Long time, no update. Life got busy and I got too easily distracted with one-shots. I hope there are still people interested in this fic. Thank you for all the reviews of the last chapter, I really do appreciate every one of them.

Thank you to Sunny for her help and encouragement!

I hope it was worth the wait!

Kirsten's mind replayed the day over and over as she tried to sleep on Sunday night. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Ryan's drawn face, heard Sandy's sad voice and Seth's desperate pleas. It tore her apart to know that they had been going through such a nightmare and that she wasn't there to support them. Ryan's words haunted her: the comparison with his own mother; his anger at her absence from home; his fear at being left alone again. Seth mirrored that fear, she had heard it in his voice when she had spoken to him. And Sandy had sounded so sad and tired.

It caused a surge of emotions inside of her – mostly guilt. Ryan was right, she should be at home with her family. But instead, she was hiding away in rehab. Yes, she was working hard in her counselling sessions to overcome her addiction; but she never should have got to this point in the first place. She should have been strong enough to say no when she was offered that second…third…fourth glass of wine. Strong enough for her family and for herself.

All she could do now was to learn how to make things right. Her biggest fear was that she would never be able to do that; that they would never accept her apologies and they would never forgive her. It was these fears that kept her awake at night; that caused her mind to spin; that filled her eyes with tears. She was tired of the internal struggle she always seemed to be fighting and her heart ached for the end of this never-ending battle.

Sandy had promised her that he would be waiting for her. Those few spoken words had given her more comfort and more hope than anyone at rehab had been able to give her. But until she was walking out of these doors, she knew she would continue to feel torn and unsettled.

Exhaustion had eventually lulled her into a slumber. Kirsten woke on Monday morning with a heavy head. She had become quiet again in her group sessions, scared at trying to participate after her first attempt. She remained withdrawn from the people around her, so different from the sociable Newpsie she had once been. It didn't bother her. The only company she wanted was her family, and until she had won the war against her addiction, she would have to live with the guilt of separation when she knew she was needed more than ever at home.

For once, she awaited her next counselling session in anticipation. She needed to talk. She had so many jumbled thoughts that she didn't know how to process. Dr Halliwell had a way of making her talk and Kirsten couldn't deny that talking in her counselling sessions had started to help make sense of the thoughts and feelings she had.

Dr Halliwell was surprised to see Kirsten arrive on time. She had heard from Julia about Ryan's visit.

"Kirsten, come in, sit down," she greeted her warmly. "I'm sorry about Friday's session, things got very crazy."

"I heard," Kirsten said, remembering the noise that had woken her. "Does that…does that happen a lot?"

"What?"

"People failing, even here in rehab?" Kirsten was nervous about the answer she might hear.

"Yes, sometimes it happens," Dr Halliwell answered honestly.

Kirsten nodded silently, falling back in her seat.

"How does that make you feel?"

Kirsten looked up, meeting her eyes. "Scared. It makes me feel scared."

"Why?"

"Because it's not supposed to happen here. I mean, every day I still think about drinking, but I haven't because…I don't know, I think because I know I can't while I'm here. I'm so scared of failing when I leave and I'm out there on my own; but I thought I was safe in here," Kirsten answered.

"Believe me, Kirsten, it takes a lot to fail in rehab. We pride ourselves in having a great support system here – and usually a great security system," Dr Halliwell joked lightly, before turning serious. "And when you leave, you'll be ready to face that challenge. And you won't be on your own. You'll have support: an AA sponsor, and more importantly, you'll have your family.

"I guess."

Dr Halliwell leaned back in her chair. Kirsten had learnt that this was the sign that she was ready to begin the counselling session and she took a deep breath, anticipating the question that was coming.

"Tell me about what happened on Sunday."

"I couldn't do it," Kirsten said simply. "I wasn't ready to see them."

"Why not?"

"It was everything. I was scared about what they would think and say; I didn't want to see them looking so disappointed, or hurt, or angry. Because I know they are and they have every right to be," Kirsten admitted.

