Sorry for the delay in updating, I got distracted with finishing Sweeter Than Kandy and I also got stuck writing this chapter. Thank you SO much to everyone who keeps reviewing this fic. I'm always interested and happy to hear your thoughts.

This chapter is especially for Sunny who helps me A LOT with writing this fic and is also the biggest Kimmy fan I know!

Kirsten woke the next morning feeling a little better. It still hurt, both physically, as she went through withdrawal, and emotionally, as she replayed the most difficult times of her life. But she felt like something had changed inside of her. She was more positive and more convinced than ever that she could get through this. There was still no spring her step, but it wasn't so difficult to get out of bed.

Yesterday had been hard – harder than she realised it would be. Whenever she spoke about her mom, there was always a soft and wistful tone in her voice as she replayed the good times. Kirsten rarely spoke of the bad moments she had shared with her mom; it felt disrespectful. But in her counselling session, the bad moments had been the focus and Kirsten felt stronger for it.

She spent the morning wandering around the grounds of the rehab centre, finally taking the time to notice her surroundings. It was beautiful here. People sat under the shade of the trees that lined the perimeter; the ocean lapped quietly at the shore beneath them; flowers and blossoms coloured the gardens. It was peaceful and idyllic, and Kirsten would never have guessed that it was a rehab centre if she had seen it from a distance.

The sun grew strong. She had covered her fragile body with long, loose-fitting clothes to hide her shrunken frame and she was hot under its glare. She moved inside, walking the corridors, pausing every now and again to read a notice board or a poster. She held her head higher now as she walked, no longer refusing to meet the eyes of the people she passed; noting how she wasn't the only one walking around on her own. She still missed having company sometimes, but it was the company of her family and friends she wanted, not strangers.

As she walked, Kirsten passed the workshop rooms: organised activities for the patients to take part in; to occupy their time – and thoughts – with. A welcome break from the anguish that counselling sessions brought. Kirsten craved to feel that light relief and she hesitated outside the art workshop, watching as people worked at their drawings. She saw the jokes and conversation that passed between them and she wished she could be a part of it; but something stopped her from going inside. Her hand was poised over the door handle, but she couldn't bring herself to open the door.

'Maybe next week,' she thought to herself. One step at a time.

The positive feeling stayed with Kirsten through the night and to the next day, when she faced another group session. She remained silent throughout, but this time she listened to what they were saying and she was surprised to hear her own story being spoken back to her in someone else's words.

She saw Mark again and they shared a smile across the circle. Kirsten felt a little embarrassed about the state she had been in when he had seen her last, but his reassuring glance calmed her. He was one of the few that spoke during their session and she listened closely to him as he talked about his drinking – about how he had used alcohol to escape from life and the things that were causing him pain; how he found himself needing to drink to get through the day; how he found that the more life spiralled out of control, so did his drinking. It all rang so true in Kirsten's head. She recognised herself in his words and it scared her to realise how out of control she had become.

She watched her fellow patients carefully as they spoke and she saw their struggle as they faced their demons and accepted their problems. To Kirsten, speaking about her problem in front of all these strangers terrified her; yet here they were, sharing their experiences with her – a stranger. If they could do it, why couldn't she? She had always been strong; she had always been able to face up to everything that confronted her in the past. Now was no different. There was still a hint of the old Kirsten Cohen inside of her: the Kirsten Cohen who was strong and resilient; the Kirsten Cohen who would stand up in front of these people that she didn't know and admit that she had a problem. Maybe it wouldn't be as difficult as she thought. If these people could do it, so could she.

By the time her next counselling session with Dr Halliwell, she felt more prepared. She wanted to get better, she wanted to escape from everything that had caused her to be here in the first place. She arrived at the office feeling confident, but still nervous.

"Kirsten, come on in," Dr Halliwell greeted her.

Kirsten entered the room and sat down in her usual chair. The process was starting to feel familiar.

"How have you been since our last session?"

"Good, actually," Kirsten answered. "I thought I'd wake up the next day feeling awful, but I'm actually starting to feel better. I mean, I know I still have a lot of work to do but, I don't know…it feels a little easier now."

