A/N: Thanks again for all the nice reviews. It's a great motivation to know there are people out there reading and loving the story. I have to admit, I often look at the reviews again before I start working on the story. Means... you know... keep it up. :)
TOW the trust
Something was happening. Rachel just knew it. In the span of only a few hours, there had been a major shift, a major change of what was happening between her and the man she loved and it left her with a breathless anticipation she could hardly contain. It also left her unable to drift off to sleep.
When she tried, when she closed her eyes, she kept seeing the look in his eyes after they had reminisced about Monica and Chandler's wedding. A look so different from the wounded near-hatred of the first day after her failing him, so full of something she didn't want to name for fear she was imagining it. They had kept stealing surreptitious glances at each other, looking away as soon as their eyes met, but seeking each other's gaze again only moments later. Their friends' company had felt stifling after a while and Joey had almost too obviously jumped at the chance to get away when Rachel mentioned that she needed to prop her aching feet up.
What affected her on a more physical level was what had happened when they had gone home in a tense, although not wholly uncomfortable silence. When she had shuddered a little, more an effect of her emotional turmoil than the chilling early summer air, he had reached out and taken her hand in his. The feeling of his warm, dry hand firmly enveloping her slightly cool fingers added to her confusion, sent a rush of adrenalin through her and helped built a sense of expectation she wasn't able to shake.
Her heart had pounded in her throat when they had reached the door of their apartment, when the moment had come when he had to either let go of her hand or…
He ended up doing something astonishingly sweet and utterly unromantic. He helped her out of her coat, led her to the couch, propped up her feet and gently massaged them until the leaden heaviness in her lower limbs gave way to a pleasant, tingling warmth. But as pleasant as it was it only made her hungry for more. More of his knowing touch, of his warm hands, of his undivided attention.
She was convinced that one of these days she would go crazy, torn between self-loathing and self-righteous annoyance at his indecisiveness. Some days she thought that maybe making a clear cut would be better than constantly being in this limbo of unfulfilled expectation, repeatedly dashed hopes and constantly guarded behavior. Some times she doubted it – he - was worth it. Most times she did not.
Even after watching a surprisingly dull TV movie, she still felt high-strung and on edge. Claiming she was tired and needed to go to her bed, she quickly left. She had almost convinced herself that she needed to sleep, but soon found out that wasn't likely to happen any time soon. Every time her wandering thoughts even fleetingly touched on today's events, another rush of nervous excitement rushed through her, leaving her with fast, stumbling heartbeat and a kicking baby, probably annoyed about the constant interruptions of sleep.
After a few hours of tossing and turning – or in her case – rather labored rolling from one side to another, she got up for a glass of water.
Joey was still watching TV or at least staring blankly at the screen, but quickly looked up when she appeared in her door. Acutely aware of his gaze following every one of her movements, she desperately tried to appear normal and in control, wondering how long that façade would hold.
But when he wordlessly held his hand out for her when she was on her way back to her room, when his eyes beckoned her to come to him, she stopped wondering anything.
Haltingly she took his outstretched hand and sat down on the lounger in her usual, somewhat uncomfortable position for their nightly talks. Only that he didn't seem inclined to talk. He just took her in his arms and carefully laid back on the lounger, bringing her with him so she was lying snugly beside him, her belly firmly pressed against his stomach, her face only inches from his.
It might have been an uncomfortable position, but she wasn't complaining. She wasn't even thinking. In fact, she wasn't even sure she was breathing. All she was aware of was her heartbeat thundering in her ears, his eyes locked with hers, the scent and warmth of his body overpowering her senses. He hadn't held her like that in months. Not since… then. There had been touching, holding hands, his hand on the small of her back, guiding her somewhere, a kiss on the forehead… but nothing like this. She wished that time would stop, that they could stay like this forever.
It was a revelation and a bit like a déjà vu, like that first night with her lying in his arms, not quite knowing what that night would bring. With indisputable clarity she realized that it had been this precise moment she'd started to fall in love with him. Because of the way she felt when she was in his arms. She'd often asked herself over the past months if maybe it was just the great sex, or the way he always told her she was special and beautiful and everything. If it was the way he treated her, or the way he made her laugh. But in the end it came down to this simple truth, she was happy when she was with him, and unhappy when she wasn't. So now, even while aching for more; she was truly happy.
She smiled at him and Joey smiled back, hesitantly and then cleared his throat.
"Rach, I've gotta tell you something."
