Chapter 5: A Time to Heal

The next morning, dressed in what passed as uniform on Atlantis, I actually managed to find my office. Some kind soul had been there ahead of me, too. There was a current status report pulled up on my computer, a stack of mission reports on my desk, and even a fresh, very fragrant, cup of coffee waiting. All in all, I hoped it was a sign that life had finally begun to look up for me.

Yeah, right. So much for wishful thinking.

By early evening, everyone was once again steering clear, even Teyla, Ronon, and, thankfully, McKay. The lights in my area were going on and off without warning, the computer pulled up programs unprompted, and my door had a mind of its own. At least, I hoped Ronon knew the door was malfunctioning when it closed on his leg...

Not even yelling at the city had done any good this time. Oh well. The problem wasn't really Atlantis, anyway. She seemed to just be mirroring back my own confusion, frustration and anger. I was in over my head, and I knew it. The reports told me a lot, but I really needed Cliff Notes for the things. For instance, the current report by SGA-2. It explained that the planet P786-Q3 should be pulled from our dialing computer due to a thick inhabitation of Iratus bugs. What the heck were those? And why did the temperature in my office drop the moment I read the report?

"John?" A soft query made me jerk my head up in startlement. Dr. Weir was standing just inside my door, two steaming cups of coffee in her hands. "Teyla said you've been holed up in here for almost ten hours straight. Care to poke your nose up and take a break with me? I know an excellent spot to watch the sun set."

I couldn't help but smile at that. This woman truly amazed me. Here she was, a civilian, previously known for lobbying against the military, willingly commanding military and civilians alike under seige conditions far, far from home. The more I had read of the situations she led us through in the last two years, the more my respect grew.

"Yeah, I'd like that. Thank you, Dr. We-" At the amused flash in her brown eyes, I hastily amended that. "Elizabeth. I have to warn you, though, my mood hasn't been good."

"So I've heard. Some have started comparing you to Rodney. I'm willing to run the risk, though. Come on."

That was all the prompting that I needed, following her out and through the maze of corridors. Some, at least, were finally becoming familiar, and I realized just where she was headed. Why was she taking me to the Control Room? As we went through the still busy area, everyone acted as if they didn't even see us, even when I heard a tech tell his companion to check with Dr. Weir about something.

Curiouser and curiouser. Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.

Making our way to one side of the room, a door opened to reveal a balcony with a breath-taking view. Just before us, the alien sun was dipping into the sea, painting the sky brilliant pinks and oranges. Below, the waves crashed into the piers of the city, sounding faint to our ears on our high perch. Incredible.

"One of our people used to call this the 'Burden Balcony', after he noticed that you and I had a tendency to seek refuge out here. We made an agreement long ago that this was the one place in the city that we never had to be Doctor Weir and Colonel Sheppard, expedition leader and military commander. We would share what we felt we needed to with each other, without fear that it would ever go beyond this balcony. So...this is Elizabeth asking. How are you really doing? I'd be scared out of my mind..."

She was watching me, lips set in a thin line, eyes full of compassion and worry. It stopped the flippant reply I was going to give to deflect her cold. This woman knew. She had faced the doubts, the tough calls, the triumph of the win, and the dread, the guilt of things gone horribly wrong. Elizabeth, better than anyone else here, would understand what I was facing. She deserved an honest answer.

"Physically, I'm okay. I slept like a rock last night, and my appetite is definitely back. The headaches come and go..." Meeting her gaze, I gave an embarrassed half-smile, well aware that I was often my own body's own worst enemy. Beckett had been rather pointed several times with me yesterday about the causes of my recent collapse. "The rest...I honestly don't know, Elizabeth. I saw flashes of people, places, as I read the reports, but the memories are just out of reach. I can feel them, hovering, like...like when you can't quite remember a name or a date." My trademark lopsided grin came back, not wanting to leave this on a serious note any longer. Humor had long been one of my best coping skills. "McKay and Ronon have both offered to try hitting me over the head with something, see if it helps. Personally, I think they were a little too eager."

Elizabeth laughed, eyes lighting up. It was one of the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard.

"Well, you did throw Rodney off a balcony once, so I suppose turnabout is fair play."

"I did! Darn. That's one memory I'd really like to get back!"

An eyebrow went up at that. "You shot him in the leg, too. Testing an Ancient shield device."

"Ooooo...This just keeps getting better and better!"

"John..." Gentle, chiding. "How are you coming with the reports?"

She wasn't going to let me deflect her. Crap. I dropped my head, one hand gripping the railing, hard.

"There's too much I don't know. I'm starting to think all I'll do is make things worse."

Now, why is that sentence echoing in my head? Something...

A flash of pain through my head left me gasping, followed by...a memory? If it was, I was looking at myself from above. The other me, below, had just said almost the exact same words to Dr. Weir, who was standing in front of me, wearing a nice pant-suit. A young marine lieutenant I didn't recognize was standing with us. A large crowd mingled nearby, some obviously not expedition members. Then it was gone.

I found myself holding the railing in a death grip, thankfully facing away from Elizabeth. My coffee cup was gone. Elizabeth was still talking softly, obviously not aware of my brief lapse, thank goodness.

What the hell was that!

Abruptly, I tuned back into what she was saying. "...so I'll tell you exactly what you've said to me. We've found ourselves in the middle of a war, and we're going to lose people. All we can do is make the best decisions possible, then go on."

"And if its my ignorance that gets someone killed?"

A wince and a quick darting away of her eyes were the only reactions I received for several long moments. I had just admitted the core problem in all this, and we both knew it.

"John...you don't have to do it all at once, especially if you're not comfortable with it. You're not alone here. Major Lorne is an excellent second, you've said so yourself. How about this...you keep going over reports and work with Lorne on some of the basic duties. I'm here if you have any questions about anything or you need a sounding board. When you're sure you're ready, you take on more, not before. That's an order."

"Wow. You're one hell of a negotiator, ya know that? Didn't think you were allowed to be so blunt." Lame, but I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Got a smile, though, and...Whoops! That gleam in her eye definitely means trouble! I can recognize that one even with amnesia!

"You try dealing with thick-headed politicians and military leaders all day! Sometimes you had to use a sledge hammer to get through. The key is knowing when to use it."

"Does that apply to thick-headed colonels, too?" I called out as she turned to leave.

"Of course. Especially those named Sheppard or O'Neill."

Abruptly, she sobered and came back over to me.

"You're an incredible man, John, whether you remember it or not. None of us would be alive today if you hadn't been here. Just give yourself time, and know that everyone here supports you, no matter what happens."

Okay, this woman reads me way too easily.

"I'm good, Elizabeth. Really. Thanks."