A/N: I don't own Instant Star. I don't own My Sundown by Jimmy Eat World and I'm Not Okay by My Chemical Romance.Reviews are always welcome.
Episode 30 - I'm Not Okay
Part 1
"Jude…" Tommy drawled as his hand traveled the length of my back. "Hmmm" I groaned as I snuggled closer to him. "We can't keep doing this?" Tommy said. "Doing what" I said innocently. "Fall into bed every time I want to talk about things" he said in a serious tone. "Besides your avoidance tactic is unfair" he said as he kissed the top of my head. "I didn't hear any complaints last night" I said teasingly. "Besides aren't you the one who I don't know tried to high five me when you were talking about make up sex" I said with my lids half closed. "Come on Jude I'm trying to be serious here" Tommy said as he sat up in bed. "I know that Tommy, hence the avoiding" I said as I kissed his back. "Jude stop" Tommy said as he placed his hands on my shoulders. "You're not getting any from me until you talk" he said. I sat there with my mouth agape. "Tommy" I said as I batted my eyelashes seductively at him and slowly inched closer until I was about half an inch from his face. "You really think you won't cave" I said as I went in for a kiss. He backed up and fell off the bed landing awkwardly on the ground. I pretended to yawn to cover up my laughter. "Okay then tough guy. It's your choice." I said as I sashayed naked to the bathroom. I walked slowly as his eyes followed me to the bathroom door, which I left open. "I'm gonna take a shower. You can join me if you want" I said with a wink. "Must be strong" Tommy muttered under his breath. "What was that Quincy?" I called from the bathroom. "I said I'm going to go for a run" Tommy said as he picked himself off the ground and walked over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of running shorts and a wife beater.
Part 2
Jude was blow drying her hair when Tommy returned. His scent was a mix of sweat, deodorant, and Tommy. It was intoxicating. I watched as he stripped down. He ignored my stare as he turned and filled up the bathtub, added some bubble bath mix, and eased himself in. He put his head back and closed his eyes. He stirred when he felt ripples in the water. "I don't remember inviting you" he said lazily. "Besides you're violating my rule of no contact" he said. "So you're really serious?" I said. "Yup" he said as his gaze bore into me. With that I got up and put my robe back on and left him alone in the bathtub
Part 3
A few days turned into a few weeks and Tommy was taking it like a man. Jude found his celibacy applaudable. Jude didn't know if she herself was ready to talk to anybody let alone Tommy. Was she really prepared to open Pandora's box? Tommy had been staying late at the studio these past weeks. Part of it was because Jude refused to talk to him and it hurt and the second part was because he wasn't one of those people who could sit still. Tommy was tapping his pencil on the sound board and it was driving Kwest crazy. "Tommy, man can you quit it you're driving me up the walls" Kwest said as he shot Tommy an annoyed look. "What's up with you anyway" Kwest said. "Nothing" Tommy said. "Nothing?" Kwest said unbelieving. "Okay, if I tell you will you promise not to laugh" Tommy said in a serious tone. "Sure, man" said Kwest. So Tommy told him. Kwest shook his head in disbelief. "You're a stronger man than me Tommy" Kwest said. Tommy gave him a half grin. "Either that or the dumbest person I know" Kwest said. Tommy glared at him. "Okay you're definitely more the first than the second" Kwest said. "What should I do man?" Tommy said. "Maybe you should just let her come to you, give her time, that sort of thing?" Kwest said.
Part 4
Jude's family stuck around. Sadie and Paolo moved to Toronto ready to start a family. Mom and dad had families of their own with their significant others. Kat and Jaimie were thinking about starting one of their own. Everyone had babies on the brain. "Man and I'm the one that was in a psych ward" Jude thought to herself as she finished packing all of Aiden's things in cardboard boxes. She had just put the last one in the attic and was sitting on the floor of his room. She had been sitting there for a while and didn't even hear Tommy come in. "Jude I've been looking for you…" Tommy said as he looked around the room. His face looked crestfallen. "I was hoping we could have done this together" Tommy said. "I took care of it" I said emotionless. "I can see that:" he said as he made his way upstairs. It was late when I made my way to the bedroom. Tommy was already asleep. I tiptoed my way to the bed. I pulled the sheets back and slid into bed. I tried to snuggle closer to Tommy but he moved his sleeping position so his back was facing mine. "I guess I deserved that" I said to the darkness. Tommy didn't answer. I stared at the ceiling for a long time; sleep was impossible. So I got out of bed, put on a robe, and my slippers, and made my way to the stables.