Her throat went dry and her smile vanished in an instant. She knew that this was the moment things started to change and right now, she wasn't sure anymore if she wanted them to.
"When you told the others before, that I don't trust you, I didn't say anything. But I should have. I should've told you that I do. I trust you."
"You do?" she asked, uncomprehending. "Even after… what I did?"
At first it seemed as if he tried to avoid looking at her after she asked that question, but after a few moments, he looked straight at her again.
"When you told me… about what happened that night… with Ross… I truly believe that it didn't have anything to do with you choosing him over me. I believe that it is in the past now. I trust you, Rachel. With everything. Around everyone."
Hope enveloped her like his comforting embrace at the thought of what this admission could implicate.
"Joey… this… Are you… saying we could…"
To her disappointment, he didn't confirm this, and he looked like he wasn't done with what he wanted to tell her.
"I trust you, Rach, but the thing is… I'm scared. I know the fear now… the fear of getting hurt like that again. Because what happened… it almost killed me."
She let his words sink in for a long while. For six months she had scarcely thought about anything else than how to make him believe – really believe – that she would never hurt him again. A promise, in the end, was just words. Words that - in her case - had proven to be of no value. Whatever she wanted to prove, it had to be with more than words. But right now, words were all she had.
"I know. And I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for having done this to you. But I will never hurt you again. Not just because of a promise I've already broken once, but because breaking your heart, seeing you suffer for something I did… it broke my heart too. Even if you hadn't… ended it; if you hadn't stopped loving me, it would've ripped me apart to know that I'd hurt you so badly. I wouldn't be able to live with myself anymore if I ever do that again."
Joey lifted his hand and started to caress her face lovingly. The ache in her heart grew tenfold at his tender touch.
"I've never stopped being in love with you, Rach. I still love you, I think I always will … you know… 'until my dying day'."
He smiled a bit at the reference and tears shot into her eyes. "I love you too, Joey. So very much… so much," she choked out, barely able to speak at all.
"I want us to be together again, to be a couple… ", he whispered, his voice slightly breaking too. Then he gingerly touched her belly, "…a family."
She started to smile and then she buried her face against his chest and cried and laughed and finally understood what Joey had meant back then when he said he felt so much it felt like his heart was going to explode. It was what she was feeling right now.
"Don't cry, Rach," he whispered. "I never want to see you cry again."
She lifted her head and looked up at him smiling brightly through her tears. "These are happy tears, Joe. I'm so… so happy. And I have a feeling there will be more of those tears in the future. Love you."
He smiled brightly and happily. "Love you too, Rach."
She felt an almost psychotic urge to kiss him, but as it were, their cramped position on the lounger and her severely limited maneuverability made that impossible, especially since he didn't seem to pick up on what she was trying to accomplish.
"Joe, can we please move this someplace else because… I can't even… kiss you here and I really want to."
His smile faltered and he closed his eyes, letting out a troubled sigh. The sight made her freeze and the feeling of dread took residence in her stomach once again.
"About that…" he started before she could ask him what was wrong. "You do realize that I can't… that nothing's gonna happen… between us… you know… sex-ually."
The way he dragged the last word, the way he had used it seemed slightly off to her. It didn't sound like something he would say, it sounded as if he had repeated what someone else had told him and Rachel was sure she knew who that might have been.
"Is this because of what Dr. Zimmerman said? That we shouldn't have sex during the pregnancy? That was bullshit, I asked my doctor. He just said that to you because he couldn't stand you."
For some reason, that wiped the furrows off Joey's face and replaced it with a expression of astonished curiosity.
"Why couldn't he? Because he thought it was my fault?"
"No, he recognized you," Rachel answered. During the two days in the hospital, she had soon found out where Dr. Zimmerman's misgivings regarding Joey had been coming from. "His wife is a DOOL fan and from what I gathered quite into Dr. Drake. I guess he was jealous."
The furrows were back again and Joey sighed miserably again.
"What he said… I thought it could buy me some time to… get over… the problem I have. I thought with you being pregnant and giving birth and stuff… it wouldn't come up for a while."
She had to close her eyes for a while as the meaning of his words hit her full force. Of course, it wasn't about Dr. Zimmerman's warnings. Even he wouldn't have objected against a few kisses. It was something, something deeper. Something she had even seen herself, back when she had tried to kiss him a couple of months ago.
"By problem you mean… the things you see when we… do stuff?" she finally stammered, hoping against hope that he she wasn't right, that it was something simpler, more superficial, something more easily solvable.
