Regrets
Summary: Sometimes, because of the choices we make and the chances we missed, we lose the ones we want the most. One-sided Kira x Hinamori, Hitsugaya x Hinamori, hinted Kira x Matsumoto. Kira-centric
Disclaimer: The only Bleach that I know keeps my whites their whitest. Plus, I am a poor college student. I have no money.
Author's Notes: I know that writing Osaka lines are difficult to write (and it irks me as an English major to write incorrectly), so please don't crucify me if I have it wrong. Some of this is replaying some of the scenes that you all know and love, but from Kira's vantage point and some of it is my imagination. This fic is inspired by Jedi Boadicea's Frozen Sky and Kupo Stiltzkin's Twelve Tones.
She looks like an angel.
That was when Kira Izuru knew that he fell in love with Hinamori Momo. It was a gradual thing. Sure she was attractive. Hinamori had a girlish, innocent face with the curvature of a grown woman. Who wouldn't be? The blond spent most of his free time looking at her and the way she looked when she did certain activities. She had many looks. First, there was the good morning smile. There was a look of innocence whenever she was practicing kidou. Then, there was the look of determination whenever she was practicing her kata on her newly formed zanpakutou. But it was the final look that captured his heart.
It was after night classes and all of the students were heading back to their rooms. Kira was walking back to his room when he saw Hinamori staring into the outskirts of Rukongai. She sighed, catching his attention. There was something in the way her shoulders were relaxed and there was such contentment on her face. And that's when he realized that he was lost irrevocably.
He went out of his way to befriend Hinamori and, as he learned very quickly, she had a bubbly and intoxicating personality. The wide spectrum of expressions on her face made him laugh and smile. Her laughter was contagious. Abarai would tell him that he got especially fidgety when he was around Hinamori.
It was a vicious cycle but the blond didn't mind. At day, he would admire from afar. And at night, Kira would dream of the day that he could finally tell the girl of his dreams his true feelings.
But one day, there would be competition for Hinamori's affection. It was innocent enough. On a particular day when he, Hinamori and Abarai Renji were heading to their final exams, Hinamori ran into a kid with white hair. Both of them fell to the floor.
"Ouch!" Hinamori whispered. The kid with white hair let out a soft growl instead.
Kira was the first to help her up. Renji decided to tell off the kid. "Hey, apologize to Hinamori right now."
The kid looked at Hinamori with his ice-green eyes. "Baka bed-wetter Momo, you still haven't outgrown your clumsiness." He taunted.
This irked Kira. How dare this brat taunt and even pretend to be familiar with Hinamori. He hasn't even gotten the privilege to call her by her first name and yet, this brat was calling her a bed wetter?
"Shirou-chan?" she asked in confusion. "What are you doing here?"
This is where Kira blanched. He heard the name affectionate name 'Shirou-chan' before. Sometimes whenever she allowed herself to reminiscence about the past, she always mentioned her best friend. It never occurred to him that 'Shirou-chan' was a boy.
Kira would learn later that 'Shirou-chan', known as Hitsugaya Toushirou, would be a difficult rival to defeat. Not only did he have a head start, but also the two of them had special memories. The blond realized that day that he would have to redouble his efforts to capture her heart.
Fortunately for him, he and Hinamori were going to graduate from the Shinigami Academy in a month or two and were conscripted to be in the 5th division. The brat had six years ahead of him. That would be enough solidify his position in Hinamori's heart.
After graduation, the two of them were chosen to join Captain Aizen Sousuke's 5th division. It was one of the happiest days of his life. Aizen and his Lieutenant Ichimaru Gin were especially kind to the two of them and almost encouraged to be together.
Once again, even with the encouragement of the Captain and the Lieutenant, Hitsugaya Toushirou stood in his way. He breezed through the six-year Academy training in less than a year. Kira caught a break when the brat was conscripted to be in Komamura's 7th division. So, before the white-haired rival could gain any footing in Hinamori's heart, Kira had to make his move now.
This was the start of how he would make Hinamori his. First, he would be helpful to her, assisting her in her paperwork and cleaning duties. When all was done, he would invite her to dinner at a restaurant. Some days she would refuse, saying that she was meeting a friend for dinner. But there were other times that he was not refused and those were the days that he treasured. He learned so much from her during those dinners: her pet peeves, her worst fears, and her dream.