Part 5
Jude opened the stall door. "Hey, girl" Jude said as she put her arms around her horse's neck. Jude replaced the water and food bucket before giving her horse a thorough rub down. Afterwards, she grabbed two blankets. She bunched up some hay to make a make shift bed and lay down. Her horse lay down and offered Jude her side as a pillow. "Thanks, girl" Jude said as she closed her eyes. Meanwhile back at the house Tommy opened his eyes. He couldn't sleep. He didn't want to sleep being mad at Jude. "Jude I…" Tommy said as he turned around, but Jude's side of the bed was empty. Tommy put on some clothes and checked each room looking for Jude. He finally found her in the stables fast asleep. He debated whether to wake her as he stared at her sleeping form. Jude's horse opened one eye staring warily at Tommy. Tommy held up his hands in surrender. Jude's horse closed her eye. Tommy positioned a stool in front of the stall door and grabbed a blanket before settling in a comfortable position. He pulled the blanket up to his chin and closed his eyes.
Part 6
Jude stretched and yawned before she began folding up the blankets. She put on her slippers and pushed the door open. Something was obstructing the door. She pushed with her shoulder until the door opened and she heard a loud noise. She swung the door open tentatively and saw Tommy sprawled on the ground, tangled up in blankets, and one fallen over stool. "Tommy what are you doing here?" I said curiously. "How about a 'are you okay', 'can I help you up', 'I'm sorry I knocked you over' would have been nice instead of the interrogation" Tommy said indignantly. "Not if you're gonna be cranky" I said as I walked out of the barn.
Part 7
I walked around not really looking where I was going because I was so annoyed with my encounter with Tommy and found myself beside the pond. I sighed audibly and sat on the ground. What a difference time made. The pond was no longer frozen. Squirrels and birds were running around. There were some wildflowers sprouting on the ground. All traces of that tragic winter day were gone. I lay back down on the ground and closed my eyes. A few minutes had passed when a shadow hovered over me. "What are you a masochist?" I said squinting. He didn't say a word as a he took a seat a safe distance away from me needless to say he was a few feet away from me. He stared long and hard at the pond. After a few minutes a weight seemed to lift from his shoulders. "Goodbye Aiden" Tommy said as he got up and walked back towards the house. Even though it wasn't that cold out I shivered; although he had said goodbye to Aiden for some reason it felt like he was saying goodbye to me.
Part 8
I walked quickly back to the house. "Tommy I'm gonna be in the studio" I yelled aloud as I made my way to the studio. I picked up my notebook furiously wrote some lyrics before picking up the guitar.
My Sundown (Jimmy Eat World – Bleed American)
I see it around me, I see it in everything.
I could be so much more than this.
I said my goodbye's this is my sundown.
I'm gonna be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
No one cares.
I need you to show me the way from crazy.
I wanna be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
No one cares.
I could be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I could be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
Good Goodbye, lovely time
Good Goodbye, tinsel shine
Good Goodbye, I'll be fine
Good Goodbye, good goodnight.
"God why am I crying" I said to myself as I furiously swiped the tears away; just then Tommy walked in with a tissue in hand. "Wanna talk about it?" he said tentatively. "Not really" I said as I blew my nose. "Jude…" Tommy said. "Have you ever thought that you constantly badgering me about talking about stuff is gonna magically make me want to talk to you about anything! I'll talk when I'm good and ready. It's your choice whether or not you're gonna stick around long enough for that!" I retorted angrily. "Jude why is it easier for you to be honest in your music than be honest with me!" Tommy said hurt. "You know what, forget I asked. Not like you'd answer anyway!" Tommy said angrily back. "And you know what; you're wrong. People do care about you. I care about you. But for some reason you won't let us in. And you're not fine. Not even close" he said before he headed out the door. I let my frustrations go in one long and angry scream.
Part 9
Tommy's words continued to eat at me, so I did what I do best. I picked up the guitar and took my frustrations out.
"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" (My Chemical Romance – Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge)
Well
if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to
let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the
dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when
you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?
I'm
not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
What
will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not
okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't
know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look,
another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for
the last time take a good hard look!