Dr Halliwell smiled, clearly pleased with her quick progress. "Good."

Kirsten settled in her chair, waiting for the questions to start.

"We've already talked about your dad and your mom; today I want us to start with your sister, Hailey. I know we've already mentioned her, but I want us to focus on your relationship with her. You said you were 13 when she was born?"

Kirsten nodded, yes.

"That's quite an age difference. Was that ever a problem?"

"I guess it meant that we were never close, like some sisters are," Kirsten answered eventually, pondering the question before she spoke.

"Did you spend much time with her when she was young?"

"I suppose I did when she was a baby," Kirsten said. "I would look after her after school or at weekends, when my parents were busy. I liked spending time with her when she was little."

"And when she got older?"

"I suppose when I got a bit older and I started dating, I didn't spend so much time with her. It would annoy me that my parents expected me to stay in on a Saturday night to babysit," Kirsten said. "She was three years old and just starting to talk, you know? She wanted attention and I wanted to hang out with my boyfriend or my friends."

"You resented her for it?"

"I think sometimes I did, yes," Kirsten admitted.

"What about when she was older still? She must have wanted to spend time with her big sister?"

Kirsten shrugged. "Well, she was only five by the time I went to college and I guess I didn't do a good job of keeping in touch with her. I barely kept in touch with my parents. She grew up without me really."

"How does that make you feel?"

"A bit guilty, I suppose. But it wasn't like she was ignored as a child. My parents doted on her. She was the baby, you know?"

"Were you jealous of that?"

"Sometimes. She was the princess, it was like she couldn't do anything wrong. I went to the wrong college and married the wrong guy and had the wrong career," Kirsten said, a slight bitterness to her tone.

"Did that upset you?"

"Of course it did. I didn't make those choices just to piss off my parents," Kirsten said. "I chose Art History because that's what I wanted to do and I married Sandy because I loved him. I just don't think they ever understood that."

"And what about Hailey? What kind of choices did Hailey make?"

Kirsten smiled as she thought about her lively sister. "Hailey was more trouble than me. Her choices involved dropping out of school and refusing to go to college. She rebelled harder, she partied harder."

"Did she drink too?"

"Yeah, she did. She wasn't afraid to experiment either," Kirsten said.

"You mean drugs?"

Kirsten nodded.

"What did you think about that?"

"I didn't like it. I mean, drinking was one thing, but some of the drugs she used to take were dangerous," Kirsten said.

"Did she listen to you?"

Kirsten laughed slightly. "No, never. I don't blame her, really, I mean I was just an interfering older sister to her. I didn't really have any right to tell her how to live her life."

"What about your parents? Weren't they worried about her?"

"Well, she did a pretty good job of hiding it when she was younger. She left home at 17 and I don't think she would have come back if my mom hadn't got sick," Kirsten said.

"What was your relationship like while your mom was ill?"

"Pretty intense, I guess. It took a while to track her down. Hailey's not good at keeping in contact while she's away. My mom was pretty sick by the time Hailey got back and it was stressful at home," Kirsten answered.

"Did you argue much?"

"A little, I suppose. Hailey was always spoilt, she was used to getting what she wanted, but I was too busy looking after Seth and my mom," Kirsten said. "When my mom was really ill, we got a bit closer. We started talking more. But after she died, we grew apart again. Hailey went travelling again; there were a few phonecalls and letters but they stopped eventually."

"And what about now?"

"She came home for a while last year. It was the same as it always is at first – my dad showered her with attention and she played with his affections, hoping that she would get some money out of it. Only, this time, my dad actually listened to me."

"What do you mean?"

"He refused to give her any money. I think he wanted her to stick around for a bit longer," Kirsten said. "My dad always felt closer to Hailey. She reminded him a lot of my mom."

"That must have hurt you?"

Kirsten shrugged. "I always pretended that it didn't matter to me, but it did. I tried so hard to make him happy and nothing I did was ever good enough," she answered sadly.

"How did that affect your relationship with Hailey?"

"After 25 years you just get used to it," Kirsten said dismissively.

"Was there rivalry between you?"

