As always, thank you so much for the reviews. I hope you like this chapter, I think it's a nice break from the counselling sessions.

And a big thank you to Sunny for your suggestions and honesty!

It was Sunday afternoon. Kirsten was perched in the small alcove of her bedroom window, her back cushioned by pillows against the frame. Her room overlooked the beautiful gardens and stunning backdrop of the ocean. The window was open and she inhaled deeply, the fresh air filling her lungs. Below her, people walked the grounds with their visitors – family and friends. Next week she would be allowed her own visitors.

Would Sandy come? Would he bring Seth and Ryan?

Not a moment of the day passed when she didn't think about them. She wondered if they were eating properly; if they were keeping the house tidy; if they had clean clothes to wear every day. A smile passed her lips as she thought about the times they shared – meal times; the late afternoon banter when she would arrive home from work to find them all conversing in the kitchen; the rare evenings when they would all be home and find themselves congregating together so naturally.

She longed for next week when she would be able to see them – to feel Sandy's arms around her again, to hear Seth's anecdotes and to share amused looks with Ryan as they listened. Having her family around would only serve to make her stronger; to make her work harder; to help her achieve her final goal of going home. She felt her body tingle with excitement and she hoped the next week would pass quickly.

Kirsten sighed and looked down at the notebook in her hands. Her pen had lingered over the pages for the past hour but she had written nothing. She was starting to appreciate Ryan's silence. Words couldn't always express how you were feeling. Instead, she had started to sketch the view from her window – the water, the trees and bushes, the blossomed flowers. She wondered if she would be able to transfer it onto a canvas and determinedly decided to join the art class on Wednesday.

'It might even be fun,' she thought to herself.

She wondered if she should be having fun here. She wasn't on holiday, she was here to face her problem and get better. But did it all have to be so serious? She felt like she was getting better. Friday's counselling session had been easier than the others, not because of the subject matter, but because she had felt more comfortable and more willing to be honest. The old Kirsten Cohen was coming back – the one who was focused and determined and strong.

When Monday arrived, Kirsten had made up her mind. Today was the day.

She went to her group session, her hands shaking slightly, but her feelings resolute. She sat and listened to the counsellor as he spoke to them, trying to concentrate on his words but too busy thinking about her own. Her speech was planned. She just needed to say those eight words.

"Who would like to start today?" the counsellor asked.

Kirsten sat back in her chair nervously, her eyes darting from face to face as she waited for a volunteer. A young woman confidently held up her hand and the counsellor nodded towards her to start. Kirsten sighed with relief.

"My name is Natalie and I'm an alcoholic."

Eight words.

Kirsten's foot started to tap lightly on the floor and her hands were tightly clasped together in her lap. She ran her fingers over her wedding finger, noting the lack of her wedding rings again. She wished Sandy was here now, offering his silent support. She remembered the small push he had given her last Chrismukkah when they had been at Lindsey's house, and when the counsellor asked for the next person to speak, she imagined his hand was there again on the small of her back. Hesitantly, she raised her hand.

The counsellor smiled, surprised by her participation. "Go ahead," he urged her.

Kirsten nodded and took a deep breath.

"My name is Kirsten and…"

She stopped. She cleared her throat.

"My name is Kirsten and I'm…"

And suddenly she was choked. She felt a hand grasping her neck, squeezing her oesophagus so that she couldn't breathe. Her legs started to shake uncontrollably and she reached out for the bottom of the chair.

"I…I'm…"

Her face burned as she felt everyone staring at her. She couldn't do it – she couldn't say the words. She felt a heavy weight pressed against her chest and she gasped for air. Her head started to throb. Her eyes threatened to erupt with tears. She stood up abruptly, stumbling backwards, knocking the chair to the floor, and backing out of the room.

No. This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Somehow, her legs carried her down the hall and outside into the fresh air. Her lungs ached as she breathed erratically. Her head continued to pound and every inch of her skin prickled. Her legs finally gave way and she collapsed on the ground, hugging her knees to her chest defensively.

"Kirsten?"

She lowered her head, hiding her face away from the source of the voice. Her cheeks were stained with tear tracks and her cheeks were flushed red. Her body shook as hysteria took over.

She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and she shook it off instinctively.

She heard the stranger pause, as if they were thinking, before he or she sat down next to her. No sound came from this person and Kirsten couldn't help but be intrigued.

'Maybe that was the plan,' Kirsten thought, but it worked. Her breathing steadied and her body calmed down from its uncontrollable shakes. She eventually lifted her head to see Mark sat next to her. She felt strangely glad to see him.

