Thank you SO much for all the reviews, they mean a lot to me.

I'm sorry for the lack of updates – exams and broken computers got in the way. I'm off to the Vegas tomorrow, so it'll be another couple of weeks until another update!

A HUGE thank you to Lauren for helping me out with the timeline. Honestly, nothing they told us in season 2 matches with what they told us in season 1, so I had to try and piece as much together as I could. For example, Hailey was only 25 in season 2 yet Kirsten and Jimmy used to babysit her when she was 10 years old…doesn't make sense! So if something doesn't match to what you expect, tough:p

Anyway, I hope you like it and I love to read your comments!

Kirsten stood nervously outside Dr Halliwell's door. Her counselling session was at 10.30am. She checked her watch: 10.28am. Her foot tapped on the floor and, again, she searched for her wedding ring. She rubbed her finger, thinking of Sandy, thinking of Seth and Ryan. She spent a lot of time wondering how they were; wondering what they were doing; wondering if they thought about her much. She missed them. To her surprise, missing them only made her stronger, because all she wanted to do was get better and get out of this place. She wanted to be home. So she would go in and she would talk. Maybe this was what she needed to do.

Her watch reached 10.30am. She took a deep breath and lifted her hand, knocking three times. A voice called her in and she slowly opened the door.

"Kirsten, come on in," Dr Halliwell greeted her warmly. She noticed Kirsten's appearance: the way her clothes hung off of her tiny frame, the way her hair hung loosely around her face and the way she hadn't bothered to conceal her pasty face.

Kirsten sat in the chair in front of the desk, gripping the arms tightly.

"How are you feeling?" Dr Halliwell asked, sitting down opposite her.

"Like hell," Kirsten answered. She was supposed to be honest, right?

Dr Halliwell smiled sadly and Kirsten cringed. She didn't want this woman's sympathy.

"Are you sleeping?"

"Not really," Kirsten answered, watching as the doctor wrote down her answers.

"Are you eating?"

Kirsten shrugged. "A little, I guess."

More writing. Kirsten tilted her head slightly, watching. Dr Halliwell lifted her head and met Kirsten's eye. Kirsten looked away, embarrassed to be caught staring.

"Have you phoned home?"

She watched as Kirsten closed her eyes, a common reflex whenever her family was mentioned. Kirsten shook her head.

"Why?"

Kirsten shrugged her shoulders again, sinking slightly in her chair. "I don't know."

"Don't you want to speak to your family?"

Kirsten frowned. If only the doctor knew how much she wanted to speak to them; to hear their voices, assuring her they were ok, assuring her that they still loved her.

"I guess…I guess I don't really know what to say to them," Kirsten said finally.

"What do you want to say to them?"

Kirsten paused, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall. "That I love them; miss them. That I'm sorry. That I wish this hadn't happened."

"So why don't you?"

"I don't know. I'm scared, I think. Sandy…I just remember him being so angry with me; and I never saw the boys before I…I left, before I came here. I'm scared about what they think. I'm scared that I won't ever be able to make things right," Kirsten admitted.

"Don't you think that being here is going to help to make things right?"

"But I can't take back what's already happened," Kirsten said. "What if it's too late?"

"What if it is?"

"Then I might as well not be here," Kirsten mused.

Dr Halliwell nodded, as if Kirsten had just said something right. "Now, this is our first hurdle. In my experience, if you're doing this for someone else, it won't work. You need to be here for you; you need to want to get better for yourself."

Kirsten smiled slightly to herself, as if she was amused by what the doctor had said.

"What?"

"Nothing. It's just been a long time since I did something for myself. I mean, I've got so used to being a wife or a mother or a daughter…" Kirsten trailed off.

"So, let's find out who the real Kirsten Cohen is, shall we?"

Kirsten nodded, scared by the thought. Had she got so lost that she didn't know who she was any more?

"You went to your first group session yesterday, how was that?"

Kirsten shrugged. "It was ok, I guess."

"Did you talk?"

Kirsten shook her head.

"Why?"

Kirsten paused before answering, "I was listening to all those people tell their stories and I felt like I didn't belong. Not because I think that I don't have a problem like them, but they had real reasons, you know? Their lives had been awful, they'd been abused or they'd lost someone."

"You lost someone," Dr Halliwell interrupted. "You lost your father."

Kirsten looked up at her. The death of her father had only brought her problem to everyone's attention. It had been there a long time before then, she could finally admit that to herself. Admitting it to the doctor was a step she wasn't willing to take just yet.

"Tell me about him."

"My father?" Kirsten frowned.