"How do you know that?" he asked with a mixture of embarrassment and surprise.
"I was there once, too, remember," she told him with a fake, pained smile. "I saw those pictures for months. I just thought…" she trailed off, at a loss for words. She didn't know what she'd thought. It was more that she'd hoped he would've been over this by now, he would be all right.
She sat up, suddenly needing to get some space between herself and his intoxicating nearness.
He sat up too, took her hands in his and looked at her pleadingly. "It has nothing to do with me not being in love with you, or not trusting you. Nothing with the pregnancy or anything about you, really. It's me. And it's not that I don't want to. I do. I want you so bad… I want to kiss you and touch you and… I want that. But you know what happened last time, so… it's probably gonna be a while. Maybe I just need a little more time… I think it has gotten a little better already."
It took a considerable effort, trying to force down the disappointment and frustration she was feeling. Smiling at him encouragingly while her own hopes had just been shattered. A kiss… she wouldn't even want more than that… just a kiss.
"Rach, I know I should've told you this before telling you I want to get back together. So if you don't…"
While he spoke she had looked down at their intertwined hands for a while and a sudden clarity came over her at the sight. It wasn't just a kiss she'd wanted. In fact, if it came down to it, if she really thought about it, a kiss was far down on the list of things she wanted. She interrupted him decisively.
"No, Joey, no. This… your problem… it changes nothing. I still love you and I still want to be with you, have our future… our family. I'm gonna wait until you're ready. Even if it takes forever."
Joey lifted his eyebrows and looked at her quizzically, disbelievingly.
"It doesn't bother you? You think it never would?"
Now a genuine, happy smile lit up her face, a continuation from the one from before, when he had told her he wanted to be back together.
"Of course it would. I mean… I loved having sex with you. It was always amazing and I wouldn't even have her if it wasn't for us… making love. But if this is what it takes to be near you again, to live with you and to raise our child together, it won't matter. Because that's what I really want. Come what may."
He smiled sadly and gently brushed his fingertips over her belly. "Come what may," he echoed and looked at her, "I love you."
"I love you," she mouthed back, her throat closed up with a fresh bout of happy tears that she tried to keep at by. She took a couple of deep breaths and when she felt she could speak again she gave his hand a gentle squeeze and looked at him pleadingly.
"Joe, can you… I don't want to spend this night alone. I never want to spend a night alone again, but tonight… I just want to feel you near me… nothing more."
He let go of her hand and nodded. "Okay, Rach, just give me… a few minutes, all right?"
She nodded understanding because she needed some time to calm down, too. She turned around and headed for her room, not looking back. When she crawled under her comforter, she was already in a state of heightened arousal that was fueled by the image of what Joey might be doing out there combined with the emotional impact of what just had happened between them. Considering that they hadn't kissed and barely touched each other, the tremors running through her body, the tingling of her skin and her short breath seemed almost unnatural, unreal. It had to be the hormones, there was no other explanation.
Over the last months, she had always thought that it was a pity she never had the opportunity to make good use of those pregnancy hormones. She was sure having sex would be an overwhelming experience. But as it was, she had to get rid of the tension at least for a little while before the man she so badly wanted was going to sleep right next to her.
Without wasting much time she brought her hand between her legs, softly stroking herself, sighing. She imagined him doing something similar on the lounger, imagined him closing his eyes and moaning, saying her name…
"Rachel?"
"Hmm," she moaned, completely caught up in her fantasy.
Then she felt the mattress shift because someone was sitting down on it.
Her eyes snapped open and she stared wide eyed at the man who was supposed to still be in the living room.
"Can I help you?" he asked quietly.
"Uhm…oh…Joey…I…"
It wasn't so much embarrassment that made her stutter, and she desperately hoped he knew that. It was the fact that she was so close, so unbearably aroused that she barely could remember her own name. Having him sitting on her bed wasn't making things any better.
He slowly crawled over her bed until he was face to face with her and then he slightly caressed her face.
"Want me to kiss it better?"
Hope flared up in her, all consuming, intoxicating, dizzying.
"You sure?" she breathed.
"When you told me before you would wait forever, I realized that I don't want to wait forever. I want to make love to you, Rachel. And if I can't make that happen again, who will?"
He leaned down and closed his eyes, moving in to kiss her.
"Wait," she stopped him, reaching over to the side of her bed, turning on her bedside lamp. "It might help to keep your eyes open."
