensing that something was amiss and that it probably had something to do with Joey storming out of the apartment, she asked, "I saw Joey coming out of here a moment ago. Everything all right?"
Monica pointed to a bowl that stood on the kitchen table and said, "I'd made him a bowl of pineapple pieces. I had brought it from the restaurant and thought he would like it, he always had before. He saw it, started to tear up and ran out. I have no idea what I did wrong."
Rachel looked at the bowl and tears sprang to her eyes too. She pressed her hand over her mouth to keep herself from sobbing loudly. Monica looked at her in alarm and guided her gently to the couch where she just sank down, unable to hold herself upright anymore.
Such a happy memory. And now it was forever tainted. Just like everything else.
(flashback to day 20)
Joey looked at the pineapple lovingly, trying to imagine it to be Rachel. He had planned to learn the lines for his new romantic storyline on DOOL with her, but she had had a headache when she got home from work and went to take a nap. So he was left with the pineapple and had to work real hard to be intense and passionate towards a piece of fruit.
"Why are we fighting this? You know, you want it to happen as much as I do. I want you. I need you. Let me make love to you."
Suddenly the fruit was ripped out of his hand by Rachel, who pretended to be angry and hissed at the pineapple. "Oh you bitch, keep your hands off my man!"
Joey chuckled amusedly.
"And you, mister, what did you think you were doing here?"
"Oh baby, I swear, she was forcing me into it. She is holding my twin brother in a dungeon."
"Is that the truth?" Rachel interrogated the fruit. "Oh we'll see about that."
Rachel took the pineapple into the kitchen, got a really big knife and cut the fruit into little pieces. After putting them into a bowl, she brought them back to Joey, climbed into his lap, fished one piece out of the bowl and put it into Joey's mouth.
"Please don't do that with the actress I have to say those lines to," he smiled when he was done eating.
"I wouldn't bet on it," Rachel said, feeding him another piece.
"That's too bad, I was planning on taking you with me to the set tomorrow, but…" he trailed off looking pointedly at the piece Rachel held in her fingers.
She grinned. "Oh, you wouldn't dare not take me, not after already telling me about it."
He sighed in dramatic defeat.
"There will be a party at the set tomorrow after we're done shooting, but I guess it doesn't matter anyway, since I still haven't learned my lines and they'll probably fire me before that party even starts."
"Why didn't you want to learn them with me?"
"I did, but since you wanted to take a nap, I didn't want to keep you from sleeping."
"If you had been as concerned about me getting enough sleep last night, I wouldn't have needed to take that nap."
"Last night I didn't get the impression you wanted to sleep", he said, leering.
She tried to bite back a smile but finally failed at it. "Okay, you're right. So, come on, give me that script, where were you?"
She put the bowl with the pineapple pieces on the floor and picked up the script that lay there.
"I want you. I need you. Let me make love to you."
Letting the script sink onto her lap, Rachel leaned in to kiss Joey. Just the moment before there lips met, Joey whispered, "Your line, Rachel."
"Uhm… right, the line."
Her eyes went wide when she saw the line her character was supposed to say.
"What! That stupid chick is turning you down?"
Joey sighed. "She is turning Drake down."
"It's still stupid."
"Rach, I appreciate the sentiment but…"
"Okay, I'm on it…" she hurried to say and cited from the script, "No, Drake. We can't do this. You know how much is at stake."
"What's at stake is your heart, your soul, your happiness. Do you think he's worth sacrificing all that for?"
"Drake, you don't know anything about my heart, and I don't really believe in the deepness of your feelings, of your passion."
"I love you so much, it feels like this passion burning inside me will kill me if I can't be with you. But I'm afraid words won't ever do justice to what I feel. Let me show you."
Her heart melted at the words, spoken with so much sincerity, with so much genuine feelings behind them.
"Yeah, please show me," she whispered, leaning in again.
Joey pulled back.
"Rachel!"
Realizing that she had broken out of character again, she tried to cover for her mistake. "Oh come on, Joe. This is what she should say. Any woman would say that."
"Aw, Rach," he sighed, his tone a mixture of irritation and regret, "you know I can't keep learning my lines if you say stuff like that."