This is the one that he found most interesting. She joined Aizen's fifth division solely to be of use to the Captain. It was her dream to finally climb the ranks and be his Lieutenant. Kira had to smile. It was an aspiring dream.
"So, Kira." She caught him off-guard. "What is your dream?" What was he going to tell her? My dream is to have you love me? So he decided to be vague.
"Well, my dream is to be the best that I can be so that the girl that I love will finally notice me." He hoped that the answer would satiate her.
"Well, I am sure that she will come around. You have so many good qualities. I am certain that this girl will notice you." Hinamori's eyes sparkled, almost in a trancelike state. Kira, having never seen this look, treasured it like all of her others.
To test the waters, Kira ventured a question of his own. "Hinamori, is there a guy that you have your eye on?" he asked. To his surprise, there was a faint blush on her face.
"I am not sure that he will return my love." She whispered in such a soft voice, Kira had to strain to hear her. "But that's okay! I am not sure that I want to cross the friend boundary with him just in case he won't return my love. I just don't want anything to be awkward between us."
Kira reached across the table and placed a gentle hand on hers. "Hinamori, you are a beautiful woman. You have the ability to put a smile on anyone's face. I am sure that no man could resist you."
At the gentle show and the soft words, Hinamori blushed harder. "Thanks, Kira." She looked at him with grateful eyes and he melted.
And so the 'dates' continued until one day when Ichimaru Gin took the position of Captain of the 3rd division. Since Kira and Hinamori both took the Lieutenant's exam, both of them were immediately chosen to take the mantle of Lieutenant: Kira in the 3rd division and Hinamori in the 5th division.
It was a bittersweet moment in Kira's life. Although he was sad to leave Hinamori's company and know that he would have less time to woo her, he was happy that she had realized her dream of becoming Aizen's lieutenant.
Being a lieutenant meant more time doing paperwork and having less time to yourself. Kira learned that quickly. The only times he ever saw Hinamori were either the lieutenant meetings or the odd paperwork routes that Captain Ichimaru sent to the 5th division. Whenever the blond asked her to join her for dinner, she said she couldn't do to either having already made dinner plans or doing overtime for Aizen.
But such a thing wasn't meant to last.
A year before the great betrayal, the brat, Hitsugaya Toushirou became Captain of the 10th division and that caused concern for the blond Lieutenant of the 3rd division. This meant that he no longer had the advantage in position or in strength against Captain Hitsugaya. All that he had was hope that his position in Hinamori's heart was solidified.
A year later, a recruit from the 13th division had gone missing in the living world. Her name was Kuchiki Rukia. She was pronounced missing in action and the 6th division Captain and Lieutenant, Kuchiki Byakuya and Abarai Renji, were sent to retrieve her. It seemed simple enough but there was just something off with his Captain. Although another person wouldn't have thought twice about it, there was something wrong with Captain Ichimaru's smile. Of course, there was nothing right about his smile, but something about the smile chilled him even more than usual.
After retrieving Rukia, everything seemed to be alright. That was until the Ryoka invaded Soul Society.
Abarai stood no chance against the 'leader' of the group, a substitute Shinigami named Kurosaki Ichigo. When Kira came to the battlefield, Abarai was fighting for his life. Without thought, he picked up the redhead's body and took his friend and fellow Lieutenant to the Lieutenant's meeting room. There, in front of his love Hinamori, he broke down.
"I should have been there." He deadpanned. "Maybe if I had been there, I could have stopped that Ryoka."
"It isn't your fault, Kira-kun." She told him, the tears evident in her eyes.
With the comfort of the one who mattered most to him acquired, he could concentrate on more important matters, like taking down the Ryoka that did that to his friend. But something more pressing would come up that would shake both he and Hinamori.
The next morning was a special Lieutenants' meeting to discuss the threat of the Ryoka. Hinamori was late. So Kira, the highest ranking captain there at the moment, was about to lead the meeting when he heard a high-pitched scream. "It was Hinamori's voice, for sure."
He ran with a speed that would not be possible except for those proficient in the art of Shunpo. When Kira saw her, she was as rigid as a pole and it frightened the blond.
