Thank you for your awesome reviews, they mean a lot. I hope you don't find that the chapters are dragging with all the dialogue. I love to read what you think, so please keep reviewing!

Massive thanks to Sunny for being so awesome and bouncing ideas around with me, for coming up with ideas and for encouraging me so much! Thanks to Shellie too for listening to me moan and helping me!

Kirsten didn't try to call home again. The moment of courage that she'd had on the way back from her counselling session had passed and she had shrunk back into the shell that protected her.

She stayed hidden for most of the weekend, trying to process her thoughts about Friday's counselling session. She hated her room but she felt protected by the four walls that surrounded her. She wondered if she would ever be able to forgive herself for the way she spoke to her father before he died. She had dreamt about him on Friday night. She was seven years old again and her father had taken her to the pier for ice-cream, like he so often did. They were stood at the end of the pier, looking out over the water, when he knelt down in front of her, clasping a gold necklace around her neck. On the end was a 'K', decorated with tiny diamonds. She had hugged him thank you, and in her dream, Kirsten could feel his arms around her and smell his aftershave.

But then he turned pale and clutched at his heart. Kirsten had watched silently, without reacting, as he collapsed in front of her. She didn't call for help, she didn't try to save him. She stood and watched as her father died in front of her. The image of his face haunted her; his eyes pleaded her for help and she didn't move. She was frozen.

She had woken with a jolt, her heart pounding and sweat dripping from her. She had grasped at her neck for the necklace before realising it wasn't there. Just like her father wasn't there any more.

She hated these nightmares. Her body was still going through withdrawal: her hands shook and her body shivered; she was tired; she felt sick most of the time. One counselling session had exhausted her and she wondered if she could make it through any more. The photograph of her family sat next to her bed and she stared at it, trying to find the motivation. It helped. It helped, until she closed her eyes and saw their angry faces once again.

On Sunday she had watched from her window as the other patients greeted their visitors. Kirsten yearned to be one of them; to feel the anticipation of seeing her husband and sons. It also made her feel sick with nerves. She still didn't know how they felt or what they were thinking.

She preferred her own company to that of the other patients. She spoke to them at meal times, answering their questions, but she didn't bother to enquire into their lives. She simply didn't care – she wasn't here to make friends. Still, she missed the company of others and she was beginning to feel the same loneliness creeping in that had led her here in the first place. The same loneliness that Sandy had filled twenty years ago; and the same loneliness that had pushed her towards Carter more recently. Dr Halliwell had encouraged her to keep a journal but every time she tried to write, the words wouldn't come. Instead, it was full of scribbles and drawings. She was out of practice, she realized. Her art had been sidelined as other things had taken over in her life – her family, her job. She still loved art. Sandy was always moaning at her, asking if they really needed a new painting for the house when a large rectangular object would be delivered. Any skills that she had once possessed had obviously disappeared. She remembered Julia telling her about the art workshops that they ran and she contemplated joining. She smiled slightly to herself. Maybe she should make use of the cooking classes and surprise her family when she got home?

Her smile turned to a frown as she sighed. Home. When would be able to go home? It felt like a lifetime away; there was still so much she felt like she needed to talk about. She took that to be a good sign, that she wanted to talk more. Her mom, Sandy, Seth, Ryan…Rebecca, Carter. They all played their part. She wanted to find the answers to the questions that spun in her head. She just wasn't sure she was strong enough – not on her own.

The weekend passed and Kirsten found herself faced with another group session on Monday. Again, she didn't participate. When she walked into that room, her legs would wobble and her whole body began to shake. Her mouth was dry and her throat felt choked. She sat sullenly, never making eye contact, never showing emotion.

By Tuesday, she felt so withdrawn from everyone and everything that it was difficult to even get out of bed. She knew she had to, she had another counselling session with Dr Halliwell. Her body ached as she showered and dressed, and she moved slowly. What was the hurry?