Kirsten allowed a small smile to pass her lips. She saw Dr Halliwell raise her eyebrows. "It's complicated," she answered before the question came. "After my dad refused to give her money, Hailey ran off to LA and she was working as a stripper until my sons found her and brought her home. She hung around for a few months and, uh, started dating my ex-boyfriend."

"Was that strange for you?"

"I guess," Kirsten admitted truthfully. "I mean, it wasn't like I was jealous. Maybe a little, I don't know. A part of me was worried – about Jimmy – because I know what my sister is like. She'll use people to get what she wants. And he was my ex, you know? Who wouldn't find that strange?"

"Was he a serious boyfriend?"

Kirsten nodded. "He was my first."

"Your first…?"

Kirsten blushed slightly. "My first everything."

"So how did that affect you and Hailey?"

"I tried to back off and not play the domineering sister. Things between me and Hailey were actually getting better. It was like we were becoming proper sisters," Kirsten said. "And I got used to Hailey and Jimmy being together. They were happy – in love."

"And now?"

"Hailey got a job in Japan and left at the end of the summer. It was too good for her to refuse," Kirsten's voice rang with pride. "She kept in touch this time, too. I feel closer to her now than I ever have."

"What about when your father died?"

"It was different to when my mom died. There wasn't any anger or bitterness between us; we were only angry at ourselves," Kirsten said.

"Angry at yourselves?"

"Hailey felt guilty for not being at home; she blamed herself for the stress she'd put him through when she was younger. I blamed myself for the things I'd said to him," Kirsten said quietly, still affected by her last conversation with her dad.

"Was she aware of your drinking problem?"

Kirsten shrunk back slightly as Dr Halliwell addressed her alcoholism so openly and honestly. "I…I don't know. Maybe she guessed when she came back for the funeral. I wasn't really coherent."

Kirsten dropped her eyes. Dr Halliwell leaned forward in her chair, resting her arms on the table.

"Have you called her since you've been in here?"

Kirsten shook her head.

"Maybe you should think about speaking to her. She's the only one who shares your experiences with your mom's drinking. It might help you to talk to each other about it," Dr Halliwell recommended.

"Maybe," Kirsten said unconvincingly. She hadn't even spoken to Sandy or the boys.

Dr Halliwell leaned back in her chair once more and studied Kirsten for a moment, before continuing with her counselling. "Tell me more about Jimmy."

Kirsten raised her eyebrows, surprised. She had expected to talk about her family – her mom and dad, Hailey, Sandy and the boys – but Jimmy?

"Jimmy?" she questioned.

"Yes. You said he was your first 'everything'. So he was your first boyfriend? First love?"

Kirsten nodded. "Yeah, he was."

"So tell me about him."

"Why?" Kirsten frowned, not understanding the significance.

"Why not? Kirsten, all of your relationships in your life are important. Jimmy was your first love, that's bound to have had an impact on the rest of your relationships," Dr Halliwell explained.

"Oh, ok. Well, um, we met when we were 16. Jimmy moved to Newport with his parents from San Diego. He was in my English class," Kirsten smiled as she remembered the sixteen-year-old Jimmy Cooper that had rushed into the classroom late on a Monday morning, his hair messy and his appearance dishevelled.

"Were you friends immediately?"

"Yeah, I guess. We came from similar backgrounds. Our parents became friends through the yacht club. My father and Jimmy's father were both into sailing," Kirsten answered. "We hung out a lot at the Newport functions our parents would drag us to."

"Tell me about how you got together."

"It was our cotillion…" Kirsten started, before she was interrupted.

"Cotillion?"

Kirsten blushed, embarrassed by her background. Of course not everyone had cotillions.

"It's a formal event that Newport holds when all the young girls make their debut into society," Kirsten explained. "Every girl is introduced with her father and greeted by her date. Everyone has to get dressed up and you dance, it's stupid really."

"And Jimmy was your date?"

"Yes, he was. He's always been a gentleman. I was proud to make my debut with him," Kirsten said. "Jimmy had a party at his parents' house afterwards and we were outside talking. It got kinda cold so he gave me his jacket to put on to keep me warm. And he kissed me."

"Sounds romantic?"

Kirsten smiled. "Yeah, it was. Jimmy always knew how to romance a girl."

