A/N: I don't own Instant Star. I don't own Because Of You by Kelly Clarkson, Anything But Down, My Favorite Mistake, Strong Enough, Difficult Kind, and The First Cut Is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow, Reviews are always welcome.
Episode 19 – Because of You
Part 1
"So, Miss Harrison. It's been a while since the last time you were on Under the Mic," said the vee-jay. He made some more chit chat before introducing the song. "Jude Harrison, everybody, performing for the first time in 3 years on live television with a never before heard song that you are going to hear exclusively on Under the Mic: 'Because of You.' (This is Kelly Clarkson's song; I don't claim any ownership. I thought it would be appropriate for the episode)
I
will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You
fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that
far
Because
of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I
learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of
you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around
me
Because of you
I am afraid
I
lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I
cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm
forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart
can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because
of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I
learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of
you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around
me
Because of you
I am afraid
I
watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I
was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You
never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I
cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because
of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I
learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of
you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of
you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm
ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am
afraid
Because
of you
Because of you
Jude was crying by the end of the song and she didn't care who saw her. "Always, a powerful performance, Miss Harrison" said the vee-jay. "We'll be back after a commercial break," said the vee-jay. He immediately ripped up the note cards filled with questions he was going to ask her about her relationship with Tom Quincy and the annulment that the media had somehow gotten wind of.
Tommy couldn't tear his eyes off the screen. He knew the song was about him and he hated himself. He grabbed his jacket and was going to go look for her when he opened the door and saw her on his doorstep. Her face was tear streaked and her hair was disheveled. "Jude…" he said.
Part 2
Tommy woke up and put his arm on the other side of the bed where Jude had been a few hours ago to find it empty. Instead he found a note. "Last night was a mistake. I'm sorry. – Jude."
Part 3
A week later at Harrison-Quincy Records Jude went about her day as usual working non-stop with Kwest and Jake on his record. It was near 5 o'clock when an intern politely knocked on the studio they were working in to tell them that there was an impromptu meeting going on in the conference room. Jude looked at Kwest who shrugged. Everyone who worked at the studio was tightly squeezed into the fairly large conference room. Georgia quickly surveyed the room. "Okay, guys we're meeting to announce Tommy Quincy's departure. He's already signed papers absolving his partnership and all ties to the studio. I just want to say what a good job he's done and wish him well on his future endeavors." He was presented with a gift and gave some speech, but all I could hear was the pounding in my head. I didn't even notice when Kwest helped me into a chair. It was a little while later when I found myself sitting alone in the conference room.
Part 4
I numbly walked to his office where I found him packing his few belongings. Everything was neatly in two cardboard boxes. He was sitting in his chair staring at a picture frame. "So, you're leaving?" I said half question half statement. "There's nothing keeping me here," he said looking up at me. "There's no use keeping up the charade as if everything is okay between us. You said it yourself, it's over. I have to accept it." "Frankly, it's killing me even being in the same room as you" but the thoughts never left his lips. I saw he was no longer wearing his rings anymore. "It's really over," I said aloud in a small voice.
Part 5
In the end he decided I should keep the picture frame. It was a picture of the two of while we were on our honeymoon. It was the last happy memory we had together. I was clutching it to my chest and had fallen asleep when the light was turned on and I was startled out of the chair. The custodial person quickly apologized and helped me up. He offered to walk me to my car, but I insisted I was fine on my own. When I went to my office to get my purse I saw a note on my desk and a set of keys. "Jude, the house is yours. Everything is as we left it except for my things, which I have put up in storage. – Tommy." I drove home to my apartment to find Jackson and Jake sitting on the couch eating pizza and watching some kung-fu movie on. I quickly walked to my room and collapsed on the bed. It would be a long time coming before I was able to fall asleep.
Part 6
Jude told Jake and Jackson that she'd be gone for a couple of days. "Jude are you bringing your passport by any chance?" said Jackson. "What would she need a passport for?" said Jake. "Ohhh…" said Jake. "Jude are you feeling the need to dye your hair and/or thinking about possibly changing your name?" said Jake. "You guys, I'm fine I just need to get out of here and clear my head." I said. "Okay," they both said in unison. "Just be safe," said Jackson giving her a hug. "I'll just work on my album, alone, by myself" said Jake. "You'll be fine' I said to him and giving him a hug. "Besides, you'll have Kwest to bother," I said.
Part 7
I pulled up to our house. The only reason I was here was to lock myself in the studio and work. At least that's what I told myself. The truth was I didn't want to have to face anyone at the studio. And I wanted to be alone, but the simple truth was I missed him. I opened the front door and wandered around the house. I had forgotten that Tommy mentioned he had put all his stuff in storage. It felt emptier than it had been. I felt like a stranger in my house. I put these thoughts in the back of my mind and grabbed my guitar and headed for the studio. I wrote and played and wrote and played and barely stopped for coffee and bathroom breaks. If I slept I don't remember. When I finished 2 weeks later it was if I had written the soundtrack to my life with Tommy – past, present, and future.
