A Reckless Auction
by MKT
Scene. Ric and Alexis' bedroom (yes, in my world they have one!) as they get ready to go out to the Metro Court for the Tony Jones Fundraiser.
Ric (fiddling with his tie in the mirror): Look, I just don't think this is a good idea. I mean, bidding on people? It's barbaric.
Alexis (fiddling with a diamond bracelet at the vanity): You're only saying that because you're one of the men being bid on. It'll be fine. You'll have fun. (Looks up at Ric in his black Armani suit.) My, my, you clean up nicely, Counselor.
Alexis stands up, revealing her slinky, full-length black matte jersey evening gown. She heads over to Ric to have him put her diamond heart necklace on.
Ric emits a low whistle.
Ric: Wow. (He reaches out to grab her and pull her close.) You know, we could just stay in tonight.
He starts to kiss her neck, but Alexis wiggles out of his grasp and hands him the necklace. She turns around so he can put it on her.
Alexis: Listen here, mister. After dealing with all my kids today – including my oldest, John Durant – I need a night out!
Ric: Fine, fine. You're right. What's the worst that could happen?
Scene. Metro Court Dining Room.
Carly: Come on out guys!
A stream of men – including one very reluctant Ric Lansing – comes parading up on stage. A gaggle of very interested women stands at the foot of the stage, applauding energetically.
Carly: Now I'm going to pass around this ginormous brandy snifter and each one of you lucky ladies gets to pick a name out of the bowl, and that will be the lucky gentleman with whom you'll spend a lovely evening of dining and dancing. And remember, it's all for a good cause – a new surgical wing dedicated to a fine doctor and my good friend, Dr. Tony Jones, who I adored very much! (Reaction shot of everyone in the room rolling their eyes.)
Carly steps off the stage into the crowd of eager ladies. They each take a turn reaching in for a name.
Emily: Diego.
Lulu: Dillon.
Bobbie: Nikolas.
Robin (looks at her paper, gives a well deserved smirk Carly's way): Jax!
Tracey (with glee): Coleman!
Sam (glumly): Max.
Georgie (even more glumly): Lucas.
Liz (confused): Yippee! Mine just says "guy!" That's like a wild card, isn't it? I guess that means I get to pick whoever I want! Then I choose the most amazing and wonderfullest husband a girl could ever have, Riii---
Carly (cutting her off): Uh, no, Liz. It says "Guy." That's his name, "Guy."
Just then Guy steps out from behind the crowd on stage and waves half-heartedly at Liz.
Liz: Oh, okay. I have no idea who he is, but he's cute and looks like he's a good dancer.
Liz and Guy walk off to their table. This leaves up on stage Lorenzo, Noah, Patrick and Ric. Alexis is the next to choose, and Ric has that trademark high-wattage smile gracing his handsome face as he knows that whatever name Alexis pulls out of the bowl, she'll say the name of her beloved husband.
Alexis: Lorenzo!
Lorenzo comes down off the stage and gives Alexis a small peck on the cheek. Ric's jaw is gaping wide. Carly starts to move the oversized snifter toward Maxie when Alexis interjects.
Alexis: Wait! I have another raffle ticket! I get to choose again!
At that, Ric let go a small sigh of relief and even a tiny chuckle at the little joke his beloved – and hot – wife was playing on him. Alexis reaches into the bowl again. Ric's chest puffs out a bit with pride.
Alexis: Noah!
Ric's ego immediately deflates, quickly replaced with...what is that...a little jealousy, perhaps?
The dashing elder Dr. Drake comes off the stage, gives Alexis a quick peck on the cheek. Ric's face is turning a lovely shade of scarlet.
Carly, once again, starts to move the bowl over to Maxie when Alexis, once again, interjects.
Alexis: Well look at this! I have a third raffle ticket!
Ric's scowl is quickly replaced by a hopeful "Pick me! Pick me!" look.
Alexis: And my lucky third man of the evening is...
Alexis looks directly at her loving husband, a big smile breaking out on his face. Ric starts to take a step forward.
Alexis: Patrick!
Patrick gives Ric a hearty pat on the back, and quickly glides down the steps to Alexis' side. Carly, still holding the humongous brandy snifter, gives Alexis an "are you done yet" look.
Alexis: That's it. I'm fresh out of raffle tickets. Let's go, fellas.
Alexis, with a Dr. Drake on each arm, is ferried over to the secluded table in the back corner reserved by Lorenzo. Ric is left all alone up on stage, steam visibly emanating from his ears.
Carly holds the brandy snifter out to listless Maxie. She reaches in and pulls out a slip of paper.
Maxie (depressingly, half-heartedly, and barely audible): Ric.