Dr Halliwell nodded, leaning back in her chair, obviously waiting for Kirsten to talk. Kirsten shifted in her seat.

"I don't really know what to say," Kirsten said.

"Were you close to him?"

"I guess," Kirsten answered. "I mean, as close as anyone could be. He wasn't a very easygoing person, you know? He was hard and cold to most people, he didn't let them get close. He wasn't very loveable."

"But you loved him?"

"Yeah, I did," Kirsten said sadly. "He was my dad."

"What was he like when you were growing up?"

"He wasn't around much. He, uh…he worked a lot. Too much, my mom said," Kirsten offered a small smile. "He worked in construction for a long time and started his own business when he was 27. He did really well."

Dr Halliwell could hear the pride in Kirsten's voice. "The Newport Group?" she queried, reading from a piece of paper in front of her.

Kirsten nodded.

"How did you feel about your dad not being around much?"

"I didn't really know any different. It was mostly just me and my mom during the week – she would pick me up from school and cook me dinner and help me with my homework and put me to bed. My dad was kinda mysterious, even to me. I wouldn't see him all week, he wouldn't get home until after I was asleep and he would be gone in the mornings before I got up for school. But then he'd suddenly be there at the weekends and we'd go out for lunch, or he'd take us to the park or to the pier. It was exciting, I guess…"

Kirsten stopped, her eyes glazing as she played back the memories in her head.

"…when I was younger," she qualified.

"What about when you got older?"

"Things were different. I mean, it's not like everything changed all of a sudden, but I guess it stopped being mysterious and exciting," Kirsten said.

"You didn't get on so well?"

Kirsten shook her head. "I was a typical teenager, I suppose, but I think my dad still expected me to be a little girl. It's like he missed me getting older and all of a sudden I was this rebellious 15 year old."

"You rebelled against him?"

Kirsten let out a small laugh. "I tried. I wasn't very good at it though. I dyed my hair purple once, the day before a really important party that my dad was dragging us to. He was so mad. And I would wear short skirts and low-cut tops, you know, the kind that would just make him angry. I used to sneak out the house and get drunk with my friends on the beach."

"You used to drink when you were 15?"

"Sometimes. I mean, it's not like I was alone. Everyone did it," Kirsten defended.

"You may not have been alone in drinking, but maybe your reasons were different," Dr Halliwell said. "Why do you think you used to drink at that age?"

Kirsten fell quiet. It wasn't something she had ever thought about. She used to think that she was just following the crowd, but maybe it was more than that.

"It used to make me feel…not good, I mean, I didn't like the taste at first. No-one does, right? But I used to like the way it made me feel. I could just forget about life for a while. It stopped me thinking too much."

"And do you recognise any of those feelings with your drinking patterns more recently?"

Kirsten thought for a moment. "I do now," Kirsten admitted.

"What used to happen when you were drunk?"

"What do you mean?" Kirsten asked, confused by the question.

"Some people get ill, some people get silly, some people get depressed. Which one were you?"

"I just felt numb," Kirsten said. "I feel numb."

"Do you like that feeling?"

Kirsten nodded slowly.

"What was it about your life that you wanted to forget?"

"I don't know. Everything. My dad, my mom, school. The stupid parties my parents used to drag us to. Always having to be the good girl, the dutiful daughter. Always expected to be perfect."

"Who expected you to be perfect? Your father?"

"He wanted the perfect family."

"That must have been hard to live up to?"

"I played my role," Kirsten said. "And when I was 18 I got out of there as quickly as I could."

"You studied Art History at Berkeley University?"

"Yeah. My dad wanted me to go to USC and study business but I refused. This was the first chance I had to do what I wanted to do. If I'd gone to USC, life would've been exactly the same, you know? The same kind of people, the same expectations."

"Berkeley wasn't like that?"

"No. I felt so much more relaxed there. I could be me, I didn't have to pretend any more," Kirsten said.

"You were happy there?"

"Yeah, I was, for most of it. It's where I met Sandy," Kirsten smiled as she thought of her husband. "Another choice that my father didn't approve of."

"He didn't like Sandy?"

Kirsten shook her head. "My dad told me once that Sandy was everything he hoped I wouldn't end up with. He didn't have the right background; he didn't make enough money or have the right career. He even hated that he was Jewish."

"That must have been hard?"

"It was. I mean, it's not like my dad's feelings would have ever changed my mind about Sandy. I fell in love with him so quickly and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But I guess there was always a part of me that wanted my dad's approval."

"What about your wedding? Did he give you his approval then?"

