Thank you SO much for all the reviews that you leave – it's great to know that people are reading and enjoying this fic.

Big thank you to Sunny for beta-ing for me, as always. :)

Sandy studied himself in the mirror. His messy hair was combed neatly for the first time in almost three weeks. He had shaved, getting rid of the stubble that had been a permanent feature since she had been gone. He was wearing the blue tie she always said matched his eyes. He took a deep breath, pushing his shoulders back and puffing out his chest. He wished he felt as confident as he was trying to look. Dark circles hung under his eyes and he sighed, fighting exhaustion.

It had been 18 days since he had seen her last but she had been in his mind constantly from the moment he had left her. He had been waiting for this day for so long and his body shivered with nerves at the thought of seeing her again.

He hoped she understood why.

Their sons didn't. He knew they missed her; he knew they were disappointed that he hadn't given them chance to say goodbye; he knew they were angry that he hadn't trusted them enough to help her through it themselves.

They needed her, now more than ever. Sandy needed her at night; when it was dark and silent, and his mind wouldn't stop, he needed her to hold onto and ease him into a slumber. Ryan needed her in the mornings; when he woke from his nightmares, he needed her calming presence and understanding silence. Seth needed her all the time; when life got too much, he needed to hear her gentle laugh and feel her soothing hand ruffling his hair.

Straightening his tie for the fourth time, he took a deep breath before making his way to the kitchen. Seth and Ryan sat in silence. Seth's eyes were glazed as he stared at the open newspaper in front of him, and Sandy knew he wasn't really reading it. Ryan sat at the kitchen island, pushing his cereal around his bowl and Sandy knew he had barely eaten any of it.

"Morning boys," he greeted them, his voice carrying a forced cheerfulness.

They both looked up at him, acknowledging his presence with glum hellos. He could see the anxiousness in their faces, which mirrored his own feelings.

"Are you guys ready?"

They both paused, staring at him for him a moment, wondering how long they could delay the inevitable.

"Listen…" Sandy started.

Ryan moved his chair backwards noisily, wanting to avoid one of Sandy's speeches. He had heard a lot of them the last couple of weeks. "I'm gonna grab my jacket."

Sandy sighed and watched him hurry out to the poolhouse, before turning his attention back to Seth.

"You alright son?" he asked.

Seth nodded slowly. "Is it wrong that I'm…I'm scared?" Seth asked, his voice small.

"No," Sandy shook his head. "I think we're all scared."

Seth nodded, appreciating his father's honesty. Ryan came back into the kitchen, his jacket in his hand. It was too warm to wear it.

"Come on, let's go," Sandy took command, herding them out of the kitchen.

The journey to the rehab centre was quiet. Sandy was glad of the distraction of driving. Seth's fingers fiddled nervously with the radio, unable to keep still. In the rear view mirror, Sandy could see Ryan staring out of the window.

Ryan was conscious of Sandy's eyes watching him and he stared harder, refusing to meet his eye. He didn't really see the passing scenery though. In his mind, that night repeated over and over in his head – Trey, Marissa and the gun. The screams replayed in his ears; the blood haunted his vision. As hard as he tried, he couldn't push the memory from his mind. Sandy wanted to talk about it, he said it would help. Talk to who? Marissa refused to speak about that night and it was impossible to talk to Trey. Sandy hadn't been there and Seth didn't understand.

It was tearing apart his family – the family he had spent the last two years struggling to fit in to. When he had returned from Chino last summer, he had seen how happy they had been to have him back and he knew he had finally made it. But then Trey had arrived and slowly he had seen it all unravel. Now, Sandy was wrestling with the DA to protect Marissa from being charged with a felony, while struggling to cope with family life on his own; Seth was distant and quiet, barely able to look him in the eye any more; and Kirsten was in rehab, dealing with her own problems. It was a very different family than the one that he had joined two years ago.

How could he start to explain how he felt about that?

It was only when they pulled into the grounds of the centre that someone spoke.

"Where is she?" Seth asked. He had expected her to be waiting, her arms open like they had been last year when he had returned from Portland. He wanted to see her smiling face and dancing eyes, and to feel her happy embrace at seeing her little boy.

He wasn't the only one with those thoughts. Both Sandy and Ryan had been watching…waiting for that first glimpse of her.

"I don't know. Maybe she's inside," Sandy suggested. Deep down, his heart sunk. He had a bad feeling about this.

They walked together and to anyone watching, they would look like a tight family unit – walking in sync up the steps. But they all knew differently. The past few weeks had pushed them further apart than they had ever been.

Sandy's eyes searched for his wife as they passed the groups of patients with their family and friends. He recognised the woman behind the reception. She was the one who had been there when he had brought her here. Julia.

She looked up as they approached.

"Can I help you?"