Ric scrubs his hands over his face and reluctantly comes down the steps to meet Maxie, but she's already slunk away to a table for two in the middle of the room.
Carly reaches into the bowl, pulling out the last slip of paper. She unfolds it, and looks at the name with a sigh.
Carly: At least he's not here tonight.
Just then there's a commotion as the tardy "bachelor" barrels into the room and comes up to Carly.
Edward: That dad-blame daughter of that ungrateful ne'er do well absconded with my Bentley! I had to drive myself here in Alice's pick up truck! (Looks around the room.) So, where's my date for the evening?
Meanwhile, Ric is now sitting at a table with the glum, morose and depressed Maxie. Ric's eyes are glued to his wife sitting at the secluded table with Lorenzo, Noah and Patrick, watching the flirting, hearing the high-spirited laughter, seeing the copious amounts of champagne flowing. While Ric's back is turned, Maxie is helping herself to some bubbly.
Ric (turning back to his "date"): Whoa there, Maxie! You can't drink that, you're underage.
Maxie (slugging down the entire glass of liquid on one gulp): The champagne doesn't know that…hic.
Ric grabs the glass out of Maxie's hand and catches a server as she walks by.
Ric (putting Maxie's empty glass on the server's tray): Could you please bring Ms. Jones a glass of sparkling cider?
Server: Certainly. And for you?
Ric: A Jack and Coke. (More laughter erupts from the secluded corner table.) On second thought, hold the Coke…and make it a double.
Maxie (tipsy and depressed): God, you know how to ruin everything, don't you? Don't you realize that Jesse is dead? Dead! Do you know what that means? It means Jesse is dead and I'm all alone! Why, why, why? I have nothing to live for! (She begins to drink directly from the champagne bottle, but Ric stops her.)
The waitress returns with Maxie's sparkling cider and Ric's double shot of Jack Daniels on the rocks. Alexis' laughter is echoing throughout the room -- or, at least, throughout Ric's head. He takes a long swig of his drink.
Ric looks at Maxie who now has her face firmly planted on the table.
Ric (under his breath): God, if I had wanted to spend the evening with a depressed, whiney drunk, I would have gone to Sonny's house. (Ric looks over to Alexis across the room having a grand ol' time and he suddenly jumps up.) Uh, excuse me for a moment.
Maxie (talking into the table): Yeah, whatever. Jesse's still dead.
Ric leaves the table, and Maxie lifts her head, looking around surreptitiously. Satisfied that no one is watching, she pours her sparkling cider into the potted plant behind her. She then reaches for Ric's glass and quickly slurps down the remains of the Jack.
Maxie: Hic.
Ric straightens his tie as he saunters over to Alexis, exuding confidence. Alexis is leaning over, smiling as Noah whispers something in her ear, ending in yet another hearty round of merry mirth. Lorenzo refills Alexis' champagne glass, finishing off the bottle. He calls for the wine steward.
Lorenzo: Albert! Another bottle of Cristal from my private reserve, please.
Albert: Certainly, Mr. Alcazar!
All this time, Ric has been trying to catch his wife's attention.
Ric (clearing his throat loudly): Ahem, Alexis? Alexis? Hey, darling? Um, Alexis, dear?
Patrick whispers in Alexis' ear and points behind her. She finally notices Ric.
Alexis: Oh, hi honey! I'm sorry. Noah was just regaling us with the most delightful story about the series of lobotomies he recently performed on a team of daytime drama writers. So, having a good time?
Ric (sarcastically): Yes, fabulous, just absolutely fabulous.
Alexis (accepting a newly poured glass of Cristal from Lorenzo): That's nice, dear.
Ric: Uh, don't you think we should call the kids, check on them, make sure everything's okay? You know, Molly seemed to have a bit of a stuffy nose, maybe we should go…
Alexis (sipping the champagne): Hmmmm, delectable. Actually, I just called Viola. Everything's fine. Molly's sound asleep, Kristina's in her p.j.'s and Viola was just about to read her a story.
Ric: But…
Alexis' attention is diverted by Noah's melodious voice.
Noah: So, the O.R. nurse says, 'are you sure, doctor?' And I'm like, 'of course, I am! It's my Hendrix clamp!'
Hearty laughter ensues.
Patrick: More Beluga, Alexis?
Alexis: Thank you, don't mind if I do. (Turns back to Ric.) Dear, would you like some…
But Ric is no longer there, having wandered off to drown his sorrows at the bar.
Ric (to the bartender): Jack on the rocks.
Just then, Ric feels an insistent poking in his right shoulder blade.
Sam: YOU! It's all your fault!