She made her way to Dr Halliwell's office. She had thought that the prospect of another session would be less daunting after the first one, but the truth was, she was scared. Scared of the memories that had been forgotten; scared of the feelings that had been suppressed. She knocked and entered when she was called in.

Dr Halliwell looked up and smiled.

"Hi Kirsten," she greeted her.

Kirsten didn't offer a word or a smile back. She sat nervously, her head dropped.

"How was your weekend? Did you think about what we discussed on Friday?"

Kirsten nodded. "I can't stop thinking about it. About everything."

Dr Halliwell waited for her to continue, but when she didn't, she prompted her. "Kirsten?"

Kirsten sighed heavily. "I don't know if I can do this," she said, clearly drained. All the strength that she had found on Friday was gone.

"Do what?"

"This. Drag everything up again. I mean, what does it matter what my childhood was like? Isn't it now that matters?" Kirsten asked.

"It does matter. It matters because everything that's happened in your past has led you here. Not just one event, not one moment – everything. It's all important."

Kirsten inhaled deeply, trying to steady her breathing. She nodded. Closing her eyes, she pictured her family. She tried to imagine their happy faces and the smiles they would wear when she finally came home…sober.

"Ok."

"I know we talked a lot about your father on Friday. Today, I want us to talk about your mom."

Kirsten nodded. She had expected that. Alcoholism ran in the family, right?

"You said your dad worked a lot when you were young. Tell me what it was like growing up with your mom?"

"It was good. She was a good mom," Kirsten answered.

"Good how?"

"I don't know, just good," Kirsten said. It wasn't easy to talk today. "I was happy. I loved spending time with her."

"What would you do together?"

"The usual kind of stuff, I suppose. She'd get me ready in the mornings and take me to school, then she'd pick me up in the afternoon. Sometimes she'd take me out for tea – she wasn't a good cook – or sometimes we'd go to the cinema. Mostly we'd just come home and she'd sit with me while I did my homework, or played with my dolls, or whatever," Kirsten smiled wistfully as she remembered.

"Did she work?"

Kirsten shook her head. "No, never. I don't think she cared, she was never ambitious like that. Not like my dad."

"What about at weekends? Did you spend time together as a family when your dad was around?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes it was just me and my dad."

"Which did you prefer?"

Kirsten frowned at such an odd question. "Which did I prefer?"

Dr Halliwell nodded.

"I don't know," Kirsten shrugged.

"Did you like it being just you and your dad after spending all week with your mom? Or did you have more fun when it was the three of you?"

Kirsten paused, thinking. "I guess…I guess I used to get excited when my dad was around and I liked it when it was just the two of us. I had him to myself, you know? It's stupid, because after my mom died, it was like we weren't a complete family any more. There was someone missing," Kirsten said, regret haunting her voice.

"How did your mom feel when you went out with your dad? Do you remember?"

"I don't know, I don't remember," Kirsten said, suddenly realising how much it must have hurt her mother. She thought about how she would feel if it was Seth and Ryan choosing to spend time with just Sandy instead of as a family.

"It must have really hurt her," Kirsten mused, tears threatening her eyes. She blinked them back.

"What about the relationship between your mom and your dad, what was that like?"

"It was ok. I mean, I always thought it was pretty good. They argued, of course they did. Everyone does, right?" Kirsten answered.

"Can you remember what they would argue about?"

"All kinds of things. She didn't like him working so much, she was always asking him to cut down his hours. He would start ranting about providing for the family and they'd end up arguing about it. But they got over it, they never held a grudge for long," Kirsten said. "They always seemed unbreakable."

"What about the affair?" Dr Halliwell asked, knowing it was a harsh question.

Kirsten smiled sardonically. "I guess I was wrong."

"Does it change your opinion on your mom?"

Kirsten arched her eyebrows, surprised. "My mom?"

"Yes. How do you feel about your mom now you know about the affair?"

Kirsten fell silent. Her mom? It was such a strange question.