"Hi. We're here to see Kirsten Cohen," Sandy said.

He saw the frown that creased her forehead momentarily. "Uh…" she murmured as she started to flick through the papers in front of her.

Ryan saw it too. "Is something wrong?"

When Julia looked up, they all saw the sympathetic look that she threw them. "I'm sorry. Mrs Cohen isn't accepting visitors."

The three men stared dumbfounded at her.

"What do you mean, she's not accepting visitors?" Seth was the first one to break the awkward silence.

"I mean, she's asked not to see anyone right now," Julia said cautiously.

"But we're her family," Seth argued. "She's my mom, I want to see her."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but your mom doesn't want to see anyone."

"Not even us?" Ryan asked, the hurt apparent in his voice.

Julia shook her head. "Nobody."

"But why?" Seth continued to argue.

"I don't know," Julia said gently.

"Are you sure there's not been a mistake?" Sandy asked hopefully.

Julia shook her head again. "I'm sorry."

"Can't you just tell her that we're here? Maybe she'd change her mind if she knew we were here," Seth's voice was desperate now.

"Seth," Sandy interrupted, placing a hand on his son's shoulder. Seth shrugged it off.

"No. I don't accept it. She'd want to see us. Why doesn't she want to see us?"

"Sometimes a person just needs to have some space," Julia offered.

Sandy noted the irony as she repeated the words he had spoken himself last year as they had argued about bringing Seth home. It hurt to hear them. It hurt to think that she didn't want to see them as much as they wanted to see her; that she didn't need them the way they needed her. It scared him to think that she didn't know that they were there for her; whatever she needed to get better they would give her. How could he tell her that if she refused to see them?

"Come on, son, let's go," Sandy said, defeated. Apart from forcing his way into the building, there was nothing he could do.

"That's it? You're just going to give up?" Seth asked.

"I'm not giving up on her, Seth…" Sandy started.

"No, you already did that when you brought her here," Seth spat.

Sandy was aware of the faces that turned towards them as Seth took his frustration out on him. He lowered his voice as he spoke authoritatively at his son. "That's enough. We're going."

Seth and Ryan stared at him, amazed at how easily he had backed down. He held the door open, his eyes ordering them to leave. They obeyed, their heads lowered as they avoided the pitiful glances that they were receiving from everyone watching. Nothing was said until they were in the car, out of earshot from the prying world.

"I don't understand," Seth said plainly. "I don't understand why she wouldn't want to see us. And I don't understand why you don't care enough to fight to see her."

"I'm not discussing this with you here," Sandy said, his tone ending the conversation.

The journey home was full of angry silence. Not even the radio played to cover the hurt and confusion that enveloped them all. Seth sulked all the way home, the anger building up inside of him the whole ride home and finally exploding the moment they walked through the front door.

"I can't believe you!" Seth cried before Sandy had even closed the door.

Sandy sighed. "What was I supposed to do, Seth?"

"I don't know. Something – anything. How could you just walk away like that?" Seth answered.

Sandy saw the confusion in his son's eyes and approached him, but Seth pulled away.

"Why did you do it? Why did you send her away?" he asked.

"I didn't send her away, Seth. I took her somewhere to help her," Sandy tried to explain.

"But we could have helped her. You didn't need to ship her off to rehab. Why didn't you just ask her to stop?"

"I tried, Seth! Don't you think I tried?" Sandy snapped, exasperated with his son's ignorance. "She needs help – help that we can't give her. There's more to this than you know and maybe if you hadn't been so wrapped up in your own life this past year, you'd have noticed that."

As soon as he had said it, he regretted it. He saw the hurt that crossed Seth's face.

"Seth, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

Seth backed away from his father. "Tell me," he said, quietly.

"What?"

"Tell me. If there's been so much going on, why don't you tell me? Tell me why you and mom have been fighting all year? Tell me why mom was so mad at you on Valentine's Day? Tell me why you've both been working so much?" Seth retaliated.

He had seen more than Sandy had realised. Sandy was silent. He didn't know how to respond to that. Rebecca, Carter…he wouldn't know how to explain them, not to his son.

"So what happens now?" Seth asked when Sandy didn't respond.

"I don't know," Sandy was tired of always being expected to know the answers. "I guess, when she's ready to see us, she'll call."

He hoped.

Seth dropped his head and turned on his heel. "I have to call Summer," he mumbled.

With a heavy sigh, Sandy turned to look at Ryan, who had been silent during their exchange. He was surprised to the door left open and an empty space where he had previously been stood. Sandy frowned and started towards the door. As he did, he heard the sound of a car engine. He rushed out the front door just in time to see Ryan speeding off in the Range Rover.

"Ryan!" he tried calling after him. But it was too late. He was gone.