I'm
not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
Forget
about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You
said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed
I'm
okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)
But
you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the
truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)
I'm
not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not
o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)
Part 10
We sipped our coffees in silence. Safe conversation topics or should I say topic, was the weather. Even music had crossed over to 'unsafe' ever since Tommy pointed out that it was easier for me to communicate through my songs rather than face to face banter with him. The no physical contact was bad enough, but the self imposed ban on all forms of communications, except weather was unbearable. I waived my napkin in mock surrender. "I'll make an appointment to see a shrink and you drop your contact ban" I said as I stared at him from across the table. "I don't negotiate with terrorists" he said coolly. "Come on Tommy be reasonable" I said. He smiled triumphantly, okay, more like his cute but really annoying smirk. "Never figured you'd be the first to cave" he said as he ascended from his chair to do a victory lap around the table. I accidentally stuck my foot out and he came crashing to the ground. "Forget it then" I said as I drained the remnants in my coffee mug and got up. "Oh, don't worry Jude. I'm just fine where I am on the floor, thanks" he called out as I was leaving the kitchen.
Part 11
My hand picked up the receiver and I found myself halfway through dialing the shrink's office. "I need to go" I said to myself as I gazed at my scars. I hadn't cut again, but the temptation to was always in the back of my mind. Was I frustrated? Definitely and in more ways than one. Even the bubble bath I had taken hadn't done much to ease the tension I felt before I found myself sitting in the waiting room at the shrink's office. I leafed through the pile of magazines. I sat down and tapped my foot against the table. I bit my nails. I stared at the clock. Finally it was my turn. I took a seat and looked at the plaques adorning the walls never once glancing at the person sitting behind the desk. "So how can I help you?" said a silky smooth voice causing me to literally jump out of my chair. "You're Dr. Kelly Smith?" I said. "Unless I'm in the wrong office?" he said and began to frantically look around the room. A deep chuckle erupted and his eyes lit up mischievously. "You could always take it up with my mom on why she named her son with a girlie name like Kelly?" he deadpanned. I stared at him mouth open like a fish. "I wasn't…I wasn't expecting you to be, well..." I stuttered. "Incredibly good looking and extremely charming?" he said with a wink and behind laughter. "Well, now that you know that clearly, I'm male, is this going to be a problem?" he said revealing a set of dimples. In my head the voice was screaming yes, but my mouth said 'no.' "Oh my God do I have a crush on my therapist? I mean those dimples. Those lips." I said luckily in my head as I continued to stare at his amused face. "Are you alright?" he said with concern after a few minutes of my staring. My hand felt warm and when I looked down I noticed that his hand was covering mine. I snatched them back and placed them on my lap. I felt so embarrassed after everything that transpired since sitting down that I got up and left the office. The secretary looked at me funny before going back to whoever she was talking with on the phone.
Part 12
I was impatiently waiting by the elevator doors when the door to his office opened and I saw him running down the hall towards me. "Geez now I know how those cats must feel being chased my Pepe Le Peu" I thought to myself as I frantically pushed the down button and prayed to the powers that be for the elevator doors to magically open. Clearly someone was listening. I hit the button for lobby and the door close button. It was nearly closed when half an arm entered the elevator. The elevator door slowly opened and I stared everywhere else but at him. "I'm sorry" he panted. He fumbled for something in his pocket and took two deep breaths from his inhaler. "Aha" I said to myself in triumph. "The man does have flaws. Just not on the outside" I said to myself. Meanwhile he had been talking the whole time. "Elephants were sitting in my kitchen drinking coffee this morning" he said in a serious tone. "Elephants?" I said with a single brow raise. "Ahhh so you were listening" he said with his devastating smile. "Honestly, I only picked up elephants" I said sheepishly. "Let's start over. I'm Dr. Kelly Smith if you'll still have me?" he said as he gazed down at me. "Why doctor are you propositioning a patient in the elevator in clear view of the security cameras?" I said innocently as I waved to the camera. His smile vanished and changed into one of horror and embarrassment. I let a few seconds of silence pass before I started laughing hysterically. "What you can dish 'em out, but you can't take them?" I said. His mouth opened then closed. "It was a joke" I said. "I was joking" I said to the camera. "There was no propositioning taking place." I directed towards the camera. "So about starting over. Hi, I'm Jude" I said offering my hand. He grasped my hand and gave it a good shake. His hand was firm and enveloped mine. "Kelly, nice to meet you" he said and once again revealed those dimples. "Do you want to get some coffee?" he asked. "I don't know. Shouldn't doctors not be fraternizing with their patients outside the office?" I said. "Actually since you ditched your appointment before it actually started, technically you're not my patient." He said. "Hey at least I saved myself a couple hundred dollars of therapy" I said. "The way I see it the least you could do is buy me a cup of coffee seeing as how I'll be forced to live in the streets" he said dramatically. I did a once over of his designer outfit complete with accessories. "It looks like you can afford it" I said dryly. "One cup of coffee" I said. When I went to press the down button I saw that he had pressed it earlier and we were now in fact at the lobby. The crowd impatiently let us through. He quickly wiped the smirk from his face when he caught me looking his way.