"Hinamori, what's wrong!" he asked. Her eyes were glassed over, as if she were dead. It unnerved the blond, so he stared in the direction that his love was looking towards. He saw Aizen Sousuke, Captain of the 5th division, slain and brutally beaten, hanging from the East Tower. It was a painful blow to his heart. Although, Kira respected the Captain, Hinamori practically worshipped him. And the thought of Hinamori grieving over her Captain made him want to comfort her so badly.
It was then that his Captain, Ichimaru made his appearance with his trademark grin. "What's all da' ruckus in the mornin'?" he asked in his Osaka accent. "Uh oh, this seems to be a bad thing here."
There was a halting in her movement as if she were recollecting something and tears were forming in her eyes born of rage. "Was it you?" She cried at his Captain as she ran at the grinning Captain, her zanpakutou drawn.
In a flash, Kira was there with his sword drawn, defending his Captain. His heart was split between loyalty to his Captain and love for Hinamori. In that instance, loyalty won out. He looked at her with his battle eyes.
"I don't care the reason. No one gets away with pointing a sword at the Captain. I won't allow it." Kira saw the expression her change, almost like her heart was breaking.
Captain Ichimaru was walking away. Hinamori tried to parry the blow to get around Kira, but he wouldn't allow that. Shaking his head, he waited for his Captain to leave so that all of this could be put behind them. But he saw an expression that was only reserved for when she battled Hollows and they took hostages. And it unnerved him.
"Please, I am begging you, Kira-kun, move out the way." Her voice was shaky and it almost made him give up his ground.
"I'm sorry but I can't do that." He responded in a soft whisper.
"Move!" she shouted. "Move!"
"Stop!" he shouted at her. It made him cringe inside.
"Do you note hear me telling you to move?" She cried. "And do you not hear me telling you to stop?" he retorted.
The tears in her eyes for her deceased Captain did not stop Hinamori from releasing her zanpakutou. "Snap, Tobiume." The power of the reiatsu that flowed from it was enough to send Kira flying back from the smoke area.
It was then that he knew that she had to be treated as an enemy. A cruel fate sent him against the one that he loved. "Show your face, Wabisuke." With his zanpakutou released, he came flying at her, ready to strike.
But neither of them connected. It seemed that the brat, Captain Hitsugaya, stopped them from hurting each other. After being hauled off to the 3rd division jail, he realized that he should thank Captain Hitsugaya for stopping the two of them.
Inside the jail, the events of the day came flooding back to him. He pointed a sword at Hinamori, the woman that professed that he loved, especially in her time of despair. What kind of man would do that? Despicable. He shivered at the thought. It couldn't be. He didn't deserve her. Perhaps Captain Hitsugaya was better than he at keeping Hinamori safe.
It was then in his thoughts that his Captain came sauntering in the cell. "Woww! Ain't you a sight! I can't stand t' look." He was powerless against the words of his Captain and could only say his name.
"Want me to save ya, Izuru?" Something in Kira's soul was telling him not to make a covenant with the smiling Devil. "If you help me with a problem, den I will help ya capture da heart of Hinamori-chan." And like that, he was gone.
Kira agreed and began on a path of darkness.
He and Captain Ichimaru were on their way to the 3rd division headquarters until they were stopped by the 10th division Captain.
"I knew that I would find you two together." He announced. Kira was shocked. Hitsugaya continued as if he weren't interrupted. "It's just as I thought. Only Kira's cell was unlocked from the outside. If it were secrecy you wanted, wouldn't you be more careful, Ichimaru?"
"Well, well" Kira's Captain clucked his tongue. "Dat's a strange way of looking at it. I did it dat way so that ya would know."
Hitsugaya placed his hand on his Zanpakutou. "I am glad to get here before Hinamori. Before she gets here, I will kill you."
Even before he finished, Hinamori's reiatsu could be felt as she dropped in between Hitsugaya and Ichimaru. Kira couldn't bear to look at her, the woman that he told himself that he loved. Taking a glance at Hitsugaya would have told Kira that his ice-green eyes softened at the arrival of Hinamori.
"Finally, I found you." There was something ominous about the whispered words that Hinamori spoke. "So this is where you have been."
Kira placed his hand on his Zanpakutou. If she was going to try to attack his captain, once again, he would have to go through him.