Kirsten was sat in the alcove of her bedroom again, overlooking the gardens. She watched the groups of people moving around – some laughing, some crying.

Today was the day she was supposed to see them.

But instead of being out there, with her family, she had chosen to hide upstairs – away from reality. She knew they wouldn't understand but she hoped they would forgive her.

She had done as Dr Halliwell had instructed – all week, she had imagined how she would feel if it was Sandy here, and she was on the outside. She understood the point of the exercise. She knew Dr Halliwell was pushing for her to see her family. But she still had that niggling feeling; the feeling that they would be angry with her. Because if the roles were reversed, she knew she'd be angry at Sandy – for leaving her, for not being able to fight this, for letting her down.

She didn't want to face that. She wasn't ready, she didn't feel strong enough yet.

She still felt lost.

A knock on the door caused her to turn her face away from the window. Julia's head appeared.

"Uh, Kirsten, one of your sons is here. He's very upset. He's refusing to leave until he speaks to you," she said cautiously.

Kirsten's heart jumped a beat. She frowned, guessing it to be Seth. She knew he would be the one who had the most trouble understanding.

"I can't," she said, too afraid of what might be said.

"Kirsten, I really think you need to see him. For his sake, more than yours," Julia coaxed her.

Kirsten heard the concern in her voice and it worried her, her maternal instincts persuading her to stand up and walk across the room, encouraging her as she followed Julia through the building and towards a private room.

She paused outside the door. She wasn't ready for this, but something inside of her told her that she had to do it. With a deep breath, she opened the door and walked inside.

"Ryan?"

The surprise was evident in her voice when she saw him standing in the corner of the room. His posture was rigid, his fists curled in tight balls. His eyes flared when he saw her.

"Ryan, what's wrong?" Kirsten asked immediately. Something wasn't right.

"Why did you send us away today?" Ryan asked outright.

Kirsten sighed. She had expected this from Seth, even Sandy – but not Ryan. This was what she had wanted to avoid.

"Ryan, sweetie, it's complicated…" she started.

"No, it's not. Why did you send us away today?" Ryan repeated his question.

"I just need some time," Kirsten tried to explain.

"And what about us?" Ryan asked. "What about what we want? Did you even think about us?"

"Of course I did," Kirsten argued.

"So why did you do it? We came all this way to see you. We wanted to see you, we needed to see you," Ryan said.

"Ryan, you're scaring me," Kirsten said. His ramblings were making her nervous. "What's going on?"

"This wasn't supposed to happen. Not again."

Kirsten cowered. She knew he was thinking about his mom.

"Oh, Ryan, I'm so sorry," Kirsten said, taking a step towards him. He shrank backwards away from her.

"That's what she used to say. She was always sorry. But it didn't stop; she always went back to the drink. She said she was sorry, but she didn't mean it. Words aren't enough," Ryan told her.

"Ryan, please," Kirsten begged.

"Everybody leaves," Ryan stated. "My dad, my mom, Teresa, Lindsey…and now Trey…"

"Trey's gone?" Kirsten questioned as his voice trailed off.

Ryan finally looked her in the eyes. "Trey's dead."

Kirsten gasped in shock. "Dead?"

Ryan nodded. She could see his body shaking.

"Ryan…" she inched closer to him.

"Trey's gone, and Sandy and Seth keep arguing, and it's all a mess, and we need you at home," Ryan said.

Kirsten was still moving towards him, edging closer until she could reach out to him. She pulled him into her arms. He fought against her at first, muttering under his breath.

"We need you…I need you."

"I'm here, Ryan. I won't leave you, I promise," Kirsten whispered in his ear as she held onto him tightly.

"I'm here."

Sandy was pacing the floor, waiting anxiously for Ryan to come home. It had been nearly four hours and he was starting to get worried. He didn't know what frame of mind Ryan was in right now – about Kirsten, about Trey. He refused to talk about it, no matter how hard Sandy pushed.

The telephone started to ring and Sandy's head jerked up. He raced to answer it.

"Ryan?"

There was silence on the other end.

"Ryan, is that you?"

There was a pause before he heard the soft, familiar voice that he had only heard in his dreams for the past 18 days. "It's me."

"Kirsten."

There was an awkward silence between them, before Kirsten spoke first.

"He was here," she said.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah. He left about twenty minutes ago.He told me about Trey," Kirsten said. "Is everyone ok?"

She knew it was a stupid question. How could everything be ok?

Sandy didn't answer straight away. He wondered how much Ryan had told her. Did she know about the fight? Did she know about Marissa?

"It's…we're doing ok," he said eventually.

"What happened?" Kirsten asked, answering Sandy's question. She didn't know.

"Trey got himself in trouble. He got shot," Sandy answered vaguely, leaving out the most important details: that Marissa killed him before he killed Ryan.

"Should I be worried?" Kirsten asked bluntly.