Track 1 – Anything But Down (Sheryl Crow – Globe Sessions - 1998)
I
light your cigarettes
I bring you apples from the vine
How
quickly you forget
I run the bath and pour the wine
I bring you
everything that floats into your mind
But
you don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything
but down
You don't bring me anything but down
When you come
'round
You
are a raging sea
I pull myself out everyday
I plea
insanity
Cause I can't leave but I can't stay
You say, won't
you come find me and yes is what I say
You
don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but
down
Everything is crashing to the ground
Maybe
I'm not your perfect kind
Maybe I'm not what you had in mind
Maybe
we're just killing time
You
with your silky words
And your eyes of green and blue
You with
your steel beliefs
That don't match anything you do
It was so
much easier before you became you
You
don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but
down
Everything just crashes to the ground
When you come
around
When you come around
No
more playing seek and hide
No more long and wasted nights
Can't
you make it easy on yourself
I
know you wish you were strong
You wish you were never wrong
Well,
I got some wishes of my own
Track 2 – My Favorite Mistake (Sheryl Crow – The Very Best of Sheryl Crow - 2003)
I
woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a
warning
That you don't care for me anymore
I
made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep
in
It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone
Chorus:
Did
you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I
was just beginning
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite
mistake
Your
friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But
I'm no fool to this game
Now
here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until
your guilt goes up in flames
Chorus
You're my favorite mistake
Well
maybe nothin' lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't
need forever after
It's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm
holding on this way
Did
you know, could you tell
You were the only one
That I ever
loved
Now everything's so wrong
Did
you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?
You're
my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake
You're my
favorite mistake
Track 3 – Strong Enough (Sheryl Crow – The Very Best of Sheryl Crow - 2003)
God,
I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be
the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my
man?
Nothing's
true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you
can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie
to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't
leave
I
have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's
try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When
I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing
punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will
you be strong enough to be my man?
Lie
to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't
leave
Track 4 – The Difficult Kind (Sheryl Crow – The Very Best of Sheryl Crow - 2003)
I
think I was wrong
I think you were right
All my angry
words
Will keep me up at night
Through the old screen door
I
still hear you say
Honey won't you stop
Treating me that way
If
you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no
longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
Cause babe I've
changed
Tell
it to me slow
Tell me with your eyes
If anyone should know
How
to let it slide
I swear I can see you
Coming up the drive
There
ain't nothing like regret
To remind you you're alive
If
you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no
longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
Cause babe I've
changed
I
crossed the canyon a thousand times
But never noticed what was
mine
What you'll remember of me tonight
Well, it almost makes
me cry
Yeah, it almost makes me cry
Oh
ballbreaking moon and ridiculing stars
The older I get, the closer
you are
Don't you have somewhere that you need to be
Instead
of hanging here making a fool of me
If
you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no
longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won't see
the change in me
If you could only see
What love has made of
me
But I'll forever be in your mind
The difficult kind
But
you won't see, no you won't see
The good in me
But babe
I've changed
Cause babe I've changed
Track 5 – The First Cut Is the Deepest (Sheryl Crow – The Very Best of Sheryl Crow - 2003)
I
would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's
torn it apart
and she's taking almost all that I've got
but if
you want, I'll try to love again
baby I'll try to love again but I
know
The
first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the
deepest
'cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed
when
it comes to lovin' me she's worst
but when it comes to being loved
she's first
that's how I know
The
first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
I
still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that I've
cried
cause I'm sure gonna give you a try
and if you want, I'll
try to love again
but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know
The
first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
'Cause
when it comes to being lucky she's cursed
when it comes to lovin'
me she's worst
but when it comes to being loved she's first
that's
how I know
The
first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
Track 6 – I Shall Believe (Sheryl Crow – The Very Best of Sheryl Crow - 2003)
Come
to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say
it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm
broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come
home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That
not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It
seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on
me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall
believe
And I shall believe
Open
the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No
one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never
again
Would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But
your love is alright
And I do believe
That
not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It
seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on
me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall
believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
Part 8
Georgia was of course thrilled with the CD and had it packaged, shipped, and in stores in record time. Instead of doing the media blitz I found on tour. It was about the three months into it and I found myself with the afternoon off. I was lazily walking up and down the beach enjoying the feel of sand between my toes. Georgia had insisted that the Hawaii part of the tour get cancelled, but I told her I was fine with it. My lying must have improved because not only did she believe it, but I was starting to, too.
Part 9
Jude tried Tommy's cell phone for old time's sake and heard the recording telling her the line had been disconnected. Tommy's eyes stared up at her from the picture she had listed next to his phone number. "Why can't I let you go" she said desperately wiping away the tears. "I've got to pull myself together I've got a show to do," she said with determination. She thought the songs she had written would help her get it out of her system, but it only made her angrier and sadder every time she performed, but in a way she like the pain; it reminded her she was alive, but she felt like she was hanging by the thread of her sanity. It was like she lost a part of herself when he left and nothing mattered. "Jude, you're on" called E.J. who insisted she just had to go to Hawaii with her and while her boyfriend Jake stayed in Toronto working on his album.
Part 10
(A few songs into it) She had mixed it up playing songs from her previous albums and had just finished playing "Favorite Mistake." She was chatting it up with the crowd when someone yelled "God, I'd hate to be the guy who pissed you off!" The crowd immediately started laughing. Then a couple of guys started yelling "Go out with me Jude" or "Marry me Jude" and everyone thought it was hilarious. Jude politely said 'thanks' and went into her next song, "Strong Enough." The girls in the crowd of course belted out the song and were a little teary eyed. When Jude started singing "I Shall Believe" there was not a dry eye in sight. Girls, guys, moms, grandmothers, there were quite a few tissues going around. Jude felt it especially hard; the hotel where they had spent their honeymoon was within walking distance. After the song; it seemed the crowd wasn't really up for an encore. Jude was exhausted, but spent the next 2 hours signing autographs and taking pictures with her fans. It was almost midnight and Jude was walking along the beach bear foot. She sat down on the sand and looked out over the ocean. Her watch read 11:59. "Happy anniversary" she said aloud to the silence.