"Stop, Hinamori. You're no match for him." It may have been rough but there was a plea in the tone that Hitsugaya used. "Stand back and leave him to me."
Kira was shocked then when Tobiume was turned against the 10th division Captain. "Hinamori!" It seemed like the blond wasn't the only one shocked.
Every word that she enunciated stabbed Kira's heart. Never had Hinamori been like this and it worried him. "Captain Aizen's murderer." He saw Hitsugaya's eyes widen in shock.
She went into near sobs telling the story of the letter that she found explaining Hitsugaya's plan to overthrow Soul Society. Of all the times that Kira saw Hitsugaya, never had he looked so distraught. The blond figured being accused of high treason by his best friend would have done it.
"Hinamori!" Kira could only speculate that when Hitsugaya whispered those words, it would have been a dagger in his heart.
A scream pierced the night and Hinamori attacked her friend. Hitsugaya, probably due to his Captain-level reflexes, avoided the blow. Kira was in shock. If the letter had implicated him, would she attack him with this ferocity? Was Hinamori so devoted to the man that if Aizen had asked it, would she kill her friends?
"Baka." Hitsugaya pleaded once again. "Just think for a second. If he dies, he wants you to fight in his place? Do you really think that Aizen would say that?" That person was going to die. "The Aizen I knew" Hitsugaya continued "was neither an idiot to go alone to a fight he couldn't win, nor would he ask his subordinates to clean up his mess." Kira had to give the 10th Captain a point for logic. It didn't make sense. Sending a Lieutenant against a Captain is like sending a thirsty man through the desert. There was no hope of victory.
"But that's what the letter said." Hinamori's words broke Kira's heart. "It was in Captain Aizen's handwriting. I didn't want to believe it either. But that's what Captain Aizen said." Kira watched as she attacked the kid that she once called Shirou-chan. "I … don't … know what … to do … anymore… Shirou-chan." Even without looking at Hinamori, the blond could tell that she was crying.
There was something in the way that everything was said that hinted at the relationship of Hitsugaya and Hinamori. The constant pleading from Hitsugaya, the heart-wrenching words from Hinamori, all of them gave way to a deeper relationship.
Hitsugaya looked at Kira's Captain with a dangerous glare. "So this was your doing also, Ichimaru." That made Kira mad, but what could he do? Though he may hate the kid for taking Hinamori's heart and charging to attack his Captain, Hitsugaya was far and away a superior fighter to Kira. He had never felt so helpless.
Hinamori had gotten in the way of Hitsugaya again. This time, with a forceful blow, he had knocked the dark-haired girl unconscious. Kira couldn't help but be relieved. This was not Hinamori, at least not the Hinamori that he knew and loved.
"Wow! That was awfully mean of you, Mr. 10th Captain." Even without looking, Kira could tell that Captain Ichimaru was smiling. "Y'aint got to hit so hard on a girl hurting so bad dat she done forgot himself."
Hitsugaya whispered something that Kira couldn't hear, most likely his Captain's name. "What is your goal? Aizen wasn't enough for you? You have to make Hinamori suffer also?"
"Well now, whatever are you talkin' 'bout?" Ichimaru asked. Kira stopped in his tracks. Is Hitsugaya telling the truth? Was Ichimaru foul? Who was Aizen's killer? None of this made sense.
Now, Kira could feel Hitsugaya's overflowing reiatsu. His captain released his soon after. The two of them were going to fight and there was nothing that he could do to stop them. It was an incredible amount and it only spoke of the hidden power of the two captains.
Hitsugaya and Ichimaru crossed swords, trading attack for attack until Hitsugaya released Hyoruinmaru, a powerful ice/water dragon. The short Captain had Ichimaru on the run and Kira couldn't do anything, being frozen solid. Before Hitsugaya could land the final blow, Ichimaru released Shinsou and aimed for Hinamori.
Kira was crushed, who would he root for, the brat that was his rival in Hinamori's affections, or the Captain that would kill his love?
Fortunately for Hitsugaya and Kira's sakes, the 10th division Lieutenant, the busty Matsumoto Rangiku, stopped the blade from attacking Hinamori's unconscious body. Withdrawing his blade from attacking Matsumoto, Ichimaru took Kira and disappeared into the night.