The bartender places Ric's drink down in front of him. He takes a long draw of the liquid before swiveling around.
Ric: What have I done now?
Sam: You're the reason Jason's been arrested for a crime he didn't commit -- okay, so, actually he did commit it, but no one was supposed to know -- and now he's sitting there rotting in jail.
Ric: Sam, he's only been there for three hours. They've got cable…
Sam: But I love him! He needs me!
Sam grabs a flower vase off a nearby table and throws the water in Ric's face.
Ric: Hey! This is Armani!
Sam stomps off. Ric grabs a paper cocktail napkin off the bar and tries to dab at his jacket, leaving tiny white specks behind.
Ric shuffles back to his table and sees Dillon and Georgie dragging a passed out Maxie away. He goes to pick up his glass of Jack and realizes it's empty. Then he hears it -- the unmistakable lilting tones of his wife's laughter filling the room. Ric grabs the attention of a passing server and orders another drink.
At that moment Emily appears.
Emily: YOU! It's all your fault…
Ric (under his breath): Oh, crap, not again.
Emily: There was an attempted hit on Jason tonight…
Ric: Wait! I thought he was in jail?
Emily: He got out on a technicality, as usual. Then someone shot at him just as he left the police station. But, being the great hitman that he is, Jason ducked just in time…
Ric: So, he didn't get shot?
Emily: Well, that's not the point. The point is that it's all your fault.
Ric: How is Jason NOT getting shot my fault?
Emily: Arrgh! You just don't understand the pressure Sonny is under!
At that point Emily grabs a vase from a nearby table…
Ric: Oh, crap, not my new Armani---
…and dumps the vase full of water on Ric. Emily stomps away.
As he once again tries to dab at the water drops with a quickly dissolving cocktail napkin, Ric notices Lorenzo and Alexis dancing…close…and…slow.
Ric's dabbing becomes a little more violent.
Just then Liz approaches Ric, batting her eyelashes excessively.
Liz: Ric, Ric? Hello? Yoo hoo, favorite ex-husband?
Ric looks up at Liz.
Ric: What? Oh, hi. Didn't see you there. Uh, what's wrong with your eyes? Your contacts bothering you?
Liz: No, silly. I don't wear contacts. You would know that had you paid more attention to me during the six and a half minutes we were married.
Ric's gaze snaps back to Alexis across the room dancing, noticing that Noah has now cut in.
Ric jumps up, never once taking his eyes off Alexis.
Ric: Liz, would you like to dance?
Liz: With you? Absolu---
Ric awkwardly drags Liz off to the dance floor, stepping on her toes along the way.
Liz: Owie!
Ric (eyes still glued to Alexis): Uh-huh, that's great, glad Lucky's feeling better.
Liz keeps trying to pull Ric closer, he keeps stepping back. She keeps trying to catch his eye, he keeps looking at Alexis and Noah dancing, laughing and flirting. Ric steps on Liz's toes again.
Liz: Owie!
Ric (trying to maneuver closer to Alexis): Uh-huh, glad they're keeping you busy at the hospital.
Ric watches as Alexis' hand comes up behind Noah's neck where she fiddles with his long locks. Ric's jealousy rears up.
Liz: Ric? Ric? Riiiiiiic? Pay attention to me! I'm having problems with my current marriage and I'm reminded of the sweet, idyllic, pure love we shared. Oh, Ric, Ric, I wish---
Ric sees his chance to cut in on Noah and Alexis when Liz stomps on Ric's instep.
Ric: Ow! Hey! What the---
Ric looks up. Alexis is now dancing with Patrick who twirls her away in the opposite direction.
Ric: Damn!
Liz: Ric Lansing! You're not paying one bit of attention to me---
Ric: Huh, what?
Liz: You're acting as if you're more interested in your new current tall wife and mother of your child with whom you are deeply in love than you are me!
Ric looks at Liz incredulously.
Ric: Uh, yeah, well, duh!
Liz: Well! I never!
Ric: Yes, you have. Does the name Zander Smith ring a bell? Aw hell---
Liz picks up a vase from a nearby table…
Ric: No! It's Arrr---
Liz stomps off in a huff as a very moist Ric sits dejectedly back in his seat. He snags a waitress.
Waitress: Another Jack Daniels, sir?
Ric: Yeah…oh hell, just bring the whole bottle.
And another wave of raucous laughter from the secluded corner table washes over the Metro Court dining room.
End scene.
Dolce and Gabbana Black Halter Evening Gown - $685
Armani Black Wool Suit - $1200
Bottle of 1998 Louis Roederer Cristal Champagne - $495
An ounce of Russian Beluga Caviar - $145
Jealous Ric - Priceless