Part 13
As soon as Jude sat down she lifted the lid off her cup and downed the contents in several gulps. "Okay, all done. Gotta go." I said as I got up out of my seat. Kelly quickly grabbed my arm. His reflexes were quite impressive. "You know I haven't even had a sip of mine and I plan on making it last until the last drop" he said. "You're evil" I said and stuck my tongue out at him. "What's the rush? You seem to have a lot on your mind?" he said as he took a ridiculously small sip of his coffee. I bit my bottom lip trying to gage the type of person he was. "Jude, this is what I do for a living; I listen to people. You can trust me, scout's honor" he said. "Boy scout, huh?" I said. "Eagle scout" he said. "Do you have any cracks in your armor?" I said. "I thought we were going to talk about you, Jude?" he said. "Not much to tell really?" I said in as upbeat a tone as I could. "Did anyone ever tell you you've mastered the art of avoidance?" he said with a smile on his lips. I grimaced and he could tell he'd struck a nerve. "It's not good to keep all these feelings buried inside, Jude" he said. "If you want you can tell me something about yourself and then I'll tell you a little about myself. We'll take turns until you feel comfortable enough to just continue talking or until you realize what a perfectionist freak I am in all aspects of my life. Deal?" he said with a deprecating smile as he offered me his hand. I took his hand in mine and sat back down. We had spent a good 3 hours and drank more than enough coffee and I had learned more about him than he had about me. "Jude I don't think my body can take another cup of coffee" he said. "I know me neither. Check this out" I said as I showed him my hand which was starting to shake uncontrollably. "Do you want to continue this at my office? For real this time? No pressure." he said.
Part 14
Tommy was waiting in the parking lot when Jude got out of Kelly's car. He watched them as Jude and the mystery guy approached her car. Tommy saw him scribble his number and give it to her. "If you just feel like talking this is my personal number. Call me. It doesn't matter how late it is. And I really hope to see you next week" Kelly said as he opened the driver's side door to let her in. Jude nodded and started the engine. He shut the door. When she was about to pull out he knocked on her window. "Seatbelt" Kelly said as he leaned in through the window and buckled her in. "Boyscout!" I said teasingly. He gave me a mocking salute before he started walking back towards the office.
Part 15
Tommy sat frozen wondering what he should do. "Who was that guy? And where in God's name has she been?" he said aloud. "If I confront her she'll accuse me of spying on her and we'll get into another fight and…" Tommy groaned. "I could act like nothing happened and give her the opportunity to tell me what's going on…There's nothing going on I'm just being paranoid. God, I hate talking to myself maybe I should see a shrink" Tommy said as he not so gently slammed his head into the steering wheel. He pulled out of the parking lot and headed home.
Part 16
A block away Tommy decided to make a u-turn and head back to the parking lot, parked his car, and ran into the building. Luckily the guy he had seen Jude with was still waiting for the elevator. Tommy stepped into the elevator with him. It was pretty ironic that one of Jude's songs was playing in the elevator. The elevator door opened and Tommy followed him out, but kept some distance from him. He saw him enter the office. Tommy walked into the office a few seconds later and went straight towards the office door. "Excuse me you can't go in there. Sir!" said the secretary in an annoyed/panicked tone.