"You said he was your first. Was he the first person you had sex with?"

Kirsten felt her face flush with red at such a personal question. "Yeah, he was. We, uh…we were each other's firsts."

Dr Halliwell smiled at her coyness. "You can tell me as much or as little about it as you want."

"It's ok, it's just that I haven't thought about it in such a long time," Kirsten said. "He took me out on his dad's yacht. We had a picnic and champagne, and then we made love in the open air in the middle of the ocean."

"He had planned it?"

"Yeah, I think so. I mean, he was…prepared," Kirsten answered. "But I didn't feel pressured. Nothing would have happened if I hadn't wanted it to. And I wanted to sleep with him. I loved him"

"And you were drinking?"

"Well, yeah, but we weren't drunk if that's what you mean. I knew what I was doing," Kirsten defended.

"Did you drink much when you were together?"

"You mean did we drink every time we had sex?" Kirsten's tone was annoyed at the accusation. "No, we didn't."

"You're angry at the question?"

"You make it sound like the only reason I would sleep with him was because I was drunk. Don't you think that's unfair? On me and on Jimmy?" Kirsten asked.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like that," Dr Halliwell apologised.

Kirsten raised her eyebrows at the doctor's apology. That was a first.

"Tell me more about your relationship."

Kirsten noted the change of subject gratefully. "It was sweet. Young love, I guess."

"When did you know you were in love with him?"

Kirsten paused, trying to think of a specific time when she had realised that she loved him. "I think it was one night we came home from the cinema. My dad was away on a business trip and my mom was asleep on the sofa. She'd been drinking; I don't know how much but there was an empty bottle on the table. I hadn't told Jimmy about her drinking problem, but it was obvious. It was awkward and embarrassing, but he didn't say anything though. Hailey started crying upstairs and he just offered to go to her – she adored Jimmy when she was little – and he left me to get my mom to bed. He knew how I felt without having to ask me. I think it was then that I knew I loved him."

"It sounds like you loved him a lot?"

Kirsten smiled. "I did back then. I mean, I still do, I suppose. You never stop loving someone completely, do you? At least, I hope you don't."

"I think first loves are always different to any other relationship you have. It sounds like you were very happy together; did you argue much?"

"No, not at all. It wasn't that kind of relationship. It was easy…simple," Kirsten answered. "Jimmy was always very easygoing. He never liked a confrontation, he'd rather go along with whatever I wanted to avoid any arguments."

"Sounds great."

"Yeah," Kirsten said unenthusiastically.

"It wasn't so great?"

Kirsten sighed. "No, it was great. We were great."

"But?"

"I guess, sometimes it was too easy. Sometimes I just wanted more," Kirsten said.

"Is that why things ended between you?"

"I guess. We were together for two years until we went to college. Jimmy stayed close to home and went to USC and I went to Berkeley," Kirsten answered.

"You never tried to make the relationship work long distance?"

Kirsten shook her head. "I think we both knew it wouldn't work. I mean, Jimmy's future was planned out just like mine was supposed to be. His father was an investment advisor and he expected Jimmy to follow in his footsteps. Jimmy was the kind of guy who liked to please people so he obliged."

"And you wanted a different life?"

Kirsten nodded. "It wasn't that I was unhappy with Jimmy or that I didn't love him, but if we had made it work, I would have had the life I was trying to get away from. The Newport life. Jimmy's life."

"How did Jimmy feel about it?"

"He wanted us to stay together. I think…I think maybe he loved me more than I loved him. Is that a terribly egotistical thing to say?"

Dr Halliwell shook her head and Kirsten continued.

"Our parents wanted us to stay together. My dad was mad enough at my decision to go to Berkeley to study Art History; he hated it when I told him that me and Jimmy were splitting up. He even tried to convince Jimmy to propose to me."

"Did he?"

"No. He knew I would say no," Kirsten answered. "But he was upset about it. He tried to get me to change my mind, but I didn't. I couldn't. I wanted more than he could give me."

"Did you stay friends?"

"Yeah, of course. He's always been someone I can talk to about pretty much anything. He and his family ended up living next door to us when we moved back to Berkeley. We were neighbours for nearly 10 years."