And he did. As did she. She looked at him when he kissed her lips first gently, then with a little more fervor. She looked at him while they slowly reacquainted themselves with tastes and sensations they hadn't felt for so long, just to discover that they hadn't forgotten what they could make each other feel.
She looked at him when he kissed her chest, her breasts, when he cupped one of them with his hand, marveling at their noticeably increased weight and size. She watched him touching her naked belly, kissing it, skimming with his fingertips lightly over her protruding belly button.
As romantic and heartbreakingly sweet all of this was, it was slowly but surely driving her insane. She tried to push her need away again and again, but having him touch her like this, look at her like this… was beginning to take its toll. "Joey…" she whimpered pleadingly, hoping to get his attention.
To her dismay, he didn't seem to have heard her. He still let his hands roam over her belly, totally fascinated. "Please…" she moaned again.
"Shh," he shushed her, "I'll take care of you, I'm gonna make it better, I promise."
But instead of doing this, he reached to the light on the nightstand and adjusted it so her belly was even better illuminated. "There is a line," he murmured, " …going from here", he touched her navel, " down."
"It's a pregnancy thing," she answered, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice, "When the pregnancy's over, it's gonna go away."
"It's kinda cute," he smiled and moved up a bit, getting closer to her face again, still smiling.
"It shows me the way."
With that he traced the line from her navel down to her pubic area and further down until he reached her entrance.
She had to close her eyes when his fingers plunged inside her and his thumb pressed down on her clit. He still knew exactly how she liked this and he did it so well.
"Ahhhhhhh… Joey, yeah… oh my God oh…"
An unstoppable stream of moans tore itself free from her mouth when he started to move his fingers but soon enough, he stopped again. "Look at me," he demanded.
And she did. She opened her eyes again to see him staring at her with eyes black as coals, looking right into her heart, into her soul. There was no hiding from this unyielding gaze, no secrets and no lies. But she hadn't anything to hide, she could allow herself to let him see everything. She let him see what it did to her to have him near her; to have him touch her; to have him make her come.
"I love you," she whispered breathlessly when the waves of her orgasm had ebbed away a bit, "I love you so much."
A happy smile played around the corners of his mouth and the warmth came back into his eyes as he leaned down to kiss her. This time, he closed his eyes and she allowed herself to close hers, too. She felt his kisses gain intensity and passion. If there had been an exploring and almost playful quality to his caresses before, now there was unrestrained need and she welcomed this because she was far from calling it a night. When she tried to get him out of the clothes he was wearing, the drawbacks to her condition became apparent. He sat up smiling.
"I think as long as you're pregnant, I can take care of this myself," he said while taking off his t-shirt and sweatpants.
She sat up and watched him undress, openly admiring what she saw. They just looked at each other for a long time before he touched her belly again.
"I don't want to hurt her … or you. So if you think Dr. Zimmerman might have been right …"
The words 'screw Dr. Zimmerman' were on her tongue but she swallowed them, opting for something less mood-killing. "Maybe for starters, we can try… not to move."
The glint in his eyes told her he knew what she was referring to. He laid down next to her and they picked up where they'd left off until they were both burning with the same need. With an agility that surprised even herself, she turned him onto his back, straddled him and then sunk down onto him in one fluid movement.
Even if she had been planning to, she would've been unable to move because the feeling of being together like this again was mind blowing. "Don't move… don't move…" Joey rambled under his breath and only when she was about to tell him she wasn't going to did she realize that he was saying this to himself. She clenched her inner muscles around him and his breathless words were interrupted by an almost pained moan.
"Look at me," this time the command came from her and he obeyed her just the way she had obeyed him before.
He went completely still, he even stopped shaking. It was a magical moment. When she let her gaze sink into his, she looked for something in his eyes, for a hint of doubt, a sliver of hurt, a trace of reproach. But she found none.
She found a heart that was as open to her as it was the day he first told her he loved her. As unguarded and vulnerable. He trusted her with his heart again, despite the scar she'd left, despite the fear she'd caused. Where his trust had been an effortless gesture before; now it was a precious gift, given out of a deep and unbroken feeling; out of love. In this moment she vowed to prove herself worthy of this gift for the rest of her life.
THE END
... well no, just kidding. There are two more chapters to this, where I'm gonna wrap all the loose ends up in a cute little bow. But I guess it has been this chapter you guys have been waiting for. Anyway, let me know what you think.