A/N: Thanks to everyone for all the lovely reviews. I can't believe you guys are still reading so faithfully although I'm taking so inexcusably long with the updates lately. I would've given up by now if it wasn't for you guys. I'm especially glad that the story seems to have found new readers and I hope you all will enjoy what comes next. Which is only one of the shorter chapters, but an important one.

TOW all the answers

Joey was sure that he would never forget what he had just seen for the rest of his life. Rachel coming out of the shower. Naked, pregnant, glowing, wet, aroused… and waiting.
Waiting for him to stop ogling her like some kind of pervert. Waiting for him to get over himself and his stupid fears, the stupid pictures in his head. Waiting, like she had been for almost six months now.

He knew he needed to tell her. He knew she needed to know what was up with him, why he couldn't even bring himself to touch her anymore.

It took her a long time but eventually she came out of the bathroom, tightly wrapped into a fluffy white bathrobe.

"Rach…" he started, gesturing for her to come to him.

She did, but sitting down on the couch, she made sure to bring as much distance as possible between them.

Before he could start to say something she looked at him sadly and said, "I just wish you could forgive me."

Joey was shocked that she believed that this was what was keeping him from her. Then again, how should she know what was up with him? He took a deep breath and scooted closer to her, nearly amused by her startled look. He took both her hands in his and tried to explain.

"Rachel, I've forgiven you the moment I saw our baby on that ultrasound screen, I think you know that. But I could never touch you again without thinking about how he touched you. Without wondering if I make you feel the way Ross made you feel. If you're wishing you were with him instead of me."

She looked at him steadily, unwavering and for a split moment he wondered if she had even understood what he had been saying. But then she looked down at their hands that were still tightly clasped together and was apparently struggling to say something that was difficult for her to admit.

"It was… it was actually the other way around," she finally managed while she looked up at him again, a sliver of uncertainty in her eyes.

"Was it?" he asked a little dumbfounded. Although he always had wanted to know why she had done what she had done, he had never expected to ever tell him voluntarily. She had always dodged questions like that in the past.

"Joey, I can tell you what happened," she began in a quiet voice that was pleading for understanding, "but I don't know if you really want to hear that. It might make it worse."

A knot of anxiety formed in his stomach and it felt like it pulled his heart right down there, too. Even swallowing painfully didn't do anything against the dryness in his throat and he suddenly understood why he had never really insisted that she told him. He was afraid of what she would tell him, of how he would feel about it.

Rachel looked at him, patiently waiting for an answer. There even was a hint of worry in her eyes. It was clear that it was now or never, if he really wanted to know, this was his opportunity to ask.

"Tell me," he said hoarsely, trying to sound surer than he felt.

Rachel let go of his hands and got up, as if she felt the need to get away from him to tell what she needed to say.

"When I went to his place, I really just wanted to talk to him. I knew he would take it badly, after hearing of this the way he did. You know we hadn't planned it that way. We wanted to talk to him alone first and everything."

She looked at him after she'd said that as if she waited for some sort of confirmation.

"Yeah I know," he said at length, not liking the thought of how hurt Ross must have been that evening. "I kinda forgot about that after hearing you were pregnant, though," he added as an afterthought, feeling the need to find an excuse.

"I didn't forget," Rachel stated and though it certainly wasn't meant that way, it made him feel even guiltier. "For me it felt as if talking to him would be a good place to start to get my feet back on the ground. I mean… we had this history, he has experience with becoming a parent and stuff, I thought it would be a good idea. So I went to him. But he was hurt and angry and I was… so confused. Seeing him so miserable just made things worse. And when I told him I love you… it was like I had… stabbed him or something. So… I kissed him."

"I heard him say once that you kissed him first," he said, more to himself than to her, noting somewhere in the back of his mind that Ross hadn't lied to him about that as he had first believed.

"And then I knew why I sought him out. I was so totally overwhelmed with everything, that I tried to go back to something, someone who was familiar to me. And he was. He was the reminder of a time when everything was easy. So I sort of pretended to be 1996-Rachel, talked about working at the coffee house and he played along. And then… stuff happened."

Joey frowned. "Why did he play along? He's a smart guy, even I would've known that if the girl needs to pretend to be someone she's not, there's something really wrong with the whole picture."

"I guess you have to ask Ross that question," Rachel shrugged. "Maybe we both needed to go back there to realize that everything is irrevocably in the past."

Joey mulled that revelation over for a while, but although it explained a lot, it didn't excuse anything.

"I would have been able to live with a kiss, but…"

"I know, Joey. We took it way too far and believe me, not a day has gone by since then when I didn't bitterly regret that. Even if you hadn't found out, it would have been the hardest thing to live with."

It took a while for the hidden meaning of her words to register, but when it did, he looked up at her sharply.

"You wouldn't have told me?"

Rachel visibly straightened and shook her head.