"Stuff like what?" she murmured into his ear and then proceeded to kiss her way down his neck.
"Like…" his attempt at formulating a coherent sentence was cut short by a gasp when she playfully bit his neck while raking her fingernails through his hair.
"Like how I just can't keep my hands off you because you're too sexy for your own good?" she finished for him while his breathing became considerably faster. "Or stuff like how good it feels to have you touch me…"
She felt his hands wandering up her back, felt him loosening the makeshift knot in her hair and fanning it out.
"… everywhere."
It almost knocked the breath out of her when he kissed her, unrestrained and passionate. In the back of her mind she congratulated herself for changing his mind. The victory made her feel adventurous so she broke the kiss after a while and picked up the bowl with the fruit pieces again.
"We're not finished with this traitorous lady here."
She took a piece and put it between her lips. Immediately picking up on what she was up to, he brought his mouth to hers, taking a bite, making the juice running down her chin.
When her hands instinctively went to her chin to wipe the sticky fluid away, he took her hand and shook his head.
"Let me take care of this."
Giddy with anticipation she lifted her chin a bit, signaling him to do whatever he had in mind. The sensation of his lips and tongue on the sensitive skin of her throat made her moan with pleasure.
"Oh yeah Joey, don't stop."
To her bottomless dismay, he did.
"It's clean."
"You sure?" she asked, bringing another piece to her mouth, running it over her lips and down her chin and her throat, making sure there was a lot of skin for him to clean up. Without complaining he went back to work and just when she thought that now he wouldn't need any further encouragement, he stopped again.
"I'm afraid I'm not quite done yet but there are clothes in the way, so …"
She was just about to ask what was stopping him from taking them off, when she saw the challenge in his eyes.
'You've started this game, now keep playing it,' the look seemed to say.
And although she'd always thought of herself as someone who was seduced rather than seducing, the thought of calling the shots excited her to a surprising degree.
She put the bowl away and stood up, slowly taking off her t-shirt. His unwavering gaze made her feel a bit self-conscious at first, but the way he looked at her gave her back her confidence. When she started to pull her pants down slowly, making a bit of a show out of it, when she saw how much this turned him on, it aroused her more than she would've ever thought possible.
As she was standing before him completely naked, his eyes were black and he gripped the arms of the lounger so tight, his knuckles turned white. A triumphant smile spread over her face and a sudden feeling of power surged through her. She knew by now that by being the passive one he had given her power not only over what was happening, but over himself.
After taking his hand and pulling him into a standing position, she started to unbutton his shirt and then pushed it off his shoulders. She took a step back and just looked at him for a while, letting him see how much she enjoyed the view. Then she took his hand again and sat down on the floor, motioning for him to sit beside her.
"So, about that juice …" she said and took another slice, sliding it over her throat, down her chest and to her breasts. When she touched her nipple with the somewhat cold piece of fruit, she couldn't help but close her eyes for a second, moaning.
In that moment she felt his hand over hers, directing it to her other breast, circling the other nipple until her shaking hand couldn't hold the piece anymore and she sank onto the floor.
He didn't let her wait. He began his task with kissing and licking her throat again, following the sweet path the pineapple had left. When his mouth was finally on her breast, she arched her back, trying to intensify the contact. But again, after giving the same attention to her other breast, he just stopped right when she wanted nothing more than for him to just take over.
"Done," he stated, grinning mischievously.
Her eyes snapped open and, seeing him grin like that, she smiled back determinedly.
"You are so not done," she said, reaching for the bowl again. The sensation of cold fluid on her heated skin made her close her eyes again. This time, the piece wandered even further south, leaving a little pool of sweetness in her bellybutton and a sticky trail on the inside of her thighs. When she reached the place she so badly wanted him to touch, to kiss; self-consciousness made her stop again. Could she really do that? This was like touching herself right in front of his eyes. It felt more intimate than everything she'd ever done with someone. For a while she waited for his hand to guide her through that again, but it didn't happen. Instead she heard his voice, dark and rumbling, slightly shaking.
"I think I know now what burning passion is."