"Freaked out, huh?" he asked bluntly.

Kirsten nodded.

"It happens to a lot of people, don't worry," Mark reassured her. "Although not many make such a dramatic exit from the room."

He grinned at her and Kirsten couldn't help but smile, her face blushing with embarrassment.

"I thought I was ready," Kirsten said quietly.

"It took me three months before I could finally talk in a group session," Mark told her. "You can't rush these things. Don't be afraid to take you time."

"But I don't want to take my time. I want to get out of here as soon as possible," Kirsten said, horrified by the thought of spending three months here.

"Yeah, well, one thing they teach you here is that you have no control over the timescale. You can't force yourself to get better, it happens when it happens. Some people are here for a few weeks, some are here for a few months."

"What about you? How long have you been here?" Kirsten enquired.

Mark simply smiled.

"Please," Kirsten continued. "I want to hear someone else's story."

He stared at her for a moment, before lifting himself to his feet. He held out his hand towards Kirsten.

"Come on, let's walk."

Kirsten looked puzzled but accepted his hand. He pulled her to standing and they started to walk, silently at first. It was a comfortable silence, but Kirsten was desperate for him to talk.

"It's beautiful here, don't you think?" Mark spoke eventually, his eyes staring out at the ocean.

"Yeah, it is," Kirsten agreed.

"I first came here eighteen months ago. It was just after Christmas. The holidays always make things seem worse, don't you think?"

He looked across at Kirsten, who was watching him closely. "Are you sure you want to hear this?"

Kirsten nodded.

"Ten months before I came here, my partner died of cancer," Mark started.

"Your partner? You're…"

"Gay? Yes."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," Kirsten said.

Mark smiled at her embarrassment. "It's ok."

"What was his name?"

"Tyler. He was an incredible guy. We were together for fifteen years. We would have been together forever if I'd had my way," Mark sounded bitter as he spoke. Kirsten understood; she knew how cruel cancer could be.

"Tell me about him," Kirsten encouraged him to continue.

"We met when I was 24, through mutual friends. He was in a relationship at the time, but I was immediately drawn to him. He had these beautiful green eyes," Mark sounded wistful as he spoke. "I'd always floated in and out of relationships, but as soon as I met him, I knew he was the one, you know? We became friends but I wasn't shy about letting him know I wanted more. It was hard for a while, I think sometimes I put too much pressure on him; put him in an awkward position. But I wanted to be with him so much. And you know, the perseverance paid off eventually."

Mark turned and winked at Kirsten, and she couldn't help but laugh.

"It happened one night at this little bar. We'd been out with a group of friends, but one by one they'd all left until it was just the two of us. I bought a bottle of whisky from the bar – good stuff – and we drank our way through it, talking about everything. It was so easy to talk to him. We ended up back and my apartment and…"

"Yeah, I don't need to know the details," Kirsten interrupted him, her cheeks blushing. Mark laughed at her.

"It was the most amazing relationship. He made my life better in so many ways. He changed my whole world."

Again, Kirsten felt like she could relate as an image of Sandy's face came into her mind.

"I'm not saying it was always perfect or easy – no relationship ever is. But it worked so well. I always thought nothing would break us. But then he got ill," Mark said.

"I'm sorry," Kirsten said, lifting her eyes.

"Me too," Mark said sadly. "After he died, I just went spiralling out of control. I didn't eat, I barely slept. I wouldn't answer the door or the phone. I just drank. It helped take the pain away."

"I get that," Kirsten murmured.

"I lost my job and I spent all my money on alcohol. When I couldn't pay my mortgage or bills any more, I lost my house. I had nothing."

"What about your family?" Kirsten enquired.

"My parents threw me out the house when I was seventeen when I told them I was gay. I tried for a couple of years to make amends with them, but they didn't want to know me. I tried one more time, a few years ago. Tyler encouraged me to talk to them. We wanted to start a family and he told me I should try and heal the cracks in my own before we started ours. They were disgusted with the idea, they told me they never wanted to see me ever again. So they won't."

Kirsten frowned, amazed that any parents could be so cruel and heartless. She thought about Seth and Ryan, and how she could never imagine turning her back on them like that.

"So how did you get here?" Kirsten asked, hoping for his sake that someone had helped him.