Kirsten laughed bitterly. "My dad didn't even come to our wedding. He kept conveniently being away on business. We kept changing the date, even though Sandy kept telling me it wasn't worth it, but it was to me. He was away on business again just before the wedding and his flight got delayed because of a monsoon so he didn't get back in time. I was upset, Sandy was angry, my mom was trying to make us feel better; it turned out to be a bit of a mess. But I still defend him, even now. I still argue that he would have been there if he could, but I think I know it's a lie, because if he had really wanted to be there, he would have been."

"Did you ever talk to him about it?"

"I tried, but he just brushed it aside and told me I was getting worked up over nothing. He pretty much threw some money at me and told us to go somewhere nice on our honeymoon," Kirsten said. "So we did. We used the money he gave us and the money we'd saved between us, and we spent a couple of years travelling around Europe and Asia. I didn't speak to him for a long time after that."

"What changed?"

"I got pregnant with Seth, so we came back and settled down in Berkeley. And I forgave my dad because I wanted him to be a part of Seth's life; I wanted him to be a part of my life too."

"Did your father's feelings about your marriage change when he found out about Seth?"

"Not really. I think he accepted it more than before, he realised that it wasn't just some silly fling. He still used every opportunity he could to make digs at Sandy though, and Sandy would just take them, with the occasional quip, you know? But he never reacted, even though sometimes I knew he wanted to, because he knew it would upset me."

"And how were things between you and your father after Seth was born?"

"Ok, I guess. I think he was the same to Seth as he was to me, you know – mysterious and exciting. He did really love Seth and Seth loved him, so I was happy."

"So what happened to make you leave Berkeley and move back to Newport?"

"My mom got sick. She had…she had cancer and she was having treatment, and my dad called and asked us to come home. So we did. We never meant to stay forever, but my mom died and my dad needed me."

"Did he tell you that?"

"No, my dad would never admit to needing help. My mom asked me to look after him and my sister. He was so lost after she died, I couldn't leave him."

"What were Sandy's feelings?"

"He wasn't happy there. Neither was Seth. It wasn't their kind of place, their kind of people," Kirsten answered.

"But you stayed anyway?"

"Does that make me a bad person?" Kirsten asked.

"Do you think it makes you bad person?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes I feel guilty. Even now, I know they would leave if they could. I mean, Seth did leave…last summer; and Sandy will say something and I know he's thinking about it. They stay for me. I guess I hoped that they would settle down and be ok with it," Kirsten said. "I felt like we had to stay."

"How was your relationship with your father after your mom died?"

"He shut himself off after my mom died. He wouldn't let anyone get close to him for a long time. He busied himself with work and he showed me the business, then he started to take a lot of time off. He would travel a lot, always with different women. He couldn't stay in a relationship for long."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Strange, at first. It's hard to get used to your dad being with someone who's not your mom. But I just wanted him to be happy," Kirsten said. "I don't think any of them made him happy, though. He missed my mom too much and he knew he couldn't replace her, no matter how hard he tried."

"What about at work? What was your relationship like with him as your boss?"

"It was good, actually, it felt like he actually respected me. I mean, he put a lot of pressure on me – he always set high standards and expected a lot from me. I worked so hard for him, I wanted to make him proud."

"Do you think he was proud of you?"

Kirsten shrugged. "I don't know. He never said," she said. "I told him once that all I wanted to do was to make him proud, and he still couldn't say it."

"Did that upset you?"

Kirsten nodded. "Yeah, it did."

"What about towards the end? What was your relationship like more recently?"

Kirsten shut her eyes, hearing her own voice in her head as she screamed at her father.

"If this family is screwed up it's because of you…at least I won't die alone, which is more than I can say for you!"

"Kirsten?"

Kirsten opened her eyes and a tear trickled down her face.

"Are you ok? Do you want to stop for a minute?"

Kirsten shook her head. She had come this far and was surprised at how good it felt to actually talk about it.

"Things were, uh, things were strained," Kirsten's voice wobbled as she spoke. "A lot happened over the past couple of years."

"Tell me about it."

"Last year, my dad came back to work full time, he said he wanted to do more. And it was ok, to start. But then all these things started happening. The company got sued. It was actually Sandy's firm that was suing us. We were literally fighting on different sides and my dad seemed to revel in it. He tried to use it to wind Sandy up."

"What happened in the end?"

"It turned out my dad was hiding an important document, one that lost us the case. I found it and I gave it to Sandy. That pissed him off," Kirsten laughed.

"Then what happened?"

"Then a friend of his, Uncle Shaun, got in trouble doing some work for the company. Work that wasn't exactly legal, you know?" Kirsten said, embarrassed slightly at her father's antics.