Opening her eyes she knew it too, because she saw the fire burning in his eyes, could feel it heating up her skin just from the way he looked at her. Her doubts left her for good and she let her hand travel the rest of the way. Fortunately, he didn't need more convincing and he was very thorough in taking care of the mess she'd made.
(end flashback)
Monica held Rachel and stroked her back for as long as it took her to get a grip again. Her reaction had freaked her out even more than Joey's had. Eventually Rachel pulled back and wiped her eyes, trying to smile at her.
"Monica… you didn't… do anything wrong. It's just… a memory we both share," she whispered.
"What memory?"
Rachel shook her head. It didn't seem like she didn't want to answer her question, it was more like she was afraid she couldn't without starting to cry again.
"Mon, do you believe in soul mates?" she asked instead, to Monica's surprise.
"No," Monica answered. "Do you think Joey is your soul mate?"
"I think soul mate isn't the right term. But when I was with him, it always felt as if we were made for one another."
As much as Monica herself had seen for the past month how much they were or had been in love with one another, believing that they were meant to be seemed a little farfetched, to say the least. Still, she didn't want to hurt Rachel even more than she was hurting now, so she just settled for what she thought was a neutral question.
"Because the sex was great?"
Rachel actually chuckled a bit at that and looked up at her.
"Wasn't that the first thing between you and Chandler, too?"
Monica smiled nostalgically. "Yeah, you're right. I guess I forget that sometimes, because it feels like there was always more to it, right from the first night. It was like everything we did together, we did great."
"Mon, that's exactly how I feel about Joey and me," Rachel said so determinedly, Monica just knew it was Rachel's deepest conviction. "We were so great together. So great," she continued while the sadness that lingered around her like a veil of dark mist overtook her tone again. "I still can't believe I've messed that up… for good."
Not for the first time in the last months, Monica cursed that feeling of helplessness she had every time she saw one of them like this. Mourning over something they had lost that had meant the world to them. The frustrating thing was, they were both mourning, they both wanted it back, and she was sure that they could make it happen. Sure, she had been convinced about that after Rachel's breakup with Ross, too. But Rachel and Joey had a lot more going for them. Not least their baby.
Rachel took the tissue Monica offered her and wiped her eyes again. Then she sighed and smiled at her apologetically.
"You must be so sick of hearing that all the time."
Monica just shook her head. "No. But I'd like to hear what's up with the pineapple."
"You don't wanna know that, Mon. Let's just say it's one of the many things, reminding me of how much I miss him."
Monica didn't know what to say to that. Wordlessly she moved in to give Rachel another hug. They stayed like this for a while since Rachel seemed to cling to her, like she needed someone to hold her for a while.
………
Neither Monica nor Rachel noticed someone coming in.
"Hi honey," Chandler greeted his wife cheerfully before he noticed that she wasn't the only person in the room. "Hi… Rachel," he added reluctantly when he realized who the woman was who was hugging Monica. He knew Rachel still visited Monica and he knew they both made sure to avoid him running into Rachel. So maybe he should've told Monica he would come home earlier today.
An awkward silence ensued for a moment, until Rachel took a shuddering breath and slowly got up.
"Hi Chandler," she said in a voice that sounded terrifying small to Chandler. "I better get going. Thanks Monica, for listening to me."
Avoiding looking at him, she headed for the door. It was the first time Chandler actually noticed her pregnancy. There was a clearly noticeable bulge to be seen beneath her sweater. It was the first time he truly realized that Rachel was going to have a baby. Joey's baby. Everything else seemed to pale in comparison to that fact. How could so many other things still matter?
She was going to be the mother of his best friend's baby, he couldn't treat her as if she didn't exist. And to be honest, he didn't want to anymore.
"Rachel, wait," he said when Rachel was almost out the door, surprised at the squeak in his voice. "You don't have to leave because of me."
Rachel stopped in mid-movement and slowly turned around again.
"You don't have to be polite, Chandler. I understand…"
"No, no, Rachel. I… I want you to stay."
Now both his wife and Rachel were disbelievingly staring at him.
"What!" he exclaimed with fake exasperation, "Does everybody think I'm a monster or something?"
