Disclaimer: All this belongs to Ann Bishop, not me.
Horse Piss
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You look like you've drunk horse piss. The damned wine isn't that bad."
Daemon Sadi, opening his eyes and un-wincing his mouth stared at his half-brother through his oddly shaped cup of white wine and smiled just a little too softly. "This wine must have come out of some horse's ass," he said. "As it isn't fit to have come out of anything cleaner or pleasanter". This would have been much scarier if his voice weren't just a little too slurred because was just a little too drunk. And more than a little too drunk to get into a heated argument. Especially when he wore the black jewels and a little too much anger with a little too little self-control could mean a full scale slaughter.
"Really? I think it's just mediocre. It's not quite as bad as some of the stuff I've drunken in some of the poorer hunting camps." Lucivar Yaslana's voice was very badly slurred. Lucivar was an Eyrien warlord prince who wore the ebon-grey jewels. He was probably drunker because while they had drunken the same amount, he wore the second strongest jewels where as Daemon wore the strongest, making Daemon's metabolism burn up the alcohol quicker.
"Then that wine must have been unsweetened horse piss. They," he jerked his head in the waiter's direction, "at least had enough sympathy to put some sugar into this stuff."
"Oh stop complaining, it's still alcohol. You can still get drunk."
"Getting drunk on horse urine, what an interesting concept." Daemon contemplated, though he seemed to see the point for he attempted to drain his glass. All efforts were in vain, however, since he promptly spit it all out on Lucivar.
"Bastard!" Lucivar roared, pushing himself away from the table and stumbling to his feet, seemingly drunk and upset about being covered in wine. He drew his Eyrien war blade.
"If I am, then so are you, prick." snarled Daemon silkily, most of the slurred drunkenness draining away from his voice.
Seeing this disruption, many of the aristo warlords and princes that were sitting in different places in the formal court dining room stepped forward as if to try to subdue them. Daemon and Lucivar merely looked at them, and most of them backed away. The two of them went back to glaring at each other, about to fight.
Three foolish warlords approached to attempt to hold them from each other. Daemon swiveled around, growled, and sent a stream of black power to them that disintegrated their brains into grey ash. It was enough of a warning that none of the others tried and many of them ran away.
Daemon leaned against the table as if there had been no distraction, "Perhaps I may suggest that your senses have been dulled by drinking so much human piss in those barbaric camps of yours that you now have an inability to taste how bad horse piss is and think it good by comparison."
"Or maybe you are so used to cheating and seducing your way into the best of wines that you find even the next to best wine to be needing," retorted Lucivar through clenched teeth, most of the drunkenness gone from him too.
Their conversation was suddenly ended by a bolt of pain so fearsome that Lucivar almost fell to his knees, his hand at his crotch. Daemon's eyes practically rolled back into his head. It was excruciating, the whole world became the ice-and fire that was running through their veins. The whole world became the pain that was being inflicted on them through the ring of obedience.
When it finally faded away enough to speak, Daemon gritted his teeth, straightened his back, and looked at Lucivar, saying, "It seems someone ran to our dear Queen Prudence figures out that we were 'wreaking havoc in the dining room with the wine'.
"We must go and help her with her terrible anxiety," sneered Lucivar rather painfully as his eyes narrowed in anger.
"Definitely," Daemon agreed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The two of them glided angrily down the hallway, their long strides identical length and power, Daemon with his hands in his trouser pockets, Lucivar's clutching each other.
"Horse piss, my dear brother," Lucivar continued, "is also a slightly different color. It looks more like apple juice then wine."
"There's no reason they couldn't have died it," responded Daemon as they stopped by the private dining room door, "Add a bit of coloring along with the sugar and sell it as top grade wine. Thieves do it all the time. Perhaps that's how the Eyriens have perfected it so well."
Lucivar, not taking the slur on his race very well, threw a handful of flames at Daemon, who dodged it. The flames went into the door and burned a hole through it. There was a shriek from the other side.
The two of them opened the door just in time to see the last of Queen Prudence going up in smoke. They looked at each other, Lucivar raising his eyebrow. "Wow, there goes the queen. It was a total drunken mistake. Just goes to show how strong she was."
"Well, at least you saved us the effort." Daemon commented mildly as they set off down the hall again. "I mean, that's what we were going to do anyways. Let's go outside before the court figures that there queen has been more-then-temporarily-incinerated."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I wonder if anyone has found Prudence yet." Daemon's remark was immediately followed by a distant scream of surprise. "Apparently so."
"I wonder if you could have pissed in your own wine." Lucivar mused. "I mean, it would have been pretty tough to get your urine into the glass when nobody saw you and you were sitting at a table. But you've always found ways to do the impossible especially when it was to make sure that no one saw a yellow puddle underneath your chair. Remember that one time, you actually vanished the puddle and reappeared it inside Queen Patience's bladder. That was desperation."
Daemon was not pleased with being talked of in this manner. (And he was embarrassed about the truth in Lucivar's statement.) And rather over reacted by throwing a shit load of witchfire at Lucivar who ducked.
"Don't do that; remember what happened last time someone threw fire? It burned the queen down. Who knows what it could do this time." Lucivar looked over his shoulder and paled. "It could…even burn down the house with the whole court still inside it."
"I don't think Prythian is going to be very pleased with you."
"I don't think Dorothea is going to be very pleased with you. Besides, you were the one who actually burnt the house down."
"You killed the queen."
"You said that Eyriens were thieves."
"And you said that I can't control my piss."
"But that was actually true."
"Oh…yeah…forgot…but it was really funny to see Queen Patience's eyes widen as she found herself desperately needing to pee and then do it on the chair."
Lucivar suddenly winced as he looked at the remains of the house. "Oh, shit. Prythian's horse's urine sample was in there. I was supposed to get it tested. The horse is sick. I put it in a glass on the table."
Daemon's eyes widened as he first began to laugh and then went into the bushes to throw up in disgust.
Lucivar stared at him, realization creeping up over his face, "Oh…no…did you actually…"
"Yes I did. That's why the wine glass was shaped so weirdly. That horse must really have had something really wrong with him to have such pale urine."
And with that, the two of them gave in to laughing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N- THE END. A nice little one shot. My first fic. Hope you liked it. I wanted it to be longer but Daemon begged me not to tell any more embarrassing pissing stories, so I obliged him.