"When the holidays arrived, it made it all worse. I was moving from hostel to hostel; Tyler was gone; I had no job, no money; I'd lost contact with all my friends. I was living off whiskey and pretzels and whatever free meals I could get. It was early evening and I was just walking to nowhere in particular, when I saw this car that someone had left running. I don't know what I was thinking – I wasn't really thinking – so I got in and drove off. I'd never stolen anything in my life. I was so stupid, I'd been drinking all day. The roads were icy and when I turned a corner, the car skidded out of control. I crashed into a shop window and I was only a few inches away from hitting this little kid, he was only about five years old. I've never been so scared my whole life. I was arrested for drink driving and the judge sent me here."

"And you've been here for eighteen months?"

"On and off. I was here for five months the first time, but as soon as I left I freaked out. I had no support system out there and I'd learnt to rely on the doctors and other patients here too much. I was back in here within a month, stayed for three, then left again. I was ok for a while, I'd found some of my old friends and I'd found a job."

He fell silent and Kirsten urged him to continue. "What happened?"

"I just wasn't happy. I'm not sure I can ever be happy again, not without Tyler. I've been in and out of here ever since. I haven't figured out how to live without him yet."

Kirsten felt guilty listening to his story. She had a husband and two sons waiting for her at home who loved her; she had friends who cared about her; she had a home and a job. Yes, life had been tough recently. She had lost her father after screaming unforgettable things to him and she felt like she had been losing everyone else who was special to her – Sandy, Seth and Ryan. But she hadn't; they were still there. They had just been unreachable for a while.

"So, that's my story," Mark said matter-of-factly. "What about you?"

Kirsten opened her mouth, wondering how she could explain to him why she was here. The truth was, she didn't have the answer yet. That was something she was still trying to figure out. She didn't have time to speak before someone else spoke first.

"Kirsten?"

They turned to see Dr Halliwell approaching them.

"I think that's my cue to leave," Mark said. "I'll see you around."

"Mark?" Kirsten called after him. He paused and turned around towards her. "Thank you."

Mark smiled and left them. Kirsten looked back towards Dr Halliwell.

"I'm sorry if I interrupted," Dr Halliwell apologised.

Kirsten shook her head. "It's ok," she said, grateful for the interruption.

"I heard about what happened. How are you feeling?" Dr Halliwell asked, gesturing towards a nearby bench.

They sat down together and Kirsten sighed.

"I thought I could do it. I thought I was getting better," she said.

"Kirsten, you are getting better. But these things take time, you can't force yourself to do these things. It'll happen when you're ready for it to happen," Dr Halliwell said.

Kirsten smiled slightly as Dr Halliwell repeated Mark's words. "I know. I just…I want to be better, I want to go home."

"I know. Everybody here feels the same as you. You just have to be patient. I promise, you'll get there in the end," Dr Halliwell tried to encourage her. "Have you thought about inviting your family here to visit next weekend?"

Kirsten nodded. "I want to see them so badly and yesterday it was all I could think about. But now, I don't know."

"Why?"

"I don't know if I want them to see me here. I mean, what if they turn up and I'm having a bad day? I don't want them to see me like this," Kirsten said.

"Don't you think they'd want to be here to support you, no matter what?"

Kirsten shrugged. "Me and Sandy, we've never been like this before. And I haven't exactly been 'Mom of the Year' this year."

"I think you'd be making a mistake if you didn't see them," Dr Halliwell said.

Kirsten dropped her head and Dr Halliwell studied the mass of blonde hair. She had seen it so many times – a patient would gain a little bit of confidence, only to be disappointed when they realised they had only just started their journey. But watching Kirsten, she knew she was talking to someone who wouldn't give up that easily.

"I'm going to leave you to your thoughts, but if you need me, you know where my office is. If not, I'll see you tomorrow," Dr Halliwell said.

Kirsten nodded and smiled gratefully. "Thank you."

Leaning back on the bench, Kirsten took in a deep breath of the fresh air. She lifted her head towards the sky, watching the clouds that sat high above her. When she was a little girl, she would spend hours lying on the grass in her yard watching the clouds and finding patterns in them. She looked now, distracting her mind as she tried to find outlines in the sky.

Her heart felt heavier now than it had done this morning. She had felt so positive over the weekend and now she felt like she had gone back to square one. She wasn't sure she had the energy to face all these ups and downs. Especially the downs.

But she had got this far. She was tired and weary, but she wasn't as desolate as the night she had arrived. She had taken a step forwards once before, she could do it again. She just had to learn to be patient. Hugging her arms around her body, she closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the sun on her face. With that little piece of determination, she felt like she might just get through this.