"Don't you think that confronting that would help you?"

Kirsten shook her head. "I don't feel strong enough yet. When it happens – when I see them – I want to be ready."

"But you saw Ryan?"

"He came back," Kirsten said softly.

"Why?"

"His brother died. He was angry and scared and upset," Kirsten answered.

"But why do you think he came back to see you?"

Kirsten was surprised by the question. "I don't know."

"Does he normally talk to you about his problems?"

"No," Kirsten shook her head. "Ryan isn't much of a talker; it's hard sometimes to get him to tell you what he's thinking. You have to push him, and I guess Sandy has always been better at that than I have."

"Do you normally let Sandy do the parenting?"

"I try not to, but the boys have always seemed to find it easier to talk to him. I used to feel like Sandy was the good guy and I was the one who had to come down hard on them."

"And how do you feel now?"

"I feel like I haven't really been a part of my sons' lives for a while. I let things go, I became too wrapped up in myself and my marriage to notice how they were really doing," Kirsten admitted.

The words that she had screamed at her father echoed in her mind: 'I am a good mother!'

But was she?

Dr Halliwell could see her drifting into her thoughts and she pulled her back.

"But Ryan chose to talk to you this time."

"And I should be happy about that, right? But I'm not. I'm just worried about him; about all of them. Why isn't he talking to Sandy? Or Seth? I don't understand why it happened in the first place and I'm so frustrated that I'm here and I can't be with them," Kirsten barely took a breath as she admitted her thoughts.

"You feel guilty?"

"Of course I do. I hate being here and not knowing what's going on in their lives," Kirsten said. "Especially Ryan. This wasn't supposed to happen to him again."

"What do you mean?"

Kirsten sighed. "When Sandy first brought Ryan home, it was because he had nowhere else to go. His dad was in prison and his mom, Dawn, was a mess – she was an alcoholic too. She had kicked him out of the house and then just disappeared, leaving him just a note saying that she'd gone. I pushed Sandy to find her even though Ryan didn't want to and Sandy was reluctant. But I thought it was the right thing to do for Ryan."

"What happened?"

"We hired a private detective and he found her. She really seemed like she was trying at first, but then we took her to a party and she got drunk. I saw the way Ryan had to look after her and it broke my heart. He was only 16. She left again the next day. She would have gone without saying goodbye if Ryan hadn't woken up in time. She just left him alone."

"You accepted Ryan into your family at that point?"

"How could I not? He's a good kid. I learnt to love him like he's my own son. I promised I would never let this happen to him again, that I would never leave him the way that she did. And when he came to see me on Sunday, he told me I was just like her. It was the worst thing I could have heard him say."

"It sounds to me like Ryan was speaking emotionally; that he didn't mean what he said."

"But he's right. I'm no better than Dawn. I was supposed to protect him from all this. Life has been so dramatic the past couple of years but I thought that as long as we all stuck together – as a family – we'd be ok. This year everything fell apart, we weren't a family any more. Ryan was right. I broke my promise."

"What happened to Dawn?"

"I don't know, we haven't seen her since," Kirsten said sadly.

"Don't you think that there's a difference between you and Dawn? You're still there in Ryan's life. Even if you're not physically there at the moment, he still knows he can come to you when he needs to. If he didn't trust you, he wouldn't have come back on Sunday."

Dr Halliwell could see that Kirsten wasn't convinced by this argument.

"If I was to tell you that you could leave tomorrow, do you think that would help them?"

Kirsten frowned. "I don't know. I just feel like I could help them more if I was with them, instead of being here."

"By being here, you're getting the help you need. You have a problem, Kirsten, and your family knows that. What use would you be to them if you went home now and couldn't cope? If you reached for the bottle to help you get through it?"

"I guess," Kirsten said vaguely.

"You said it yourself, you need to see your family when you're ready."

Kirsten sighed heavily. "I just wish I was closer to being ready," she said despondently. "I spoke to Sandy on Sunday to tell him that Ryan had been here and I asked him if they were ok, and it was like…I don't know, it was like he was too afraid to tell me everything. Like if he told me the truth, I'd break. I don't want it to be like that."