"But not any more?"

"No. Jimmy and his wife, Julie, got divorced last year. Jimmy got himself in trouble – money trouble," Kirsten was deliberately vague. "They sold the house to my dad."

"So your dad and Jimmy were still close?"

"Um, not really. My dad bought the house for Julie," Kirsten said. She saw the puzzled expression on Dr Halliwell's face. "It's kind of confusing. When Jimmy and Julie split up, Julie started dating my dad and they got married last year."

"And Jimmy was dating your sister?"

Kirsten nodded, a smile spreading on her face. "I told you it was confusing."

Dr Halliwell couldn't help but smile at the pseudo-incestuous relationships in Kirsten's family.

"How did that affect your relationship with Jimmy?"

"It didn't really. I mean, we were friends, nothing was going to change that," Kirsten said.

"What about Sandy? What did he think about your friendship with Jimmy?"

"There were times when he didn't like it, but he and Jimmy became friends eventually," Kirsten answered.

"What kind of 'times'?"

"Um…well, last year when Jimmy was having money troubles, he asked me to lend him some money. I did, but I didn't tell Sandy. I think he was more upset that I didn't tell him rather than lending Jimmy the money," Kirsten said. "And, uh…just after Jimmy split from his wife, he, uh…he tried to kiss me."

"Did you respond?"

"No!" Kirsten replied quickly. "It was something stupid that shouldn't have happened and Jimmy knew that. He'd just lost his family, he wasn't thinking straight."

"And now? How is your relationship with Jimmy now?"

"It's good. He moved away from Newport last year. After Hailey went to Japan for her job, he ended up having an affair with Julie…"

"His ex-wife? The one who was married to your dad?"

Kirsten nodded. "Yeah. His oldest daughter, Marissa, found out and it was all a big mess. He got a job offer in Hawaii and he took it."

"How did you feel about him leaving?"

"I was sad, I didn't want him to go. I think a part of me was jealous too. I mean, I left Newport to go to college and I thought I would never go back. Now he's gone and I'm still there. It wasn't supposed to be that way round," Kirsten said.

"You're bitter?"

"No, I mean it was good for Jimmy to leave, I think. He needed to sort his life out and he did. I was pleased for him," Kirsten answered.

"But?"

"He left just after I'd found out about Lindsey and just before things got rough with Sandy. It felt like my life was slowly turning into this big mess and he was finally sorting his out. Maybe that's cruel, but my life was always so together compared to his. I guess it was a shock to suddenly be the other way around," Kirsten admitted. "But that doesn't mean that I'm not glad he got his life figured out. Out of everyone I know, he deserves it the most."

Dr Halliwell nodded, understanding. "So maybe bitter was the wrong word? You're…"

"Envious, I think," Kirsten interrupted without realising. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Dr Halliwell said, glad that Kirsten was obviously more comfortable in these counselling sessions now. "Ok, one last question. Tell me how Jimmy changed your life?"

"Oh, um…" Kirsten fell silent as she thought of her answer. "He made me more confident inside. I mean, I'd always been able to carry myself as confident but that was on the outside. Jimmy was the first person to love me because he wanted to. He made me feel good about myself. And he was the first person I ever loved, that'll always mean something to me."

Dr Halliwell smiled at her answer, before leaning back in her chair. "Well, Kirsten, I'm very impressed with how you're doing here at Suriak. You've made great progress already."

Kirsten smiled bashfully. "Thank you. I still feel like there's so much more to talk about though."

"Don't worry, we have plenty of time. We'll keep doing this until we've talked about everything you want to talk about," Dr Halliwell reassured her. "I think we're done here today, unless there's something else you want to say?"

Kirsten shook her head. She still found these counselling sessions exhausting.

"Enjoy your weekend. Think about speaking to Hailey," Dr Halliwell said.

"I will. Thank you," Kirsten said, standing up from her chair. She left the room and made her way back to the sanctuary of her room, desperate for some peace to dissect her counselling session.

The positive feeling that had been growing was still with her and Kirsten was pleased. Curling up on her bed, she stared at the photo of her family next to her, feeling one step closer to going home.