"I feel sorry for her. I…I think I'm angry at her," Kirsten said eventually.

"Angry about what?"

"For not being good enough?" It was phrased like a question. "I'm angry that she never knew, that she never saw what was happening. I'm angry that she never tried to stop it."

Kirsten dropped her head, ashamed of her feelings.

"It's ok," Dr Halliwell reassured her. "There are no right or wrong answers to these questions."

"But I shouldn't feel like that. I should be angry at him, not her."

"You told me that you were angry at your father."

"I am. I mean, I was," Kirsten stumbled over her words. "But I shouldn't be angry with my mom."

"But you are?"

Kirsten was starting to feel frustrated with the conversation. "Yes, but I shouldn't be."

Wasn't she listening?

"Why not?"

"Because it's not her fault!" Kirsten cried, her voice getting louder as she felt anger rising up inside of her.

Dr Halliwell pulled back from her questioning, having got the response she wanted. She wanted to see Kirsten angry over something – anything. To show some kind of emotion that wasn't sadness or fear.

"I want us to go back to your relationship with your mom when you were younger. What happened when your sister was born?" Dr Halliwell asked, her eyes browsing the notes in front of her. "Hailey. Did things change?"

Kirsten stared at her, confused about why she was suddenly changing the subject. She breathed deeply, refocusing her energy.

"It had to. There were four of us now and a baby in the house," Kirsten answered.

"How old were you when Hailey was born?"

"13."

"That must have been strange, at 13, to suddenly have a new sister?"

"I guess. My parents always wanted more than one child, but there were complications when I was born and they didn't think my mom would ever conceive again. They tried for a few years but gave up. Hailey was an accident, but that didn't matter. It was like Hailey made them happier," Kirsten said.

"How did that make you feel?"

"I liked having a baby sister. I mean, I didn't like having to babysit on a Saturday night when I wanted to go out with my friends, but the rest was kinda fun," Kirsten smiled, remembering the bundle that had been Hailey when she was young.

"And how did it change your relationship with your mom?"

"I suppose she wasn't around as much as she used to be," Kirsten said. "Most of her attention was on Hailey."

"And how did you feel about that?"

"It was strange at first. I would come home and sometimes she'd be too busy to listen to me talk about school or my friends. But then my life changed too. I mean, I started High School and I started to rebel," Kirsten recalled.

"The purple hair?"

Kirsten let out a small laugh. "Yeah, the purple hair. I think things would have changed anyway, without Hailey."

"So what did your mom think about your rebelling?"

"She wasn't so openly angry like my dad. She wouldn't yell, she would just ask. She'd ask me to not to upset my dad," Kirsten said. "I don't know, maybe she rebelled when she was younger too."

"Are you much like your mom?"

"I don't know. Maybe a little," Kirsten's voice was hopeful. "Hailey looks like her so much, but she's such a free spirit, you know? My mom was a WASP: she went to the Newport parties, she was Homecoming Queen, everything you'd expect. I was the same, I did everything everyone expected."

"You told me on Friday that you used to drink with your friends. Did you mom know about that?"

Kirsten nodded.

"Did she ever say anything to you about it?"

Kirsten shrugged. "She didn't like it, but she didn't say much. I mean, how could she have a go at me when she was doing the same thing?"

"You were aware she was an alcoholic?"

Kirsten nodded. "I don't think I ever used that word, not then. But I knew she used to drink a lot. She tried to hide it, but I knew."

"What about your dad? Did he know too?"

"Yeah, he did. He never said anything though – to my mom or to me. He just pretended that it wasn't happening," Kirsten answered.

"And how did that make you feel?"

"I guess I got used to pretending it wasn't happening too," Kirsten said. "It's not like she was rolling-on-the-floor drunk. She didn't get into car accidents or make a show of herself. She just wasn't all there…sometimes, when you talked to her, you weren't sure if she was really listening."

"That must have been hard?"

"You get used to it."

