They stood there in silence for a few minutes. Noin decided to start, "What's wrong?"
He started to pace back and forth, very unlike him. Then he stopped abruptly and moved very close to her looking at her in the eyes, "Is it true?"
Noin looked at him confused, "Is what true?" he smelled like grease and sweat, he must have just come from the docking bay.
He looked visibly upset, "Kent…"
She sighed, "My dinner with Kent?" She was a little angry now, why would he be upset about that, she didn't belong to him, "Zechs, it's just dinner…anyway, why should you care?" She moved away from him.
He seemed a little caught off guard, why was he upset? He looked down at his feet and tried to move toward the door, "I'm sorry…" he reached for the button.
Noin moved between he and the door and he practically bumped into her. "Stop…" she said and leaned against him. She was too tired to tiptoe around the issue anymore. His concern about the date told her enough that she might have a chance.
He felt her heat rising against him and he didn't like the way tat his body was responding. He moved very quickly away and shook his head, "No…no Noin." Part of him wanted to grab her and make love to her in the way that he had always desired to, but the soldier in him could not get rid of his training, his past. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve happiness. He knew that he would just hurt her.
Noin didn't let his move sway her, "If you want me to cancel the dinner I will. Just tell me Zechs…tell me why it bothers you?" She wrapped her arms around him laying her head on his shoulder. When he didn't saw anything or try to pull away she continued, "I can tell you why." She looked up at his face and smiled, "The same reason you couldn't kill me in space that terrible day, the same reason you came running to my mobile suit when Wufei took me down, the same reason you always wanted me by your side…" She moved her face very close to his and their eyes locked, "The same reason why we came so close to what I've longed for that night after the graduation dance." Her lips hovered above his and she whispered his name, "I love you…" she felt his body pressed against hers and the response it was having, "and…and I believe that you love me too." She brushed her lips against him and waited.
He began breathing deeper and his hands moved up her arms. She waited. He grabbed her like a vice and moved her away from him. She looked at him startled and hurt. He started pacing again, "You don't understand…" She looked away and he became angry, letting the soldier take over and the man disappear, "Look at me Noin! I can never be that boy again, I can never be the man you fell in love with. I hoped that you could love me as a friend and leave it at that. I can't give anything else. He's dead…" he could see tears welling up in her eyes, the soldier was winning, "DEAD!"
She grasped at straws not wanting to believe him, "That night after the dance I could tell that you loved me, you can't say that you didn't love me! You and I were becoming one, you were making love to me!"
"NO!" he startled her and made her jump by the tone of his voice, "No! Noin!" He grabbed her arm and moved her against the wall, almost slamming her against it, "I didn't make love to you that night. I was going to let you have your way, but then I didn't want to take advantage. We both knew that you were no stranger to a man's love, not an innocent girl…"
Noin pushed him away from her, "And what is that supposed to mean?" She was getting angry. "Was I some sort of slut to you that was good enough to be your friend but too much of a whore for your bed?"
Zechs' inner voice was screaming for him to stop but the soldier silenced it, "The whole academy knew what you were."
He was cut off by an angry blow to his jaw. Her eyes were fiery and filled with tears. "You jackass, I can't believe that I have wasted this many hurtful years pining over you. I was with two men before that night and they were relationships, serious relationships. If you could believe the rumors about me and let that judge your feelings toward me then you aren't worth my spit!"
Zechs' soldier side was running now, rubbing his jaw he retaliated, "What feelings, I never had feelings for you, you were just a collegue, a partner, nothing more."
Noin couldn't hold back the tears or sobs anymore and her body shook with them, "You cold hearted basturd! Get out! I don't want to see you outside of work anymore." When he didn't move right away he pushed him against the door pressed the button and pushed him out, "Get out and stay out." The door quickly closed in his face.
Zechs stood in the hall for a minute or two digesting what just happened. He walked down toward his room and once he was inside the soldier disappeared and the scarred man appeared and collapsed in a heap on the floor. You fool…you complete fool. Why? Why? Hands covered his face and he shook his head in disbelief of his actions. Why? Why did you push her away? You went there because you wanted her and you didn't want Kent to have her…why did you say those things, why did you hurt her so? He pounded his fist on the ground and leapt to his feet, grabbing a chair and plowing it into the wall breaking it into many pieces. He continued to destroy his room allowing all of his pain, all of his history to come flooding out. Bitter tears began to flood his eyes. He collapsed again in the middle of the now tattered room, "You basturd you don't deserve life, and the only hope for your happiness is now gone." He sat there and cried, "Gone…gone, gone…"
Noin sat in her chair looking at her reflection. She had put on some makeup the Ramona had let her borrow. Her face was like stone, she needed to feel something positive again and she wanted Kent to give it to her. He had wanted her to meet him at the bar but she stood outside his quarters and lightly knocked on the door. It slid open and she saw Kent looking gorgeous in a light blue shirt with some nicer dark blue jeans. He smiled at her and started to say something but was cut off by her lips on his. He wrapped his arms around her and the door closed behind her. She broke the kiss and looked at him, want in her eyes, "Make love to me…" He leaned in kissing her tenderly. She let him hold her and the memories of Zechs' words came back, 'you're no stranger to men…' Kent was stroking her and moving her toward the bed as she began to sob.
He pulled back and looked at her, "What's wrong?"
She sobbed and looked at him, "Zechs…he never loved me…he despises me…"
Kent held her close, "Shhh…I'm sure that that's not true…" he tipped her chin up trying to hide the anger that this news brought him, she didn't deserve this. He knew that sex was not the answer, "Noin…sex is not going to rid you of this pain."
She was limp in his arms sobbing, "I want to feel again…I feel so numb…" His hands stroked her hair and she leaned into it, "Hold me…hold me Kent." He held her closer and wiped away her tears.
Zechs picked himself up off the ground and stared at himself in the mirror. The scarred and broken man in front of him scared him. The sadness in his ice blue eyes started into his soul and he put his hand through the mirror to try to end the misery he saw. His hand was bleeding and he reveled in the pain. He had to get a hold of himself. He made his way out of his room and toward the bar. Some of the crew watched him and wondered what could possibly make the man void of emotions look so torn. Once at the bar he sat down and ordered a bottle of whiskey. The bartender stared at him quizzically, but handed him the bottle. Ramona had watched him come in and took the seat next to him. She cuddled up to him and tried to flirt. He was not receptive and left the bar with his bottle of whiskey leaving her put out and pissed off.
Berta saw Zechs moving down the hall toward the docking bay and could see that he was visibly upset. "Hey, Z, what's up?" He just pushed by her and into the docking bay walking toward the ship. She ran after him, "Where are you going?" he just raised his hand as if to say "stop and leave me alone" and she did. She watched worriedly as the ship left the dock and headed out into space. "Ah, Z, what did you do?" She shook her head in sadness. This man was broken…badly broken and he didn't want and wouldn't let anyone help him heal. "You foolish, foolish man…why can't you let her love you?" Berta felt powerless to help. What do I do? What do I do? She found her flask of liquor and took a big drink.