The last thing that the smiling captain said before retiring for the night was "He isn't going to like this."
The next morning Ichimaru led Kira to a place that was forbidden except under extreme circumstances.
"Captain, I have to know. What is going on here?" Kira looked at his Captain and Ichimaru's grin widened, if such a thing were possible.
"You'll know e'erything once we meet him." Captain and lieutenant both entered the room of the Council of Forty-Six and what Kira saw, shocked him. All of the men and women were dead, no, that isn't right. They were slaughtered. "Captain Ichimaru, who did this?"
There was a figure of a man sitting in one of the seats and the blond recognized him. "Captain Aizen." There was no way that he could be alive. He was found dead and pronounced so by the most respected of healers. "Hello, Kira-kun. Don't believe everything that you hear." Aizen told him. The 5th Captain turned to Ichimaru.
"Is everything going as planned, Gin?" he asked. "It seems dat we hit a lil' bump in the road." The smiling Captain told the supposedly dead Aizen. "Mr. 10th Captain is on my trail and the execution failed."
"I see. Then I suggest that we go to plan B." All of this confused Kira. "What is going on?" the blond Lieutenant asked.
Ichimaru took Kira away from Aizen's sight and explained something to him. "Izuru, have I left ya in the dark fer so long?" he asked. Somehow, Kira had no courage to answer him. "Now ya want Hinamori-chan, right? This is ya chance. All ya haf to do is distract Miss 10th Lieutenant and Mr. 10th Captain long enuff. Once ya do that, have Mr. 10th Captain come here. Me and Aizen will take care of the details. After dat, ya will have Hinamori-chan all to yaself."
Once again, he was using Hinamori to break down his defenses. And once again, he fell. "Hai."
The time came when Kira sense Captain Hitsugaya's reiatsu. And so he prepared himself. When the 10th division Captain and Lieutenant saw Kira, they made chase.
Kira had to get them out of the Council chambers. What goal Captain Aizen and Captain Ichimaru were planning he didn't want to know. All he wanted was Hinamori's affections at the end. If it meant selling his soul, so be it.
The first part was easy. Kira led them outside and Hitsugaya and Matsumoto made chase.
Hitsugaya was trying to make sense of Kira's actions but now, Kira knew which buttons to press. "Rather than chasing me, you should protect Hinamori-kun." The thought of that made him shiver, but he remembered Ichimaru's promise and continued.
"What the hell are you talking about?" the short captain asked.
Kira told him that Hinamori wasn't protected and followed her friend trying to get answers. Looking back into the ice-green eyes of the 10th Captain told Kira that he was going back and now, all that was left was the busty lieutenant to take care of.
"Show your face, Wabisuke." Kira's Zanpakutou released and he attacked Matsumoto. He made sure that every attack was shallow so that the busty lieutenant had time to block. And finally, the sweet reaction from Matsumoto made him smile. She realized that his Zanpakutou's ability doubled the weight of anything that it cut. Her sword was too heavy to carry.
Unfortunately for Kira, that didn't stop her for she released her Zanpakutou. Kira knew darkness after that.
When he awoke, another lieutenant, Kotetsu Isane was announcing to all of Soul Society of Aizen's betrayal and his accomplices, Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname. Kira learned that his actions caused Hinamori and Hitsugaya to be gravely hurt. He was utterly disgusted with himself.
A week after Aizen left Soul Society, Kira worked up the nerve to apologize to Matsumoto.
"Matsumoto-san, I …"
Before he could even begin to apologize, the busty Lieutenant broke out the sake and the two of them began to drink.
"Matsumoto-san, back then"
"Forget about it." She told him. "You were serious, but I wasn't." She laughed at the expression on his face. "So don't worry about it. You came to see me like this anyways. And because of you, I am able to understand why."
Kira allowed a small smile to grace his face.
The next night, once again, Kira had to work up some courage. This time, he was going to the 4th division and was going to apologize to Hinamori. He would withdraw his suit to her heart. He didn't deserve her after that.
As he was heading to her room, Kira could hear faint sobs coming from the room. He peeked through the window and saw Hitsugaya with his head on her chest. No one would believe him if he told anyone that Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou of the 10th division was crying.