Part 17
Kelly calmed down his secretary before shutting the door to his office and facing Tommy. "Where were you and Jude?" Tommy said in a calm voice belying the anger that seethed under the surface. "She seemed very uncomfortable just being in the office. She ran out of the appointment before the appointment actually happened. I tried to convince her to make another appointment and actually show up by plying her with coffee. I ended up telling her more about myself than finding out anything about her" Kelly said candidly. "Jude tends to run and is an expert at avoidance" Tommy said. "You sound like you know by experience" Kelly said and offering Tommy a seat. A few hours past and Tommy was lying comfortably on the shrink's couch telling Kelly the epic that was Tommy and Jude. "Jude and I haven't been talking. I thought it was a good idea for her to get out of her system whatever has been eating at her by talking to someone even if it wasn't with me. I don't want her to fall back onto old habits especially when those involve her getting hurt. I want to help her any way that I can" Tommy said. "It sounds like you already have been" Kelly said. "If Jude does come back…" Tommy said. Kelly didn't like where this was headed and said "I can't divulge another patient's information with another patient. I, legally, can't tell you what went on during Jude's session and I can't tell her what went on during your session" said Kelly. "Whoa. Wait just a minute. I'm not your patient" Tommy said. "Tommy what do you think we've been doing for the last couple of hours. You're even lying on the couch. I'm billing one of you today" Kelly said. Tommy raised an eyebrow and got up off the couch. He sighed and dug his wallet out of his pocket. Kelly handed him his bill and Tommy's eyes bugged out. "This is highway robbery you know!" Tommy said indignantly. "Just think of it as a small investment towards rebuilding and strengthening your relationship with each other" Kelly said. "Maybe after the two of you undergo several individual sessions with me we can talk about having the two of you come in for couple's sessions. And I'll see you next week." Kelly said to Tommy with an annoying amount of certainty as Tommy headed out the door. "And Tommy..." Kelly said. "Yeah?" Tommy said. "Is she worth it?" Kelly said. "She is." Tommy said with determination before finally making his way out of the office.
Part 18
When Tommy got home he found Jude asleep at the table with her face sitting on top of a bowl of EasyMac. The table was set for two, bread, salad, macaroni and cheese, and a bottle of wine lay on the table. Tommy tapped her shoulder gently" Jude…" She still took his breath away every time he saw her regardless of the yellow goo plastered to her face. "Hey, where have you been" I said as she wiped the cheese sauce from her face. "I know where you've been…" Tommy said.
Part 19
"In fact I had a little chat with Kelly" Tommy said. "Wait. Did you follow me?" I said with anger rising in my voice. "First, where do you get off being the angry one?" Tommy said. Jude was about to retort when Tommy cut her off, "Your appointment was only supposed to be for an hour. I was concerned when you didn't come home after the appointment, so I drove to the office, saw your car in the parking lot, but you never came out of the building. So I waited. And then a few hours later I see you getting out of some guy's car. So I took the liberty of following said guy when he walked into the building…" "God, Tommy, you didn't attack him or anything did you?" I said. "Jude why would you think that I would…" Tommy said. "You seem to have a history of violence with the other guys who don't happen to be you in my life if memory serves" I said smugly. "We had a chat. A very expensive one at that" Tommy. "Wait so now you're seeing my therapist?" I said with surprise. "Isn't that conflict of interest? Some sort of spy tactic on your part Quincy to get into my head?" I said with annoyance. "First of all there's a little thing called Doctor/Patient confidentiality. Second I wouldn't spy on you. Third I wouldn't have to climb inside your head if you just told me what you were thinking, feeling, anything; confide in me the way you used to. And I'm not the one with trust issues!" Tommy said. "You're kidding right?" I said with disgust. "Fine see him then. Hell, I don't care if you guys become bffs. But just so you know just think how much it's going to kill you when I tell him about how I'm feeling, what I'm going through, instead of with you. And as for the no sex clause. I hope you've gotten used to it because as of right now I don't see that in our foreseeable future. In fact, having a vision of the future right now and you being there not so clear!" I said angrily as I threw the dinner I had made in the garbage and exited the kitchen. Tommy sighed and started washing the dishes. When he finished he took a seat at the table and poured himself a glass of wine. He had a bitter taste in his mouth that wasn't all from the wine. "At least she's going to go her appointment; although pissing her off probably wasn't the best angle of attack. She may hate me right now, but if she does than that means she still cares about me. She was wrong on one thing though. I am going to most definitely be in her future. And I sure as hell am going to be in her present."