"No, but I thought you think I am," Rachel deadpanned which made Chandler smile. He closed the space between them and took her hand, pulling her into the apartment again.
"I did, but now I see how wrong I was. You're… you're a mommy," he said quietly, lightly skimming his hand over her belly. Which was the exact moment Rachel started to burst into tears.
"I'm so sorry, Chandler, I ruined everything. Everything is so messed up, I don't know…"
"Shh," he shushed her while taking her into his arms, letting her sob into his shoulder. It felt natural somehow, at least a lot more natural than being pissed at her. Sure, she had made a mistake, a horrible one. But everyone was allowed to, he himself had made his share of them, and he had always been glad that his friends had forgiven him for it without giving him too much trouble. No one stayed mad at him forever. Rachel hadn't even done something to him, it wasn't his place to be mad at her.
"It's gonna be all right, Rach."
"How, Chandler? I don't think it's ever gonna be all right again."
The hopelessness and the devastation in her voice was disconcerting… and familiar. He knew who sounded exactly like her. Joey.
"He… give him some time, Rach. I have a feeling he won't leave things like they are now. That's not who he is."
"I hope you're right. You have no idea how much I hope you're right."
He patted her back comfortingly while Monica blew him a bunch of kisses and made a few gestures that clearly indicated that he had a big chance to get very lucky that night. He grinned widely at her.
After a while Rachel stopped sniffling and pulled back to favor him with a tortured but genuine smile.
"Thank you, honey. You have no idea how happy it makes me that we're good again."
Chandler lifted his hand and wiped a few tears from Rachel's face. "I was an idiot for being mad at you for so long, it was none of my business."
"He's your friend," Rachel whispered.
His hand sank down to his side and he shrugged, grinning a bit helplessly. "Yeah, but… so are you."
Since Rachel looked as if she was about to start crying again, Chandler tried to change the subject. "So, how's little Joey Jr. doing in there?" he asked, tapping his forefinger against her belly playfully.
That made a little half-hearted smile appear on Rachel's face. "Well, according to the daddy, it's gonna be a Josephine and she's doing great."
Monica came up beside him and looked at Rachel frowning. "Are you really thinking about 'Josephine'?" she asked incredulously.
Rachel shook her head, still smiling a little. "Well, we both love 'Little Women', but... we haven't really talked about names yet."
Chandler found that something else had changed about Rachel. It wasn't just the belly and the sadness, something seemed off somehow. "What about you?" he asked her, "I mean... aside from the relationship disaster?"
Suddenly Rachel seemed to feel the need to avoid her eyes and looked down at her feet. "Well… more or less… fine," she stammered.
She'd always been a terrible liar. Monica had apparently picked up on that, too, because a look of horror darkened the expression on her face. "Rachel! What's 'more or less' supposed to mean? Is there something wrong?"
Rachel looked up sharply and her eyes went from him to Monica and back. "Please you guys, promise me you won't tell anyone, okay," she said.
"What aren't we supposed to tell anyone?" Chandler asked, feeling a bit of dread. He wasn't gonna keep anything from Joey, not if it was about the baby or Rachel.
"Ever since… Joey and I broke up," Rachel began hesitantly, "I haven't had much appetite, so…"
"You've lost weight?" Monica interrupted her sharply and Rachel sighed.
"Yeah, I've lost weight."
It was something that alarmed Monica a lot more than it did Chandler, but then he didn't know anything about pregnancies.
"Rachel, you're not supposed to lose weight, you're pregnant!"
"I know, but…" she said but trailed off, looking at them as if she was asking for help.
"Does Joey know about this?" Chandler asked the question that seemed to be the most important.
"No and, guys, please, please don't tell him. I started eating more lately and I think I can have those few pounds back in no time. The baby is healthy, that's what counts and…"
Chandler interrupted her impatiently. "Rach, he has to know about this."
"Mon…" Rachel started, turning to her best friend but then back to him, "Chandler, please."
Monica shook her head but then she said, "All right, one week. If it hasn't improved by then, we'll tell him."
Chandler wasn't quite happy about that decision, but he decided to listen to Monica. After all, she was almost always right.
tbc
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