"Momo, don't leave me here." Kira could hear Hitsugaya's voice breaking up due to the sobs ripping from his throat. The blond couldn't move from his spot.
"When you left to go to the Shinigami Academy, you told me that you liked me. And I was dismissive. I called you bed wetter Momo and said not to come back. But really, I was mad. You were going somewhere that I couldn't follow. So I trained. I trained my reiatsu so that I could follow you. For all of my genius, it took me five long years to get here. And when I saw you, someone else was pining for your affections. So after I bumped into you, I looked for your room and asked you whether or not you liked Kira. You told me that you liked him only as a friend. And I was elated. But, I wasn't ready to tell you how I felt because I thought that after five years, your feelings had changed."
Kira lowered his head. "So she didn't like me in that way, after all." He thought.
"When Kira invited you to dinner the first time, I was angry. I thought you were lying to me, trying to protect my feelings. So the next night, I asked you to dinner and then I confessed everything. And you returned my feelings. I was so happy."
The blond snorted lightly. "So he was the friend that would take her out to dinner as well."
"But it all fell apart when Aizen faked his death. You were so sad and there was nothing I could do to alleviate that. When you told me that I was Aizen's murderer and pointed your sword at me, my world came crashing down. I thought that you would trust me more than that. I would never hurt you like that. It hurt me to knock you out but it was for your own good."
A fresh sob came from the young captain. "Then, the last thing that I remember was you on the floor, bleeding to death. Your eyes were so lifeless and I wanted to avenge you by killing the person who did that to you." He sobbed again. "But I couldn't! He defeated me so easily. I was so ashamed of myself that, for a whole week, I couldn't say anything to you."
Kira felt his heart pricked because he knew that his actions caused all of this pain.
"Please wake up, Momo. I'll let you call me Shirou-chan. I won't get mad when you tease me. Just please don't leave me here, Momo. Don't go where I can't follow."
Kira couldn't take anymore. He ran out of the 4th division. The blond didn't know where his feet where taking him. Ironically, it led him to the 10th division headquarters. Matsumoto-san should be there and sure enough, she was.
Once again, he was greeted by crying. "Gin, why did you leave me?" she whispered. "What is it that you want that I can't give you?" She looked up and saw the blond. "Please don't look at me, Kira."
"Matsumoto-san, please tell me what is going on?" Kira was taken aback when the busty lieutenant hugged him and cried into his shoulder.
"Do you know how it feels to love someone that won't love you back?" she asked.
"I know that all too well, Matsumoto-san." Kira made Matsumoto look at him by taking two fingers to her chin. "Unrequited love is the worst kind of love there is. To know that your feelings will never be returned hurts so much. I really don't know what to say to you."
Matsumoto cried into his shoulder once again and mumbled something. "What did you say, Matsumoto-san?"
"I said, stay with me, Kira." Matsumoto was unabashed by the request. "Just hold me tonight."
Kira blushed, which was strange because only Hinamori could get him to do that. "Matsumoto…-san"
He was led to her bedroom. In all honesty, Kira could only think of all of the other guys that would be jealous of the position he was in. Matsumoto Rangiku was a very beautiful woman indeed, with her ample assets showing off in the Shinigami's outfit two sizes too small. But at that moment, Kira only felt a need in her. She wanted comfort from someone who had undergone the same type of betrayal and unrequited love that he had gone through.
The two of them slipped into her bed and Kira hugged her close to him. She seemed to fit into him completely and he was shocked. His arms fit snugly under her breasts. Before he could stop himself, Kira placed a kiss on the back of her neck. "Goodnight, Matsumoto-san. Let's start anew tomorrow."
"Yeah, start anew tomorrow." She echoed. She was asleep within minutes. Kira could only think of the kiss that he bestowed unto her. She didn't cringe or slap him. Maybe he should follow his own advice and give up his suit to Hinamori. Hitsugaya already had her heart and he wished her a speedy recovery and a happy relationship. Maybe he could find someone to love also. The woman that he was currently holding in his arms seemed like a good candidate.
Yes, she looks like an angel, that Matsumoto Rangiku.
Okay! Now I tried to make Kira sympathetic but also support the Hitsugaya/Hinamori couple. I hope that I did a good job. Please review and tell me.