Sandy wished he could be honest with her. He wanted to tell her everything; to confide in her with his worries and fears; to share the burden with her. But he couldn't.

"I'm dealing with it," he told her.

Kirsten accepted his answer, trusting him. Another awkward silence fell between them. He wanted to ask about today; she knew what he was thinking.

"I'm sorry about this afternoon," Kirsten was the first to speak again. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I don't understand," Sandy said, hoping for an explanation.

Kirsten sighed. "I just…I just need to be on my own for a while," she said. "I'm sorry if that sounds selfish."

"I want to help you through this," Sandy told her.

Kirsten closed her eyes, blinking back tears. "I know. But…I think I need to do this on my own. It's like…I don't know, it's like I've got so used to being part of 'Kirsten and Sandy' that I've forgotten what it's like to be 'Kirsten'. Does that make sense?"

"A little," Sandy lied.

"Don't take that the wrong way, please. I still want to be part of 'Kirsten and Sandy', more than anything. Thinking about you and the boys is the only thing that gets me through each day," Kirsten tried to reassure him.

"So what happens now?" Sandy repeated Seth's question from earlier.

"I'll call you," Kirsten promised.

"I'll be waiting," Sandy said.

And that was enough. To know that he would still be there when she came out the other end gave Kirsten the strength she needed to get through rehab, to fight her demons and to find her way back to the strong, independent woman she once was.

A noise behind him made Sandy turn and found Seth listening.

"Is that mom? Can I talk to her?" Seth asked.

Sandy hesitated.

"It's ok, put him on," Kirsten told him.

Sandy held out the phone to Seth, who snatched it from him quickly.

"Mom?"

"Hey sweetie," Kirsten's voice was soft.

"Are you ok?" Seth asked.

"I'm doing ok," Kirsten answered gently. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I guess," Seth said. "I'm sorry, mom."

"I'm sorry too. About today," Kirsten said. "It's not that I didn't want to see you. I just have a lot to work out before I'm ready."

"I'm sorry this happened. I wish I could change things, get you out of there," Seth said

"Seth, it's ok. I'm where I need to be," Kirsten admitted to him.

"No," Seth denied. "It didn't have to go this far."

"Your dad did the right thing, Seth," Kirsten told him.

"How? By sending you away?"

"By getting me the help I need," Kirsten said.

"But we could have helped you," Seth argued.

"No, you couldn't. I wouldn't have let you," Kirsten said.

"I know I haven't been the best son all year," Seth said.

"You certainly know how to keep life interesting," Kirsten smiled down the phone at him.

"I'm so sorry, mom," Seth apologised.

On the other end, Kirsten shook her head. "No. I was the one who chose to drink. I should be the one who is sorry – for putting you all through this. Well, now I choose to get better. And I will get better."

"What's it like there?" Seth asked curiously.

"It's ok. It's hard, but it's ok. They have cooking lessons, I'm thinking of practising my kitchen skills," Kirsten said, attempting to lighten the conversation.

"Really? Have you warned them to keep the fire department on speed dial?" Seth joked.

Kirsten smiled, relieved to hear his normal quick-witted banter.

"Well, maybe when I'm home, we'll have less takeaways," Kirsten said.

"When will you be coming home?" Seth asked.

"I don't know," Kirsten said gently.

"Soon?"

"I don't know," Kirsten repeated.

She heard him sigh down the phone. From behind him, Seth felt Sandy's hand on his back, coaxing the phone back from him.

"Dad wants to talk. Will you call again soon?" Seth asked.

"Yes, I will, I promise," Kirsten said.

"I love you, mom," Seth said quietly.

"I love you too," Kirsten smiled at his words. It had been a long time since she'd heard them.

She waited patiently until she heard Sandy's voice again. "Hey."

"Hey. I should go," Kirsten said, suddenly feeling reluctant to say goodbye. "Will you call and leave a message when Ryan gets home? He should be there soon."

"Of course," Sandy agreed, wishing she would stay and talk for longer. "I'll talk to you soon?"

"I'll call," Kirsten promised. "I love you."

"Oh, honey, I love you too," Sandy said.

"Bye."

"Bye."

Sandy hit the red button and stared momentarily at the phone, before turning to Seth.

"You ok?"

Seth nodded, pleased to have been able to talk to her for just a few minutes. "I'm sorry, about earlier," Seth said.

Sandy pulled him into a hug. "It's ok, son. We're going to get through this."

The front door opened behind them and a weary-looking Ryan appeared. His hair was dishevelled and his face drawn, but he looked calmer than Sandy had seen him for a long time. Whatever had been said between Ryan and Kirsten, he knew she had reached him. He held out his arm and pulled him into the hug, holding both his boys close.

"We're going to get through this," he repeated. "Together."