"Are you worried there's something he's not telling you?"

"No, I trust Sandy enough to know that if there was something I should know, he'd tell me. I just don't believe him when he says they're ok," Kirsten answered.

"How did you feel when were speaking to him?"

"It made me miss him more," Kirsten said, tears glistening in the corners of her eyes.

"Did you speak about your decision not to see them yet?"

Kirsten nodded. "A little. I don't think he really understood why I couldn't see him right now. But he told me that he'd be waiting for me."

Kirsten let out a small sad laugh. "He always knows the right thing to say. I don't know how."

"Maybe because he's been married to you for the past twenty years and he knows the way you think?" Dr Halliwell asked pointedly.

"Yeah," Kirsten smiled.

"What about Seth? Did you speak to him?"

"Yeah. You know, when Julia told me that one of my sons was here, I thought it would be Seth," Kirsten admitted.

"Because he's your genetic son?"

Kirsten shook her head immediately. "No. You know, he probably wouldn't admit it himself, but Seth was always protected growing up. Sandy and I, we always made sure he was safe from the kind of things that Ryan grew up with; and I thought that, after everything he's been through, Ryan would have understood. I guess I was wrong about that."

"How does Seth feel about you being here?"

"He told me he was sorry. He thinks it's his fault I'm here," Kirsten answered.

"Why would he think that?"

"He's a teenager," Kirsten laughed. "For the first sixteen years of his life, he never did anything wrong except use his skateboard in the house. I guess he's trying to fit his teenage rebellion in while he can. He's a good kid really. I told him it was my fault I was here.

"Do you think he believed you?"

"I hope so. I don't want him to blame himself, or Sandy, for me being here," Kirsten said. "I guess I'm finally starting to take responsibility for what has happened."

Dr Halliwell smiled. "You should be pleased with the progress you're making. You still have a long way to go, but you've started off well."

"I just wish I'd been able to tell him that I'd be home soon," Kirsten said wistfully.

"One step at a time, Kirsten, remember that."

"I know. It's just frustrating, you know? I just want to be able to see the end," Kirsten sighed.

"You will."

"But when will that be?" Kirsten asked impatiently.

"When you've been honest with me about everything. You need to learn to accept the mistakes you've made, so that you can pick yourself up and keep going. We still have so much more to talk about. But I need you to understand that these counselling sessions won't fix everything. I want us to start talking about your family and it's going to bring up a lot of issues. Talking to me isn't going to be enough – you're going to have to talk to Sandy, Seth and Ryan too, or you'll never reach the final stage. I know the thought of seeing them scares you, but it's an important and necessary part of rehabilitation. You'll have to do it if you want to go home."

Kirsten nodded, understanding the gravity of her words. Facing her family was inevitable.

"Let's leave this session here. We'll talk again on Friday."

"Thank you," Kirsten said, grateful for the end of the session. She had wanted this counselling session and it had worked its purpose, giving her some perspective on Sunday's events. But each session took its toll and she found herself tired again.

Kirsten left Dr Halliwell's room and made her way back to her room. She was surprised to see a bunch of flowers waiting for her on her bed. Frowning curiously, she wandered over to them, picking out the card that was lodged inside. She recognised Sandy's handwriting immediately.

A little something to tell you that that we're thinking of you, that we miss you and that we're so very proud of you.

Kirsten's eyes filled with tears as, underneath, she saw Sandy's name, Seth's scribbled signature and – in the corner – Ryan's handwriting where he too had signed it. Smiling through her tears, Kirsten picked up the flowers and placed them in the empty vase that had looked so lonely in her room since she had arrived. The flowers brightened her room straight away, bringing colour to her surroundings. She sat down on her bed, pushing herself backwards until her back rested against the wall. She looked down at the card which was held firmly in her hand and read it over and over again. Each word filled her with hope that the end would not be too far away; and she would get there.

One step at a time.