Dr Halliwell picked up on the tone of Kirsten's voice. It was obviously something she found difficult to talk about. She pushed her harder.

"Did you resent her for it?"

"Everyone wants a normal life," Kirsten mused. "I wanted a mom that didn't drink. So yeah, maybe I did."

"Did you ever talk to your mom about it?"

"Once. When I was 16, I came home from school and she was sprawled on the sofa. She'd been drinking. Hailey wasn't in her playpen, she was just wandering all over the house. I mean, anything could have happened to her!" Kirsten felt herself getting worked up as she remembered.

"You were angry?"

"Of course I was angry! Hailey was just a baby, she could have hurt herself. I found her in the kitchen, she was trying to reach one of her toys on the table and there was a knife up there. If I'd turned up five minutes later, God knows what might have happened!" Kirsten cried.

"What did you say to your mom?"

"I woke her up and just yelled at her. I told her she was irresponsible and I begged her to stop. I mean, it wasn't as bad when I was younger, but she was getting worse, you know? And Hailey needed her. She was a baby!"

"And you?"

"I needed her too!" Kirsten continued. "I needed her to listen to me, to hear me when I spoke to her. I needed her to be a mom!"

Kirsten felt tears forming again. She had spent so much energy on remembering the good memories since her mom died that she'd forgotten the bad ones. The ones that had affected her more than she realised.

"Can you remember what your mom said?"

Kirsten sighed heavily. "It was like she didn't care. She told me to shut up and to mind my own business. She asked me why I cared so much."

"And what did you answer?"

"She was my mom. Of course I was gonna care."

"Did things change after that?"

Kirsten shook her head sadly. "She tried for a couple of days, but it didn't last long. She thought she was hiding it but it was obvious."

"Did you ever get angry with her again?"

"No. What was the point? She didn't listen. She didn't want to get better – not for me or Hailey or my dad," Kirsten sighed.

"That upset you?"

"Yeah, it did. I wanted her to stop and she wouldn't," Kirsten concluded.

"What about when you left home to go to college? Was she still drinking a lot then?"

Kirsten nodded. "I felt guilty for leaving. Leaving Hailey."

"Did you think that Hailey wasn't safe with your mom?"

"No, it wasn't that. After that one time, my mom was more careful with Hailey. I knew she wouldn't hurt her," Kirsten answered. "But Hailey was so young and she shouldn't have had to see that growing up."

"But you did."

"Yeah, and I turned out so well," Kirsten said wryly.

Dr Halliwell looked closer at Kirsten. "Do you blame your mom for your drinking?"

"What? That's not what I said!" Kirsten said angrily.

"But it's what you implied."

"No, it's not. I just meant…I mean…" Kirsten sighed, agitated. "I never said that I blame my mom for my drinking."

"Don't you think your mom's drinking may have something to do with your own problem?"

"Why are you saying that?" Kirsten frowned. She was starting to get more and more angry after every question.

"Your mom found the answer to her problems in the bottom of a bottle, so why can't you?"

"Stop saying that!"

"She never spoke to anyone about her drinking?"

"No, she didn't, but that doesn't mean…"

"So why should you, right?" Dr Halliwell interrupted.

"I don't have to listen to this," Kirsten cried, getting up from her seat.

"Maybe you think that you inherited it from you mom?"

"You don't know what you're saying. It's not my mom's fault I drink. It's my fault. I can't blame anyone but myself. It's my fault."

Kirsten stormed out the room in a rage, her blood boiling. She slammed the door behind her for effect. How dare she? How dare she blame her mom? She had her faults, but her mom was a good person. She'd had a good childhood. She'd had everything she always wanted. How dare she question that?

In her office, Dr Halliwell watched Kirsten fly out the room. Leaning back in her chair, she smiled to herself, wondering if Kirsten would realise what had just happened.

There's more to be said about Kirsten's mom, but the chapter was getting long and I didn't want to bore you so I changed the end. I hope it worked! Please let me know what you think.