"No," she said with an air of finality. "Because in the end, it didn't mean anything and I knew how much it would hurt you. Telling you would've only served to unburden my guilty conscience on you." Her shoulders slumped a little before she continued her explanation. "You know, back when Ross slept with that copy shop girl, I really wished Gunther hadn't told me. Because for us, nothing would have changed. But the way it was, it changed everything, and there was nothing Ross or I could have done about it once it was out. If I hadn't told you, my punishment would have been to live with the guilt for the rest of my life, knowing how close I came to hurting the man I loved more than anyone before. Knowing that I almost destroyed the future of our child. The moment I saw you looking at me through that window, I knew that this was exactly what was about to happen."

Again a long moment of silence stretched between them during which he digested her words. But there was still something she hadn't told him and he was now more determined than ever to find out what.

"Before… " he started and made a vague gesture, "you said something about… it being the other way around…"

Her understanding nod saved him from having to explain further. He felt that he wasn't quite capable to articulate himself right now.

"Uhm…yeah… " Rachel stammered, "so, somewhere in the middle of all this, when I… when he…" She stopped and buried her face in her hands. "Oh my God I can't do this…"

"What happened?" he demanded.

(Flashback to day 52)

"How about we make each other forget about this horrible day?" Rachel breathed seductively, her lips brushing over Ross's.

"Very good idea, Rachel," he whispered back and closed the remaining space between their lips with a passionate kiss.

They kept kissing for a while until passion turned into to frenzy, emotions turned into obsession and kisses turned into a bruising battle of lips, tongues and teeth.

The next minutes felt like a race, like they had to stay ahead of something and they didn't want to think about what it was, nor did they care. Only vaguely did she register that clotheswere impatiently shed and that there was a general movement in the direction of Ross's bedroom. It was all a blur.

Intently staring at each other, lest someone would start thinking about someone else, they got lost in a sea of memories, of a revival of a past that held so much good for them, so much happiness.

When Rachel found herself naked in Ross's bed, lying under a just as naked Ross, the sensation of him softly pushing against her entrance had her close her eyes in anticipation of the exquisite sensations ahead. But as she did close her eyes, her frantic, desperate grip at what was long lost loosened and a breathless utterance of another man's name escaped her lips.

"Oh, Joey."

It was then that the race was lost. It was when she felt Ross's body going rigid above her, that she knew that the present had caught up with the past, that there was - and rightfully should be - no escaping it.

Ross scrambled off her so fast and uncoordinated, trying to squeeze himself into a corner of the bed as far from her as possible, that she almost started to laugh.

She sat up and carefully drew the comforter up to her neck, suddenly feeling weird about Ross seeing her naked.

(End flashback)

Rachel felt like dangling from the cliff of sanity while she waited for Joey to recover from the shocked stupor he seemed to be in. It had been okay for a few minutes, but now she felt like shaking him or slapping him or something just to get a response out of him. Kissing would be an alternative, too, maybe she should… no, as experience had proved, that led to even more problems.

"I can't believe this," Joey muttered under his breath just as she was contemplating pulling her hair.

"This isn't a lie, Joey. Ask Ross," she managed to say after taking a few calming breaths.

"I know you're not lying, Rach, but this is just so... weird. You mean he didn't even… finish?"

It seemed like an odd notion, but then again, it wasn't completely unlikely that he would ask that question. She sat down beside him and looked at his face until his eyes reluctantly met hers.

"Does that really matter?" she asked quietly.

Now Joey was the one needing distance. He jumped up and started pacing.

"No… yes… I mean, I don't know. God, this is… but… why did you spend the night? Why not come back afterwards? I was going crazy worrying about you."

She sighed unhappily. That was another thing she'd never forgive herself for.

"I know. We had talked. After… I said your name… we started to talk about everything I had intended to talk about with him in the first place. I guess I fell asleep somewhere in between one of Ross's rants about how he's never gonna have a successful relationship."

Joey was still pacing, shaking his head and running his hand through his hair in short intervals. It seemed like there was something about what she'd said that changed everything he had every believed her night with Ross had been. But it shouldn't and maybe she was supposed to tell him that she hadn't told him what happened to make her appear less guilty.

"If it makes it easier," she started, "it was still sex and it was still cheating on my part and it was still non-best-friend-behavior on his part."

That one stopped him cold and he turned to her glowering. His next words were spoken so loudly and angrily that, in comparison to their hushed conversation from before, it came across as yelling.

"I don't need to put it in categories, Rachel! I need to find out how I feel about this."

"I'm sorry, Joey," she whispered, terrified at his outburst.

As soon as he heard those words, his expression abruptly changed from agitated anger to sorrow.

"No, no, Rachel, I'm sorry," he hurried to say and sat down on the couch again, taking her hands. "This is a lot for me to deal with, I need to think about it. But I'm glad you told me. I always wanted to understand why you did it, how it happened. It couldn't have been easy to tell me that."

She acknowledged his apology with a nod and an attempted smile but soon started to get up and walk to her bedroom. After all, he had said he needed time to think.

tbc

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