Part 20
Tommy and Jude found themselves sitting on opposite sides of the couch. After undergoing several weeks of individual sessions with Kelly it was time for them to begin couples' therapy. "So after taking extensive notes on our individual session together I thought it might be helpful to create a timeline of events of your relationship" said Kelly as he handed each of them a piece of paper. Tommy and Jude stared at the piece of paper they each held in their hands. "So let's get started then. Tommy how did you feel about Jude getting her own apartment and car? Her emancipation? Did you feel threatened?" Kelly inquired. "Why would I feel threatened?" Tommy answered and crossed his arms across his chest. "Okay, then. Jude, your thoughts?" Kelly said as he stared at me. "Having my own place and transportation gave me a sense of security; I realized that I could depend on myself and take care of myself for the first time in my life. I was so used to others taking care of me and telling me what to do; although, I fought like hell when I didn't agree. Getting emancipated gave me a sense of freedom I never knew I craved. It helped me learn to stand on my own two feet. I felt like all of a sudden I was an adult. I think when this happened it shifted the balance in my relationship with Tommy. I depended on Tommy the way a child depended on a parent. And then everything happened and it put us more on equal footing. I wasn't just some kid anymore. I was an adult. It took some time for people to get used to that" I said. "Jude, I never thought of you as just some kid" Tommy said quietly. "Care to elaborate Tommy" asked Kelly. "Not really" Tommy said.
"Next question then how has secrets, lies, and infidelity affected your relationship?" Kelly said. Tommy and I both looked up and surprise. "It's my job to ask the tough questions, remember? Help me, help you" Kelly said. "You complete me…" I said before breaking out in laughter. Tommy looked confused. "Come on Tommy, Tom Cruise says that to Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire? Ringing any bells?" I said. "Jude can we get back down to business and talk about that movie later" Kelly said with an amused expression on his face. "Since Tommy doesn't feel like sharing why don't I rephrase the question to you: how has infidelity affected your relationship with others? Do you think it's caused you to have an abandonment complex that makes it hard for you to trust" Kelly said. "If you're saying I'm guarded don't you think I have reason to be? And as for trust, I give it until that trust is broken" I said defensively. "What about Eli?" Tommy said. "So he does have a voice" Kelly said. "Tommy, what do you want me to say that I haven't already? Yes, okay, I was in love with him, but I was a different person back then, literally, you remember I had amnesia" I said irritated. "So you admit it then. You were in love with him" Tommy said in a betrayed tone. "Loving him was easy. I never questioned it. With you I'm always questioning whether I should be with you or questioning whether you think you should be with me. It shouldn't be this hard. We're constantly fighting. Maybe we're too much alike?" I said. "Maybe that's why we really get each other because we know each other so well. And as for the fights Jude it's like you're the gasoline and I'm the match. We burn. We're both such passionate people and completely bullheaded. But that's what I love about you. You challenge me to be better in everything: to be a better person, to make better music, to make better choices, the right choices. I'm sorry about mentioning Eli. I guess it drove me crazy that he took care of you when I couldn't. And if you were in love with him then you were in love with him. It's just something I'll have to learn to accept" Tommy said.
"Good we're making progress. Okay, Jude why are you always running?" Kelly said. "Tommy tends to cloud my vision. Sometimes I need to get away to gain some perspective; although he has this annoying habit of always managing to find me" I say. "Hey, what can I say I've got pretty good JPS or Jude-dar. I'll always find you Jude, minus the whole creepy stalker way that sounded" Tommy says with a laugh.
"On a more serious note I want to talk about the cutting and the stint at the mental ward" Kelly said frowning. "Let me ask you a question Doctor. Have you ever lost a child?" Jude says. "No" Kelly says. "A parent should never have to bury a child. I wanted to show him the world. I wanted him to know that he was loved and would always be safe. But I couldn't do that. I know it wasn't my fault considering the circumstances, but after his death I was numb. I couldn't feel anything anymore and so I started cutting because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. Tommy threw himself into his work, but I understand that people deal with grief differently. I just wish we could have dealt with it together" I said as a tear threatened to spill. "If you really wanted to deal with his death together than you should have let me pack his room with you. You didn't let me get to say goodbye to him, Jude" Tommy said his voice full of grief. "I'm sorry I took that from you, Tommy, I know you loved him. The happiest I've been is when it was just the three of us" I said. "Me too" Tommy said as he moved from the other side of the couch to sit next to me and took hold of my hand. Kelly cleared his throat and the two of us looked up at him.
"Well, my job is done. You guys seem to have a handle on things. I want you guys to keep talking with each other. Communication and trust are two out of the three most important things in a relationship" Kelly said. "What's the..." Tommy said. "third thing" I interrupted. Kelly laughed. "It's love and you guys seem to have an abundance of that" Kelly said. "I hope to never see you guys again." Kelly said. Tommy and I looked at him questioningly. "Because I know you guys will be fine" Kelly said with assurance. Tommy and I just smiled and walked out of his office hand in hand.