"How did that make you feel?"

"I don't know, um…it upset me. He was doing these things that could've got him in trouble, and the company. And me. He even went crawling to Sandy for help, after everything. I was really angry with him for that. Sandy put himself on the line for my dad and he barely got a thank you."

"But you forgave him?"

Kirsten nodded, a wry smile on her face. "I forgave him for everything."

"So what about this year? Were things better this year?"

Kirsten shook her head. "Things got even worse. The DA came after my dad for bribing a council official."

"Was he?"

"No, he was just paying her off to keep her quiet about their secret love child."

She wished she could take it back as soon as she spoke, aware of Dr Halliwell's surprise at her comment. Kirsten sighed.

"My dad had an affair seventeen years ago with this woman, Renee Wheeler, and she'd had his child. A daughter. He had paying her all this time and I never knew, I never saw it," Kirsten explained.

"That must have come as a shock?"

Kirsten laughed ironically. "Yeah."

"How did it make you feel?"

"Angry, upset, shocked. I mean, sure my mom and dad had their issues, like everyone, but an affair? I trusted him, my mom trusted him, and all the time he was hiding this massive secret. I think I really realised then that I just didn't know him," Kirsten said.

"What about the girl? Your sister?"

"Lindsey."

"Do you speak to her? Have you got to know her?"

"A little. She moved away a few months ago with her mom. She's a great girl, we spent some time together before my father screwed her up too," Kirsten said, bitterly again.

"What do you mean by that?"

"He messed her around, like he messed everyone around. One minute he planned to adopt her, and then he was ordering her to take a paternity test. It upset her," Kirsten answered. "It upset everyone."

"It upset you?"

Kirsten nodded. "I don't know why. This girl came into my life and I accepted her as my sister, and then he told me she might not be my sister and I was just so tired of it all."

Kirsten breathed deeply, closing her eyes for a moment.

"I want us to talk about the days leading up to your father's death."

Kirsten frowned, keeping her eyes squeezed shut, but she nodded.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"I, uh, I had a car accident. I'd been drinking and I was driving home, and I went through a red light. My car was hit by a truck," Kirsten said, images of the truck flashing in her mind. "That's when he knew, that's when they all knew."

"Knew what?"

"That I had a problem," Kirsten's voiced cracked slightly as she admitted it.

"What did your father say?"

"He was really angry with me. He'd seen it before, with my mom…"

"Your mom was an alcoholic?"

Kirsten nodded. "He was trying to help me and I pushed him away. I yelled at him, I said some really awful things."

Tears started to fall down Kirsten's cheeks and she wiped them away.

"I blamed him," she continued without encouragement. "I told him he would die alone. And he did. And I never got to say sorry, I never got to tell him that I didn't mean what I said."

Kirsten started to cry, hating her weakness in front of a stranger. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Dr Halliwell said, glad to see such an outpour of emotion.

She waited until Kirsten had calmed down before continuing.

"Do you think your father knew that you were simply reacting to his confrontation? That you didn't mean the things you said?"

"I don't know. That's what makes it so hard. I don't know, I'll never know. I mean, what if he died thinking that I hated him? How am I supposed to live with that?" Kirsten asked, her eyes pleading for answers that she knew wouldn't come. "But you can't answer that, right?

"Would you believe me if I did?"

Kirsten shook her head. The only person she wanted to answer her question was the one person who couldn't.

"So what do I do?"

"You need to find a way to make peace with yourself. Only you can answer that."

Kirsten nodded and sighed.

"I think we should stop here," Dr Halliwell said, noticing Kirsten's exhaustion. She was impressed with Kirsten's honesty. "You need some time to think about what you've said today."

Kirsten nodded, standing up wearily. She walked over to the door and paused when Dr Halliwell called after her.

"Kirsten? You should call your family."

Kirsten left and made her way back towards her bedroom, having memorised the way this time. She stopped by the pay phones, having not been allowed to bring her cell phone with her. She slid a coin into the slot and dialled the familiar number, waiting nervously as it rang. The answer machine came on and Kirsten heard her own voice. She felt guilty for feeling relieved at not having to actually talk to anyone. It comforted her, strangely, to know that they hadn't erased her voice, or erased her from the house. She heard a beep and took a deep breath before speaking.

"Hey. It's me. I, uh…I'm sorry I didn't call before. I just wanted…I don't know, I just wanted to say hi and see how you all were. I miss you, all of you, and I want you to know that I'm gonna do this. I mean, it's hard, but I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. And I'm sorry. I love you."